1692

4th Day

Last First Day as I was leaving Meeting I was waylaid most unexpectedly. The African joiner Charles Spearmint bore down on me as tho’ to speak to me, and then thinking better of it (as we were still in sight of the Friends) tack’d and instead follow’d me at some Distance as I walk’d homeward toward the Point. I did not think he meant me any Mischief and so when I turn’d down Chestnut Street, I stopp’d and waited for him to reach me. He thank’d me, begg’d my pardon, call’d me Miss Selwyn, said he wish’d to speak with me on an important Matter, and might he have permission to Call on me at a Time convenient to us both.

I have often noted him sitting amongst the African men at Meeting. He is accounted a fine Joiner and an honest man. Father I know treated with him to make the Clothes press in his and Mother’s room, and the Settle in the kitchen is I believe his handiwork. He was brought up in his Trade by Philip Sumner, who when he died, being without Issue, left him his Workshop, which action I remember Father saying did raise some Brows in the city. As a freeman he named himself Charles (after the King that was then, I believe), but most do still call him Spearmint.

And now we have had our Interview, and what an extraordinary Interview it was!

He came as we had appointed. It was snowing, and he wore no hat, and the Snowflakes were all about his Negroe hair. And as we sat in the Parlour, the snow would melt and trickle down his forehead and neck and he was forever wiping himself.

He seem’d surpriz’d that I bid him into the Parlour, that we did not stay in the Kitchen. But he is a Freeman, is he not?

He spoke in a most grave manner and treated with me as an Adult. This made me uneasy, and at first I could not understand him, for tho’ he speaks as we do and not in the language of the Islands (as does Ashes when she wishes to annoy!), yet he would circle round and round so that I had some Difficulty following him. He spoke of a most involv’d Plan, and did go on so, and did not give me a moment to approach what he meant so that I felt beleaguer’d and forc’d to halt him that I might ask questions. I realize now that his circling was a Consequence of his own Anxiousness, coming to me on a Subject so important to him, and so much and for so long in his thoughts. Yet at the time I was so whelm’d by the News and his manner, and the feel of the world, already so chang’d! yet changing more.

But this is the Case: It seems he did come to Father six months past and presented him with the very same offer he describ’d to me today. I am most amaz’d at it! For he wishes to sell himself back into Slavery that he might purchase Ashes as his Wife! He did not say it in these Words, yet that is what it comes to. I am to understand that he had from Father a Price for Ashes, and since he has not that Price, he laid out a Plan by which he would Indenture himself to Father for seven Years, giving to Father some percentage of his Wages from his Trade, that at the end of the Term, he would have paid the Price and Ashes would be a free woman and they might marry. Or rather, if I understood rightly, they would have already married, as servants, been married those seven years, but they would at the end of the Term be the both of them free. Oh, I am in a mix, and cannot write clearly.

Seven years, as did Jacob for love of Rachel!

What to think? How to act? Might this not solve the Difficulty Dorcas and I find ourselves in? Would not that seven years of Income help keep us? Spearmint holds that Father, before he embark’d on this last voyage to the Islands, did tell him that he would think on his Offer and give him an Answer when he return’d. Yet the African said this in such a Manner that I wonder’d was it the Truth? And had not Father turn’d him down firstly? This may be unfair of me, for Spearmint is accounted a most upright man. And he is a Friend, tho’ African. Yet I could not help but feel that he came to me to renew a Suit that had already been refus’d. He sees that Circumstances have chang’d and has suppos’d that I know nothing of the Matter and that I am in a Strait and he may expect a better answer.

But what of that? Must I abide by Father’s decision? Am I bound to keep the house as it was, as I hear some do keep a token of their dead undisturb’d? Would Father not rather want me to look about myself, to judge the World as it goes westerly, and set a Course the most favourable to me and mine?

6th Day

From the window in Mother and Father’s room I can see down to the Harbor, and sometimes I can make out John Pettibone on his father’s wharf moving some lading about, rolling a cask, or going up the gang with a wheel-barrow. He has this last six-month grown lanky and strong, I think. And though I upbraid myself for spending my time so, and scold myself that I must go to the window each day—and aye, sometimes more than once!—yet it seems I cannot help myself. At the sight of him, I feel a most warm Desolation. Aye, that is the feeling, both Desolate and Warm.

5th Day, 1 x mo.

I cannot help but look at Ashes now with new eyes. That she has inspir’d such love! She with her scarr’d face!

I am left to wonder how Spearmint and Ashes have been meeting one another. For I cannot believe this love of his has generated itself by merely seeing Ashes once a week across the Meeting Room! I lay in bed last night and my Thoughts would whirl so! I thought of little times when she was out on an Errand and seem’d to take too long. It is but a five minute walk to his joiner’s Shop where it sits north of the Point. How often has she gone there?

All day today Ashes went about as she has always done. She did not speak or sign in any way that she knows I have been approach’d. Is she so practic’d in double dealing?

I have pictures in my head of them meeting. Of their intent Countenances. Their low Speech. Their hands press’d together.

How they have baked together this Sugar work of a Future!

7th Day

I had a new thought (much to my Shame as I will record!) that it was possible Ashes did not know either of Spearmint’s offer or of his Affections for her. That he had come to buy her without her knowing, without her Consent, as those of the slave trade do. And once he had bought her he would have her, will she or no. Would that not explain what appeared to be her Deceitfulness? For it was none such, if this were so.

All morning I tried to ask her. We were about our work in the kitchen, cleaning the Lisbon ware, and Dorcas was there on the floor, and I kept looking at Ashes as if she might supply me the wanted Courage. But I scrupled to ask such a question. It seem’d too (I know not what!), too great a Trespass even if I am her Mistress. And I thought too that before I spoke to her of the Matter I should have my Answer settl’d as to Spearmint’s Offer, for the case may be that she does know of it, and desires it.

In the afternoon, I retir’d and pray’d that I might labor toward Wisdom, but I felt no Light. I had only my own Confusion, and not only about this present Matter, but of my own Life. I sat at the Window in my room and look’d through the diamond Panes out at the Yard, and at Jane Beecher’s, and I long’d to go to her and seek Comfort from her. For I felt most alone and overwhelm’d and she is so strong. She has said she would be as a Man to me and I had need then of such a one. But I did not go. I sat in the cold with a blanket about me and tho’ I yearn’d for Light yet all I saw was Darknesse. Still, I weigh’d things as I knew Father would have me do, and slowly I determin’d that if I could not ask Ashes what was the Truth, yet I might go to Spearmint and ask him. He had come to me with a Business offer and I might wish to clarify certain Terms or Prospects. And this planned Course of Action, even just the having of it, did somewhat set my mind at ease.

So I charg’d myself with going the next morning. Yet hardly was I back downstairs than I found myself putting on my Cloak and strapping on my Pattens. For I determin’d I would go then and there and know the Issue.

I made my way northward through the Point toward where I knew his joiner’s Shop to be. The door was open’d by an African boy (I had not consider’d that there might be Apprentices), and I was bid enter. Inside I took off my cloak and pattens. Spearmint betray’d some Agitation at the sudden sight of me, but he master’d himself and ask’d did I wish to step into the room next over for I had come to the Shop itself with its Benches and Tools and the floor cover’d in curly Shavings. I said no, we could speak here. There was a set of six Chairs with ladder-backs that were evidently his current work and he drew one across the floor and set it behind me and placed a short Plank across the seat which still lack’d its woven rush. He did this with something of a smile, I thought, as if it were a droll thing. He told the boys (for there were two of them) that they might retire as it was growing dusky. One of them, the one who had open’d the door, was about my age. I believe I have seen him at Meeting.

I began by saying I had not yet come to a Decision, for I did not want him to labor under an Anxiety during the whole of our Interview. I ask’d him again what Father had said to him, expressing to him that it was not like Father to put off a Decision. He repeated (I thought with some Pique at what he must have consider’d my Disbelief of him) that Father had set a figure for Ashes and had listen’d to his Suit with respectful Deliberation, and had said he would think on it, but that this close Voyage to the Islands would prevent him Answering until his Return. I thank’d him and answer’d that that was what I had understood him to say the other day. This was but Dancing on my part for I wanted to Veil my reasons for coming. We had more of the like. He return’d each of my questions with Consideration and Patience. Finally I ask’d had he discuss’d the Matter with Ashes? Was he in the habit of seeing her? He ask’d then, in return, what did I mean, which fluster’d me somewhat as I thought the Question clear. I ask’d yet more plainly, did Ashes wish to be his Wife? He said then that he believ’d Ashes return’d his Affections, that they saw one another on First Day, and elsewhere when they could. I thought there might yet be some Evasion in that, so I ask’d did she favor this Plan of his, that he should sell himself that her Freedom might be bought.

It was then that the first Cloud cross’d his Countenance. No, she did not, he said plainly. Ah, I said, then she does not wish to marry. He look’d at me then as if he marvel’d at what I could mean. It was not that she did not wish to marry, he explain’d, but that she did not wish the State of Servitude on him. He had been a Slave once and having had those Fetters once untied, she would not have him resume them. And then as I was silent, he said he believ’d it was a Testament to her Love toward him that she would not have him back in Bondage.

I continued with questions: oh, I know not what, about where he imagin’d he would live, how could his Apprentices have an indentur’d Master, and the like. But I was just Acting. For I felt a Confusion and a Shame running through me and I thought my Face redden’d even as I sat there. I stumbl’d through to the end of the Interview, telling him I had been in a Mix the other day, so surpriz’d was I by his coming, and thanking him for this further Talk which would allow me to think on the Matter more clearly. I must have look’d a Fool, for when I left, tho’ I threw on my Cloak yet I neglected to put on my pattens, something I realiz’d the Instant I was back out in the muddy thoroughfare, but I could not turn back, and set off through the streets, my thoughts sinking downward.

For it seem’d to me that I had exercis’d a kind of Meanness toward Charles Spearmint, or at best a shameful lack of Charity. For who was it, I ask’d myself, who conceiv’d such a doubling Scheme as his getting a Wife by buying one who did not wish it? Whose scheming mind was that? Aye, it was Prudy Selwyn’s mind! Evil be to him who thinks evil, as Father has so often said. For was not my Judgment reveal’d then as a deceitful Balance as we hear some cheating Merchants use? And he an African and I a New Englander for the further Shame of it!

I did not return home then, but rather walk’d down to the Wharves in the gloaming that I might sink further into the Dark. I look’d out at the bobbing masts, and the gray and cold Ocean beyond, and I wonder’d whether I was a Friend at all, for so scarce was God’s Light in me. I had always felt it a shameful Secret that I did not experience, or so rarely experienc’d, the Goodness and Clarity I did hear about in Meeting. Yet I accounted it my Youth, and that in time God would grant me an Influx of Light that would reside in me and not go out in the next Instant as it seem’d always to do. But now in this dark Humour I batter’d myself with Questions. Why was God so stinting of His Light to me when He gave it so readily to others? Why did He not help me see the Good? Why, when it was left to itself, had my Mind entertain’d such base Suspicions? What could it be but that God did not watch over me, that He did not Love me, that He did not see me worthy of His Love and of His Light? Oh, I spent an Hour in the most abas’d State!

Now, writing in my room, I am somewhat recover’d. Yet there is this with which I must reckon: Ashes is belov’d of Charles Spearmint, and Charles Spearmint is belov’d of Ashes, and Each nobly looks to save the Other.