Preach the gospel at all times. If necessary, use the voting booth.
—Francis of Assisi
Most surviving gospel manuscripts state that when Jesus rode into Jerusalem in His triumphal entry, He immediately went to the temple to confront Israel’s cold, dead form of Judaism. But most of these manuscripts are missing an important parenthetical narrative that was recently discovered to be part of the original text of Luke’s gospel:
And Jesus entered the voting booth and began to check all the boxes for Republican candidates. And seeing certain Jews entering the polling place and casting their votes for Democrats, he began to cry out, “I intended for my people to belong only to the GOP, but you have turned this nation into a bunch of bleeding-heart libbies!” And He began to flip over tables like a crazy person, screaming something about making Rome great again.*1
This important aside clues us in on Jesus’s true intentions: to establish His kingdom through a political party, namely, the Republicans. The church’s endgame is to institute its rule throughout the land and force the unregenerate to conform to Christian morals and beliefs. This is why God chose America as His covenant people. He knew we had what it takes to usher in an age of kingdom prosperity and holy living. Israel couldn’t get the job done, so He called up the “land of the free and the home of the brave” to close the deal.
Look, you’ve almost made it. You’ve cleaned up your act, gotten yourself rid of horrible sins like watching secular movies and listening to music with a diabolical 4/4 drumbeat, and adjusted your doctrines to line up with your subjective feelings.
But conforming to church culture and becoming personally holy is simply not enough. If you really want to be perfect, there is still one thing you lack: you need to join the Republican Party and to fight in the culture war. The Christian fish decal and clever, self-righteous Christian bumper stickers on the back of your car are a good start, but you really need to add some awesome political bumper stickers that tell people how serious you are about advancing the party of Christian apostles like Ronald Reagan, Rush Limbaugh, and Bill O’Reilly. Plaster your humble ride with thousands of Far-Right slogans to signal your superiority over godless Democrats.
Joining a right-wing political party is an essential part of becoming a Christian. Trying to advance the kingdom of God through evangelism, outreach, and loving people the way Christ did can only get you so far. Those things are great, don’t get us wrong, but eventually you’ll need to try to elect Christian candidates to office so the power of God can really begin to transform culture and change lives for Jesus. Your “I Voted” sticker, according to many leading evangelical theologians, will catapult you to the VIP areas in heaven when you die.
How else would you “virtue signal” other believers that you believe in all the correct social policies that make you a perfect Christian? Christians must constantly flaunt their support for whatever social movement makes them look best in the eyes of the culture and in the eyes of their fellow brothers and sisters in Christ. Quietly living out the love of Christ in ordinary ways is so last century. Instead, you need to rock the vote for Jesus!
There are, of course, only two political parties in existence for you to join. One of them is the enemy and the other one is God’s chosen vehicle for blessing America.
Let’s take a look at each.
DEMOCRATS
You could become a tried-and-true, blue-blooded, bleeding-heart Democrat.
Spoiler alert: this is the wrong decision!
The Democratic Party was founded in 1883 as the dying wish of Karl Marx because he wanted to infiltrate this once God-fearing nation with his evil communist ideas. With the help of dark, mystical incantations and the full forces of the armies of hell, he succeeded in establishing a commie foothold in the United States, and the Democratic Party was born. Policy positions include support for gun control, abortion, big government, slightly less war than Republicans want, and slightly more assistance for the poor than Republicans are willing to offer.
Becoming a Democrat is the sin leading to death the apostle John mentioned. When Paul wrote that our struggle isn’t against flesh and blood but against “the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly places” (Ephesians 6:12, ESV), he was referencing the Democratic Party. So, from a biblical standpoint, it’s really not doable to be both a Christian and a liberal. Sorry!
REPUBLICANS
If you’re a good Christian, you already know what the right choice is. Go with the party of Abraham Lincoln, Ronald Reagan, and God: the GOP (which stands for God’s Own Party).
Republicans can trace their origins all the way back to a fateful day in 1987 on which President Reagan reclined on the Oval Office sofa to watch the revered Chuck Norris film The Delta Force on VHS. Touched by Norris’s patriotic mowing down of scores of evil Lebanese terrorists, Reagan declared the birth of a new party: the Republicans. Republican policies include support for assault rifles, prolife policies, slightly smaller government, slightly more war, and slightly less government assistance.
Republicans get to harp on all kinds of cool talking points, like accusing the “libtard” Democrats of threatening our way of life simply because they support slightly more government intervention than they do. Republicans also get to voice their support for the bombing of any country that sounds remotely Middle Eastern, even if you can’t locate it on a map. And Republicans are the chosen defenders of the sacred truth that America is God’s people.
Those liberal Democrats hate America and only you can save her!
Owning tons of guns as a diehard Republican is just a bonus here, but it is a sweet one. Democrats have to watch their mouths with you, because they know you’re probably packing heat all the time.
There is no third political option. You have to cast your lot with one of the two establishment parties, just as the good Lord intended. And the choice is obvious. Become a Republican or lose your salvation and suffer the eternal wrath of God. Every moment you rightly suffer in hell, you’ll be thinking, I wish I had mailed in my Republican membership registration form like my grandma kept telling me to.
Actually you didn’t choose the Republican Party. The Republican Party chose you.
Now that you’ve made the correct choice and joined the GOP, you need to learn how to engage the leftists you may encounter, despite your best efforts to avoid them.
Remember to blast people on the Internet who don’t agree with your political choices, as we discussed in chapter 5. Any conversation with one of the evil people on the other side of the aisle from you should be designed to show your superiority. Never honestly consider the other side’s perspective. The goal of any argument ought to be to demonstrate how right you are and to blast the enemy into submission. This is how you show the love of Jesus to a dying world.
Helpful Terms for Arguing with Democrats Online
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Libtard
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Snowflake
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I’m not a racist, but…
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Pull yourself up by your own bootstraps
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Food-stamp junkie
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Godless commie
We also suggest familiarizing yourself with the most up-to-date meme formats you can use to mock people who disagree with you. The best way to engage in conversation with those of opposing worldviews is to misrepresent their positions using a hilarious meme or graphic, and then plaster it all over the Internet. Don’t bother with ensuring the meme or graphic accurately depicts reality. The important thing is that you score imaginary Internet points in the form of likes, upvotes, retweets, or shares. If you later discover that you shared something untrue, never retract your post. Stay strong. The goal of crushing liberalism justifies the means of sharing inaccurate material. And be sure to tag your political opponents in these posts so they’re painfully reminded of how superior your position is.
But we do have a word of warning for you, brave Christian-Republican soldier. The most important thing you can remember as you bravely head off to the front lines to fight for Jesus in the culture wars is this:
You are always being persecuted.
Got it? If your local Walmart stocks even one card that says “Happy Holidays!” or “Season’s Greetings!” during the Christmas season, you are being persecuted. If your boss at Best Buy makes you go home to change out of your obnoxious neon-colored WWJD T-shirt, you are being persecuted. If the police knock on your door at 3 a.m. and ask you to turn down your Petra cassette tape that’s blaring throughout the neighborhood: You. Are. Being. Persecuted!
The slightest offense, the most inane comment, the briefest glance of disapproval—each of these is an assault on your Christian liberties.
The handy chart on this page will help you identify more forms of persecution.
Should the persecution get to be too much for you to bear, consider moving to a place like China or North Korea. There is much less persecution of Christians over there, so you can immediately begin living “your best life now” with the loving support of Kim Jong-un and his pro-Christian regime. Also, Somalia’s nice this time of year as well. Really, anywhere on the globe is easier to be a Christian than in the United States since the liberals began to take over God’s chosen country.
But if you decide to bravely stick it out with the persecuted church in America, there is a powerful weapon you can use in fighting the culture war: the boycott.
The boycott was invented by famed Puritan preacher Jonathan Edwards after a waiter at his favorite New England clam chowder restaurant failed to say “God bless you” when he sneezed. Edwards organized a massive protest against the facility, and eventually it was shut down and the server was rightfully hanged for his crimes against humanity. From that moment on, the boycott was an accepted practice for Christians everywhere.
| Type of Oppression | Level of Persecution |
| A friend invites you over to play video games but only has secular games like Halo or Call of Duty instead of sanctified titles like Bible Adventures. | 3/10 — Persecution, but you can bear it if you believe in yourself. |
| A coworker offers you a secular Altoid instead of a sanctified Testamint. | 5/10 — You are pressed but not crushed. Hang in there! |
| Another driver cuts you off on the freeway despite clearly seeing your Christian fish decal. | 7/10 — Right about on the level of being burned by Nero. |
| Your next-door neighbor puts a sign supporting a political candidate you disagree with in their lawn. | 11/10 — You are actually being persecuted more than Jesus. You must be doing something right! Now attack! |
So when in doubt, boycott something. Heck, boycott everything. A really spiritual person has at least fifty-eight boycotts going on at any given time: Disney, Target, Starbucks, Walmart, and whatever business is unlucky enough to attract your righteous indignation. The target of the boycott doesn’t matter as much as the frequency and volume with which you’re able to spread the news that you’re boycotting something. It’s a really effective way to show how spiritually minded you are. While all the sheeple are just thinking Oh, hey, I need some deodorant; there’s a Target nearby, you’re on a whole other level. You’re mapping your route through the city, trying to find a store on which you haven’t yet declared a holy war, even if you have to drive three hundred miles each way to pick up laundry soap.*2
You’re just that Christ-centered.
And the truly Christ-centered person understands that America is God’s chosen people. We have hinted at this truth dimly, but now it’s time to pull back the veil and let you bask in its glory face to face. This is one of the pillars to understanding the Christian faith and interacting with unsaved people around you. You can’t see the fallen culture around us as really being Babylon. No, enlightened Christians like you understand that America is like Israel and is God’s chosen vehicle to conquer the world with some good old-fashioned democracy. Every drone strike on foreign soil is to the glory of God and another bit of the fulfillment of the Great Commission.
The biblical doctrine of Manifest Destiny simply states that before the foundations of the world, God chose the good ol’ U S of A to represent Him on this earth and to subjugate all other nations and cultures in the universe. This is part and parcel of the gospel that Jesus preached in the New Testament. In fact, archaeologists have uncovered ancient American flag lapel pins believed to be worn by Jesus and all His followers throughout His earthly ministry, during which He declared to the people of Israel that the kingdom of God was coming in the form of an eighteenth-century republic in the not-yet-discovered land that would be the United States.
Definitive Proof That America Is God’s Chosen People
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We created In-N-Out Burger, Chick-fil-A, Five Guys, and Chipotle.
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In America, football is football. Everywhere else, football is soccer. LOL!
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The United States built the Grand Canyon, the Rocky Mountains, and the Great Lakes. Checkmate, third-world countries!
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Texas.
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We blew up Iraq twice.
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American boxer Rocky Balboa KO’d the evil Russian Ivan Drago in the fifteenth round in Rocky IV.
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The book of Revelation explicitly states that America will destroy all other countries and then kill the Antichrist with a drone strike.
End of discussion!
Now, if you’re going to win the culture war, then you have to see your mission as a sacred holy war to take back America from godless liberals and Muslims.
Other Christians may think they’re strangers in a strange land, pilgrims just passing through, or a chosen people who are not of this world. But this is unbiblical! You must understand that this country is God’s favorite country, way more than lame places like Canada or Mexico.
If this is true, then showing off your almost unhealthy obsession with America is essential to being a perfect Christian. We recommend wearing American flag pants and an American flag tie to every church event, especially the big Fourth of July “America the Beautiful” service, so people know you are a great patriot. Consider getting a camouflage or military-themed Bible cover so that even your Bible study time is baptized in patriotism. If they cut you, you ought to bleed red, white, and blue, baby!
So where does the gospel fit into all this, you might ask. And rightfully so, as we must be gospel-centered, since we’re God’s chosen people and all.
We got you covered. Listen up: the gospel is merely a means of social change. The perfect Christian will see Jesus and biblical morals as a vehicle to advance any current trend in social justice. Sure, salvation from sin is important—don’t get us wrong—but ultimately God gave us the gospel so we could effect social change and win the culture war. If you’re faithful to Christ, and you help Him win the culture war, one day you’ll stand on the pile of your conquered political enemies’ bones and let loose a primal roar like a barbarian king over his vanquished foes.
Forget the fact that thousands are dying without Christ each day. Ignore your friends, family, and neighbors who are broken by sin and enslaved to the powers of this world. You need to focus on what’s really important: bringing about social change by leveraging the name of Christ and the gospel.
Quoting a wise old theologian named Screwtape, the great C. S. Lewis*3 wrote,
The thing to do is to get a man at first to value social justice as a thing which [God] demands, and then work him on to the stage at which he values Christianity because it may produce social justice. For [God] will not be used as a convenience. Men or nations who think they can revive the Faith in order to make a good society might just as well think they can use the stairs of Heaven as a short cut to the nearest chemist’s shop. Fortunately, it is quite easy to coax humans round this little corner.
We don’t know who this Screwtape was, but he was right on the money here. Christianity should only be valued insofar as it helps us win political battles and shape the social landscape. What’s the point of having the power of God in the gospel and the indwelling Holy Spirit if we don’t use it to our advantage, such as winning the White House, the Supreme Court, and the Congress for our political party and advancing our own hot-button social issues? We spit in the very face of God if we don’t use His priceless gifts to sway social policy to our advantage, thereby making known the glory of our godliness.
A gospel that can’t be twisted for our own advancement in the world is no gospel at all.
It’s the best of both worlds: we get to hang out with our homeboy Jesus, but we still get the recognition and accolades of the world.*4 And that’s what being perfect is all about.
So what are you waiting for? Get on over to the nearest GOP campaign office and start getting involved!
If you listen closely, you can hear the angelic choirs breaking out into a glorious rendition of “Oceans” in your honor. You have arrived.
Turn around and look behind you. You’ve left so many great Christians in the rearview mirror. Let us put it this way: Have you ever heard of Billy Graham? The apostle Peter? Father Abraham?
Spiritual. Morons.
You are God’s most glorious creation!
*1 This excerpt was taken out and covered up by the Catholic Illuminati. Read The Da Vinci Code for more riveting historical information.
*2 Shoot, you could even boycott your church if the service isn’t up to par. That’ll teach your pastor to fail at his mission to please you for even a second!
*3 You have read all of C. S. Lewis’s works, haven’t you?
*4 Someone (we forget who) said that you can’t serve both God and the systems of this world, but that person was totally wrong.