20
“I’m a big opponent of divorce. Why leave the nut you know for one you don’t?”
—Loretta Lynn
The trip was just what the doctor ordered, spiritual Prozac. Even though I was back in the saddle at home, doing volunteer work for Miles’s school, I felt like I’d turned a corner. I was happily leading new prospective parents through tours of the hundred-fifty-year-old institution, which was not unlike Hogwarts, but sans capes and wands. It was a highly traditional, extremely rigorous course of study, complete with long white beards, plays by Ionesco, an organic chef in the dining room, and tweed aplenty. The school received a thousand applications for sixty spots. Two days a week I led wide-eyed couples through the mahogany-paneled halls, gesturing Vanna White style at the plaques that bore the names of two U.S. presidents, several accomplished writers, doctors, and an Academy Award winner. The couples all strolled hand in hand, probably thinking how lucky I was to be already “in,” when in fact these women would die if they knew how thoroughly un-perfect my life was.
I loved peering into Miles’s classrooms throughout the day, like a Where’s Waldo-style treasure hunt, from the science lab (in his white coat and safety glasses) to the gym, to social studies, where they were studying South America. After school we walked to the park for his soccer, and as I stood chilly on the sidelines, I got a call from Tim’s friend, Lars Hartstreich, from EdgeCreek Capital.
“Holly, I’m so sorry about the news of you and Tim—” He sounded sincerely upset.
“Yeah, well . . . yeah. What’re you gonna do? I never thought this would be me, but hey, if you want to make God laugh, tell him your plans, right?”
“Well, Emma and I are thinking of you, and if there’s anything we can do, please let us know.”
“Thanks. . . .” I paused, signaling that it was okay to cut to the chase; he was clearly calling for something. Lars was a great guy whom I had always liked. But my defenses were still up from the breakup and I still felt antisocial vis-à-vis the hedge fund world, which was weirdly small.
“So I’m calling because I know you said you’d be willing to be a vice chair for the Bankers for Babies gala, and I wanted to confirm you’re still on board—”
I drew breath to respond with a lame wriggling out of my commitment, but before I could speak, he continued.
“Holly, I know you’ve been through a lot, but you always bring so much to these events and we really hope we can count on you. We sent out the invitations a few weeks ago and didn’t hear from you, but Emma and I would love to have you as our guest. Please join us. . . .”
“Um, okay,” I mustered, before I could think clearly. Shoot, what did I go and say yes for? I didn’t want to go! It was all hedgie bores and their quasi-lobotomized wives. I had endured it every year, even serving on the gala committee for the last three, and wanted to shut the gilded door on that whole world. But they had been my friends for years, and I guess it was a knee-jerk reaction to still being included when I had been feeling so out to sea socially.
“Terrific. We’ll send the car for you next Thursday evening, then.”
“Okay, thanks, Lars. Bye—”
Though I was dreading the evening, I was touched that Lars and Emma would still want me on board despite the fact that I was the jilted ex. I wasn’t just a “plus one” arm-candy addition to Tim.
That night Miles and I worked on his diorama of all the planets in the galaxy. As the supposedly nontoxic model paints stank up our den, Miles broke my heart wide open. Talk about the Big Bang.
“Mommy, I know you and Daddy say you will not get back together. But are we still a family? Even with two houses?”
Spear through aorta.
I blinked back tears as the lump in my throat grew into invisible hands that strangled me, rendering me unable to breathe. I gathered myself enough to slowly answer.
“Sweetness, your daddy and I still love you as much as we ever have, and just because you see us separately doesn’t mean you don’t have a family that loves you. More than anything. You are my whole world. My galaxy . . .” I kissed his forehead and hugged him before he could see my eyes watering.