Joel has ignored my calls and messages, which has me thinking on some level that maybe Joel doesn’t really care about me anymore. Maybe he never did. And even though I want things to be good between us again, the more he ignores my calls, the less apologetic I feel. I keep telling myself to be the bigger person, but being the bigger person totally sucks.
“Wanna go to Blue Room tonight?” I ask Colin on the phone a couple of days later.
“Blue Room is eighteen and up. Besides, I thought you wanted to see that movie,” he says, since I still hadn’t seen the zombie flick I’d been dying to see.
“Not tonight. Sugar is playing, all ages.”
“Oh,” Colin says. “Is that a good thing?”
“Well, I figure it’s the only way I’ll get to talk to Joel.”
“So he doesn’t know you’re going?”
“Not exactly . . .”
“What’s he gonna do if you show up?”
“Who knows. But whatever. I’m the one swallowing my pride, which is a lot more than I can say for him.”
“Are you sure you’re ready to talk to him?” Colin warns.
“I don’t know. But I’m tired of this, so I’m going.”
“All right, I’ll pick you up around ten?”
“No, I can just meet you there.”
“Yeah, okay. I’ll be at your house at ten.”
“I said . . .”
“See you then.” He hangs up before I can say anything else.
That night, Mom finds it necessary to say to me as I leave, “Don’t spend the night at the cemetery.” Dad agrees with a slight nod and raised eyebrows.
“I won’t,” I say as I grab my keys. “And if Colin shows up, tell him I—” But just then, Colin’s car rolls up in front of my house. “Forget it,” I call to my parents. “I’m riding with Colin!” Damn him, I think, even though I’m slightly impressed and a bit flattered. Which consequently makes me a little nauseated, but there you have it.
“Why are you avoiding the inevitable?” Colin asks as I get in his car.
“What’s that?” I ask him.
“Don’t act like you don’t know.” He smiles and I look out the window, not letting him see the smile on my face. I almost forget that I’m heading out to another confrontation with Joel.
We pull into the parking lot. When we start walking toward Blue Room, Colin grabs my hand. I’m waiting for him to just give it a squeeze and let go, but he holds on casually, as if it were the simplest thing in the world. Which in many ways, it is.
“Don’t worry,” he says. “It’ll be fine.” And I’m not sure if he’s talking about holding my hand or seeing Joel, but either way, I think I sort of believe him.
The music in Blue Room makes its way down the street, and the bass gets stronger the closer we get to it. When we walk in, the music is so loud, we have to shout and lean into each other just to hear what the other is saying.
“Looks like they’re setting up!” Colin yells.
Lily is onstage, looking spectacular as ever. She doesn’t notice us, and I’m grateful because I kind of want to hide right now as I remember how spiteful and mean I was at her expense.
I nod and turn away before she can spot us. “I don’t see Joel!” I yell.
Colin looks around, searching. I halfheartedly follow his gaze because now that I’m here, I wouldn’t mind putting off this whole thing with Joel. But then Colin nods and says, “Over there!”
I look in the direction Colin gestured at and spot Joel. At the same time he notices us and acknowledges me with only the slightest nod of his head. If a nod could be cold, Joel’s would take the prize.
“He’s still pissed!” I yell to Colin. Okay, so I didn’t exactly expect Joel to run over here and be grateful that I showed up, but what the hell? Did he have to act like such a baby? “Unbelievable,” I say.
Colin shrugs his shoulders. “Really? It’s so unbelievable to think that he’s still pissed over all the crap you said the other night?”
My face flushes. “Forget it,” I say. “Maybe we should just go.”
Colin shakes his head. “No, maybe not just yet.”
I look over at Joel who is heading toward the stage where Lily is. He doesn’t even look at me again. I stand there like an idiot, knowing that he and Lily will probably just wonder how the hell I had the nerve to even show up here.
“All you can do is apologize,” Colin shouts. “Don’t try to prove your point! Just apologize!”
I give him a dirty look because how can I not prove my point. How can I not explain myself? The very idea is killing me and Colin can tell.
“That’s not fair—”
He cuts me off. “Are you sorry?”
“I just . . .”
“I know,” he says, and leans into me closer, his mouth right next to my ear. “But, are you sorry?” He pulls away and looks straight at me.
I think about it, take a deep breath, and begrudgingly nod my head.
He leans in again. “Then for now, just apologize. Explain later.” His hand squeezes mine as I look back to Joel and Lily.
“This sucks,” I say.
Colin shrugs his shoulders. “Just do it,” he yells.
I take a deep breath and push my way through the crowd. I can see Joel and Lily laughing together, presumably at some inside joke, and while I’m still angry at them, I feel sheepish now for showing my face.
I almost turn back, except Joel has already made eye contact with me. And then I’m right in front of them. They stare at me expectantly as I stand there, suddenly struck mute.
“Hi, Frenchie,” Lily says.
Of course she would be the one to try to break the ice.
“Uh, hi,” I say.
“Francesca,” Joel says. Francesca? Oh, that’s too much.
“So you’re talking to me?” I say.
He shrugs his shoulders. “Are you talking to me?” he asks.
“Does it seem like I’m not?” I can’t help the edge in my voice. Lily looks between the two of us.
“Can we talk?” I ask.
“Isn’t that what we’re doing?”
“Joel,” Lily says and puts her hand on his arm.
“Fine,” he says and heads toward the exit. Before I follow, Lily touches my shoulder and says “It’s not really that he’s pissed, Frenchie, he’s just hurt.”
I nod. “Thanks for the update,” I say. Her face drops. I try again. “I mean, thanks, Lily. I appreciate it, really, I do.” I don’t know if that sounds any less sarcastic, but Lily smiles, so I take it as a pretty good sign.
I step outside and see Joel leaning against the building. He sees me, pulls out two cigarettes, hands one to me, and lights it for me. I take a drag and let it out slowly.
I search my brain for what to say. I try to think of something funny that will make him laugh, but then I remember what Colin said and just start out with, “I’m sorry, okay?”
“You’re really something, you know that?” he asks.
“Thanks,” I say with a smile, even though I know it’s not a compliment.
“I’m serious,” he says.
“I know. The other night was,” I shake my head. “It was horrible. It sucked big time and I hate that it happened.”
Joel nods, taking in another long drag. “Yeah, no shit.”
“And I know I might have said some pretty terrible things . . . ,” I continue.
He raises an eyebrow. “Might have?”
“Okay, I did,” I say. “I’ve just sort of not been right the last few months.”
“Really? I didn’t notice,” he says.
“You’re not making this easy,” I say. I stop and think of what I want to say next. I know Colin told me not to try and explain everything right now, but I can’t help it. And yet, I can’t quite find the words or get them in order.
So I start with, “Remember that night? The night I was supposed to hang out with you and Lily for the Tantrums’ show?”
“That was forever ago, but yeah, what about it?” he says.
My mouth goes dry. “Well, do you also remember it was the night before Andy Cooper . . . died?”
“Yeah,” Joel says slowly, looking at me.
“Well, I hung out with Andy that night. When you and Lily didn’t show up. He was there and we went to all these places and it was such a great night. Or I thought it was. And then he went home, and I went home. But the next day you called and told me . . . and, I don’t know, Joel. . . .” I shake my head because I don’t think I can explain the rest anymore. I try to find the words, but he reaches over and holds my hand and we’re both quiet.
Joel lets out a long plume of smoke. “Shit,” he says finally. “Why didn’t you tell me?”
I shrug and take a drag off my cigarette. “Because I just thought people would blame me,” I say.
Joel stays quiet for a long time, and then he looks at me. “Do you?” he says.
“What?”
“Do you blame yourself?” he asks.
“I did.”
“And now?”
I shake my head. “No. If I thought for a minute that’s what he was going to do, I would have done something. I just . . . I had no idea.”
Joel looks at the ground like he’s ashamed. “And this whole time, all I did was care about what’s going on with me . . . not even asking you what was wrong because I didn’t want to face telling you that I didn’t want to go to Chicago anymore,” he says.
“You could have told me,” I say.
“I know,” he says. “You could have told me, too. Everything.”
“I know. But it was too hard.”
Joel nods.
“I’m sorry I didn’t give Lily a chance. That wasn’t fair and if I’d been straight with you from the beginning, I know you would’ve been there.”
“I know. And it’s more than that, I mean, I miss . . .” I want to tell Joel I miss him, and our friendship, and how things used to be, but I don’t want to make it seem like I hate Lily, so I don’t.
“You know what I miss?” Joel says suddenly, filling up the silence. “I miss my dreads.” And then we both start cracking up.
“But seriously,” he says, running his hand over his baldness. “I mean, I like it, but I just cut them off, without really thinking about it. They were like a part of me, you know?”
I nod. I know what he’s saying.
“It’s a good change, though,” I say. “It suits you.”
“Thanks, but I still miss them.” He looks at me. “And I’m sorry I cut them off.”
I get the slightest bit teary-eyed.
“What, don’t tell me you’re going to cry,” he teases. “Don’t tell me the Great Frenchie Garcia is actually human?”
I smile. “Fuck off.”
We laugh, and I’m grateful.
“So does your girlfriend totally hate me?” I ask.
Joel shrugs. “You know, I’ve never really seen her pissed. It was kind of cute.” He smiles at what I can only assume is Lily looking like a pissed-off kitty. “But no, I don’t think she hates you. She’s pretty understanding. Maybe you should give her a chance.”
“I will,” I say, making a mental note to officially apologize to Lily. “And you? Do you hate me?”
“Only as much as you hate me.”
“So we’re good?”
“Always,” he says.