At first, Barry couldn’t understand where he was. He thought that perhaps he’d gone halfway back into his world and got stuck inside his bedroom wall, behind the poster of James Bond. Because, when the light in his eyes went away, standing in front of him was Q. He knew it was Q because he was wearing a tweed suit. It must have been him shining the light in his eyes, from a pen that was also an ultra-powerful laser.
Next to Q was a lady with a long dress and big 1960s hair, who seemed to be Miss Moneypenny. And, behind them, he could see lots of other characters – Jaws, and Oddjob, and that strange Spanish man with the blond wig from Skyfall. And he could hear, quite loudly, the theme music playing: Dah Da-Da-Da/Dadada/Dah!da-da-da/Da-Da-Da/DAH-DAH!/Dadada!!!
But then he realised it wasn’t quite those people. It was people dressed up as them.
The man who looked like Q was his dad: Geoff Bennett. And the woman dressed as Miss Moneypenny was his mum: Susan Bennett.
“Barry!” said his mum, rushing forward. “Oh, Barry!” She bent over and hugged his head really tightly and kissed him over and over again. Which made it difficult to see what was going on. But he could just make out his dad’s face. He was smiling, but also crying.
Why would he be doing that? And why were they dressed like this? And why, Barry thought, looking around him, was he – Barry – in some unfamiliar white bed?
A man appeared on the other side of the bed. Barry didn’t recognise him, although he did look a little bit like Peevish/Jonty/Big Col. Only Peevish/Jonty/Big Col in a white coat.
His mum moved back to let this man speak to Barry, but she kept holding his hand.
“Hello, Barry,” said the man. “I’m Dr Evans.”
“Hello…” said Barry.
“Sorry about shining that light in your eyes just now.”
“Oh. Was that you?”
“Yes,” he said. “Do you know where you are?”
“The United Kid-Dom?” said Barry.
Dr Evans frowned. “No… No. You’re in a hospital. Off the A41… Barry. Do you know what a coma is?”
Barry thought he did, but before he could answer, his dad spoke.
“Oh, Barry, I’m so sorry!! I’m so sorry I bought you the wrong Casino Royale!!”
That seemed so long ago Barry could hardly remember what his dad was talking about.
“Was it so bad it put me in a coma?” said Barry.
“What? No! No…” said his dad. “No, it’s just… after you threw it at Mum, we had that row, and I sent you upstairs to bed. And then…” He stopped here and looked away.
“I ran out and upstairs to my room,” said Barry.
“No, darling,” said his mum. He looked over at her. “You tripped over.”
“I did?”
“Yes. It was my fault. The dishwasher… you know how I always leave it open…?”
“Yes.”
“Well, it’s because there’s always so many dishes on the go, you know…”
“Yes…”
“Anyway, I was crouching there, not really looking because you’d thrown that DVD at me… and all my egg timers had fallen off the kitchen counter…”
“Oh yes! Sorry about that!”
“That’s OK, my darling. But you were running so fast – and before I knew what had happened you’d slid on all the sand and glass on the floor. You landed on your head.”
Now she looked away.
“And then…”
Barry looked up. It was one of The Sisterly Entity talking. They were dressed as Mr Wint and Mr Kidd, Blofeld’s villainous henchmen from Diamonds Are Forever. Which meant they were both wearing men’s suits and one of them had a fake moustache and glasses. This made Barry start to wonder which of the two worlds – this one or the United Kid-Dom – was real.
“…then you just lay on the floor.”
“Yes.”
“Out cold.”
“For ages.”
“Well, until just now really.”
“You’ve been in a coma for five days, Barry.” This was Dr Evans speaking.
Barry frowned. Five days? He sat up in bed. Jaws and Oddjob and the strange Spanish man with the wig from Skyfall were at the end of his bed.
“Hello!” said Jaws.
“Hi!” said Oddjob.
“Nice to have you back!” said the strange Spanish man with the wig from Skyfall.
Only it wasn’t actually them: it was Lukas and Taj and Jake, dressed up. Jake’s wig was even worse than the one in the film.
“Hello…” said Barry. “But… why are you all here? And why are you all dressed like this?”
His dad nodded to his mum. His mum nodded to The Sisterly Entity. Who nodded to his friends. Who, as it turned out, were holding the music player that was playing the James Bond theme. Then all together – sort of half to the James Bond theme and half to the normal song – they sang:
“Happy Birthday to you, Happy Birthday to you, Happy Birthday, DEAR BAR-RY!! (that bit went with DA-DA!!)… Happy Birthday to you!!”
As the song ended, his mum produced a really big cake with ten candles surrounding some icing letters that said 007. Straddling the 0s, there was a little James Bond figure with a jet pack on.
“Barry…” said his mum. “We’ve been sitting here every day and every night, hoping and praying that you’d come out of the coma. And then we thought: maybe he’ll come round in time for his birthday. And, if he does, we thought…”
“We thought we should be ready to give you exactly the birthday party you wanted,” said his dad. “Right here, if necessary.” He bent down and, from a blue canvas IKEA bag, brought out, on a hanger, a child-size tuxedo.
“Oh wow!” said Barry.
“There’s a gun to go with it!” said his dad, bending down again.
“Is it a real one?” said Barry.
“No,” said his dad. He took out a black, solid-looking revolver. “But it is an exact replica of a Walther PPK.”
“Oh!” said Barry. “That’s amazing! Thank you so much!”
“Barry!” said one of The Sisterly Entity. “You’ve forgotten to blow out your candles!”
Barry turned to them. “Oh yes! Thanks for reminding me, Ginny!”
Ginny looked confused at being called Ginny by her brother. Perhaps because it had been so long since he’d done so. “I’m Kay,” she said.
“Oh, sorry. Sorry, Ginny,” he said to the other one. “And thanks, Kay!”
And then, in one big blow, Barry blew out the candles. He blew so hard that the little James Bond, with his little jet pack, took off from the top of the cake. Which was just perfect.