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I open my mouth to say another word, but Alex slides his lips into mine, pushes his tongue inside, and explores my mouth, stopping me from uttering a word. I should deny him and be repulsed by his actions, but all I can think of is to do the things I want to do. And kissing Alex has always been on my mind from the moment I woke up. I want to feel the softness of his uneven but thick lips, his tongue brushing against mine, and his palm on my cheeks as we share his ravishing kisses. I dream of twisting the ends of his wavy brown hair. Or be taken away by the waves of how I feel for him.
“What are you doing?” I ask while gasping for air.
“Taking what’s mine,” Alex declares before catching my mouth with his.
It must be because I allow him that his kisses become hotter and deeper. His tongue reaches deep into my throat. It is as if he claims my heart, insisting that it's his. My heart seems to know his claim and slowly surrenders, telling me that I am to be his. But why does he want me? As the supposed substitute for his wife's heart? Or because I’m a woman he desires? Or because I have to pay for what my father took from him?
Alex pauses and looks at me. I should seize the moment to set things with him. To ask why he wants me. To surrender my heart properly to his claim if it feels right. But instead, fear engulfs me. I'm scared that if he hesitates to own me, I can never be his. And the idea of being his remains a perfect thought despite the anger I have from his stupid claim over my heart.
Shamelessly, I stand on my toes and initiate the next kiss. Alex chuckles at the way I kiss. It must feel childish to him. After all, I only had boys before. Never a man. He pulls away from me and looks into my eyes.
“I’m wrong about Richard, right? You’re not with him?” Alex asks.
Every ounce of anger in my system vanishes when Alex lets go of a confident smile. It's the same smile he gave those little kids at the hospital. It's a smile showing sincere affection and one that assures my heart. Or perhaps, wrapping it in fantasy.
Alex gently brushes his thumb on my cheeks. “I’ll apologize later,” he utters before caging my mouth in another passionate kiss.
Ah. A man's kiss is different! It's hot, passionate, vulgar, and precise. It's enough to trigger my entire erogenous nerves and urge me to surrender everything to him. Alex doesn't have to convince me. I know that my heart will be safe with him.
A short jolt of reality pricks me when it dawns on me that I'm about to let go of my virginity. I don't care about losing it. But I'm afraid of not being enough for a man of his experience. He has been married and may have been with more women than I had been with boys. What if I disappoint him? What if he'll realize having my heart is not enough? That I could never be as good as his wife?
Does he have to know that I may be bad at it? Technically, he’s taking me by sort of force. It’s his fault if he finds me bad. But I can’t be that bad!
The worries blow out of my mind when Alex's kisses move down to my clavicle. His breath against my neck induces a soft growl in my throat. I close my eyes and decide to take a risk. I can’t be that bad, I repeat in my head.
Alex lifts me from the floor and carries me back to the bed. My breathing becomes intense as his kisses move lower and as his hands slide to the hem of my shirt. He returns to kissing my lips as he locates the opening of my bra. I breathe against his face when he unfastens the band and releases my tits from the wired underwear.
Then, he stops and stares into my eyes.
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