So that was why Barry was here now, on the red carpet, with loads of screaming fans and cameras everywhere flashing at him. He thought of how the three of them must look. He was wearing a tuxedo again, but not like the one he had worn at Bottomley Hall: this one was white and his bow tie was white with sparkly silver skulls on it. Vlad’s tuxedo was also white; although he wasn’t wearing his bow tie, he had it undone around his neck. Morrissina was wearing a long white dress (not the same long white dress she’d been wearing earlier: this one showed quite a lot of her bosoms, for some reason).
Barry thought about that photograph going all round the world (well – this world), with him in the middle of it. It felt strange. But also very exciting.
When that picture was done, Jonty said to the cameras, “No more photos, guys, that’s it!” and the three of them began to move away. Barry could hear the cries of his name from the photographers growing fainter.
Then, just before they passed through the doors of the cinema, he heard two more shouts of “Barry!” that sounded familiar.
He looked round. The cameras flashed again. He squinted and shielded his eyes. Looking into the crowd of photographers, he thought he saw, above one lens and below another, two faces. A man and a woman: the same man and woman he had seen in the Head’s office, and briefly at Bottomley Hall. Looking at him with concern. And hope. Everyone there was looking at him with hope, of course, hope that he would turn to them and smile for the camera. But these two were looking at him with something else as well. Something he couldn’t quite name.
“Where are you, my darling?” He heard Morrissina say.
“Come on, Barry,” said Jonty into Barry’s ear. “Vlassorina aren’t used to being kept waiting…”
“Sorry!” Barry said. Just before he entered the foyer, he turned once more to the throng of cameras, but couldn’t see the two faces any more.
The film was brilliant. Dirk Large was very like James Bond. He didn’t drive an Aston Martin, didn’t work for MI6, didn’t have the code name 007, no secret gadgets, no people around him called letters like Q and M, and there were quite a lot of other differences, but he did kill a lot of people and sometimes, after killing them, he would say clever little jokes about how they died.
One time Dirk was in the Death Car, which was some kind of amazing jeep/Formula One/Batmobile combo, and another car was trying to force the Death Car off a cliff, but Dirk was a better driver and so the guy who was trying to kill him ended up going off the cliff instead. As he went over, Dirk said, under his breath: “Well, I guess he’s reached the end of the road…”
Which was exactly like something James Bond would’ve said.
Then, afterwards, they went to an enormous party called, for some reason, an after-party. Barry didn’t really understand that as he thought it meant there must have been another party before, but Jonty, who drove him there, explained that it meant the party after the film.
Barry had been expecting to drive to the party with Vlad and Morrissina, but he’d noticed that, when the cameras weren’t on them, or when Jonty wasn’t filming it to go on MeMeMeTube, Vlassorina seemed not to want to be with him quite as much. They were still really nice and smiley, but – as had happened with the car to the party – they’d wave and Vlad would say, “OK, Jonty, you take the B-Man!” and go off. It made Barry feel kind of weird, but he put it out of his mind because everything else was so exciting.
When they got to the party, which was in a huge hotel called the Hotel V that had a big V on top just like Vlassopolis, Jonty made sure Barry met up again with Vlad and Morrissina before they went in. Which meant that he had loads more photos taken, because there were loads more photographers waiting outside there too. It was starting to make his eyes hurt, looking into so many bright camera flashes.
Inside, they were led to a room. In the room were lots of other famous people. Barry was introduced to Finula Postalnarg, and Jatt Blatt, and Imogen Le Bam-Bam – who was chomping through her latest mobile phone, which was funny, although she didn’t seem to think so when Barry laughed. But, although they all clapped and smiled and hugged Vlad and Morrissina when he was introduced as their son, Barry wasn’t sure whether or not they were actually interested in him at all. He did get to meet Monty, who was quite friendly, but it got a bit awkward when Barry asked where the Nose Hairs were, since they hadn’t been invited.
As Monty went off, looking embarrassed, Barry noticed Jonty standing there.
“Jonty?” said Barry. “Um… is this it? The whole party?”
“No,” said Jonty. “Of course not. This is the VIP room.”
“What does that mean?”
“It’s a special room that they have at premieres and showbiz events where the really famous people can go and only have to talk to other really famous people.”
“Oh.”
Jonty nodded towards some doors. “The real party’s happening out there.”
“It is…?”
“Yes,” Jonty said. He checked his watch. “Shall we go and have a look…?” He led Barry over to the doors. As they got nearer, Barry could hear the thump of music. Jonty opened the doors and the music suddenly got much louder. He and Jonty went through on to a balcony – an indoor balcony! – which looked out on to the biggest room, hosting the biggest party that Barry had ever seen.
Another phrase that his grandpa used to say came into his head.
Oh my giddy aunt, thought Barry.