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“Say we’re crazy in love without saying you’re in love,” Nurse Leslie whispers to another nurse.
I look across the cafeteria and find Damon and Monique having lunch. Almost everyone in the pediatric department seems to know that they have a thing for each other but have no labels. They have more than a thing for each other. I found them having sex in Damon's office a few days ago. Damon. He didn't remember who I was. Why would he? He and his father forgot about me after my mother dragged me out of their house.
But I can't blame him. He was only my brother for six months.
I look at him for a while. He grew up fine. His face hasn't changed since the last time I met him. Shame quickly catches up with me while looking at them. Anger follows it.
It's a small world indeed but a cruel one. They are the reasons I'm still not a doctor like them. If my glares can kill, she'll be dead. I lost my opportunities to be in a university and be qualified for medical school because of Monique. She claimed that she had nothing to do with what happened to me. I never believed her. A jealous and wicked rich kid would never admit she's a bully.
But that scandal would not happen if I didn't meet Damon on one of the university tours. I expected to see my brother, but times have changed. After years of not seeing him, I forgot he could have been my brother. And what I saw from that university was a handsome college kid. I fantasized about him being my first kiss – being my first in everything.
When I went home for a short break from school, I found my mother having sex with one of her "clients" in the kitchen. She was bent on the counter, and a man took her from behind. I should have stopped watching them, but my curiosity overpowered me. I began to masturbate after seeing it. And I always imagine doing it with Damon.
One afternoon, when my roommate went home, I imitated my mother by imagining that I was dancing for Damon and pretending he was taking me from behind. I never imagined that someone would film me.
A few years later, it became clear that my roommate filmed it accidentally. She thought I'd steal some of her stuff, so she placed a hidden camera. But she swore to have not circulated it. Only one person wanted to humiliate and benefit from that video. Monique Aragon, the selfish, envious, spoiled brat.
"Do you think they'll stay fubu?” Leslie asks.
“Fubu?” I cut in.
"Fuck buddies," Leslie replies. She shakes her head and says, "I think they'll end up realizing they are made for each other."
I force a laugh to discredit Leslie's theory. She raises an eyebrow at me. "I'm sorry. But I think you've watched too many romantic movies. It's ordinary now. After they get tired, they'll find another partner."
"You don't know anything about them, newbie," Leslie counters. "They've been together for more than a year. Many new nurses spread their legs to Dr. Cowell, but he never glances at them."
In his eyes, there’s only Monique. The last words of Leslie are like arrows piercing through my heart. I used to have that moment with Damon where I was the apple of his eye. Of course, as his future little sister. But I’m no longer little. Nor am I his sister.
I look at Monique. True. Compared to her, I'm inferior. She's like a movie star rocking everything. I'm just a wallflower, usually trapped in my dreams that never became real.
My heart stops when Damon suddenly glances my way. He pauses and keeps his eyes on me. I frown when Monique puts some cherry tomatoes on his plate, taking his focus from me.
In his eyes, there’s only Monique. But that can change. I can change it.
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