“Love is a process, not a destination . . . a holy interpersonal environment for the evolution of two souls.”
—DAPHNE ROSE KINGMAN
“A happy marriage is the union of two good forgivers.”
—ROBERT QUILLEN
EVEN THOUGH THIS IS OUR CONCLUDING CHAPTER, WE DON’T want to give the impression that when you reach the end of this book, having followed our recommendations and, hopefully, helped your partner make meaningful progress in his recovery, you have reached the end of your participation in that recovery—or in your own recovery, for that matter.
If your goal has been to get your partner into some kind of a recovery program or for your partner to give up his substance or activity dependency and this has happened, you may feel that your job is over. You may feel that all you need to do now is join your partner in celebrating his success. We wish we could tell you that is the case. But this is not the end; rather, it’s the beginning—the beginning of deeper individual work for both you and your partner (in the form of trauma recovery or family of origin work) or the beginning of deeper work on your relationship.
We have never known any group of people as joyous, loving, and compassionate as those who have fully engaged with therapy and/or a twelve-step program. The success that you and your partner have experienced together could be just the beginning of the incredible growth and insights you can look forward to as you continue your healing journey, both as individuals and as a couple. The potential for personal happiness, peace, freedom, and reward is limitless—as are the possibilities for your relationship to grow, get better, and become more honest and fulfilling.
But we also don’t want to give you the false hope that once your partner has begun the process of recovery, your relationship issues will disappear, or your partner will magically become a more considerate, kinder, less selfish human being. During recovery, many people uncover problems that they have never dealt with or even identified before, real problems that have been hidden or masked by their substance or activity of choice.
Chris: Most people think that the real problem people who struggle with addiction have is dependence on their substance of choice. Others say that the addiction is a symptom of the real problem. But I say that the addiction is the solution—the addiction, no matter what it was, was the person’s solution to their real, deeper problem.
What usually happens is that when someone gets sober and comes home from a twelve-step program, his partner thinks, “He stopped using, so our problems are solved. Everything is going to be okay.” But, things often get worse before they get better—if they get better at all. It’s as if the addicted person has been driving around in a beat-up station wagon for twenty years, throwing all his problems and issues into the back whenever they came up. When he hits the wall and finally gets to recovery, all those problems and issues end up in his lap and he has no idea what to do with them.
The drugs or alcohol was a way for your partner to be more amenable to and tolerant of the hardships associated with being a human being. Now that the Band-Aid has been pulled off, the recovering addict is no longer desensitized, and it takes time to develop the skills and coping mechanisms needed to deal with being human. For a while, he may be even more difficult to be around.
I want you to be prepared: There is often no “happily ever after” for some partners and couples, immediately or ever. Things may get better in terms of the police not showing up in the middle of the night or the other really toxic aspects of this illness in its active phase, but the underlying issues—sharing intimacy, being accountable, dealing with real loss—as well as the broken shoelaces of life will not be easy for a long while.
Some of us have a harder time than others just learning how to be human or how to be a real partner. Because of the culture I was socialized in, it took me fifteen years before I really understood what honesty, authenticity, and mutual respect in a marriage looked like, and recognized that they were the building blocks I wanted for my own marriage. I left my first marriage by having an affair. I would never do that today. But it’s taken me thirty years to get here. Many other guys who come out of active addiction are going to be like I was.
Certainly in the beginning there can be a period of transformation and calm. But then comes the hard work, and the challenge of relearning many behaviors. I don’t know anyone in recovery who hasn’t needed to have a reckoning of some kind with his personal history. Many people need to adopt an entirely new operating system.
This may sound daunting, and it should! But I have seen thousands of couples transform from the misery of addiction and codependency into an honest, authentic, committed, realized coupleship. If you are reading this book, you already have the willingness to do what is necessary to have the bond with your partner you may have always imagined. Now you have the tools to make that bond a reality. The day will come when you and your partner realize that what you thought was the problem, the addiction, was actually the opportunity to transform your partnership into a relationship that is fulfilling beyond your wildest dreams.
Still, the effect on your partner, and your relationship, will depend on your individual situation.
Beverly: I have worked with many couples where once the addicted person is in recovery and no longer actively using, his partner discovers him to be a much nicer, more considerate person. In other words, there are situations where once you take away the substance or the activity, the person changes—in some instances, they change radically. They become less angry and abusive. They are less selfish, because they are able to have empathy and compassion for others, perhaps for the first time in their life. These changes take place alongside their recovery. This is especially true when the dependent person is in therapy and is working on his trauma or family of origin issues in addition to his recovery work.
I see it on a continuum. On one end of the continuum, as Chris describes, we have the people whose behavior actually gets worse once they are no longer self-medicating with a substance or activity. Generally speaking, these are people who have not been in therapy or have not acknowledged the fact that they were traumatized in childhood or have family of origin issues. They ripped off the Band-Aid only to find that there was still an open, gaping wound underneath, a wound that has been festering for years.
In the middle of the continuum we have people who once were referred to as “dry drunks” because the inappropriate behavior and “stinking thinking” we associate with substance abuse is still present, even though they are no longer using. Even though they are clean or sober, they are essentially still the same person.
And at the other end of the continuum we have those for whom the alcohol or drugs clearly affected their personality dramatically. When they give up the substance or activity, their personality changes for the better. This can be especially true of those who had anger problems or who became abusive. In some people, substances such as alcohol or drugs can cause a kind of “Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde” effect, meaning that their abusive or otherwise inappropriate behavior comes out only when they are using. Take away the substance and you take away the abusive tendencies. And if the person is receiving treatment for anger and abusive behavior, there is even more of a likelihood that they will not fall back into negative behaviors—unless they relapse and once again begin using drugs or alcohol. (See my book The Jekyll and Hyde Syndrome for more information on this syndrome.)
Here we find those who have been working on their childhood trauma or family of origin issues for a long time, even before they entered a recovery program. Once these people become clean or sober, they usually have far less to work on in order to create and maintain a healthy, intimate relationship.
However, the following three things remain undeniably true:
1. Being in recovery from a substance or activity dependence does not resolve the emotional problems that lie underneath.
2. People respond to treatment in different ways.
3. Once a person is in recovery, the emotional problems that led to his addiction to begin with can exert themselves in new or different ways.
One final point to keep in mind: Your partner will need to continue to expend a lot of time and energy during his recovery process. And whether you have been acting as his supporter or his collaborator, a great deal of your focus has been on his recovery as well. But now it is time for you to focus on creating your own program for healing. Unless both of you continue to be active in your own recovery, your relationship cannot survive and thrive. The more you each focus on your own healing, the more you will be able to bring your best selves to the relationship—and in the process create a healthy, mutually rewarding relationship with one another.