8

The Meeting

Shame was a big deal in your life. It stemmed from a fear of judgement. Your fears weren’t unfounded; people did judge you. But what you hadn’t realised is that living with shame had held you back for years. Your childhood was peppered with religious influences, and shame — the internalised judgements of others — was one of the many destructive tools used to make you “behave.” Yet by suppressing yourself and your true desires, by hiding from yourself, you managed to become the very person others would judge so severely. (If only they knew everything you’ve done now!)

But some things could not be hidden in your new world of honesty. Your former promiscuity, for one. It might surprise you to know that, nowadays, embracing your unparalleled ability to connect with others (and it is a great ability) combined with better self-esteem means you are far choosier in your partners. This is neither a good nor a bad thing. Because whilst your promiscuity happened to be destructive to you, it was nothing to be ashamed of. Promiscuity in general is nothing to be ashamed of. Trust me: I am you, after all.

So you tried to be honest, but soon realised that being honest meant you had to face up to who you were, with all that entailed. How terrible for you! How difficult it was to finally look in the mirror and see all that you had done, all that society would judge you for. Especially British society (luckily, you weren’t born in another area of the world where the repercussions might have been even greater).

Among the many things Elena brought to the table was a difference in attitude about sex. Sex was good as far as she was concerned. The fact that you’d slept with a lot of men meant — for her — that you were sexually adventurous. Nothing more.

But you blamed her, didn’t you? For making you feel awkward, embarrassed and ashamed. For exposing your vulnerability. If only you’d realised that the more you hid from yourself, the more vulnerable you would feel. The disgust for yourself that she exposed was redirected toward her, and that’s not cool. But remember what we said: no shame. You made a mistake. So what? Are you not — like everyone else — human?

I love you. With all your experiences. With all your superpowers and with all your abundant humanity. I love you and it’s not your fault. But it is your responsibility. Shame will hinder your ability to make healthy decisions, because shame is extremely damaging to your self-esteem. The more ashamed you feel, the more disgust you will feel for yourself, and the more you will make destructive choices.

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No matter what you think you’ve done, lose the shame. It’s the product of internalizing other people’s judgement. It does no one any favours, least of all you.