“This place is driving me crazy,” Lucas said, as they sat at the counter at Shecky’s Burger Shack, waiting for the food he’d ordered. It was a warm late-spring evening, perfect for dining al fresco on the lush lawns of Carlisle, and the burger joint buzzed with students ordering takeout. The festive atmosphere was at odds with the dejected look on Lucas’s face.
“Shecky’s?” Kate asked, between sips of a vanilla milkshake.
“No, not Shecky’s. Carlisle.”
“What are you talking about?”
“It’s like this sick social experiment. All these different types of kids. Rich, poor, black, white, smart, jocks, idiots, whack jobs. They throw us in the deep end and expect us to swim. If we drown, that’s actually a good thing as far as Carlisle is concerned. They winnow out the weak links.”
“You can’t blame Carlisle for everybody’s problems. Look at me. I was fucked up before I ever walked through Briggs Gate.”
Even a week or two ago, Lucas would have laughed at that comment, and leaned in for a vanilla-flavored kiss. They would have sat at the counter making out until the manager told them to knock it off or get a room. Now Lucas just stared at her sullenly. He had asked her to meet him here tonight because he had something to tell her. Another girl would worry that he planned to break up. But no guy had ever broken up with Kate Eastman before.
“What was it you wanted to tell me?” she asked.
He wouldn’t meet her eyes. “Look, this term has been hard on me, what with my injury, facing up to the end of my athletic career.”
“At least they’re not taking your money away.”
“No, I mean, it’s an Ivy. The financial aid is mine to keep. But I told you before, hockey’s who I am. Without it, I don’t know what to do with myself.”
“Babe, you need to relax, take your mind off it. I scored an eight-ball last night. We could go somewhere and snort it and fool around.”
“I don’t want to get high, Kate. It just messes me up worse.”
The skinny kid handed Lucas the bag with his food, giving them both a searching look. The kid bugged her. He was always watching.
“Whatever, if that’s how you want to play it,” she said, trying not to sound too annoyed. But she was annoyed. From the start, Kate had been attracted to Lucas’s moodiness—the clouds in his eyes, the disappearing act he pulled when she wanted him most. Add the jocky looks and townie pedigree, and Lucas was her dreamboat small-town hunk. Most guys bored her fast, but Lucas stayed interesting. She hoped he wasn’t about to turn needy and draining. She had enough of that from crazy Aubrey, who was a basket case these days.
“Look, it’s not just Carlisle getting me down,” Lucas said. “Ever since I’ve been with you, I’m doing too many drugs. I’m losing my grip.”
Kate sighed irritably. “So don’t get high. It’s your choice. Don’t put it on me.”
“I need a break, Kate.”
“A break? Wait a minute, are you breaking up with me?” she asked in astonishment. The skinny kid, who’d been mopping the counter next to them with a limp rag, turned and stared.
“Mind your business,” she hissed at him. “Why are you so obsessed with me? You’re like a goddamn Peeping Tom.”
“Leave Timmy out of this. Let’s go somewhere we can talk,” Lucas said.
“Fine! I hate this fucking place.”
“Give me a minute.”
The skinny kid had gone back to the cash register to take an order from some Omega Chi girls Kate knew. They were dressed to the nines, on the way to some party, stinking up the place with their clouds of perfume. They waved at Kate and she waved back, flashing a smile so fake it was like a death grimace. Kate reached into her pocket and pulled out the baggie she’d scored the night before from Rudy down the hall, who was from Corona and had mad connections. Lucas was acting weird and stressing her out. A little bump would smooth things over. She snorted it off her pinkie fingernail, sniffed hard, and relished the rush.
Lucas walked over and had a brief conversation with the skinny kid, who reached into his pocket and handed Lucas his car keys.
The Omega Chi girls made whooping noises as Kate walked out with Lucas.
“Who’s the hottie, Eastman?” one of them yelled.
“I recognize him. He’s a hockey player,” another one said.
Kate let the door slam behind her. She saw the disgusted look on Lucas’s face. “Oh, please, I’m not like them,” she said.
An old rusted-out Subaru was parked in the alley behind the restaurant. Lucas unlocked the passenger door and opened it for Kate. Wadded-up Sheckyburger wrappers littered the floor. The backseat was piled high with schoolbooks and sports equipment. The engine started with a whine that didn’t sound good, and Lucas pulled out of the alley onto Palliser Street, which ran parallel to College. He took a back route Kate was not familiar with. She didn’t know where they were going, and she didn’t care. She was pissed. Who the hell did this townie fucking nobody think he was, breaking up with Kate Eastman? She’d blown off Griff Rothenberg for this guy—Griff, with his house in St. Bart’s and his private jet, easy on the eyes to boot—and now Lucas had the audacity to dump her? No way. No fucking way. The coke made her feel like she could arrange the world how she wanted, and she wanted Lucas. She wasn’t done with him yet. Nope, not done with his mouth, his eyes, his body. She was hung up on the boy, and she was keeping him till she got tired of him. End of story.
“Lucas, listen,” she said, soothingly. “You’re freaked out about not playing hockey. I get it. But this has nothing to do with me or what drugs I do. There’s no need to break up over this.”
“I need to get my head straight, okay? I’m taking next year off. I’m gonna live at home and work for my uncle’s construction business. He needs somebody to help out with landscaping, and I need time away from this place, before it kills me.”
“Wait, you’re taking a year off from Carlisle?”
“Yes.”
“To mow lawns?”
“Yes, okay? So I’m beneath you, we can agree on that. I knew you wouldn’t understand.”
“Stop with the victim routine. If I don’t understand, then explain it to me.”
“You either get it or you don’t.”
“Would you just try, for Chrissakes. This isn’t fair.”
“I need time, okay? I’m in a bad place mentally, and I need to figure out why. Am I just messed up because of losing hockey? Is it this place? I mean, we can agree—we have agreed—that Carlisle sucks shit.”
“Yes and no,” Kate allowed.
“Okay, but then there’s this other possibility. Maybe—just maybe—you’re too much for me to handle. When I’m around you, I lose myself. I do things I wouldn’t normally do.”
He glanced at her. She saw need and fear in his eyes, and she liked it. She put her hand on his thigh—it was hard and solid and alive—and felt him shiver.
“Come on, babe, admit it,” she said, her voice full of come-hither promise. “You love what we do. You love every second. It’s not my fault that you’re obsessed with me.”
She inched her hand further up his leg, and he leaned back, opening himself to her touch. When she got where she was going, he nearly ran off the road.
“Stop it, I’ll crash,” he said, shaking her hand off as he righted the car.
“Serve you right.”
They retreated to their corners and took deep breaths.
“Hey,” she said, “can we just forget all this angsty bullshit and go somewhere and screw? You don’t have to get high if you don’t want to. I won’t, even.”
She didn’t need to, because she already was. The coke made her see things very clearly. Lucas could be managed, with words and with sex, like any man. They were speeding down the river road, fat bugs splatting on the windshield. The road looked familiar. She realized they’d been here before, in a different season.
“Huh,” Kate said, grinning. “What do you know? This is the place we went to that night, right? When we listened to the ice on the river.”
“Yeah.”
“Well, all right.”
Their crazy fling had started here. They would return to that deserted parking lot, and she would do things to him that would change his mind. Simple.
But when they pulled into the gravel parking lot by the river, it was crowded. Kate shouldn’t have been surprised. Back then it had been pitch dark and below zero; now it was a sultry late-spring evening. Still, she was pissed off that strangers had invaded their special place. Kids ran around the parking lot screaming with excitement. A couple of teenagers pulled a canoe from the bed of a pickup truck. One of them waved to Lucas.
“Who’s that?” she asked.
“A bud from high school,” Lucas said.
“So much for private. It’s a goddamn zoo.”
“I know where we can go to be alone, but it’s kind of a walk,” Lucas said.
“Fine. I have feet.”
He leaned across her and rummaged in the glove compartment for a flashlight, which he stuck in the back pocket of his jeans. “Come on.”
They exited the car, and Kate breathed in the scent of evergreens and mud. Everything felt so intense. The air rang with the sounds of frogs and crickets. The sun was a gassy yellow ball hanging low over the river. The day had been humid and lush, a first taste of summer, but here by the water, the air had an edge of chill. The temperature would plummet when the sun went down. At moments like this, Lucas seemed exotic to her. The boulevards of Paris were old hat to Kate, but a parking lot in the north woods was new, full of possibility. She would not let him go. Not when he filled her senses like this. Whatever it took to change his mind, she would do it—anything.
Instead of following the signs to the sandy beach and boat launch, Lucas led her to a dirt path that hugged the riverbank. A notice at the trailhead warned, Trail not maintained. Proceed at your own risk, which delighted her. Kate wore flip-flops with her cutoffs and tank top, and ignored the brambles and pebbles that assaulted her feet as she clambered quickly up and over the trunk of a fallen tree at the path’s mouth. Lucas slipped ahead of her, holding back branches as they progressed so they wouldn’t spring back and hit her in the face. The path was narrow, crossed every few feet by the gnarled roots of giant evergreens. To their left, the forest was a dense wall. To their right, the ground dropped off steeply to the river. Kate looked down and the vertigo thrilled her. One wrong step and you’d tumble, rolling head over heels through sharp granite outcroppings and the broken-off spikes of tree stumps till you hit the steel-colored water forty feet below. Nothing like the threat of death to make you feel alive.
After a few minutes, the path began to climb upward. Sweat trickled down Kate’s back, and Lucas’s T-shirt clung to his body. Kate’s eyes lingered on him as he walked ahead of her, to the point that she lost her footing and stumbled, catching herself before she tumbled down the cliff.
Five minutes in, she asked how much longer.
“Just a little ways.”
“We’re all alone. Why not stop here?” she said. Beside the path, a fallen tree beckoned, perfectly horizontal and covered with cushiony moss. They could lay their clothes down and have the perfect bed. The sight of him was too much. She wanted him now, wanted to feel his smooth skin against hers as the humid afternoon cooled to dusk.
“The old railroad bridge is just ahead.”
“Oh. That place the kids jump off of? You told me about that.”
“We can talk better there. It’s overgrown, and it makes a sort of shelter. Like a tree house. Come on.”
They walked faster. The thought of that epic jump urged Kate on. That’s how she would win him back. They’d hold hands and step into the abyss together. Feel the rush of air as they fell through space, and the shock of the icy water when they hit. She wanted to come to the surface beside him, swim to the riverbank and peel his clothes off.
Within a few minutes, the path curved sharply and opened onto a wide vista of the river. Kate’s breath caught at the sight of the ruined bridge. Two stone supports rose from murky water, holding up two wooden spans that had once joined in the middle, each surmounted by the spectral remains of an arch. The entire central portion of the bridge had collapsed away to nothing. Just empty air. A train trying to cross would cascade down into the water, car by car, and get swept away by the current. She could hear the powerful rush of water from way up here.
They stepped off the path and onto the bridge, walking carefully between the rusty tracks and rotted boards. Trees had taken root at the foot of the bridge and grown up all around it. Vines and weeds rose from the bank out onto the wooden trestle and climbed the metal posts, where they spread out, lush as a Cambodian jungle, and formed a green bower. As Kate moved forward toward the garden alcove, Lucas’s arm shot out and stopped her. She looked down at the chasm yawning at her feet and gasped. They had come farther than she realized, near to the point where the bridge fell away, leaving nothing but air between her and the water.
“Careful,” he said, and their eyes met. Her heart pounded, with adrenaline and with lust.
“I love it here,” she whispered.
Her fingers closed on the smooth skin of his arm. She pulled him closer, and their lips met. Her mouth moved down his neck to the hollow of his collarbone where a pulse beat. His skin tasted of salt and smelled warm, like the sun baking on a beach blanket.
He pulled her away. “This isn’t why I brought you here. We need to talk.”
Lucas pulled her into an area where the leafy curtain was the thickest. The spot was well used, and they stepped over the detritus of other people’s hookups—condom wrappers, beer bottles, cigarette butts. Lucas cleared a space for them, kicking the trash over to the knife’s edge where the bridge ended, and launching it down into the water. When the garbage was gone, he stripped off his T-shirt and swiped at the floor, whisking away any last specks. She watched his back as he moved, the smooth expanse, the power of it. When he was satisfied that the floor was clean, he shook out the T-shirt, then laid it down like a blanket.
“Sit down, let’s talk.”
“Oh, with your shirt off. I know what you want. The same thing as every other boy.”
“Fine, I’ll put it back on and you can sit on the tracks. I was trying to be a gentleman about it.”
“About breaking up with me?”
“Like I said, I need some head space.”
“It’s not me, it’s you?”
“Exactly.”
“Do you know what a fucking cliché that is?”
“Yeah, I get it, I’m a cliché.”
She felt short of breath and shaky. Desperate, on the verge of tears. Was it the coke, or was it Lucas? Kate cried rarely. It was an unusual sensation for her, and she didn’t like it.
“There are things I could do for you,” she began.
She knelt on the T-shirt beside him, took his face in her hands, and lifted her mouth to his.
“This won’t change anything,” he said, but his body relaxed under her touch, and his mouth opened.
He couldn’t mean it. He gave in to the kiss too enthusiastically. She ran her hands down his broad back and settled them on the backside of his jeans, pulling him tight against her and shifting to straddle him. His body couldn’t lie: he was hard already. His mouth was hot on her skin, and his hands were urgent as he tore at her clothes. He pushed her backward, and she cried out as he yanked off her panties and plunged into her. With the leaves rustling in the hot breeze, Kate felt like she was living some other girl’s life. This is what it would be like if she’d been born in Belle River, with a normal family, and Lucas was her sweetheart. She would feel joy, she would be able to love someone, tears would wet her cheeks as they made love. But this was a dream, an interlude. She wasn’t from here, she wasn’t like that, and this thing with Lucas was over already.
When they had finished, he rolled off her, and they lay apart, the cooling air taking the heat from their skin. Kate turned her head and gazed at the open sky, where the gap between the broken trestles yawned, mere feet away. The sun had set, but the moon hadn’t risen yet, and stars were just appearing in the heavens. High up in her bower, she could hear the rush of the river and the noise from the highway that ran along the opposite bank. All those people going about their business, unaware that she was lying here with Lucas, both of them spent and panting. This couldn’t be the last time. She wouldn’t allow it.
Kate sat up and crossed her arms, hugging herself against the chill. She reached for her cutoffs, pulled out the baggie, and did another bump for courage. She had to change his mind somehow.
“I thought you said no drugs,” Lucas said.
“That was before.”
“Before what?”
She didn’t reply, but stopped to listen to the water rushing below. As the coke hit her bloodstream, she felt it in her toes, her eyeballs, the ends of her hair. She was at one with this place, with its power and its beauty. She was strong. And she had an idea.
“I want to do the jump,” she said.
Lucas cocked his head like she was crazy. “Are you nuts? It’s wicked cold.”
“It was almost eighty degrees today.”
“I’m talking about water temperature. Ice-out came late this year. The water’s still below freezing. I mean, take a look, there’s still ice along the edges.”
“Don’t be a wuss. Jump with me. We’ll hold hands.”
He sat up and watched as she dressed. She moved more languorously with his eyes on her, certain that she could bend him to her will by showing him something he liked. Men were so visual, after all.
“Where’s the primo spot to jump from—just right here, where the bridge ends?” she asked.
“I’m telling you, you can’t swim in the Belle at this time of year for more than a few minutes without cramping up. Trying to jump now would be epically stupid.”
“Stupidity never stopped me before, and I’m quite sure it never stopped you.”
He made an exasperated noise, then stood up and started pulling his clothes on. Darkness was falling hard. Lucas flicked on the flashlight and finished dressing in its glow.
“Where are you going?” she asked, a quiver of alarm in her voice.
“Home. You want a ride back to the Quad, fine, but then we’re done.”
“But—we just had sex. And you liked it, I know you did.”
“I always like it with you. That doesn’t make us right. Go back to your rich boyfriend. He’s the one for you. You can abuse him and he won’t complain, he’ll pay for your coke. It’s perfect. I don’t know why you can’t see that.”
“Lucas, I didn’t mean to say you were stupid. I’m sorry if it came out wrong. Lucas, please!”
He tried to move past her but she grabbed at his arm. The flashlight flew from his hands, bouncing once and flying off the edge of the bridge. The water was so far below that they heard no splash. Lucas exclaimed in alarm. Kate peeked over the edge and got a sick, excited fluttering in her stomach. In the fading light, the water below looked black instead of silver. She could hear the roar, and see the sparkle of light on water. She saw the force of the current.
“Jesus. Be careful,” he said.
“What if I want to jump?” Kate said, her voice full of sick excitement. The world felt off kilter, and her instincts said to lean into that feeling, to welcome it. If she couldn’t have Lucas, they could both jump, and let the chips fall where they may. Maybe they’d live, maybe they’d die, but they’d be together.
“You’re crazier than I thought,” he said.
“Kate!”
The shout rang out from the path behind them, startling them both. For a terrible instant, Kate lost her balance and tottered, arms helicoptering, much too close to the edge, until Lucas grabbed her. She felt the electricity in his arms as they stepped back from the brink. The two of them were connected, in fear, in excitement, and she loved the sensation. Kate turned toward the voice. Aubrey stood at the foot of the bridge, her tall, pale form lit up against the backdrop of dark trees. Just what Kate needed. Her loser roommate showing up at the critical moment when she and Lucas were about to get somewhere ultimate. Aubrey would ruin it.
“What the hell is she doing here?” Lucas said.
“I’ll get rid of her,” Kate said under her breath.
“He’s breaking up with you, isn’t he?” Aubrey said, coming toward them.
“No, he is not. You don’t have the first fucking clue about it. How did you find us?” Kate demanded.
“Timmy told me.” When Kate looked blank, Aubrey said, “The kid from Shecky’s. I rode my bike all the way from town. I knew you would need me, Kate.”
“I don’t need you. Lucas and I want to be alone, so go away.”
“Your roommate’s right, Kate,” Lucas said. “I said what I came to say. Enough already, I’m out of here.”
“No!” Kate cried. She turned on Aubrey. “Get out of here, you psycho bitch! You’re ruining everything.”
“Kate, he’s just some townie asshole. He doesn’t matter. Don’t you see?”
“He’s the only thing that matters. Get lost. Get out of here!”
“Face it,” Aubrey said cruelly, “he doesn’t want you. But it’s okay. This place is perfect. We can jump, we can stick it to them all. We can end it, just like you and Maggie planned,” Aubrey said.
“Leave Maggie out of this,” Kate said.
“Who’s Maggie?” Lucas said.
Kate motioned to the tattoo on her wrist. “My best friend from high school who died. Remember? I told you about her.”
“The one who OD’d?” Lucas said. “Wait a minute, did she kill herself? Is that why you’re so keen to jump? You want to off yourself, and take me with you? God, I’m sick of all you Carlisle freaks. You’re all crazy.”
“Don’t talk to me like that,” Kate said, turning on Lucas, hysteria building in her voice.
Aubrey’s mention of Maggie had knocked something loose inside her, something terrible and dark, that had been building all night. The people Kate loved always left her. Her mother, Maggie. Lucas was trying to walk out on her, too. She couldn’t let that happen. She would be so alone. She would have nothing. She refused.
Lucas shook his head disgustedly and tried again to walk past Kate. She grabbed his arm with both hands, and held tight.
Her eyes were wild. “Lucas, you’re not leaving. We’re not done. I have more to show you,” she cried.
“You don’t own me, rich girl. Let go.”
Lucas tried to shake her off, but Kate’s grip was superhuman.
“Let go, I said, you crazy bitch.”
He pried her hands loose forcibly, but instead of retreating, she advanced, striking and clawing at him wildly. Lucas shrank back and raised his fists to his face, like a boxer on the ropes.
“Stop it! Stop, you’re out of control.”
“Don’t … you … leave … me!” Kate screamed, scratching at him with her long nails.
She couldn’t stop hitting him. He’d hurt her, she’d hurt him back. Lucas hunched over and stepped back to escape the onslaught of Kate’s fists. Her field of vision filled with rage, and she forgot everything. She forgot that Aubrey was standing there watching. She forgot that there was a giant abyss where the bridge had once been right behind Lucas’s feet. She was not aware that two more people had arrived at the bridge; she didn’t hear them shout at her to stop, to watch out, to be careful. Kate saw and heard nothing except for Lucas and the rush of blood in her ears. Focused on him as she was, she did see the moment when his foot found only open air and he began to slip backward. Oh, she remembered the gap then. Hidden in her panic was a rush of satisfaction. A wild fear spread across Lucas’s face as he began to fall, and Kate thought—in the split second before she started to scream—you’ll be sorry now.