Chapter Three

“Don’t make me throw another pilchard at you, Captain!”

I’m standing at the top of a mast on a really old ship holding a telescope. Seagulls swoop overhead and sharks circle in the water.

SHARKS!!!

SEAGULLS!!!

WATER!!!

When I look around I see that I’m bobbing in the middle of the sea.

THE MIDDLE OF THE SEA!!!

“Well, Captain? Have you spotted ’em yet?”

I see four figures on the deck looking up at me. They are…

A grizzled-looking sea dog with a banana-coloured bandana.

A gnarled old codger with a dagger in his teeth.

 

 

A hairy old rogue with a peg leg.

A rascally knave with a fiddle…

 

 

And suddenly there’s a parrot, sitting on my shoulder! “Pirates! Pirates! They be pirates!” he squawks.

“Have you seen ’em, Cap’n?” says the pirate with the banana bandana.

A huge gust of wind fills the sails. The ship leans right over, almost tipping me into the sea!

“You better come down from the crow’s nest, Captain, looks like we got a gale blowin’ in,” says the pirate with the banana bandana.

So I climb and trip and tumble down the mast, fall through the rigging, lose my footing, crash into a big barrel and come up with a live eel in my mouth, which wriggles free and plops over the side of the ship.

 

 

I throw my arms in the air like I meant to do the whole thing and take a big bow.

I think I got away with it.

“Very nice, Captain,” says the pirate with the banana bandana.

“Gngnmnphnpm…” says the pirate with the dagger in his teeth.

“What happened?” says the fiddle player. “What was that gigantic splosh?”

That’s when I realize the fiddle player is completely blind.

The pirates look like a really mean bunch; they’ve got scars and tattoos and loads of gaps in their mouths where their teeth should be.

This is incredibly strange. What am I doing here? Maybe I bumped my head on Granddad’s bed and stumbled to the party in a daze. Or maybe I’m dreaming. I do get some pretty wild dreams, but they’re mainly about giant cheese toasties taking over the world. There’s only one way to find out if this is a dream.

I ask the pirates to move a bit closer.

“Will one of you pinch me?” I whisper.

The pirate with the banana bandana looks at me, slugs a gulp from his jug, wipes his mouth with the back of his hand and falls into a rasping, wheezing cackle.

“Nice one, Cap’n.” He turns and biffs the pirate with the dagger in his teeth straight in the chops.

“Gnmphphphpng…” says the pirate with the dagger in his teeth.

“He says nice one too,” says the blind fiddle player.

Wait a minute. I get it!

This is all part of Hector’s party, and instead of the usual bouncy castle and a pat on the back like I got, his mum and dad have hired him a whole pirate ship and put it in the middle of this great big massive sea with real live sharks! Yeah, that would be Hector all over.

“Well, Captain, you’ve been up in the crow’s nest. Have you seen him yet?” says the pirate with the banana bandana.

I haven’t got a clue who they’re talking about.

“Do you mean Hector?” I reply.

“I was speakin’ of Captain Black,” says the pirate with the banana bandana. “He who shall remain nameless…”

“But you just said his name,” I reply.

“No I didn’t,” he growls.

“Yes you did. You said, ‘Captain Black – he who shall remain nameless’.”

“Do not say the name of Captain Black!” says the pirate with the peg leg. “Oh, blowfish! I’ve gone and said it now.”

This is all very silly.

“Captain Black,” says the pirate with the banana bandana, “is the meanest, grizzliest dog that ever sailed the high seas.”

“With a wicked temper,” scowls the blind fiddle player.

The pirates all nod gravely. They really are very good at the pirate act.

“And he’s sailing his ship right for us,” says the pirate with the peg leg. “Which is why we’re on lookout!”

“Let me take a peek,” says the blind fiddle player. He puts the telescope to his eye and points it at the sea. “I can’t see nothing at all,” he gurgles.

“When I spy Captain Black,” says the pirate with the banana bandana, “I’ll take my trusty cutlass and do him from ear to ear…”

“And there to there,” says the pirate with the peg leg. “And everywhere in-between.”

The four pirates cackle and do high fives – except the pirate with the peg leg, who also has a hooked hand, so he does a high hook instead.

“I like that, Peg Leg Reg,” says the pirate with the banana bandana, “from there to there and everywhere in-between.”

“Nice one, nice one…” squawks the parrot.

“We hate Captain Black,” says the blind fiddle player.

 

“He got the best name in the game!” says Peg Leg Reg.

“And the best beard,” says the pirate with the banana bandana.

“Gnmpmnpnp…” says the pirate with the dagger in his teeth.

The pirate with the banana bandana throws his knife into the deck. “Well, we’ve got our own top pirate, isn’t that right, boys? Who was it who rammed and looted a Spanish galleon?” he cries.

“Cap’n John the Fierce!” they roar.

“Who was it who single-handedly ate a Portuguese man-of-war jellyfish with custard and chocolate sprinkles?” says the blind fiddle player.

“Cap’n John the Fierce!” they roar.

“And who was it who stole ten thousand false moustaches from the English – right from under their noses?” says Peg Leg Reg.

“CAPTAIN JOHN THE FIERCE!” they roar at the top of their voices.

“Tell me,” I interrupt, “who is this Captain John the Fierce? Because he sounds really exciting!”

The pirates all stare at me.

“Why, you’re Captain John the Fierce, ya barnacle-brained wassock!” says the pirate with the banana bandana.

“Me?” I laugh. “I mean, of course – me! I’m Captain John the Fierce!”

The pirates all nudge each other and cackle. “You were having a laugh with us,” guffaws the pirate with the banana bandana. “Pretending we doesn’t know who we is talking about, when we is quite plainly talking about you, Cap’n…”

I try a hearty laugh. The pirate crew laugh even louder. So I take a mouthful of air and give them my best throaty roar.

“Good old Cap’n John the Fierce!” cheer the pirates.

I’ve never been captain of anything before, not even captain of the school netball team, which I once tried to join to get out of homework.

I jump on a barrel, slap my thigh (they seem to love that sort of stuff ) and announce: “I am Captain John the Fierce!” Then I swish my sword around a few times. The four pirates stamp their feet and guffaw.

“And beware he who crosses my path!” I chortle.

I swish my sword one last time. But the sword accidentally flies out of my hand and slices through a net of coconuts, which go rolling all over the deck.

“Our coconuts!” says the pirate with the banana bandana. “Loads of good, tasty vitamins to ward off nasty diseases like scurvy.”

 

The blind fiddle player starts to play a merry tune and the pirates jig around on the deck.

“Gentleman, raise your jugs to Cap’n John the Fierce, the most feared pirate that ever sailed on the seven seas,” says the pirate in the banana bandana.

“And the eighth sea and the ninth sea too,” says the blind fiddle player.

“Gnmpmphphph…” says the pirate with the dagger in his teeth.

“Here’s to a brutal skirmish where we all get cruelly cut down and lose several limbs!” says the pirate with the banana bandana.

“I’ll drink to that,” says Peg Leg Reg. He unscrews his leg and pours foamy liquid straight in his gob.

“You’re all going to die! You’re all going to die!” squawks the parrot. And then he poos all over my shoulder.

This is really brilliant stuff and incredibly believable. I don’t know where everyone else from the party is – maybe they’re off doing their own adventures and we’re all going to meet up later and swap our stories over fizzy drinks and crisps.

I’m so excited I think I’m going to wet myself.