Barry had a great afternoon. He played Stinky Pirate Revenge right up to the end. He only stopped playing to have lunch, which was also great: the Ten Cheese pizza was fantastic. He also really liked the Eggy Norman, which Malcolm ordered, and then let Barry eat Norman himself, who had an egg hat and a yolk tie.
The Secretary Entity, however, did not have such a great afternoon. They stared in disbelief as Barry actually did pop his pizza crusts on to their empty plates. They stared in even more disbelief as both their parents sat on the sofa watching while Barry and his Flii control made SmellyBeard walk the plank off his pirate ship, and when SmellyBeard fell in the water – which turned out to be an enormous toilet sailing beside his ship – Malcolm and Marjorie clapped! And Marjorie said: “Oh, Barry! You’re such a clever boy!”
But they saved their most disbelieving stares for when Malcolm and Marjorie came to them, later in the afternoon, with the plans for Barry’s birthday party.
“We love you, Barry, we do… We love you, Barry, we do… We love you, Barry, dear Baaarry…”
Malcolm and Marjorie held the note the longest; The Secretary Entity held it quite a lot shorter, but then it was hard to sing anything through gritted teeth.
“We love you, Barry – we do!”
Malcolm and Marjorie clapped and cheered. Meanwhile, The Secretary Entity presented Barry with his cake. As directed by Barry on his plans, this involved both of them kneeling on one knee, on either side of the cake, and then handing it up to him.
The cake was a chocolate one. On top of it, also in accordance with the plans, it said, in strawberry icing: TO BARRY – THE BEST. Barry had thought about having them add CHILD IN THIS HOUSE but eventually decided that just THE BEST was cooler. And, judging by the expressions on their faces as they handed over the cake, it was still having the same effect on The Secretary Entity. Which was the point.
“Oh, I’m so glad I decided to go for a party at home this time. It’s been a very tiring week,” said Barry, leaning over, ready to blow out the ten candles. He took a deep breath and brought his lips close to the cake.
The Secretary Entity glanced at each other. Then, suddenly, they put their faces close to the cake too and, using their combined breath, blew out every single one of the candles before Barry had a chance to.
Barry looked up at Malcolm and Marjorie with a hurt expression on his face.
“Girls! How dare you!” said Marjorie.
“Yes!” said Malcolm. “That’s a terrible thing to do to Barry!!”
“But that’s what you told us to do!” said Secretary One.
“Yes,” said Secretary Two, “you said we had to do it, because he’s the one who normally gets punished and so he wanted to see someone else get it in the neck for a—”
“Shhhhh!!!” said Malcolm with an anxious glance over at Barry. “You’re spoiling it.”
“Yes,” said Marjorie. “Could you stick to your lines, please?”
The Secretary Entity looked very tired.
“OK, whatever,” said Secretary One. “Ha ha ha, we hate you, Barry, that’s why we blew out your candles…” she continued in a bored voice.
“Yes, we just want to ruin your party because we’re very, very selfish and annoying,” said Secretary Two in an equally bored voice.
“Right!” said Malcolm. “Exactly! So! Go to your room!”
“Yes, to your room! With no cake!” said Marjorie.
“Hold on a minute,” said Barry, raising his arm.
“Yes, what is it, darling?” said Marjorie.
Barry stood up. He looked at The Secretary Entity. “I think they should be allowed a slice of cake each before they go…”
“Well, that’s very, very generous of you, Barry, isn’t it, girls?” said Malcolm.
“Seriously?” said Secretary One. Marjorie just gave her a look. “OK, yes, it’s very generous…” she said in a let’s-just-get-this-over-with way.
“Yes, very generous,” said Secretary Two in exactly the same way.
“Here you are,” said Barry, who had sliced two sections of cake. He handed a plate to each of them.
“Say thank you to Barry,” said Marjorie.
“Thank you, Barry,” said The Secretary Entity in their bored voice.
“Don’t mention it,” said Barry, handing over two forks.
“Is it a vegan cake, Mummy?” said Secretary One.
“Yes, sugar, nut and indeed chocolate free?” said Secretary Two.
“Er…” said Marjorie Bustle, looking at the cake awkwardly, “…no.”
“Barry… he doesn’t like those ones,” said Malcolm, even more awkwardly.
The Secretary Entity stared at the cake like they would normally turn their noses up at it. But, then again, they had only had some pizza crusts for lunch; so after a second they dived in and started eating.
Suddenly, both of their faces contorted.
“Urrrrgghhhh!!” said one.
“Fwurrggggghhh!!” said the other.
“What’s the matter?” said Malcolm.
It was hard for either of them to speak as their mouths were full of cake. But Secretary One managed to say, through what looked like a mouthful of mud: “It’s got SALT IN IT!!”
“Not in it,” said Barry. “On it…” He held up a salt cellar. And smiled.
“And… ugggrrggh!! Pepper!”
Barry held up the pepper grinder. “Yes. Sorry.”
Malcolm and Marjorie glanced at each other.
“Fwurrgggghhh!!” said Secretary Two, spitting crumbs of cake out on to the floor.
Malcolm and Marjorie continued to look at each other. Then Marjorie leant over to Malcolm and whispered, very quietly: “I don’t know how much more of this I can stand…”
“I know,” whispered Malcolm back. “But… what else can we do?”
“Give up on the idea of a third child?”
“Is that what you want?”
She thought for a second then shook her head.
“OK,” said Malcolm, still whispering. “So, for the moment… just go with it, Marjorie!”
She nodded. They turned, together.
“Ha ha ha!!” said Malcolm. “What a funny joke, Barry!”
“Yes!” said Marjorie. “That’s one of the funniest practical jokes I’ve ever seen! You’re so funny and clever!”
Barry was about to smile and say “Thank you” when The Secretary Entity started making some very strange noises. Not just “Fwurrgggghhh!!” but also “Crrgggghh!!” and “Kkkkkracchhh!!”.
Then Secretary One fell to the floor, clutching her throat.
Followed almost immediately by Secretary Two, doing the same.