“OK,” said Big Col, “what I want from you, Bazza… is for you to stay in the hole, lying deep, holding up the ball when you need to, but in a free role right at the tip of the diamond, and we’ll stick with the zonal marking 1–3–2–3–1 formation. OK? Although obviously I’d want you to track back when we go man to man.
“Right…” said Barry, nodding. He shouldn’t really have been nodding as, although Barry knew a lot about football, he had no idea what Big Col was talking about.
Big Col was the manager of the United Kid-Dom team. He looked like a fatter and balder version of Jonty/Peevish. He wore a big blue Puffa jacket with the initials BC on it. They were in the home changing room at Wobbly Stadium, and Barry was doing up his boots. He was very, very excited.
There were two reasons why Barry was here.
First, there was a tradition in this world that one ordinary boy, whose birthday it was (Barry had kept quiet about the fact that it wasn’t actually his birthday for another two days), was allowed to play in every one of the United Kid-Dom’s games.
Second, Derek and Emily Fwahm! turned out to be the team’s fitness trainers. This reason was particularly important as it meant that they managed to sneak Barry in right at the top of the long list of kids who wanted to play. Barry had to admit that he was warming to Derek and Emily, having originally thought they were probably numpties.
“OK, Bazza’s been given his instructions. The rest of you – say hello to Bazza!”
The team were all changing into their kit. They stopped and looked over at Barry. They didn’t look that pleased to see him. They also looked very familiar.
“Jezza, Tezza, Mezza, Hezza, Quezza, Smezza, Sea Anemonezza and Dave: I said say hello to Bazza!”
They mumbled a kind of growling hello and went back to putting on shin pads and tying shoelaces.
“So…” said Barry, “you lot are the best kid players in the country? Wow! That’s amazing, what with you all being from the same famil—”
“Um…” said Big Col, interrupting and looking slightly embarrassed, “well, never mind about that. Though here’s someone who is definitely one of the best players in the country.” He led Barry over to one other player, who had his back to him, stretching his calf. “In fact, he could be the best player in the world. Our star man – Lionel Tidy!”
Their star man turned round. He smiled. “Bazza! Hola!” he said.
“Um… hola…” said Barry.
“Que pasa?”
“Um… OK… thanks,” said Barry.
“Muy bueno,” said Lionel.
Barry nodded and Lionel turned back.
Big Col bent down and whispered: “We don’t know why he speaks like that. Some kind of weird language. But he’s so good we don’t ask.”
Big Col gave Barry a thumbs up and went back into the centre of the changing room. Barry put on his United Kid-Dom top. His heart was beating with pride. In fact, his heart was beating on a pride, as the badge, which was next to his heart, was three lion cubs.
Big Col clapped his hands. Barry looked up.
“Right, everyone!” said Big Col. “Time for the warm-up!”
The team came out on to the floodlit pitch. The stadium was already three-quarters full. There was a roar as the crowd saw Lionel Tidy. He acknowledged it with a little smile. Then he ran to the touchline with a ball, flicked it up on to his right foot, then his left, then his right, then spun round while the ball was in the air and kicked it in a perfect arc all the way cross field to where Barry was standing. Barry raised his leg, and trapped it dead underneath his left foot. There was a burst of applause.
This is going to be brilliant! thought Barry. Then he heard a noise.
Fwahm!
Fwahm!
He looked round. Derek and Emily were now standing in the centre circle, wearing United Kid-Dom versions of their Lycra suits. They said together in a sing-song voice:
“OK! Everybody! Gather round!!”
“Oh no…” he heard Jezza say.
“Not again…” said Tezza.
“Must we…?” said Smezza.
“I wish I hadn’t eaten that cheese,” said Dave.
But they all ran over anyway, led by Lionel Tidy. Barry joined them. They lined up in a semi-circle in front of Derek and Emily.
“Right!” said Derek. “Stretches first! Follow us!” Barry mentally prepared to do a bit of leg lifting and carrying – he thought he might try that one he’d seen on TV when footballers bend one of their knees up backwards and grab the boot from behind – but then Derek and Emily together leapt up in the air and landed on the ground… doing the splits.
Ouch, thought Barry. But Lionel Tidy copied them with ease. Jezza, Tezza, Mezza and all the rest of them just about managed to do it, but without the jump and with a lot of groaning.
“Come on, Barry!” said Emily. “It’s your party so you should be leading the way!”
“Uh… OK…” Barry did a frankly rubbish little jump in the air. He landed with his legs only slightly apart, and was planning to say, “Sorry, Derek and Emily, don’t think I can do it,” when his front foot slipped on the grass, and… well… fwahm! Next thing he knew he was bang on the ground with his legs as far apart as they could go.
“OWWWWW!” he said.