“That’s brilliant, Barry! Fantastic!” said Derek. “Best splits I’ve seen in a long time!”
“OWWWWW!” said Barry.
“Are you all right, Barry?!” said Emily.
“OWWWWWWWwww…” he said.
“Breathe, Barry… remember to breathe…!”
“I don’t think he can, Derek!”
“What! Quick! The Grübenschnitzel Manoeuvre!!”
“Of course! Grübenschnitzel to the rescue!!”
Suddenly, Derek had lifted Barry up under the arms and turned him upside down.
“Hey! I can breathe! I just banged my…”
Derek slapped him on the back. Again. And again.
“Ow! Ow! Ow!” said Barry.
“That’s right! Get those lungs working again!” said Derek. He turned him back the right way up.
“OK?!” said Emily.
“Fghm…” said Barry. It was the only word he could manage.
“Good! Now, everyone! Back to the warm-up! Sprint to the goalposts!”
The other players all started off. Barry didn’t: he was still trying to recover from both the splits and the Grübenschnitzel Manoeuvre.
“Come on, Barry, we’ll help you catch up!” said Derek. He and Emily grabbed hold of Barry’s arms and started running; Barry couldn’t help but go with them. The Fwahms! were so fast, it felt like being on the fastest treadmill ever. Barry had to move his still-aching legs as fast as they would go to stop just being dragged along the Wobbly turf. They ran him all the way to the United Kid-Dom goal (which was a long way – it might be kids’ football, but it was a full-size, grown-up pitch) and then back to the centre circle.
They stopped there. Barry couldn’t breathe. He thought that must be the end of the warm-up.
The rest of the team arrived.
“Right!” said Emily. “Press-ups!”
“First one to a hundred wins a bottle of PowerFizz!” said Derek.
The team did a hundred press ups (Lionel Tidy won the bottle of PowerFizz). Barry thought his arms were going to die and have to be buried separately from the rest of his body. And that… that… must be the end of the warm-up.
But then the Fwahms! said, “Right! Squat thrusts!” and after that they said, “Right! Sit-ups!” and then after that, “Right! Head-furtles!” which was a kind of rolling neck movement that Barry had never heard of, and after that, “Right! Back twists!” which was an exercise so painful you don’t even want to know about it, and after that, “Right! Bottom splats!” which was just as painful and also quite embarrassing.
After all that, it still wasn’t the end of the warm-up. But luckily Derek and Emily were distracted by the arrival on to the pitch of the Boysnia-Herzogeweeny team for their warm-up.
The Boysnia-Herzogeweeny team didn’t come on very quickly. In fact, they strolled on. Their fitness coach was a very fat man – even fatter than Big Col – with a wide moustache, the tips of which went down to his chin. He was wearing a large furry coat and carrying a chair. He got to their penalty area, put the chair down and sat on it. Next to the chair he placed a large music player.
“Shmole. Farhstoonken,” he said. “Vvvvvarrrm-up!!”
He pressed a button on the music player.
“Varsttaaaa! Varstaaa! Fadooodle dunka missha! Barstahti bumpa-bumpa pooh-ic-nushpie!” sang a voice.
The words didn’t mean much to Barry, but the tune was really like ‘My Dog’s Surprised by His Own Farts’. After a while, it became clear that this was in fact what it was: a Boysnia-Herzogeweenian version of the song – called ‘Mi Canan Dist Vot-Vos-Dat? Ven Hist Bloots!’ – because the Boysnia-Herzogeweenian team, perfectly in time, started doing the dance. All of them curled up into little balls; then looking up with a surprised face; then getting up on all fours and pretending to bark.
The trainer with the big moustache watched them for about two minutes, then switched off the music player. “Vvvvvarrrm-up finished. Vell done.”
The Boysnia-Herzogeweenian team got up and started walking back towards the changing rooms. The United Kid-Dom team had only stood and watched while they did their dance. Emily and Derek looked a bit surprised by the other team’s warm-up, but, after they’d gone, clapped their hands and said:
“Right! One hundred big toe bends! Then one hundred eyelash presses!”
But, even before they had time to demonstrate a big toe bend, Big Col came on to the pitch and said: “Don’t be stupid, Derek and Emily. The match is about to start!”