At a restaurant. GREG stands, waiting in the lobby. Checks his watch once or twice, watching the door. After a moment, STEPH walks past.
They see each other and stop cold. Silence for a moment.
GREG Steph.
STEPH Oh. Hi.
GREG Hey.
STEPH Wow. I’m …
GREG Surprise.
STEPH nods her head, unsure what to do next. GREG waits.
STEPH Huh. So, this is … you know. Funny.
GREG Yep.
STEPH Seeing you here.
GREG Right.
STEPH Yeah, it’s … ummm … I’m working over at a salon nearby, so that’s … but yeah.
GREG What’re you … So, are you, like, in there having dinner or something? / A meal?
STEPH Uh-huh. / Dinner.
GREG ’Kay.
STEPH Yep. You?
GREG Waiting. (Points.) We had a double-header tonight, so … that’s why I’m dressed like this. / Casual male. Attire.
STEPH Ahhh. / Cool.
GREG Mmm-hmm. (Beat.) And are you … you know?
STEPH What?
GREG You know. With someone.
STEPH Yes.
GREG OK. Not your parents, though. I mean, that’d be kinda weird—not weird, but—on a, like, Wednesday night. So …
STEPH No.
GREG Carly?
STEPH Nope, not anybody you know …
GREG I see. Good. (Backtracks.) I just mean … you know, wouldn’t wanna see anybody that we’re both friends with. / Or …
STEPH Uh-huh. / And you? Who’re you waiting for?
GREG Just … people. / From work.
STEPH Oh. / I see. Not a girl?
GREG No.
STEPH Me either. (Grins.) I mean, I’m not with a girl, either. / So …
GREG ’Kay. / Although that would explain a lot.
STEPH Ha-ha. (Beat.) It’s just dinner.
GREG Fine.
STEPH Yes, it is. It’s a very fine and nice time that I’m having. It’s a great place.
GREG I like it, too … I mean, the lobby.
STEPH I don’t know why we never came here as a couple. Back then, I’m saying.
GREG No, yeah, I get what you mean. I’m not sure, actually … little bit out of town, I suppose.
STEPH That might be it.
GREG ’Cause we did like to eat out, didn’t we? I mean, back in the … yesteryear.
STEPH We did, yes.
GREG All kinds of spots.
STEPH Mmmmm.
GREG That’s … remember that crazy little, what do they call it, fondue restaurant? With all the cheese sauces and crap like that?
STEPH Which, with the … ? / Oh, sure. Right.
GREG Yeah. That one. / Had that alpine-looking roof on it and everybody running around in, whatevertheycallems? Lederhosen or something like that … the Cheddar Hut.
STEPH Exactly! (Laughs.) That was funny …
GREG Yep. Good eats, though.
STEPH True.
GREG I mean, for all the silliness.
STEPH Right …
GREG Who was it that suggested that place to us? I can’t remember now …
STEPH Carly, I think. / Maybe.
GREG Was it? / Hmmm.
STEPH Think so … She and Kent’d gone there, had a coupon or something, and they liked it. (Beat.) He thought it was cool that they’d put beer in the cheese, that it was part of the recipe …
GREG Exactly! Yeah, that’s it … (Beat.) Not a real connoisseur or anything, that guy.
STEPH No. Not much.
They stand for a moment, nodding. Unsure what else to say to each other. GREG checks the time.
GREG If you need to go, you should …
STEPH Yeah, probably. Just going to the ladies’ room, don’t wanna appear like I took off or anything …
GREG No.
STEPH Not a good first impression.
GREG Oh … so, I mean … this is, like, a first date or something?
STEPH Yep. Well, I’ve actually known him for a while, but—doesn’t matter. / Yes.
GREG I see. / That’s … huh. Huh-huh-huh.
STEPH What?
GREG Nothing. (Smiles.) Good for you.
STEPH I’ll bet …
GREG No, seriously. Congrats.
STEPH You’re not wishing me “good luck,” Greg, I know you.
You’re wishing the guy gets a bone stuck in his throat or something …
GREG Yeah, but I hope you have a good time. (Beat.) And you can always kill his pets if you don’t.
STEPH Ha! (Laughs.) Whatever …
GREG Uh-huh. What-ever.
STEPH That’s … I mean, I know we went through a bit of shit there recently, a few crappy months or whatnot, but it doesn’t hurt to wish another person well, really doesn’t.
GREG OK.
STEPH “OK” what? Why do you always answer me or other people with something so … God, so fucking obtuse in response to what we say to you? Why do you do that?
GREG Steph, you know what? I don’t even know a word that could describe that word … let alone what that one means, so I doubt I’m being that. Whatever it is. (Beat.) And ya know what? I read a lot, so … that’s …
STEPH I’m trying to make a life for myself, OK? Trying to grow and, and … shit. Nothing.
GREG Good, go for it. Knock yourself out.
STEPH And it’s just, like … impossible for you to wish me happiness, right? To hope that I might have that happen to me?
GREG You know what, it might be a little early to ask me to perform “bighearted,” OK? (Beat.) You’re at a good restaurant, I can only imagine that you’re with some
decent guy who’s gonna treat you well and drives a nice car and thinks you’re the fucking apple of his eye—don’t be surprised when he tries to get in your panties if you go for anything more than the chicken dish, but—I’ll bet he’s amazing and I hope he is the height of passion and all that … Stephanie, I wish you only the best. I’m serious when I say this: have a beautiful life. Now can you use the toilet and just let me wait for my friends? Huh?
STEPH (to herself) … you’re such a prick.
GREG That’s even classier when you’re wearing a dress. / ’S nice.
STEPH Fuck you. / Asshole.
GREG I never realized that until now, but it’s true. High heels and a smutty mouth are a perfect match …
STEPH I’m trying to look pretty, all right?! I’m trying to make myself feel better because my former boyfriend—this guy that I gave a whole lot of my heart to—couldn’t find me attractive and now it keeps me awake at night, wondering what’s wrong with me. Why I was so unappealing to him … (Beat.) So, yeah, I’m wearing a skirt tonight so that I feel a little sexier, or cuter or, you know … what the hell do you care?
GREG I don’t. I’m not at all worried about it.
STEPH Bullshit …
GREG Bull-shit.
STEPH I see you looking at me—even now I can see you
glancing down at my legs and all that crap … You totally miss me. My body.
GREG Wow … You’re going for the mother lode tonight, huh?
STEPH The fuck’s that mean?
GREG You want this new guy and me, ’s that it? / Approval from the whole damn group …
STEPH No … / That’s not what I’m …
GREG Well, you know what, fine, I’ll toss you a bone, makes you feel any better—I just can’t live with myself knowing that I’ve made you feel bad … (Smirks.) Listen, you look beautiful, yes, you do, but so what? You never wore that getup with me, so it doesn’t exactly thrill me to tell you all that, build you up about your dress …
STEPH It’s new. And it’s a skirt, not a dress.
GREG Whatever! Bought for tonight, I suppose.
STEPH Yes.
GREG That’s great.
STEPH I had to have something.
GREG Sure.
STEPH You’d do the same thing …
GREG Yeah? Really? Look at me, you recognize anything I’ve got on?
STEPH Of course …
GREG Well, then, I guess your little theory there is full of shit …
STEPH What’s that mean?
GREG Nothing. / Just forget it …
STEPH No, what? / … so you are meeting someone then, is that what you’re saying?
GREG doesn’t respond immediately—he glances at his watch again while STEPH looks over her shoulder, back into the restaurant.
GREG No. Maybe. / Yes, but it’s, it’s not any sort of date, really. Not officially.
STEPH I see. / Is it that new girl?
GREG No! I’ve never even met her before.
STEPH So it’s a blind date.
GREG It’s a meeting. Some friends are just, you know … introducing us.
STEPH Sure.
GREG It’s more of a gathering, really. / That’s all. At the bar …
STEPH Oh. / Here?
GREG Not my idea.
STEPH That’s terrific …
GREG It’s whatever. (Beat.) Least I didn’t get all dressed up for it …
STEPH Well, that just makes you a slob, then, doesn’t it?
GREG And so what does that make you?
Without thinking, STEPH reaches over and slaps GREG across the face. He doesn’t react. She glances around, feeling a bit ashamed.
STEPH Fuck … I’m sorry.
GREG That’s all right. I’m sure they can wire it shut and I can still have the soup …
STEPH Seriously, are you OK?
GREG I’m fine.
STEPH Lemme see … (Tries to look.) Here …
GREG No.
STEPH Greg, let me …
GREG Stop it.
STEPH I didn’t mean to do it, I just …
GREG Stephanie, drop it! For once just shut up and fucking let it go … (Beat.) You can’t just turn it off and on, all right, however you’re feeling about a person. You can’t.
STEPH I’m not, I’m … / (Reaches out.) Please.
GREG NO. / Don’t. You can walk out on me for … for some perceived slight that I did you, some horrible judgment I made about your womanhood; you can swear at me and, and, hit me—whatever the hell suits you, you just go ahead and do, that’s always been the way with you—but you’re not gonna be able to make up with me anytime you want or look at my cheek right now or call me when this, this miserable shithead that you’re out with tonight hurts you, because he is gonna, he will, he’s a guy and so it’s a done deal … he will find a way to damage you and that’s a fact. But you know what? I will not be there for you. I won’t be. (Beat.) You will be on your own then and you’re gonna realize I wasn’t so bad …
STEPH I’ll … I’m going back to dinner now.
GREG You do that.
STEPH We’re almost done, so I’ll …
GREG No, don’t worry about it.
STEPH I’m not staying.
GREG Please don’t make a scene, OK? Just be a little mature here … if that’s not too …
STEPH Yeah, so what do you suggest, then, huh?
GREG Simple. I’m gonna wait here—hopefully a doctor will come along and be able to set my jaw—then I’m gonna nab my friends as they arrive and we’ll go to some other place.
STEPH Oh.
GREG So …
STEPH You’d do that?
GREG Of course. ’S just a bar, right? / They got Budweiser all over town, so …
STEPH Yeah, but … / … that’s …
GREG I don’t wanna run the risk of you hitting my date or anything. / Don’t even know her name yet …
STEPH Right. / (Smiles.) Thanks …
GREG No prob.
STEPH OK, so … then … (Thinking.) Wow, that’s really kind of unexpected from you, so thank you. I’m surprised, I guess. Yeah. I just think that’s really nice, so …
GREG Yeah. I’ll see you sometime … Oh, and remind the new guy to add 911 to his speed dial. Might save his life.
STEPH Ha-ha.
GREG Have fun.
STEPH Sure.
GREG No, honestly. Do. (Beat.) Bet he drives a … convertible, right? / Hmmm?
STEPH You suck. / Yes.
GREG It’s a gift. (Smiles.) Vanity plates?
STEPH Anyway …
GREG Ha! So long.
STEPH You, too. Enjoy yourself, I guess …
GREG I don’t know how anything can surpass the fun I’ve already had, but …
STEPH You’re such a dick … (Smiles.) Bye.
STEPH starts off—she is almost gone when GREG calls out to her.
GREG Steph? (Waits for her to turn.) You really do look great in your outfit there. With all that … whatever the hell it is.
STEPH I dunno. It’s called “asymmetrical.” / The way it’s cut like that, I mean. So …
GREG Cool … / Huh. That’s … yeah.
She smiles at him and disappears. GREG watches her go.
At work. CARLY sitting at a table, eating her lunch. Looking up at the clock. After a minute, GREG wanders in with his lunch and a book in one hand—he wears a pair of goggles up on his head tonight. He stops cold, looking at CARLY.
After a beat, he turns around to leave; she stops him by calling out his name.
CARLY Greg.
GREG Oh. (Spins around.) Hey.
CARLY Hi. (Beat.) What’cha reading tonight?
GREG Just some … Swift. / So, how’s it going?
CARLY Huh. / You know … tired, but that’s fine.
GREG Right.
CARLY Third’s pretty brutal. (Yawns.) God!
GREG Yeah.
CARLY Don’t know how you’ve done it for so many years …
GREG Well, you know, you just … keep chugging along or whatever. Becomes part of the routine. (Beat.) Or, as in my case, you leave yourself no other options in life …
CARLY Right!
GREG So, where’s Kent?
CARLY Home.
GREG Yeah? / He sick or what?
CARLY Uh-huh. / No …
GREG Haven’t seen him for, like, I dunno. All week, seems like.
CARLY Mmmmm.
GREG Our last game, I guess. He’s all right?
CARLY S’ppose so.
GREG ’Kay.
CARLY Kent’s trying to … I mean, he has. He’s moved now over to days.
GREG What?
CARLY Since Thursday. / Yep.
GREG Really? / He didn’t tell me …
CARLY No? Thought you guys were best buds …
GREG Me, too. Oh, well …
CARLY They had an opening up on the board.
GREG Right, yeah, I saw that. (Beat.) Thought about it myself but, you know …
CARLY Mmm-hmm, and he applied and got it. It’s not as much money, what with the evening differential and all that, but he figures you get more overtime that way, being at a cheaper rate or whatnot.
GREG Huh.
CARLY Yep.
GREG OK, cool. (Yawns.) Well, I’m gonna head back down there, probably. See ya.
CARLY You can sit if you want to …
GREG Nah, that’s all right. We’re busy and I’m really just on a … frozen foods wait for no man, so … (Pulls on goggles.) See ya.
CARLY I’d like to talk to you, if that’s OK.
GREG Ummm, sure. (Points.) Officially, or … ?
CARLY No … (Smiles.) You can eat, too, if you wanna. I don’t want you just staring at me, gonna make me all self-conscious.
GREG Sorry. (Lifts up goggles.) Here.
CARLY No, it’s fine, I’m just—I know what it’s like, being on lunch. / Time’s precious.
GREG True. / (Opens his bag.) I’ve been buying my food lately, which stinks. 7-Eleven. Taquitos only get you so far in life …
CARLY Right!
GREG But I’m terrible about making it myself, so it’s better than nothing, I suppose …
CARLY Steph used to do it, huh?
GREG Always did.
CARLY You see her or anything?
GREG Once or twice.
CARLY Nice. (Beat.) How’d that go?
GREG Pretty well: first time she stood up in public and told me how hideous I was—as a physical specimen, I mean—but the next time was better. She just hit me.
CARLY studies him, not sure if this is true or not. Enough time elapses that it must be and she bursts out laughing.
CARLY Oh shit …
GREG Yeah, glad you could enjoy that. Really makes the pain worth it …
CARLY I’m sorry …
GREG No, please, go on, the humiliation is nothing compared to the joy it brings you …
CARLY Shut up! (Smiles.) You’re funny …
GREG Yeah, that’s me. Drew Carey, Junior.
CARLY Who’s that?
GREG You know …
CARLY Uh-uh.
GREG That heavy dude on TV. With the show.
CARLY King of Queens?
GREG No, the other fat one. With the glasses. Just took over The Price Is Right?
CARLY Oh, yeah, sure … and he used to have the one with the guys who go in front of an audience and make shit up.
GREG Right. Improv. (Smirks.) That’s what they call it. Anyway, him. / Doesn’t matter …
CARLY Oh. / You are, though. I’ve always thought you had a good sense of humor …
GREG Thanks. / Huh.
CARLY Yep, you’re funny. / You are …
GREG Carly, why does this feel like a setup of some kind here? Hmmm?
CARLY It’s not …
GREG Seriously, you haven’t, you know, spoken three words in kindness to me since Steph went away and that’s all right, I get that, but you’re really throwing me off tonight and I just wanna know where we stand. OK? No offense, but …
CARLY waits for a moment, studying him. GREG struggles to make eye contact and just manages it.
CARLY I need to ask you something.
GREG See? I really am, like, psychic.
CARLY It’s nothing.
GREG Yeah?
CARLY No big deal …
GREG Those are sorta famous last words … you know? Followed by, “So, did you kill the guy over in aisle thirteen or not?”
CARLY Come on, don’t always bust my chops about security! It’s a job. (Smiles.) I’m trying to talk to you here … please?
GREG OK, OK, sorry. Go for it.
CARLY It’s about Kent.
GREG I figured …
CARLY Yeah, and I just want you to tell me the truth here, that’s all. I know we’ve had our differences before—this Steph deal’s been hard on all of us—but I’m asking if you’ll just be honest with me.
GREG Fair enough. Yes.
CARLY ’Cause, see … Look, I’m pregnant. Now.
GREG I swear it’s not mine …
CARLY Ass! / (Slaps him, laughing.) Come on.
GREG Sorry. / Really?
CARLY I am … almost three months in and we’re, you know, very excited and all that. / We are.
GREG That’s … / Great.
CARLY Yeah, and I’m happy and sick and … like, so many different things, all within a twenty-four-hour period every day.
GREG I’ll bet.
CARLY But what I’m not right now, what I don’t seem to be able to get to … is someplace that makes me feel, you know, OK. Safe.
GREG And why’s that?
CARLY Ummm … why do you think?
GREG I’m guessing Kent … but only because of the way you’re saying that to me. That’s all.
CARLY Really?
GREG Yes … I’m … why? / What’s bothering you?
CARLY I dunno. / Little things. A change in his routine, this day schedule, and how he’s out of the house a lot when I call him—he says he’s sleeping but I’ve asked the neighbors and they say that his car’ll be gone sometimes—just stuff.
GREG It’s … Carly, it’s probably nothing.
CARLY You know what? “Probably” is so far from being my friend right now …
GREG I’m sure it’s not. / Promise.
CARLY Yeah? / All right.
GREG I mean … no, I’m not here on Earth to be a, you know, to vouch for Kent but yeah, I’d put good money on it …
CARLY OK.
GREG Seriously. / I really would.
CARLY Then fine. / Good.
GREG I so don’t believe you for a second.
CARLY Well, then I’m no Drew Carey or whatever his name is …
GREG That’s it. (Smiles.) No, you’re not. Which is pretty good news for the rest of us.
CARLY Thanks.
GREG You’re much more attractive—and girlish.
CARLY ’Kay. You probably hate my face, though, right? Isn’t that your thing?
GREG Very funny! Fuck …
He elbows her good-naturedly. CARLY pushes him back. They settle down after another shove or two. Inches apart.
CARLY I just want you to look at me, OK? It’s stupid and all that shit, I know, but I figure if you can look me in the eye and lie then at least I did everything I can do, so you’ll be the one who gets to go to hell …
GREG Thanks …
CARLY Hey, I’m carrying the baby, you get to carry the guilt …
GREG Super.
CARLY So?
GREG What?
CARLY You truthfully and with full disclosure do not know anything that’s going on with my husband? Any woman that he’s seeing or any way he’s feeling that might suggest he’s getting weird on me … nothing?
GREG Carly …
CARLY Answer.
GREG This is not fair … Seriously, I’m not one to point fingers or whatever, but this is really not right of you to do to me. It’s a no-win, as they like to say … a no-way-I-can-come-out-of-this-well situation.
CARLY Why’s that? I mean, if you’re so sure you know him …
GREG Because … he’s his own person.
CARLY I know that, I know, but you’ve known him for, like … ever. So …
GREG I’m his friend, I work with the guy, but that doesn’t mean I know what’s going on up in his head … what he’s doing when he has a day off or runs down to the store to get you some—I don’t know what you’re hungry for when you’re pregnant, what’re you craving these days?
CARLY I’m just over the sick part, but, like, candy mostly. Yeah. Sweets.
GREG So OK, so I’m sure he’s doing what he is supposed to be doing and thinking a bunch of lovely thoughts about his
wife and the mother of his kid as he picks you up that Ben & Jerry’s … I’m sure that’s the case.
CARLY I’m not saying he’s not …
GREG Good, because I’m almost one hundred and ten percent sure that’s the story … but I am not his priest, I don’t see into the heart of Kent like an old-time prophet …
CARLY You’re a really good bullshitter, do you know that?
GREG Yeah, totally.
CARLY Fine.
GREG I’m just saying. You can’t ask me that … and not because I know anything, because I … I’m ignorant here. Really. I do not know anything about anybody and that’s how I ended up working evenings in some factory without a girlfriend waiting for me at home or any prospects in life. / (Smiles.) You’re talking to the wrong guy …
CARLY I see. / (Beat.) Just so you know, I mean, for the record there … you didn’t really say anything to me. Of value.
GREG I know, but it sounded good, right? Like I turned out to be some sorta really wise ol’ dude all of a sudden …
CARLY Pretty much.
GREG Thanks.
CARLY And if I find something out … I mean, if I was to find a, you know, different type of hair on his passenger headrest or, or, like, a photo or something—this receipt from a restaurant he’d been to, with you supposedly,
but the price would suggest that another couple people might’ve been there—what should I do about that?
GREG Listen …
CARLY No, I mean it. If you were pregnant—just go with me for a second here—imagine it and think it through with me … what’d be your course of action in a moment such as that? Of truth.
GREG If that were to happen … if you had come upon something like that, either by you looking for it or by accident, I’d ask me outright for the truth and I’d expect to then hear it. / That’s what I’d do—if you were to really, you know, decide to make this the most excruciating lunch period that I’ve lived through. Ever. Then yes.
CARLY OK. / (Laughs.) All right then …
GREG You good?
CARLY Yeah …
GREG pats her on the shoulder and stands up, grabbing up his garbage with him. Heads to the can.
GREG And I’m really happy for you guys with the news, about the baby. / I am.
CARLY Thanks. / We’re hoping for a shortstop … once we get the sonogram, I mean.
GREG Great! Steph’ll be … really …
CARLY She knows. / I already told her.
GREG ’Course. / Right. (Beat.) Well, see ya …
GREG nods and starts for the doors—CARLY stops him cold.
CARLY So I’m asking you then.
GREG What?
CARLY That question. The one that you’d ask if you were pregnant and wondering about all this … stuff …
GREG Carly … (Beat.) I’ve seen Kent, like, two times in the last month. If that. So, I’m not sure I’m the guy to … but yeah, we’ve been out to dinner once in that time. / We decided to splurge and … eat over at that Italian joint out by the lake—how come I dunno, just because we’re guys and we’ve got no sense of control on a payday … who knows?
CARLY OK. / Visconti’s?
GREG That’s the one. My idea. / (Laughs.) Turns out … guess what? I ran into Steph out there, with some guy. Yeah. Unbelievable.
CARLY Huh. / Wow.
GREG So, anyway, that’s …
CARLY This was from Longhorn’s, the rib place. Over on Twenty-two.
GREG No, I know that, I know, I’m just saying that’s where we started out, the Italian. So I see Stephanie and we talked—that’s the time she whacked me one—and so
when they get there we decide to not deal with all that business and just go get a rack of ribs over there. At, you know. Yeah. We did that. That’s what we decided to … you know. End up doing. Us. / All of us.
CARLY OK. / I see. Except for, like, the main part—the “us” part. The “us” of it all. How many other “us”’s were there? Hmmm?
GREG Oh, right, right! Sorry … this is making me a little, sorry. Friends of ours, from day shift. We all met up—don’t see them very often—and we had dinner. / Simple.
CARLY OK. / Girls or guys?
GREG Guys—after the ball game. It’s the same date as a game day, you can check it on a calendar. (Beat.) It’s the truth …
CARLY Uh-huh. Same truth that Kent’d tell me if I called him up right now? Here, in front of you?
GREG Yes. (Beat.) Absolutely. Two guys.
CARLY Then all right. I’m … it’s OK then.
CARLY cries suddenly, a burst of tears, followed quickly by laughter. Then more tears. Stops. Wipes her eyes.
CARLY Shit, I don’t know if I can take another six months of this, you know?
GREG Me either! (Grins.) You run a pretty tight little investigation there, Mrs. Columbo.
CARLY Thanks. / (Smiles.) Sorry for the … sorry!
GREG ’S OK. / Not a problem. Honestly.
She gathers her stuff and walks to the garbage—tosses it out. Starts to walk past GREG and then, suddenly, pivots around and grabs him, hugging him tightly. He returns it.
CARLY I don’t know why God had to make it so, like … exhausting to trust you guys. But he did. And it sucks …
She exits. After a moment, GREG sits down and pulls out his cell phone. He stares at it. Exhales sharply. Makes a call.
A moment with CARLY.
CARLY I’m very attractive. I am. I’ve always been that way but it’s no great big deal to me—if anything, it’s worked against me for most of my life. (Beat.) Example: have you ever tried to walk through some store, a supermarket, you’re in a hurry and you’re moving along—picking up some milk or an item or two like that—while some loser guy is following you the whole time around the place? Seriously, with a cart and maybe even a kid in it but he keeps showing up in the same sections you’re in, or you can see him way down the other end, just coincidentally passing through the spots that you’re at. For, like, a half dozen aisles in a row. (Beat.) And that’s not all because he finds a way to get in the same checkout as you and to do the small talk and even tries to help you out to the car, whatever he can do. It’s weird and gross and upsetting, it’s enough to make you throw up sometimes—I’ve done that before, pulled over and vomited by the roadside—all ’cause some man made me so nervous. I’ve been followed, too. Yeah. Not just out to my car but all the way home … slowly going along behind me to see where I live. Or work. Or through the mall, from store to store, by people. This happens so much, I mean, not like every day, but enough that I couldn’t even give you a number. In my lifetime. And for what? Because I’m great or smart or have this, this wonderful and witty way about
me? No. How could anybody know that from chasing me around Safeway? The answer is—they couldn’t. Nothing to do with me, that’s what the truth of it is. It’s about this … (Points.) My face. I was born with it, people. That’s all. I don’t do anything to it, I rarely put on makeup, I haven’t had any work done to it—surgery, I mean, like some women do, in bigger cities—I have been given this thing to wear around, my features, and I’m stuck with it. And yes, over the years it’s gotten me things, I won’t lie about that, dates and into clubs that I really wanted to get into or smiles from my father … but as I got older it suddenly became a kind of, I dunno what, but almost like a problem. A real bother that I don’t have any control over. (Beat.) Listen, I’m not stupid, I know I should be thankful, that I should pray to heaven and be happy that I’m not scarred or missing an ear—I know girls who hate, I mean, despise their noses and mouths or the fact that their eyes are too far out on their faces … I don’t have any of those problems and I’m happy about that. I look in the mirror and I see some beautiful woman looking back at me; my worst day, a line or two, a little pale or whatnot, but a really good face in there. Smiling. I’m not saying that I don’t understand how I got lucky in many ways, I do get that, I do, I just want folks to comprehend that beauty comes with a price, just like ugly does. A different one, of course, and I’ll take what I’ve got, but I’ve cried myself to sleep at night because of who I am as well, and you should know that … (Beat.) I hope my
baby’s OK, I really do. I mean, with all her things and organs in place—did I mention that we found out it was a little girl? Well, we did—and you look on that monitor machine they use and all you see is this big head there, with no real features or anything and you know you’re having a kid but she’s still a mystery. What it’ll be like, and the name and the birth date and who she might look like. All that. But I really hope she’s no more than pretty, that’s my wish. That she’s not some beauty queen that people can’t stop staring at because I’d hate that for her … to be this object, some thing that people can’t help gawking at. ’Cause if she is—born like I was, is what I’m saying—if she ends up with a face that is some sorta magnet for men, the way I’ve been … I’d almost rather it was a situation where she was oblivious to it—not blind or anything, I wouldn’t wish that on her, but close. Some sort of oblivion that gets pasted over her eyes so she can go about life and not be aware that people are cruel in many ways … not just with their words but with the ways they look at you and desire you and, and, and … almost hate you because of it. To want you and know they can’t have you and so … hate or wish to hurt you. And just because of how a bunch of … things inside of you collided. Atoms or cells or whatnot. Genes. (Smiles.) I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to get all heavy or anything, but I do think about it sometimes. My shift at work’s kinda long, you know? It is … so I’ve usually got some time on my hands to, you know … whatever. Think, I guess.
At the ball field. KENT is dressed in baseball pants and socks. Team shirt that is work-related. He’s stretching—has his shoes off.
After a moment, GREG enters. Same kind of gear but not so serious. Plops down near KENT—attempts a few warm-ups.
GREG Hey, man. Why’re you warming up way over here?
KENT Helps me focus. (Beat.) What’s up?
GREG Didn’t know if you were gonna make it today, with the new schedule and all.
KENT Nah, I’m still free on Saturdays—you keep your seniority even if you move.
GREG Ahhh. That’s cool. (Beat.) Never told me, so … last to know and all that.
KENT Sorry. No big deal—not like we’re in a relationship or something … (Smiles.) Can’t miss this, dude, it’s a play-off game! Want that trophy.
GREG Well, good, then, ’least we’ll have the infield covered …
KENT You know it—but Rich is pitching so that fucks up the whole thing. Wish he’d let someone else have a shot at the mound …
GREG Me, too. I’d even try it; not that I’m a pitcher, mind you, but hey … don’t think it could hurt.
KENT Exactly! Guy’s arm is total crap. (Grins.) Seriously—stuffed with, like, dog shit.
They laugh together at this—they keep working out.
GREG So … what’s new? / You happy?
KENT Nada. / Big question there, buddy …
GREG Yeah, but, you know, I mean …
KENT Like with what?
GREG I dunno. About the baby and all that.
KENT Sure, that’s cool, I guess.
GREG Good.
KENT Carly’s getting kinda tubby but it’s sort of cute, too. Never seen her with an ass like that before …
GREG Huh.
KENT I’ll put up with it, though. For now.
GREG Right.
KENT Long as she hits the gym, like, day after she delivers, we’re all fine …
GREG That’s nice.
KENT Hey, she says it louder than me … Carly knows that’s all she’s got going so she’s gonna take care of it. Her looks. (Beat.) Dude, beautiful women are like athletes: couple good years and then the knees go.
GREG Whatever. (Beat.) You pick out a name yet?
KENT Nope, too early—use my mom’s, probably. We had that test—it’s a fucking girl.
GREG All right … anyway, it’s good to see you, man. Miss you on nights.
KENT Wish I could say the same, man. It is so sweet
being off by three and sleeping like a white man, shit! You know?
GREG ’Course.
KENT Awesome … plus, feel like I’ve got more time to myself. / Evenings free.
GREG Uh-huh. / I wouldn’t know …
KENT That’s because you suck. You just keep working for “da man” like a fucking coolie.
GREG Ha! (Laughs.) I’m just used to it.
KENT That’s true. (Grins.) You’ve sucked for years …
GREG throws his cap at KENT, who ducks and smiles. Silence.
KENT Hey, by the way … thanks for, you know, whenever that was. Very cool.
GREG What’s that?
KENT Covering for me. About Crystal.
GREG Oh, right, yeah …
KENT ’Preciate it. (Grins.) Quite an elaborate tale you came up with there. Pretty good!
GREG Uh-huh.
KENT You’ve afforded me some very, well, just amazing times—thanks to you doing that for me … (Beat.) Carly heads to work now and over comes Crystal. Bam! / Or me there.
GREG Huh. / I’m sure.
KENT Doing shit that’d make your head spin, I bet … Never seen a girl like this one!
GREG Wow.
KENT Something else. Nasty, really, but in a fun way, too, you know? / Sexy-dirty.
GREG Sure. / That’s great …
KENT It’s different, anyhow. Inventive.
KENT smiles, starts pulling on his cleats. GREG yawns.
GREG Look, about that … you’re …
KENT Yeah?
GREG I don’t think I can, I mean, don’t ask me to help out with that anymore, OK?
KENT What?
GREG Your secrets there, whatever you’re doing with that girl.
KENT Crystal.
GREG Yes, her.
KENT She’s got a name, Greg … even if she does like taking Polaroids of my cock.
GREG That’s … I really never needed to know a fact like that, Kent.
KENT Yeah, but now you do … and I take ’em of her, too. / Loads of ’em.
GREG Super. / Hmmm. Didn’t even know she had a cock. Learn a little something every day.
KENT Ha! ’S not really that funny, dude …
GREG Well … anyhow, don’t ask me to do that again, all right? ’Cause I’m … I can’t. I just …
KENT You mean you won’t.
GREG No, I’m saying … yeah, maybe. Won’t.
KENT Right, ’cause of course you can—you can do most anything you want, so it stands to reason that you could if you wanted to. If you had to help your friend, or, like, felt inclined to, then you could without any problems … so you won’t do it, that’s what you’re really saying. / You will not.
GREG O-kay. / Yes.
KENT I see …
GREG I just, you know … I felt like shit when I did that to Carly. Even though we don’t always get along—and then she whacks me with the baby thing!—it was crappy, it was, and I don’t wanna be that guy to her anymore, all right? / I’m—this isn’t being judgmental or saying anything about your lifestyle or whatnot, I’m just saying it needs to quit for me. Being that guy.
KENT Hey, fine. / I get it.
GREG Then good.
KENT Whatever you gotta do. / Or not.
GREG Right. / Yeah.
KENT Yep. (Beat.) I mean, you’re in it now, but you don’t have to do any more if it bugs you so much …
GREG What does that mean? “In it”?
KENT Nothing.
GREG No, seriously, what?
KENT Just that, you know … you helped make it happen, the first place. / When I brought it up … yes …
GREG No, I didn’t. / No …
KENT Yeah, you said “go for it” when we were talking in the break room. / I remember it specifically, and so that’s what I did …
GREG But … no, that was … / That was before …
KENT And you went out to dinner with us, lied to my wife about it, practically took the pictures for us—but if you suddenly got a case of the conscience, then fine.
GREG Look, you do what you want—your life’s a different thing than mine and if you can do that, realistically live with yourself after you act that way, then it’s OK …
KENT Hey, man, thanks, I really appreciate you giving me your permission here …
GREG I’m just saying … it’s …
KENT And I’m saying this: Don’t be such a lump of shit, OK? / Not some high-minded guy who sits in judgment on his friends …
GREG Look … / I’m not.
KENT That’s exactly what you’re doing!
GREG No, Kent, I’m not, I’m saying that I just can’t be a party to lying right now, to a bunch of secrets or that sorta deal where I’m, I’m, I’m put in that position …
KENT Whatever, man.
KENT pulls out a roll of tape and roughly tears some off; begins to wrap it around his wrists.
GREG It’s pretty easy—we don’t see each other that much right now, I have no idea what you’re doing out there at night or, you know, two hours from now, so … you keep it to yourself and we’re not gonna have any problems. / Agreed?
KENT Fine. / Sure. God—know what you are?
GREG No, what?
KENT What you sound exactly like when you’re talking like that?
GREG I don’t, no.
KENT A fucking pussy. That’s what.
GREG Great …
KENT You do, though, exactly like the kind of frightened pussy that I used to beat the shit outta back in school. / Come here …
GREG I remember—’s half the reason I became your friend; so you didn’t do it to me. / Oh, good, that’ll really be perfect for team spirit, if you and I get in a fight now.
KENT We won’t, don’t worry.
GREG Good …
KENT ’Cause you’d never do it, not even in a million years.
GREG’S that right?
KENT Yeah, it is. ’S completely true.
GREG And why’s that?
KENT Because you’re as egotistical as the next guy and you wouldn’t want me kicking your ass in front of all these people that you know …
GREG Oh, really?
KENT Pretty much. (Beat.) Guys like you always talk big but that’s about it …
A Mexican standoff—KENT standing still as GREG slowly sizes him up. Finally, GREG goes and retrieves his hat.
GREG No, I’m not gonna do that …
KENT Good for you. Smart.
GREG Get into that kinda thing with you, and not because I’m scared.
KENT I’ll bet.
GREG I’m not. (Beat.) I’m walking away from it because you’re my friend and this’ll blow over and we’ll laugh about it sometime, I’m sure we will …
KENT Whatever you think, dude.
GREG Well, that’s what I’m choosing to do, to forget it and head over to right field. Let it go … / (to himself) I mean, you cheat on her, you’re jealous—it’s so fucking bizarre! I’m …
KENT Su-per. / … don’t worry about it …
GREG Fine. Just remember what I said …
KENT Same goes for you. Pussy.
GREG Hey, Kent, knock it off, all right? I’ve had about enough of your shit—a decade or so’s right about my limit …
KENT What’re you gonna do about it? Go tell Carly?
GREG Maybe I will …
KENT Bullshit, you don’t even have the balls for that. / No way.
GREG No? / You sure?
KENT I know you don’t. And why? Because you’d hate not being liked, that’s why. (Beat.) Fact that she’d hold you responsible for part of this—and she would—you couldn’t deal with that, and when she tells Steph about it? Shit, you’d cry like the little fucking douchebag that you are …
GREG Dude, what is the matter with you here?
KENT I guess I’m cleaning house. Realize that I don’t really need you in my life …
GREG Know what, that’s fucking fine with me …
KENT Good. / That’s very good. / Prick.
GREG Yeah, it is. / Whatever. / Oh, God …
GREG is trying to think fast—KENT flexes and stands tall.
GREG Fuck! (Beat.) I mean, Jesus Christ … why does guy shit always gotta end up like this? With somebody throwing punches …
KENT Suck. My. Dick.
GREG You know what, you’re an idiot …
KENT I’d watch my mouth, dipshit, or you’re gonna find my fist in it …
GREG See?! What’re you, eight years old?!
KENT Shut up …
GREG I do not get this, I really don’t …
KENT Get lost. Get outta my sight, shithead.
GREG You know what this is? You’re not mad at me … you’re angry at yourself. / You’re …
KENT What kinda two-dollar philosophy is that, huh? / Why the hell would I be mad at me?!
GREG Because of what you’re doing. / You’re …
KENT I like what I’m doing! / FUCK YOU!!
KENT grabs GREG and drops him to the ground. Lands on top of him. GREG catches a finger to the eye as he fights.
GREG Get off me … bastard … awww! Oww!
KENT Then shut up … / Stop …
GREG No, I’m not gonna … / You stop …
KENT Shut up, shut up, SHUT THE FUCK UP!
KENT draws back to punch GREG in the face—GREG struggles to cover himself up. After a moment, KENT pushes off him and stands up. Dusts himself clean.
KENT … could care less what you fucking think about it! Dick …
GREG Fine. God, you’re … shit. / Fine.
KENT Yeah. / “Fine.”
GREG Just … always knew you were a fucking hothead, but … holy shit … (Beat.) Like some goddamn bully, I can’t even believe it … supposed to be a grown man and you’re up in my face like a fifth grader. Jesus!
KENT Oh, and as long as we’re getting it all out here, our feelings and all that … might as well let you in on something.
GREG What’s that?
KENT You sure? / Huh? (Moves closer.) You sure?
GREG Dude, just—whatever. / (Stands up to him.) You better back the hell up, man …
KENT Your ex is an ugly piece a shit. / Real fucking Alpo eater that I never understood your interest in …
GREG Shut your mouth … / Kent! STOP!
KENT Not that it’s my business or whatever … I’m just telling you what I always felt about ’er. (Beat.) Plain as a barn door and everybody says that, not just me. / Goddamn laughingstock at work … I mean, shit, man, your taste in women is, like, completely up your ass! It’s …
GREG You’re … / You are a … motherfucker …
KENT It’s a fact—only reason anybody’d be with her is ’cause she gives good head. People been saying that forever … (He picks up his mitt and turns.) Fuck it. I gotta go shag some grounders …
KENT stops cold when GREG’s mitt hits him in the back.
KENT Please don’t make me humiliate you twice in one day, buddy …
GREG Fuck. You. (Beat.) Talk about someone that I care about like that then I say “Fuck you, Kent.” Ya hear me? Huh?! Shithead.
GREG pulls off his team shirt and throws it on the ground.
KENT Hey, man, what’re you doing? We’ve only got nine guys … / Wait, hold up …
GREG This team is bullshit. / I’m outta here.
KENT You can’t do that! You signed up—guys’re gonna be pissed! Come on, it’s a play-off! We can’t do it without a full squad … / Dude, no, you can’t fucking … I can’t get somebody else over here now; they gotta be registered over at the Y!
GREG Too bad … / Then you’re fucked. Sorry.
KENT Greg … listen, you prick! Don’t!
GREG You explain it to ’em. / Go ahead, go on.
KENT How the fuck am I gonna do that? / How?!
GREG Show ’em a Polaroid of your dick.
GREG picks up his athletic bag and leaves. KENT explodes forward and confronts him—blocks his exit.
KENT You’re not going anywhere, dude, except on the field! I’m done messing with you!
GREG Kent, get out of my way …
KENT Fuck you! / Get that jersey back on!
GREG I mean it, man … / I’m not kidding.
KENT DO IT! NOW! (Pushes him.) I’m serious. Take a fuckload more than the likes of you to ruin my chances at that trophy …
GREG All right, fine … we’ll do this here for everybody to see, I don’t care, but we need to be totally clear about what’s gonna happen … OK? / O-KAY?
KENT Whatever, bitch. / Go on …
GREG calmly steps up against his friend and smiles, with a kind of stillness falling over him. KENT steps back.
GREG I’m gonna do this—you and me—but it’s not just because of what you said about Steph or, like, in response to us or even your wife. Not only that. This is gonna happen because you need it. For who you are and what you’ve done and, and … just all the shit you will no doubt perpetrate over the rest of your life on unsuspecting people—today and in the … upcoming future. OK? / THAT is why.
KENT What the fuck? / Eat shit, asswipe.
GREG I’m doing this, what you’ve pushed me to, because you
deserve it. Badly. You have earned this, buddy, so … here ya go.
Before KENT can react, GREG unleashes a flurry of punches that drop KENT in his tracks. He goes down hard. Frankly, KENT proceeds to get his ass kicked. Rather soundly.
After a moment, GREG gets up and gathers his stuff. Walks off. KENT staggers to his feet a bit later. Calling out.
KENT Dude, come on—COME ON! Fuck! You are such a fucking … fuck! You dick! That is so … shit, shit, shit, shit! FUCK! Try that again, I dare ya! You hear me, “DARE YOU”! Fucking sneak attack …
KENT proceeds to kick the shit out of GREG’s jersey—like a toddler unleashing his fury on a stuffed animal.
KENT EEEEEAAAAAWWWWWWWW! You fucking … suck, man! You totally do. Suck cock. Big time.
Spent now, KENT stops his rant and kicks at the dirt with his cleats. Huffs and puffs. Stamps his foot—in case you didn’t notice, it’s a full-blown tantrum.
Looks over and notices a group of folks (unseen) watching.
KENT The fuck are you guys looking at?! Huh?! Mind your own goddamn business … Shit!
KENT checks to make sure the others are gone. Paces. He kicks GREG’s uniform once more for emphasis.
KENT Stupid … GOD! (Spits.) Fucking child.
He remains where he is, unsure of what to do next.
At work. CARLY sitting at a table, eating by herself. Just getting ready to finish. She stands up—she’s showing more now.
GREG enters with an apple and a book. A Band-Aid over one eye. He smiles at CARLY; she gives him a little hug and moves toward the door.
CARLY Hi there.
GREG Morning. / Even though it’s night out.
CARLY Yep. / (Smiles.) Right … or “siesta.”
GREG “Raspberry”! (Grins.) You feeling OK?
CARLY Pretty much: Puffy. Bloated. The size of a milk cow, I guess, but OK.
GREG Ha! (Makes a sound.) Mooooooo!
CARLY Exactly … (Beat.) Happened to your eye?
GREG Ummm, I bumped it on the conveyor. / Yeah. No need for an investigation, chief.
CARLY Oh. / Ha! OK, well … enjoy your break.
GREG Will do. (Yawns.) ’Nother two hours, huh? We can make that …
CARLY nods and heads for the door—GREG calls out to her.
GREG Hey, Carly?
CARLY Yeah?
GREG You’re the most beautiful cow out there. / Don’t forget that, OK? And I’m including your face …
CARLY Thanks. / (Smiles.) I’m sure there must be a compliment wedged in there somewhere …
GREG There is. Trust me.
CARLY I do. (Grins.) Must be the uniform, huh? You guys always go for a woman in blue …
GREG Yeah. (Waits.) Hey, you got any sick time or anything built up?
CARLY Yep. / Have to, what with the baby coming and everything … Did Kent tell you we’re gonna call her Jennifer?
GREG Cool. / No, that’s … (Beat.) Know what you should do? Seriously?
CARLY What’s that?
GREG Take off—just tell your supervisor that you’re feeling sick and go home. Jump in bed with Kent and surprise him.
CARLY You think?
GREG Absolutely. / I bet he’d love that.
CARLY Huh. / Maybe I will … one of these days.
GREG I mean tonight, even. Be good for him.
CARLY ’Kay. I’ll think about it …
GREG No, tonight. / I’d really do it now if I were you … right now. You should go.
CARLY Oh. / (Studies him.) OK. I’ll … Yeah.
One last look at GREG and she is gone. GREG gets a drink, sits down at a table. Cracks open his book and reads.
After a moment, STEPH wanders in through the door. She’s all fancied up but wearing a coat over her clothes. A “Visitor” badge.
STEPH Hey you.
GREG Steph? / (surprised ) Hi.
STEPH Hello. / (Points at his head.) You OK?
GREG Uh-huh. (Beat.) Did you … you just missed Carly. / Uh-huh, she was … I mean …
STEPH Really? / That wasn’t … was that her? Just a second ago?
GREG Yep.
STEPH Wow. Holy shit … (gesturing) Her ass is, like … Damn! / Good! That girl deserves a big ass for once …
They have a good laugh that builds for a moment.
GREG Yeah. / So, this is … Huh. What’s up?
STEPH Nothing, I just … Who you reading now?
GREG Oh, just, ummm, Washington Irving. / Uh-huh. (Beat.) You want anything? I can …
STEPH Ahhh, “Rip Van Winkle.” That’s a good one. Sad, though … / No, that’s fine.
GREG All right. (Beat.) Sorry you missed Carly …
STEPH That’s OK. We’re staying in touch, so no biggie. Online and stuff. / IM-ing.
GREG Cool. / Great.
STEPH Anyway, I came to see you.
GREG looks STEPH up and down—she can’t meet his eyes.
STEPH Don’t. Please. / Stare.
GREG Why not? / You’re all dressed up nice …
STEPH I dunno, I’m just …
GREG And I like looking at you.
STEPH Yeah?
GREG Always did.
STEPH Not enough, though, right?
GREG No, that was not … No, Steph. You got that into your head, was told a stupid thing but no … you have a great face. Lots of … character and, and, you know … (Beat.) Fuck. I never say the right thing!
STEPH No, but thanks. (Beat.) Look, I’m … I …
She searches around for the right word—GREG takes her by the hand. Gently.
GREG It’s the ring, right? Why you’re here?
STEPH You saw that?
GREG Yeah. Just now.
STEPH Oh.
GREG Hey … told you before, I’m psychic.
STEPH Right. / (Smiles.) You did.
GREG Yep. / Sooo … lemme guess … the “miserable shithead” turned out to be OK.
STEPH You got it.
GREG How OK?
STEPH Really pretty damn OK, actually.
GREG Then great. I’m happy for you. (Beat.) You should expect goldfish as a wedding gift.
STEPH Ha! (Laughs.) Excellent …
GREG And tell the lucky bastard to always make himself understood—no misunderstandings over … well, you know. / Work it out.
STEPH I’ll tell him. / Tim’s his name. Tim.
GREG Good a name as any, I guess. Except for Nigel, I’ve always liked that one …
STEPH Yeah! (Smiles.) He works with computers …
GREG Nice. Can he get me wireless?
STEPH slugs GREG a good one on the arm, just for old time’s sake. He smiles.
GREG That’s the Stephanie I remember!
STEPH Idiot …
GREG That’s me.
STEPH The psychic idiot.
GREG Yeah, but once I go back to school and get my degree you’re gonna have to call me Mr. Idiot, so … be prepared. Respect is just around the corner …
STEPH You serious? About school?
GREG Thinking about it … Can’t pack boxes all my life. / Much as I adore it …
STEPH No? / Guess not.
A loud buzzer goes off. GREG smiles and points overhead. STEPH nods and inches closer to him.
GREG Well, I could, but eventually I’d have to buy a rifle and come through here killing everybody and that just seems excessive.
STEPH Right! Like the post office …
GREG Yep. Or McDonald’s.
They grow silent and just look at each other for a bit. GREG reaches over and touches the ring.
STEPH We haven’t set a date yet.
GREG ’Kay. Lemme know ’cause I wanna make sure I rent the ugliest tux possible so as to fully embarrass you …
STEPH Perfect! (Grins.) Oh, guess what? I’m a manager now. / And you? How’s everything?
GREG Yeah? Awesome. / Ohhh, you know …
STEPH No, I don’t. Not really. You were never very good about talking to me—keeping me up-to-date on your life or anything.
GREG True …
STEPH It’s not a cut, it’s not … just telling you a fact is all. / Kinda secretive.
GREG I know. I did, like … well, a lot of shit wrong, Steph. / Yeah, I’m aware of that.
STEPH Too late, though, right? To fix it?
GREG Prob’ly. You know, “old dog, new tricks.”
STEPH Sure. (Beat.) So? What else?
GREG Ummm … so, yes, I’m thinking about the college thing and I might transfer over to the Edgwater plant in a few months. We’ll see. (Beat.) I’m no longer playing on the softball team …
STEPH Really?
GREG Yep, that’s over … and, oh, here’s a good one—I think I ruined Carly’s life. Just before you got here …
STEPH Is that right?
GREG Maybe. / I didn’t mean to, but …
STEPH Oh. / Nah, I bet you didn’t.
GREG You don’t know …
STEPH If it’s what I think it is, then no. It’s been a long time coming and she’ll be two thousand times better off because of it. Lots better off, honestly …
GREG You think so?
STEPH I would be. (Thinks.) Yes. She’ll be fine, she’s a strong person.
GREG Yeah, I’ve come to realize that.
STEPH Totally.
She nods at this, letting her thoughts float through the air for a moment. GREG watches her.
GREG You really do look good …
STEPH Thanks. I mean, I know I’m just “regular” and everything, but I can clean up once in a while—can briefly submerge my ugly side and come up with a little bit of a winner. / So listen, this is hard for me, to come here and … to see you.
GREG Steph, that’s … / I understand.
STEPH But I felt I had to, you know? He put the ring on my finger and it was, like, this amazing moment and I’m crying and so, so happy and all that, but the whole time—all while we’re talking about our lives and how we want a house and kids—you’re in my head. / Yeah. I’m seeing you.
GREG Oh. / Wow. That’s … I mean …
STEPH I imagine those same things, all these things that Tim is saying to me but I’m picturing them with you because that’s how it was in my mind for so long. / This complete life plan that I always felt we were gonna experience together …
GREG Stephanie, I’m … / Listen …
STEPH Just let me finish. (softer) Please …
GREG Sure. Go on.
STEPH And so there I am and I get dropped off at my place this morning—he took me over to where the river is, down by that part of the park where the falls are—and I’m staring at this thing in the dark. (Holds up her ring.) Just over and over, moving it this way and that, catching the light, and wondering what kind of stone Greg’d pick out, what you would’ve bought me … or wanted for us. Is that sick?
GREG No, not at all. (Smiles.) Tim might disagree …
STEPH Yeah! I dunno, seems like pretty strange behavior to me …
GREG Well, we’re a weird bunch, we are. Most people. / Ya gotta factor that in there …
STEPH S’ppose so. / True.
GREG See, I never feel like anything’s too far out of the possible, you know? All the crazy shit that you can come up with inside the brain … it all seems to end up happening to us in some fashion or another. Right?
STEPH Yeah.
GREG So, no, that doesn’t seem so strange to me. Not at all. (Beat.) I’ve imagined how things could’ve worked out for us, many times. / Of course I have … yes …
STEPH Good. / Anyhow, thought you should know …
GREG ’Kay. Thanks. That’s … I’m …
STEPH What?
GREG I appreciate it, that’s all. You telling me …
STEPH Sure. (Beat.) I just … we’re …
She turns to GREG now, taking his hand in hers. A smile.
STEPH Can’t believe I’m even about to say this shit now, because … you know, part of me is still waiting for you to sweep me off my feet or something, some last-ditch thing to win me back. / (Elbows him.) Bastard …
GREG Oh. / (Grins.) Really?
STEPH ’Course! Maybe like some deal outta the movies … you know? I mean, why not? If anybody might deserve it that’d be me, after how I got treated … / Anyway …
GREG The whole thing was a misunderstanding, Steph, I promise you!/ I never said …
STEPH Yeah, well, whatever … (Beat.) Doesn’t matter because the other side of me, the reliable part, was screaming, “Thank God ya came to your fucking snses! This setup is not for you. Get out and stay out. Now.”
She looks over at GREG to gauge how this has landed. He nods his head but doesn’t say anything. Fidgets a bit.
STEPH Anyway, look. We’re right where we should be now, I really believe that. Seeing you here, and me with my ring on and I’m all smiling—we’re both in a good place and one that we were maybe even holding each other back from. / I don’t want to believe that, that we could’ve been doing shit to hurt each other but I wrestled with all this stuff over the last few months and, just, I know now that we were not very perfect as a couple.
GREG Maybe. / Huh. ’S kinda fair, I guess.
STEPH Not that we weren’t good together because we were, I know that, and we had laughs and a nice little place but, Greg, be honest, you were never gonna give me what I have
now—this ring or the sort of future I’m wanting from a guy. Right? You understand that I’ve thought of you that way, hoped that you could be that person to me … but you weren’t. / Not really.
GREG No. / That’s probably … (Beat.) I’m sorry, Steph, but it’s true—I liked you a lot, obviously even loved you in my way, but I was just drifting, and the four years we spent together probably could’ve gone on another four or ended in a month and I’d’ve been fine either way—and that’s how it was, we were just getting by on fumes at that point. Really, if you think back and you’re honest about it … I don’t want you to hit me so I’m hedging my bets here, but look, you know I’m … I’m …
STEPH No, you’re … it’s totally dead-on.
GREG Hey, you’re free to disagree. If you want to say I’m the greatest guy ever, I’m not gonna fight you on it …
STEPH Oh yeah! (Grins.) No chance, buddy.
GREG Figures.
STEPH No, you’re right. I think maybe we both jumped at the chance—I was the first to say something, but it could’ve just as easily been you—and we used this to get out of a thing that was, like … dying …
GREG Right. No, that’s so us, it’s … we …
STEPH And I know I’m putting all this fucking moon glow on it now, like it was special and all … but … it was just normal.
GREG No, it was special, Steph, it was, but …
STEPH Whatever, I’m just saying—I’m making it far better in my head than we were. And you always were the pretty one, outta the two of us, which kinda pissed me off!
GREG Ha! That’s so stupid …
STEPH No, seriously, you were, which is weird and sad for a girl. Never said much about it but I noticed it. Noticed other people noticing. All that. / It doesn’t matter, just a fact. But it wears you down after a while. You know?
GREG Steph … / I never felt that. I didn’t.
STEPH Yeah, well, you’re fucking blind then. Or just being nice. Either way, still sucks.
STEPH looks over at GREG, who wants to say something.
GREG I guess. (Beat.) But it wasn’t your face; I mean, just so you know. I wasn’t ever this, like, “ass” man or, or some “legs” guy … I liked how you looked. Period.
STEPH Thanks. OK, that helps, because, I dunno, it just does … (Beat.) I maybe shouldn’t make such a big deal out of it but it is. To most girls it honestly is—this guy I have now, maybe he’s not you but fuck, he looks at me and that’s it. He just lights up inside.
GREG Good. Fine. (Touches her.) So go be happy then. / Yes. That’s what I want for you …
STEPH Yeah? / Really?
GREG Why not? I’m sure it’s possible—you read about it all the time …
STEPH I never read anything. I mean, People …
GREG OK, well, then I do … novels and stories and all sorts of crap. Happiness is, like, inches away most of our lives. We just can’t always see it so good …
GREG reaches over and gives STEPH a little sort of hug.
STEPH Well, point me in the right direction, would ya?
GREG Sure. It’s right over there … / (Points toward the window.) Next to that dude with the vanity plates.
STEPH ’Kay. / Ha! Thank you.
GREG No problem.
STEPH Really. (Beat.) You’re still an asshole but I’ll miss you … I actually will.
GREG I know. / Yep. I mean I get it. Both … the “asshole” and the “missing” part. / Even though it’s a little obtuse.
STEPH Yeah? / Good. / Prick. (Smiles.) So …
GREG So. (Beat.) Don’t worry. This asshole’s gonna miss you, too …
STEPH leans forward now, moving slowly toward a kiss. GREG meets her halfway. A lovely moment. STEPH starts to cry but catches herself—grabs up her purse and exits.
GREG goes to the window, looking out. Watching her go. He then returns to a table, sits. He pulls a novel out of a pocket and starts to read. Stops.
GREG exhales sharply as he puts his head in his hands.
A buzzer sounds sharply in the distance.
A moment with GREG.
GREG What’d I learn from this—all that’s happened to me? Shit, I dunno. Nothing, probably, which is my usual pattern. I have no doubt learned absolutely nothing and will be able to apply none of these life lessons to my actual … day-to-day routine. Sad but true. (Beat.) No, that isn’t fair, I should be a more positive person if I can. All right, yes, I’m very positive that I learned nothing from my breakup with Stephanie. (Smiles.) Just being silly, sorry. No, I think that I came outta this with a new sense of, I dunno, at least a better understanding of me, of who I am as a person. Yeah. Not that I like what I see, mind you … not so sure about that, but at least I feel more aware that I’ve got needs and faults and, and, you know—all that shit. But what did I learn? Ummm, learned to make myself clear, to try and be a bit more straightforward about my feelings—to try and have feelings, anyway!—try and never sign up for work-related team sports, if possible … picked up that little tip. (Grins.) Kidding. Sort of. No, I’ll tell you what I really got a better sense of in these last months, it was this: not just that beauty and stuff like that is only skin deep—we always hear that—but that it may not even actually exist. It’s this mirage … some nonexistent thing, really, that we see on people’s faces or in what we imagine their bodies to be and it has so little, I mean, absolutely almost no real value with
anything important or tangible in our lives, and yet we can’t stop from chasing it … which is crazy. It’s nuts! We follow our eyes and our, you know—forgive me here, dicks—and for what? Hmmm? Why? It has nothing to do with a person, or is such a small, small part of who they really are as human beings as to not even be of any consequence … or shouldn’t be, in the scheme of things. And yet we can’t stop staring at movies and TV shows and tons of magazines … all of ’em saying that beauty is this big deal. It isn’t! It’s so not—some girl has a pretty face and we fall all over ourselves giving her flowers and modeling contracts and working so hard to get into those panties of hers …
GREG thinks about this, shaking his head. Laughs a bit.
GREG You ever hear one of those women speak? Huh? Take you a carton of Cialis to get back to where you’re even curious about taking her into the bedroom after that, I promise you … but it doesn’t stop us, we keep buying the swimsuit issue and the, you know, bikini posters and I guess that is just how it happens, how we get past our teenage years, imagining that women like that’ll find us attractive and that gives us just enough hope and desire to stagger through high school until we can get out there and take up all the, like, shit jobs that the smart guys don’t want because they were busy studying, getting
scholarships and good jobs … which then allows them to actually marry all those beautiful girls whom the rest of us will never get to touch! What a vicious cycle. Or circle, or whatever the hell it is … (Laughs.) Guess that’s why I’ve gone back for a last semester at community college, which may even lead me to get my degree, it just might. Anything is possible. It’s funny, though, just the other day—I’m in class now, like I said, and I’m taking a humanities elective, no biggie, but we’re going over all these paintings, learning a bit about them, and this one sticks in my mind. I mean, after all that happened to … you know. It’s by Velázquez, and it has a name like—I’m not kidding here—The Toilet of Venus or something. Yeah! And the teacher was going on and on about it, trying to keep us from staring at this lady’s bare ass in the picture … and he says that the reason we can’t really see the woman’s face in the mirror—a little cherub-guy is holding the thing so it’s hard to see—the reason is because we all have a different perception of what real beauty is. Isn’t that funny? He’s saying that it’s “subjective” and that none of us are wrong … it’s just about personal feelings and stuff. And, see, that’s all I was ever trying to say to Steph about the … whatever! What happened. It’s all very subjective and we shouldn’t worry about that shit … that’s what I think; and yet I come out like, I dunno, a bit of a bad guy from the whole deal. Life is crazy, right? Yep. (Beat.) … but the truth of the matter … the honest thing about this is, I think I’m a better man now, after Stephanie.
I really do. Not, like, awesome or anything, not like that, but at least good, maybe. Yeah. I think she helped make me better; just by being in a real relationship I had the desire to—I learned to keep it together with her. Show some kind of respect to another person. (Beat.) I’ve noticed that I now … I mean, when I date these days, which isn’t, like, all that often, but when I do … I think I’m less judgmental about what a person is like. Seriously. I mean, I’m not dating anybody right now—just to be clear—thought I should take a little breather on that front, but I just mean in theory. In theory I know better how to treat people. Girls. Or women; I guess they like it when you say “women.” (Grins.) So … but work is good, that’s all fine and Carly had her baby, little girl, which is … I dunno, did she tell you that already? Maybe. Anyhow, she and Kent’re still together, sorta. She left him for a while but the kid’s there and so you’ve gotta … She doesn’t let him stay in the house for now, so I guess that’s something. Hey, I wish her luck. I do.
He thinks for a moment, considering what else to say.
GREG Steph’s got her wedding coming up, like, in December—they’ve already reset the date twice, but you didn’t hear it from me, OK?—I really do hope for the best where she’s concerned, though … because I’m, you know, she’s great, she is, and I’ll always … whatever. Anyhow, it’ll be in December. Yep.
GREG checks his watch. Smiles as he starts to move off.
GREG Listen, I’m gonna meet some friends so I need to get going, but who knows? I’m not really out there looking for anybody and so that’s usually when it happens. (Beat.) You see some person and you stop dead and your heart starts to … you know what I’m saying! That might even happen tonight, right? I mean, maybe a waitress or, or a woman serving us popcorn or even tearing the tickets; I dunno, but that very well could happen to me again, one of these days. Absolute-ly could. You just never know … (Beat.) And I feel like maybe I’m even ready now. Not for, like, kids or a mortgage or whatever; not tomorrow, anyway! (Laughs.) But soon. Really soon, and hey, that’s progress, isn’t it? I think so. Yeah. I’m pretty much a grown-up now. I seriously am! (Grins.) How in the hell’d that happen? I dunno …
He laughs and shrugs at this thought, shaking his head.
GREG … don’t ask me.
GREG starts to say something else but stops himself. He smiles, nods, and wanders away.
Lights snap off.