FOREWORD TO THE MEMOIR

I first heard the second edition of The Husband Swap was coming out when Franklin Veaux, co-publisher of Thorntree Press, contacted me and asked me if I could write a foreword.

I don’t entirely know why Franklin asked me, and I don’t believe in Fate or Universal Intention. But if I did, I would believe that the Universe wanted to smack me, and smack me hard, to remind me I’m not allowed to get cocky about polyamory in my oh-so-hyper-sensible persona on my blog as The Polyamorous Misanthrope.

This (well-written) book made me cringe as if I were watching Fawlty Towers (lack of communication makes me squirm, and most of the humour in the show revolves around this). Why? Well, I’ve been as foolish as the people in this book.

Polyamory is supposed to be about love at its core. To truly love requires a deep understanding of both yourself and your partners. Even the smartest of people can be remarkably stupid and willing to fool themselves when it comes to love and sex. We see that in this book, as it definitely describes a train wreck of a relationship.

Louisa’s memoir made me relive my own group marriage, which we affectionately referred to as “OLQ” for “our little quad.” Ego, vanity, or lack of communication, appropriate boundaries, or maturity — you name it. Many of the incidents in this book could have been OLQ, and that hurt to read, because it meant owning that foolishness, blindness and lack of love.

I kind of hate to put that kind of thing out there in the polyamory press. I want to be positive about polyamory.I want polyamory to carry the banner of good, mature and loving relationships. I want us to be experts in love. I also believe in the truth.

The truth is that relationships work when the people involved are mature, have good self-knowledge, and are willing to put the work into being loving. To pretend that the train wrecks cannot happen would be irresponsible. Not to warn people of the possible pitfalls would be cruel.

I do not know the author personally, but I get the sense from this memoir that she’s feeling like the parent of an older teenager begging the kids, “No, no, I’m not telling you this because it’s okay to be foolish. Learn from my mistakes! Please, see what I did wrong so you can avoid the holes I fell in!”

You could, with some justification, point to these train wrecks as arguments against polyamory. That would be understandable.

It would also be wrong.

While open relationships are hardly new, the cultural narrative that allows us to have a benchmark about what’s acceptable in them and the social support to help us with reality checks when it is bad simply don’t exist yet. We see jealousy as an aberration rather than a signal that something might be wrong. Goodness knows poly people can be notoriously crap at boundaries until we’re burned a few times. I have to blame the monogamy narrative for that little gem of an idea, though. Ever seen a romantic movie or read a romance where the lovers had good boundaries? Nope, me neither.

The reality is that a failed relationship is simply not proof a relationship form doesn’t work. If that were so, we’d be insane not to ban the bog-standard monogamous marriage, given our current divorce rate.

Polyamorous or monogamous, we get into relationships for lots of reasons, and sometimes those reasons are the wrong ones. But more than that, sometimes there’s no reason to it. If you asked me why I am poly, I honestly couldn’t give you a reason. At least not one where Reason held sway. I am because I am, just as much as a person might be turned on by redheads, or want to swim the English Channel.

When you get into polyamory when Reason is not involved, you’ll start looking for reasons. As sure as God made little green apples, you’ll find the wrong reason. You’ll justify to yourself, and you’ll make a mess.

If you read this book with the idea “I could never do that!” or “No way would I permit that to happen in my life,” I invite you to do two things: develop a little more humility and work hard on your self-knowledge. That’s the best good that can ultimately come out of stories of relationships that didn’t work. Yes, pitfalls can be avoided, and yes, you might be able to learn from another’s mistake, but you can’t do it from arrogance. You can do it from learning to love genuinely and deeply.

The love that will allow you to avoid these mistakes is a love that involves knowledge of yourself, deep understanding of your partners, a willingness to set appropriate boundaries and a huge helping of honesty — starting with yourself. Do you know what you want? Are you sure you know? I ask this as an introvert who has a desperate need for solitude and thought for sixteen years that a group marriage would be the apex of happiness for me.

The polyamory community often hears that polyamory isn’t easy. That’s a bit disingenuous. The reality is that good relationships of any sort aren’t easy. It’s not necessarily that the relationships are work. It’s that good relationships require you to ruthlessly and tirelessly work on yourself.

However, even if relationships in general are work, it is true that polyamory isn’t for sissies, nor is it for people who do not know how to have good relationships. Read this book carefully. There are excellent lessons in it, like a lovely coral reef below turbulent waves.

Dive in and learn. You’ll be glad you did.

— Noël Lynne Figart, 2015