“Um… are they OK?” said Marjorie.
“Yes, yes, fine. Aren’t you, girls?” said Malcolm.
“Urggghblarrp!!” said Secretary One.
“Dszssefffccch!” said Secretary Two.
“There you are,” said Malcolm.
Now for Barry, up to this point, all of this had, in a way, been fun. Even though The Secretary Entity weren’t exactly The Sisterly Entity, they were enough like them – in terms of looking and acting just the same – for Barry to really enjoy getting his own back for once. And it had felt nice, knowing that the grown-ups were always going to take his side, however badly he behaved.
At the same time, it had also felt a little bit… nasty. And, as the day had gone on, he had found that the thrill of being the favourite – and being able to do things that he knew would get under The Secretary Entity’s skin – had got less and less, and the feeling of nastiness had grown. It was almost as if he had to get nastier and nastier to feel the same thrill again.
Watching both sisters writhe on the floor – Secretary One had gone blue and Secretary Two purple – should have felt great, because that’s why he’d chosen this type of parent and drawn up a big plan for how they had to be: so that he could feel what it would be like to take revenge on his little sisters. And what was better than this? Barry had, after all, in his darkest moments wished one or both of his sisters were dead.
But it didn’t feel great. It felt awful.
And seeing Malcolm and Marjorie stand by while it was happening because they didn’t want to upset Barry – because they thought that’s what he wanted them to do – felt even worse.
So Barry stepped forward and said: “Time for the Grübenschnitzel Manoeuvre!!”
“Pardon?” said Malcolm.
“Um… even though you are our favourite, Barry,” said Marjorie, “I don’t think now is the best time for more food…”
“No!” said Barry. “The Grübenschnitzel Manoeuvre!!”
Remembering exactly what Derek Fwahm! had done to him, he bent down quickly to Secretary One. He grabbed her by the heels in order to pick her up and turn her upside down. But he only succeeded in dragging her legs halfway up his own body. Then he tried to do the same to Secretary Two, but her legs kept falling back down again.
Eventually, he managed to get both of them on either side of him with their legs sort of up against his sides. He raised his arms in order to slap them hard on the back in the correct Grübenschnitzel manner. But all he could manage from this position was a light tap on each of their bottoms, which was both useless and not a little embarrassing.
By now, The Secretary Entity had started making noises that couldn’t even be written down. Barry looked over to Malcolm and Marjorie to help. But they seemed rooted to the spot with terror. Barry turned back towards the floor. He felt a huge swell of emotion building up in him. The thought of The Secretary Entity choking, or being properly hurt in any way, seemed suddenly like the worst thing possible.
Barry realised there was something he needed to say. It was really just two words. But he hadn’t said them for a very long time. He didn’t even know if they were the right words in this strange, like-his-but-not-exactly-like-his-world world. But there was nothing else left to do.
“GINNY!!” he said. “KAY!! Breathe!! Please!! Breathe!!”
Even from their half-upside-down position – even while choking, even about to fall into unconsciousness – both little girls looked very surprised at this. So surprised, in fact, that both of them stuck their heads up and looked at Barry and, in doing so, coughed violently, ejecting – like little spongy cannonballs from their throats – the pesky bits of salty, peppery cake that had been lodged there.
Both of these bits of cake (quite sloppy and messy by now) curved up in the air and hit Barry – splodge! – simultaneously on each cheek.
Immediately, Malcolm and Marjorie rushed to hug Kay and Ginny. As Barry watched the two girls being folded in their parents’ arms, he realised something: most parents didn’t have favourites among their children. They loved all their children, in different ways, at different times. And it didn’t matter if sometimes that wasn’t you, because soon it would be. And also that it was OK – no, it was nice, it was good – to see your sisters loved.
As it happened, after he’d had this deep and meaningful realisation about how it didn’t matter about being a family favourite, he became this family’s favourite. Marjorie looked round from hugging the girls and said: “Oh, Barry! Thank you, Barry!”
“Yes! Thank you, Barry!” said Malcolm.
“Actually, yes, thank you very much, Barry…” said Secretary One.
“Me too with the thanks, Barry!” said Secretary Two.
And then they all came over and hugged him. Which was lovely. Although Barry did feel, in the middle of it, suddenly very, very tired.
“But how did you know our names?” Secretary One was saying. “We’ve never told you them…”
Barry just smiled wearily and said: “I’m going back to the Parent Agency.”