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I let go of a loud groan and release myself into ecstasy. I close my eyes and chase my breath. With her beautiful face in my mind. With the satisfying warmth of her hand. She's so beautiful I want to make a fairytale come true.
A fairytale.
It is more than that. I don't only feel something about the patient's beauty. She also teases the sexual demon hiding in me.
Haven Ricci.
I should have listened to Damon, my fellow, when he told me not to meet her. It will only bring me guilt. I should have known that. But as a person, part of me wants to find out from whom Lauren's new heart will come.
Instead of guilt, I felt something different – especially when I touched her hand. Her warmth was so strange that it awakened lust and a longing in my heart. After Lauren cheated on me, I buried myself in work and never thought of loving anyone again. I always pick some crazy colleague or young employees who are willing to spread their legs for me to satisfy my lust. But casual sex isn't my thing. It always fails me.
When Lauren announced that she was pregnant with our child, I tried to awaken my passion for her. We were to be a family; I had to find that spark again.
If I forgive Lauren and she remains faithful to me, maybe that passion can spark again. Months passed, and our child was born. The spark never came.
Through Lauren.
Strangely, I felt that spark today. With Haven. Why?
Is it because her heart will be Lauren's?
Or is it because that young woman is gorgeous?
Her lips are thick and pouting like a cherub's lips. Though pale pink, her mouth still makes me want to know its taste. Haven's eyelids are long, showing how big and wide her eyes can be. I'm curious about what they look like – when they stare into my eyes.
The more I think of her, the more I want her to wake up. The more I imagine her as a healthy woman, the more I desire her. My lust gets stronger. I shake my head. Is this a way to counter my guilt?
I will end up loving her heart, but I am – in a way – the one who will kill her.
I wash my hands and look in the mirror. Haven's face still appears in my memory. Is it worth it? But then, she's about to cross death. If it can give Lauren a second chance at life, and me a second chance at happiness, maybe it is.
A loud knock on the bathroom startles me. I find Dr. Ruiz, Lauren’s cardiologist, in my office with Damon. They show the usual reaction of doctors with bad news. Haven? I almost laughed at myself. Why would I think of her first?
“We need to do the operation ASAP,” Dr. Ruiz declares. "Lauren just had another arrest, and it's worse than before."
My whole body becomes numb. I don’t know what to think. Of course, Lauren should get the operation at the soonest time possible, but a part of me hesitates. I only saw Haven once. I didn’t get to watch her face for a long time.
“Are you alright, Alex?” Damon asks.
Get your head straight, Alex. I look at Dr. Ruiz and nod. "I've already talked to Mr. Ricci. They have signed the papers."
Dr. Ruiz blows a sigh of relief and quickly calls out his team of heart surgeons. Damon looks at me and shakes his head. He has been my friend for almost a decade and can read my reactions well. This time, his suspicion may only be half right. Yes. I feel guilty that I'm about to end Haven's life. But I can't help the growing frustration that someone as beautiful as her will be gone before I may know and have her.
#
The halls of the operating room are eerily quiet. I can only hear Mrs. Ricci's cries as medical personnel lead Haven to the operating room. The slow beeps in Haven's monitor prove that she's almost gone. Lauren is inside the operating room. A team of heart surgeons struggles to keep her heart strong before the transplant.
Mr. Ricci looks at me. I can see his hesitation. Technically, he sold his daughter to me after we closed and signed the contract.
"Can I hold her again?" Mrs. Ricci asks the nurses. I look away when she holds her daughter's hand and cries her apology for not doing everything she can to save her.
Her words console me. I'm doing everything I can for my son's mother. It is enough to calm my conscience but not the strange regret growing in my heart.
Mrs. Ricci lets go of Haven's hand, allowing the nurses and aides to tow her towards the operating room. When her bed passes before me, I avoid looking at her face, but I can't. I want to see the most beautiful being I've seen for the last time. "Stop," I utter.
The nurses adhere to my order. Just one last time. I walk closer to take a look at Haven. She's paler than when I first saw her. Haven's pouty lips have turned slightly bluish. She looks like an angel. She’ll be one in a few minutes.
My eyes land on her hand. I try to fight the urge to hold it again, but it can be my last time to do it. I reach for her hand and squeeze it a little. The nurses and aides become puzzled. None of them knows that the person waiting for the heart is my wife. They probably wonder what a pediatrician is doing to a dying donor.
“I knew her from before,” I lie and move closer to Haven. I become bolder and push my face closer to hers. Ah. She smells like baby powder with a hint of hospital disinfectants. I softly chuckle and whisper to her, “I’ll take care of your heart always, Haven.”
The quiet halls suddenly panic when Haven's monitor rapidly beeps. I raise my head to look into it, but her hand suddenly curls to hold on to mine. I look at her and find the most beautiful pair of green eyes that matches her shoulder-length, curly red hair.
“Doctor,” one of the nurses calls me while my body turns numb.
“Move away, Malone,” Haven’s attending physician pushes me away, forcing my hand to slip from hers.
“Haven, can you hear me?” her doctor asks.
The young woman doesn't answer, but her eyes keep following me as I walk away from her. The doctor and nurses check on her, but her eyes pin with mine. Every second that our eyes are with each other, my body becomes numb and hot. My heart pounds like there's an avalanche happening against my chest. She’s alive.
"She's back," the doctor declares, confirming my thoughts.
The Ricci couple rushes to Haven's side. I look at the entrance to the operating room and find Dr. Ruiz with a sorry look on his face. No. I look back at Haven. She’s back, but Lauren is about to go.
Guilt dumps on me like a raging waterfall. Did I save one soul and deliver one? And my son? I can accept that I surrendered my second chance to happiness, but to have surrendered my son's right to have a mother by his side? I can't forgive myself for that. I'm the reason for one's life and the other's death.
#
