Barry had an amazing day with Vlassorina. Vlad showed him loads of clips from his films, and Morrissina showed him videos of all her hits. They took a photograph of him with the two of them putting their arms round him and posted it on something they called Birdynoise, and, because @Vlassorina had 17 million ‘feeders’, they got 20,000 people re-seeding it to all their friends!
Morrissina wrote a song – well, she called a man up who, twenty minutes later, sent her back a song – called ‘Barry, I Will Carry You’, a really big, slow, emotional number like people do on The X Factor in the sing-off. “Barry/I will carry you/Whenever you fall/I’ll be there standing tall…” it went, when she sang it for him.
It was a tiny bit awkward for Barry as she sort of sang it at him, with a backing track that the unnamed man who wrote it had sent via computer, and so Barry had to keep smiling for about five minutes. And then he realised that he probably shouldn’t be smiling, that maybe he should look as if he was about to cry, like the judges always did on The X Factor when people sang these songs.
But, by the time he thought this, it was too late; she was hugging him, and Vlad, who (it turned out) had been filming it, was saying, “That’ll be great. I’ll get Jonty to put it up on MeMeMeTube.”
Then, later, Vlad called – or possibly got Jonty to call, Barry wasn’t sure – Jamie Gherkiner, who was the most famous chef in this world, and he came round and prepared the most incredible tea. Jamie said: “OK, Barry, mate! Whatcha fancy, me old darlin’?” And after Vlad had explained what that meant, it became clear that Barry could say literally the first thing that came into his head and Jamie would be able to make it, in Vlassorina’s enormous stainless-steel kitchen.
“Er… sausage-flavoured jelly?”
“No worries!”
“Doughnuts filled with cookie-dough ice cream…?”
“Coming right up!”
“A whole roast chicken made entirely out of skin!”
“If you say so…”
“Salty bananas!”
“That’s the side dish sorted.”
“Sherbet pie!”
“My signature dish!”
Thirty minutes later, all this food was miraculously sitting on the huge white dining table, looking amazing. Barry couldn’t believe it. There was a weird moment when he wasn’t allowed to eat it straight away, but had to stand smiling by the table with Jamie and Vlad and Morrissina while Jonty took photos of them all – for Goodbye! magazine, he heard Morrissina say – although not as weird, to be honest, as the actual taste of salty bananas. Jamie looked a bit upset when Barry spat them out, but then he smiled again when Barry tucked into the sherbet pie. Everyone laughed and clapped at the huge cloud of white that exploded out of it when he dug his fork in.
“It matches the furnishings!” said Morrissina, and everybody laughed again, even Barry, who had no idea what she meant.
Then, after tea, which, apart from the salty bananas, was absolutely delicious, Vlad said: “Right! Time to get ready!”
“Ready for what?” said Barry.
“Your party, of course!”
“Oh!” said Barry. “Right!”
“So we got a message from The Parent Agency that it’s a…” He got out his phone, which, like the steering wheel of his car, was covered in diamonds and, Vlad had told him earlier, was a special gift from the people at Peach. “…hold on… James Pond party?”
“Bond.”
Vlad looked up. “Definitely says Pond here. And the diamond aCommunicator – only one in the world – never lies.”
“Um…”
“So who is this James Pond guy?”
“Well. He’s like a secret agent who drives fast cars and fights evil and stuff.”
“What?! Morrissina! Are you thinking what I’m thinking?!”
“I think I am, darling!!”
“I know you are.”
“I know you are too.”
“Mmmmmmmmmm-mmmmm,” said their mouths as they kissed. Urrrgggh, thought Barry, waiting for them to finish.
“You’re in luck, B-Man!” said Vlad when they finally stopped kissing.
“Er… why?” said Barry.
“Because this character James Pond sounds exactly like Dirk Large!”
“And,” said Morrissina, hugging Barry again, “it’s the premiere of the new Dirk Large movie tonight! With a big party afterwards! At which you can be the guest of honour, Barry!!”
“Great!!” said Barry. “Um… just one thing. Er… Who’s Dirk Large?”
Morrissina moved away from him, incredulous. Vlad also looked like someone had slapped him with a wet fish (as Barry’s grandpa used to say, about surprised faces).
“You really don’t know?” said Vlad. “Where have you been for the last ten years, my friend?”
“Er… somewhere else…” said Barry.
Vlad stood up. He turned his head away from Barry and stared hard into the distance.
“Secret agent. Driver of fast cars. Battler of evil,” he said. He turned back to Barry and mimed aiming a gun at him. “I… am Dirk Large. Of Death in the Car.”
“Except in number 3, when they got Jackie Noodle to be him…”
“Yes, thank you, Jonty. Can you go and get my suit ready, please?”