I phoned Boots even though there was nothing new. Lou was hooked to a respirator and receiving fluids through an IV. The doctors were reluctant to test if he could breathe on his own. A good thing I’d grabbed Boots’s Valium before I’d left the condo and ate one while I charged north. If I hadn’t, I might have decked the attendant when he refused me entry into the ICU.

Not so good, Boots had discovered the missing pills and used it as a horse for her anger.

“I just took the bottle on my way out the door. Sort of an afterthought.”

“Drugs are never an afterthought with you,” she said crossly. “Didn’t it occur to you that I might need one?”

“You don’t have any tucked away?”

“Well, I found some at the bottom of a purse,” she confessed.

“At least something worked out okay.” The moment I heard myself I felt my stomach shift.

Boots had heard me too and swiftly dropped her mad. “Now don’t get depressed while you’re waiting, Matt. It will work out. I can feel it.”

“Vibes?”

“Faith. Lou’s tough.”

“A tough who’s overweight with breathing problems and a diabetic condition.”

“Have you found out exactly what happened?”

“A wire rigging that holds the flue pipe broke and fumes spread through the house.”

“The smell didn’t wake them?”

“Eventually. Lauren woke up to puke and saw Lou gasping for air.” The image freaked me out and I surreptitiously dry-mouthed another V. “At least she was smart enough to call a fucking ambulance,” I said after forcing the pill down my throat.

“You’re angry at her, aren’t you?”

“Damn right.”

“It wasn’t Lauren’s fault, Matt.”

“Right this second everything is her fault.” I looked up from the phone and saw Lauren at the other end of the hall. “Honey, she’s waving. I’ll call back if I get any information.”

“I’ll stay home as long as I can, but call me at work if you hear anything at all!”

My gut was near my feet by the time I reached Lauren and the attending physician. And nothing the doctor said raised it. Lou was going to be in the ICU for a minimum of six to eight hours before they removed the respirator. He was sedated and they planned to keep him on the tube. Essentially nothing had changed. Still, I called Boots and gave her the skimpy details.

I returned to the open waiting room and told Lauren I was going outside for a cigarette. At first she just nodded but when I pushed the door open she was right behind.

“Mind if I tag along?”

I took my first real look at her and she looked lousy. No makeup, hair pulled back into a ragged ponytail with lots of loose gray. Red wet eyes. For the first time since we’d met, Lauren looked her age. Older.

“You have a jacket?” I asked in the chilly dawn air.

“This shirt is warm enough. I just didn’t expect it to get cold so damn soon,” she said despondently. “I never even thought about it. The oil company checks on the furnace every year, but I didn’t have them out. I had no idea the wire was broken.”

“Blaming yourself isn’t going to help. Are you sure you don’t want my jacket?”

“No thank you.” Lauren tried to smile before bursting into tears.

I shifted awkwardly, dragging on my cigarette. “How did you find out it was the wire?” I finally asked.

“I telephoned the fire department as well as the ambulance,” she said regaining control. “I thought it might be an electrical fire. I’m sorry, Matthew, I really am. About all of it,” she said choking back more tears. “I shouldn’t have called yesterday and said what I did. You’re Lou’s only relative and I understand my family worries you.”

I didn’t know what to say. I was angry with her, angry she was part of Lou’s life, angry it was her house that caused Lou’s attack. Full of anger but still found it impossible to ignore her feelings.

“When I realized he couldn’t breathe, I thought it was a heart attack.” Lauren shook her head as her eyes filled again. “He was so helpless and I imagined he was going to die and we’d had less than a year with each other. I wanted to die right along with him.”

Lauren paused, “Waiting for the ambulance was pure hell.”

Lauren wrapped her arms around herself so I flipped the cigarette. “Let’s go back inside, it’s cold out here.”

Lauren followed me back into the hospital where I asked the dredlock’d receptionist for a secluded spot in which we could wait. I listened impatiently to a Jamaican accented suggestion that we go home. When he finished I demanded a guarantee that Lou wouldn’t die while we were away. Lauren saw the receptionist glance toward the security guard and immediately took charge, securing a private waiting room in the process. I behaved myself and followed them down a flight of stairs into a small lounge replete with the ever ubiquitous vending machines.

“No ashtrays?” I asked, still tasting my anger.

The Jamaican pointed toward a red exit sign. “Step outside if you have to smoke, mon. And try to relax. Nobody is going to do any better because you’re all worked up and out of control.”

I kept my tongue planted and wriggled into a small chair.

“You’re very angry, aren’t you?” Lauren asked, once the nurse had left the room.

“Nothing new.”

“I know you blame me for this.”

“Right now I’m just angry.”

We lapsed into a long, tense silence, the only movement my regular excursions outside. At some point the tension and Valium floored me and I fell asleep. When I lifted my heavy lids, Lauren was weeping softly.

“Did you hear something?” I asked, using the chair’s arms to push my ass free.

“No, no, nothing yet.”

“Then why are you crying?”

“I’m frightened, that’s all.”

Her words cut through my cotton head and I started to pace.

“Matthew, please stop walking around. You’re reminding me of Paul. Next you’ll be pounding on the damn vending machine.”

I retreated to my seat. “We’ve spent a lot of time in hospitals, haven’t we?” I said, shaking my head. The nap had dissolved my anger.

“Too much time.” She shook her head. “I’m so very sorry.”

“Stop apologizing, this isn’t your fault.”

“It feels like it. There are moments when I wish we’d never gotten involved. That way Lou wouldn’t have been hurt. But when I think that, the life slips out of me. I love him, Matthew. I feel like a whole person when we’re together, like I found a missing piece of me I never knew existed. And this is what comes of it,” she added. “Something always goes wrong when I touch it.”

“Lou’s had asthma for a long time, Lauren.”

“But how much did the crises with Ian and Stephen, and the drive-by take out of him?”

I had no answer other than my temper dregs. “I gotta have a smoke.”

 

The rest of the day ran around the same track. I kept dozing, waking, and smoking. Lauren kept sniffling, fighting back her tears. Every once in a while, one or the other of us would trudge upstairs only to return without news. I wanted to hold her responsible but that day was done.

The more we talked the easier it became.

“So explain your feelings toward Lou,” I finally asked. “This is not a man who presses the envelope.”

“No, but Lou doesn’t judge other people’s lives and that might be more progressive than anything I’ve ever done. And it’s more than that. I’ve always felt isolated, despite all the causes, friends, marriage, and even the kids. As if I had to be the one to make every decision. I had to be the one to take care of everybody. When I’m with Lou, all that disappears. I don’t have to keep protecting myself and it frees me. Lou knows who he is and that’s incredibly reassuring—and very special. Plus, he’s the kindest person I’ve ever known.”

Her eyes raked my face.

“Don’t look at me like that, Lauren. My question wasn’t a knock.”

Lauren smiled, “I didn’t take it that way. I was thinking that Lou talks about your friend Boots all the time, but I’ve never heard you mention her.”

“I’m pretty good at keeping things compartmentalized.”

“That’s a big word, Matthew. Does it mean scared?”

“Scared?”

“Afraid if you talk about her the relationship will become more real?”

“I don’t know,” I answered uncomfortably.

“I was surprised she didn’t come with you tonight.”

“I’m used to flying solo during emergencies.” The hollowness of my answer rattled in my head. “Maybe compartmentalized does mean scared,” I added, smiling glumly.

“Much of my life I’ve felt too raw to let anyone near,” Lauren said gently. “Including my family, though I hate to admit it. In a way, that’s what I meant earlier about wanting to die. All those empty years had finally disappeared and for an instant they came rushing back.”

“Lou’s not going to die.”

“I don’t think I could live the rest of my life the way I’d lived before. It’s taken me more than half a century to learn when something is healthy and good. If your relationship with Boots is good—and you’re the only one who can know—you might think about the time I’ve wasted.”

Before I found a way to switch subjects the door suddenly burst open and last night’s doctor stood in front of us.

Both of us jumped to our feet.

“Relax,” she said, her voice tinged with exhaustion. “That man is built like an ox. He’ll outlive us all if he watches what he eats. We’re going to continue keeping him under observation after we remove the respirator. I’m going to keep him in the ICU until tomorrow, then move him to a private room.”

“Can we see him?” I asked.

The doctor shook her head. “He’s asleep and won’t wake up for a good long time. The more sleep the better. You can visit him sometime tomorrow. Go home, there’s no reason to wait here.”

“Are you certain he’s okay? Reallycertain?” I asked, wary of our luck.

“He’s going to be fine.” She nodded toward Lauren, “Getting him here quickly made a huge difference. Now, if you don’t mind...”

Lauren and I stared at each other with silent relief as the doctor backed out the door.