“If we didn’t have the struggles that we have had, the challenges, and the pushes, we would never develop our character. Our character is coming from those times when we didn’t believe we could do it, but we did it anyway, and we fought our way through. In that struggle, we developed our character and our strength.”
— Brendon Burchard, interview with Dean Graziosi
Each and every one of us has a story—or many stories—that has shaped our lives. At its core, your story is where you live, emotionally, mentally, and sometimes even physically. Your story can either be the wind behind your sails or the anchor that is weighing you down.
Our inner villain tells us the stories that hold us back. If you’ll recall the ways in which that villain sabotages us, you’ll understand that he does so by telling us those stories again and again—stories that we believe are fact, even when they’re nothing of the sort. What we need to do is figure out what stories we should be telling ourselves—the ones aligned with the new vision we have for our lives, the ones that enable us to leave our old story in the past.
The habit of aligning your story with your vision takes a little work. But aren’t your wealth, happiness, and future success worth a little effort now for a better tomorrow? Of course they are. So get engaged, roll up your sleeves, and let’s do the work together. In this chapter we’re going to uncover the story or stories that you tell yourself and how even the seemingly harmless ones may be holding you back and limiting your full potential. And our first step is to understand why you tell yourself and other people certain stories. Once you gain this understanding, you’ll learn how to switch that story from a limiting, disempowering one that’s robbing you of your confidence to one that can take you to the moon and beyond.
GENA’S STORY
One of my students, Gena, is an amazing lady who eventually became a dear friend. When I met Gena, she had a very specific story she told herself about who she was at that point in her life and who she believed she could be at some point in the future. But before telling her “story,” let me give you some background about who Gena used to be.
She was a stay-at-home mom, and an amazing one at that. While her husband worked hard outside the house at his job, Gena ran the household and managed the family with great diligence: organizing, scheduling, taking care of her husband, Nick, giving piano lessons to make some extra money when she could, and basically being supermom. And Gena enjoyed this role immensely. In the back of her mind, she sometimes thought that she had deferred her dreams and goals in order to make sure her family was solid and secure. We all question our choices at times. But for all intents and purposes, Gena was happy with her chosen role. What would eventually make her unhappy, though, was the inner villain who used this lifestyle choice to create a story in Gena’s mind that would become debilitating and cause her to question everything.
A big shift occurred when, one by one, Gena’s kids started going off to college and finding their independence. One daughter married a great guy, and Gena was blissfully happy over this event, as well as her other children’s accomplishments. Simultaneously, however, her inner villain created a much different story and a negative emotional state. And when her husband, Nick, came to her and said, “We need to make some extra money to handle the escalating costs of college and our daughters’ weddings,” Gena’s old “story” gained power. This old story went something like this:
At 60 years old I have done what I was put on this earth to do and was the best wife and mother I could be. I supported my family at every turn. But now that job has come to an end. Now I’m old, lonely, and with nothing of significance to do anymore. As my friends say, this is the time in life to wind down, to cherish the past, and to spend less so we can make it through until the end. I have no special skills, so hopefully I can make some extra money teaching more piano lessons, or maybe by being a greeter at the local department store. This is a youth-based society and there is no way an older woman like me could do anything of significance. Well, at least I did a great job as a mom.
This story isn’t that bad, is it? Actually, it’s worse than bad—it’s horrific! This story made her feel depressed, that she had no worth, and that her best days were behind her.
Even though it was fiction, she told it to herself so often that it started to become her reality. She said it so many times subconsciously that she actually believed it as fact—a common reaction. The emotions that result from the stories we tell ourselves every day create the life we are going to live.
It’s impossible to boil down what I want to convey into one statement, but if anything comes close, this is it: Your emotions, your thoughts, and your “story” are your life. It is who we are at any moment, and we project those three things into everything we do. In Gena’s life, she was projecting, “I’m an old lady now, and I just can’t do much. Maybe this is the down part of my life, and I’ll just settle in.” And that was the life she was living until I helped create a pattern disruption. She started reading one of my books, and, slowly but surely, she exposed her story as a lie.
When Gena learned about her internal villain and how it shaped the story she heard in her head, she was motivated to defeat the villain. She treated this villain as an actual foe rather than just a symbol of her stagnation. The more she learned about the villain and how it functions, the more motivated she was to stop its harmful storytelling. Gena recognized that if she changed her story, she could change her present and her future.
And that’s exactly what she did! Gena began telling herself a brand-new story, one that totally transformed her life, her family, and the future in front of her.
I am a strong, young 63-year-old who has discovered the next phase of my life. I’m vibrant, beautiful. There is nothing anyone at any age can do that I can’t do. Age doesn’t limit us; it empowers us to use the wisdom we have gathered to be and act smarter and faster. Nothing can stop me from the joy, happiness, wealth, and abundance that I desire. God gave me so many amazing gifts, and I intend to use them all.
Wow. A little different from the woman thinking her best days were behind her and it was time to curl up, get old, and fade away. Gena’s new story launched her on a new path, and here is what she has accomplished in the five years since she changed her story and her habits:
Okay, think about this for just a moment. Gena’s new reality didn’t emerge because of some change in the outside world. She didn’t hit the lotto or inherit money; she didn’t get lucky and run into someone at a party who gave her a great job. What changed were her habits and eventually her story. She became the thermostat of her life rather than the thermometer. If you’re not motivated to change your story by how Gena changed hers, then you’re really dug deep into your old story.
And no, Gena wasn’t broke or living in desperation or despair when she finally realized her story was holding her back. She was just living a life that was status quo, and she was being held back from her full “next level” potential. When she discovered that she didn’t need anything from the outside world to achieve more, she started rewriting her story. It was only then that she achieved her dream of unshakeable peace and inner happiness. And the money was great, but it was only the icing on the cake.
Now you may be thinking, well maybe this worked for Gena, but what if I’m not as smart or as strong as Gena is? Well, if Gena were the only one who had ever experienced such a dramatic change, then maybe you should still have doubts. Gena isn’t the exception but the rule, at least in my experience. I’ve worked with all types of students—a wide range of IQs, backgrounds, personalities, abilities—and they’ve all been able to do what Gena did. It actually doesn’t matter where you are in your life right now. It doesn’t matter if you already have a great job and family, or if you have wealth with no fulfillment, or you have fulfillment with no wealth. Regardless, there is a story you must stop telling yourself, or a story you must adjust, because it is preventing you from leading an optimal life in the areas that matter to you the most: Change your story, change your life.
I could stop at this point, leaving you inspired by Gena to change your story. But it might inspire you for a day or two and then your old story will drift back into place. You need to anchor this awareness and this change so it sticks with you for life. Together we will make this happen. I’m going to give you the tools to make that shift, to change that story you’ve been living with, to change your mental state, to develop millionaire success habits, and to build the confidence to go to another level in your finances and in all areas of your life. Now it’s time to uncover any stories that could be holding you back.
UNCOVERING YOUR STORY
To flesh out the stories and flush out the self-limiting beliefs in your life, we must move some of them to the forefront of your mind. To do this, think about in which area of your life you want to experience the biggest breakthrough. Since you are reading this book, the odds are that making more money, starting or expanding your own business, or finding work you love represent breakthrough areas for you. So stop for a moment and ask yourself why these things you desire have not happened yet. Make sure you don’t filter your responses; don’t make excuses, offer rationalizations, or go into denial. Be honest and write the reasons you haven’t achieved the breakthroughs you desire.
To facilitate this exercise, think about which of the following factors might be stopping you from breaking through:
Many other possibilities exist; I list these just to get you started thinking about what stands in the way of your dreams.
Focus on what comes to mind immediately when you think of why you haven’t reached the point in life that you desire? What is the story you have in your head? In most cases, when you want growth in any of these areas but can’t seem to find it, it means there is a story standing between you and your next level, kind of like a wall that you can break down (but only once you realize it is actually there).
Now think about the stories that popped into your head and complete the “Negative Story” exercise sheet at www.thebetterlife.com under the “Book Resources” tab. Can you see now how the factors from the previous chapter—the internal villain, the lack of a deeper why—fuel these limiting stories and make them real as heck in your subconscious? Consider, too, how your story became a part of you. Maybe the negative news reports you received daily supported your negative story? Maybe hearing that you need to work on your weaknesses helped create your story? Or maybe friends’ bad advice anchored your negative story until it became your truth and your belief?
Did some stories come to mind? If they did, write them down.
If not, stop reading for a moment and think of what you are holding back. Perhaps you’re resisting this exercise, telling yourself, “Well, I don’t have a story; this is reality.” If that’s what you think, good; write down what you consider to be your reality. Remember Gena’s “before” story or use the previous bulleted list to spark yours.
Now let’s dig a little deeper and find the limiting beliefs that crafted this deeply imbedded story. Just so you know, these stories may have been with you for many years—they may stretch back to early childhood. The crazy part is that in most cases, the stories that disempower us have been instilled in us by the people we’ve encountered along life’s journey. These stories create the excuses our subconscious gives us for not living up to our full potential. By the end of this chapter, I want you to be able to dig out from under your limiting beliefs and stories and throw them away for good. So let me share a scenario here that hopefully can help you dig deeper and achieve this objective.
If your grandparents went through the Great Depression, they most likely have extremely conservative beliefs about saving money. They might say and believe things like, “You have to play it safe. You have to get a job regardless if you like it or if it aligns with the person you are. Taking a risk can be devastating.” And here’s the thing: People went through hell during the Depression. Many in that generation couldn’t even put food on the table for their families. At that period in history there wasn’t much margin for error—the focus was on survival. A huge part of the population took any job they could find; if they hadn’t saved every penny, they could have lost everything.
If that was the experience of your grandparents, they probably raised your parents with a frugal, cautious mind-set. They may have instilled their “Depression era” beliefs in your parents, and they trickled down to you. Those beliefs may be holding you back and you don’t even realize it. Maybe you want to branch out on your own, expand your business, or take a new job, but fear has you locked in place and you don’t even know why. In this case, I know why! It’s a generational limiting belief or story that was handed down to you from your parents and their parents before them. You are living with the ideals of someone from the Great Depression even though you are not living in that period. It is simply an invisible fight, or as I’ve called it, the villain within that is causing you to be stagnant.
These beliefs can limit all areas of your life—from the religion you follow, to the political party you gravitate toward, to the type of person you choose in a relationship. Your limiting beliefs are sneaky and guide so much of what you do and who you become. Wouldn’t you call it crazy if someone suggested that someone else was controlling your mind? Well, in many ways this is exactly what is happening in your life.
So focus on the beliefs and stories that are limiting you in different ways. When you consider doing something new or challenging like starting a business or trying to make more money or get in decent physical shape, what do you say out loud or to yourself? Write down the beliefs or stories that come to mind and what you want to improve. Don’t worry if they repeat what you wrote earlier in the chapter; they should be similar. This is all about extracting the beliefs that currently guide your life.
Next, write where these beliefs came from. If you’re like many people, you’ll examine your stories and beliefs and say, “Wow, that’s my dad’s belief, that’s my college professor’s belief, or that’s my ex-spouse’s belief.” Even though they may have come from these people, if they live inside you for long enough, they will become your reality as well. So we need to identify them and see how artificial they are in most cases. You must see that they are not your beliefs but rather beliefs handed to you by others.
So now that you have identified them, I want to guide you on a path to not only prove your story isn’t true, but also show you how to reverse it and make a new, limitless, empowering story that powers you toward all different types of life success.
HOW HAS IT AFFECTED YOUR LIFE?
It’s possible that you don’t realize just how negative the impact of your story has been. Take a moment and assess its impact by answering the following questions:
Chances are that you answered yes to one or more of these questions. If so, assess and write the cost—what specifically have you been denied, what loss have you suffered, and what problems have developed because of the story you tell yourself? Don’t worry about writing complete sentences. Just get it all down on paper so you have something tangible to look at. I want you to come face-to-face with the pain or the missed opportunities a bad story or a negative belief can bring and therefore build even more resentment toward it and more urgency to change it. But let’s go even further.
Look to the future and think about what these stories will continue to cost you if you don’t change them. On your journey to where you want to go in life, how might these stories get in your way? Think about your life in 5 years, 10 years, or maybe even 20 years; what did you miss out on again because of these stories and beliefs? Close your eyes and imagine missing out on a great opportunity at some point in the future. Let yourself experience the pain of that missed opportunity. Are you really going to give these stories so much power? Recognize what they have cost you and what they will continue to cost you.
When I think back and imagine what my life would have been like if I hadn’t changed the stories I told myself, I know that all the success, love, and abundance I have had would not have happened. I never would have started my own career, touched the lives of millions of people, traveled the world, and so much more. Even scarier, I may not have ended up the father I am today to Breana and Brody!
Clinging to one bad story or one bad belief can have a ripple effect in so many areas of your life. So let’s get to flipping it to an empowering, limitless story!
PROVE IT’S NOT TRUE
To get rid of your old story for good, find proof that it is a load of garbage! A part of my old story was that since I was in special reading and never got good grades, I wasn’t smart enough to go to college, and if I didn’t have a college degree, I would never amount to anything. I told myself that I could never start my own business, and that you need money and smarts to make money. I surely don’t miss those crappy stories I used to tell myself, but I know what it’s like to have them.
Let me ask you this: Was the story I told myself true or was it just plain garbage? Do you know any millionaires or financially successful people who didn’t go to college? Of course you do! Two good friends whom I’ve spent lots of time with are Tony Robbins and the billionaire Richard Branson. Neither of them started out with money or went to college; I don’t think Richard made it past the second grade. And here are a few other massively successful people who lack college degrees; maybe you have heard of a few of them: Bill Gates, Michael Dell, Abraham Lincoln, Andrew Carnegie, Andrew Jackson, Benjamin Franklin, Coco Chanel, Henry Ford, James Cameron, John D. Rockefeller Sr., Walt Disney—the list goes on and on. I researched the topic many years ago and found out that the story I was telling myself was total nonsense. And then I proved to myself that the story was wrong and a lie.
Maybe you can tell by my writing style that I don’t always express myself with the best grammar and that I haven’t read as many of the great books as I should have. When I was younger, I convinced myself that I had no chance of doing anything in life that required reading or writing skills. I couldn’t conceive of writing a book, let alone multiple New York Times bestsellers.
Am I an exception to the rule? Or are there other people who have written New York Times bestsellers who aren’t good at grammar or reading? Of course there are! So clearly, my old story was completely false. With a little research, I was able to figure out that the story didn’t hold water.
Have other people with no money and horrible childhoods gone on to do great things, be great dads, enjoy rewarding relationships, have amazing friends, and be massively successful financially? Yes! The chances are that the old story you’ve been dragging around is wrong; you just need to prove that it is a bunch of crap. It’s nonsense to think you are the only one with certain issues holding you back. Get the proof that those limiting stories and beliefs are nothing more than fiction.
HAVE A CONVERSATION WITH GOD
Here is an exercise that will elicit true disgust for your old stories. Pretend that you’re having a conversation with God, the universe, or whomever you believe your creator is. Imagine God saying to you, “Why are you not living up to your full potential that I wanted for you? I put you in this amazing world and gave you limitless possibilities in your life. What’s stopping you from being your best you?” Sit in silence and contemplate that question. Then imagine yourself responding to God with the story you may have uncovered recently, or, should I say, the excuse: “I’m not living up to my full potential because my dad was rough on me when I was little,” or “The economy shifted,” or “My spouse doesn’t support me.” Could you really say anything like this to your maker with a straight face?
Now imagine offering these excuses and rationalizations to someone who endured unthinkable cruelty or tragedy like a war, or a concentration camp, or cancer. Maybe you’ve endured an equally tragic life, but the odds are, your story is more typical than tragic; you endured your parents’ divorce, or you’ve had a lot of expenses, or you always felt shy and had low self-esteem. I’m not discounting your difficulties, only asking you to think about them relative to going through the worst that life can throw at you. And even if you’ve experienced the worst, I have seen people endure epic struggles and still pull through to achieve the seemingly impossible. And most of them overcame their dark past because they refused to let the tragedy and hardship define them. They created a different story for their lives. So when you tell God about how you never have achieved your career goals because your parents were highly critical of you, doesn’t it make you resent this story? Aren’t you sufficiently angry at the story that you’re motivated to change it? Well, I surely hope so.
SAY IT OUT LOUD
Because of the process we have gone through so far in this chapter and how we have framed “your story,” another way to rid yourself of your old story is to simply say it out loud and listen to how silly it sounds. Say it several times, over and over, and listen to yourself articulating it repeatedly. Say out loud, “I don’t have a good life because [fill in the blank with your reason].” Here’s what I say: “I can’t reach my goals because I’m dyslexic and can’t read well.” Yes, I’m embarrassed by my story, but that’s the point. I know your story may have been traumatizing in the past, but when you say it out loud as an adult you start to hear how misguided it sounds. Again, your life might be worse than anything I can imagine, and I’m not in any way trying to minimize your experiences. But no matter what it was, no matter how bad it was, you need to get disgusted enough with the old limiting story to take the steps that help you replace it with a new story.
LOOK FOR THE GOOD IN EVERY STORY
Now let’s start the process of flipping that limiting story to an empowering, limitless one. When you change parts of the story, your narrative begins to improve. Let me share my own experience of how this is so. I was deemed “stupid” in school, and it certainly hurt a lot, causing me pain and setbacks for years. Or so I thought.
As I’ve noted, I suffered from dyslexia and struggled to read because of it. Back then, teachers and other kids called me stupid because of my reading problems (I didn’t attend a politically correct school). But without realizing it, not being able to read like the other kids taught me how to be good visually and aurally; I figured out how to learn by watching and listening. These are skills many of the other kids probably never developed, and if they did, it took them a lot longer than it did me. This is why I can stand up on stage for hours and speak without a teleprompter or a script. My childhood dyslexia taught me to be able to communicate in a really simple, straightforward way. Even if the content is really complicated, when I teach it, it comes out easy to understand because that’s the way I think. And I know that’s one of the reasons my message resonates with millions of people from all different walks of life.
So what is something good that came out of your story? What is something that you once thought was an obstacle in your life, but in fact created skills that have made you who you are today? Maybe you were cheated on in a relationship and at the time it seemed like the end of the world, but now you are with the best partner possible because you’ve learned what kind of love you deserve. Maybe you got fired from a job once and it made you feel like you weren’t good enough, but it was that event that allowed you to spend more time on yourself and get in the best shape of your life mentally and physically.
Find the good that can come from your story and start changing it into an empowering story. Remember the words of Tony Robbins: “What if life happens for us, not to us.” When he shared that with me, the last 10 percent of the old stories I was holding on to about my family disappeared. If that hadn’t happened for me, I wouldn’t be right here, right now. So those supposedly bad stories were just part of a bigger plan creating and forming my character. Look back at your story with this “find the good” perspective, and those old stories start losing their power fast.
TIME TO SHIFT YOUR STORY
Imagine you’re in a house full of old memories from your life, and some are good memories, but others are those negative stories that remind you of bad things that happened in the past. Now imagine that the house is on fire, and you have a tiny suitcase in your hands and only a minute to save some of those memories. In order to reach that next level of success in life, you must choose to pack only the memories and the stories that serve you going forward. If it’s a negative memory that weighs on your heart or mind, let it burn up in the fire. Only carry out with you those things that will help you make the best life possible. Remember, the past only lives inside you. You have to think of the past as research and development. It is there to learn from and develop your better self. If the past haunts you, holds you back, or doesn’t serve your grander future, then let that memory burn up in the fire.
In The Power of Now, Eckhart Tolle says that yesterday is the past, and we can’t change it. Tomorrow is a movie in our head that’s not even filmed yet. And we only have this moment! So why carry all that heaviness of the past when you can let it go forever?
It’s time to adjust your story. Now that you’re aware of what the old story has cost you, why it’s not even true (though it feels like it is), how it is fueled by small outside factors, and most of all how you should be disgusted by it, you should be primed to remake it. For example, I took my “I’ll never be successful because of my rough childhood,” and flipped it 180 degrees to my new story: “I’m empowered because my childhood circumstances taught me to communicate better, to be a visual learner, and I learned to fail a lot when I was a kid, so failure doesn’t bug me! When I combine the ability to learn fast, not fear failure, and be tenacious, my life is limitless!” That new story is empowering and my new truth.
You can find your new, better story, just as I did. Remember, no matter what your old circumstances were, you have the ability to leave them behind. If you were cheated on, your partner stole your money, or your parents didn’t love you, throw those stories away and develop a better version of your story in their place.
WRITE YOUR NEW STORY
As you craft this new story, do the opposite of what we did earlier and find proof that your new story is true. Search the Internet to get proof, ask successful friends, seek out a mentor, or talk to one of my trained coaches. Do whatever it takes to find proof that what you are now saying is possible. If, for example, you say, “My adversity made me strong, bulletproof, and I can handle anything that comes my way,” do a search for strong women of the past and see the adversities they went through. Look up Rosa Parks or Mother Teresa or Helen Keller. Most successful people went through hell once or many times in their lives. Find their stories and use them as leverage to create your own. The proof is everywhere, so go find it.
Write it, revise it, but get it crafted. When you think you’ve perfected it, then e-mail it to your phone and copy and paste it in the notes app so you can read it every day. Start repeating it to yourself like it’s a mantra and try to memorize it. And when the old story pops back into your mind, be consciously aware of your thoughts. If you wake up in the middle of the night and find that you’re telling yourself that old crappy story again, say to yourself, “Whoa, whoa, whoa, I threw that out. That’s a horrible story! It’s nonsense.” And replace it with the new one.
SAY YOUR NEW STORY OUT LOUD
In fact, once you have the new story or stories, then it’s time to anchor it in your subconscious. Remember, you may have been thinking those old limiting thoughts for 10, 20, maybe 30 years, or more. Just as it takes more than one session at the gym to get in shape, so, too, do you have to embed your new story into your life many times. Through my 30-day challenge, or on your own, say the story out loud for the next 30 days, every night before you go to bed. Make it the last thing you think about as you’re nodding off, and make sure it is the first thing you think about when you wake up in the morning. Try to make this a daily ritual for at least the next month.
Also, find someone in your life that you can tell your new story to who would appreciate it—someone who will smile and encourage you rather than pooh-pooh it and call you a dreamer. Tell this person how you’ve evolved and share the process of exchanging old story for new with this individual.
Ask someone to be your accountability friend, a partner or coach who can help guide you or at least keep you on track. If you have somebody who can mentor you and guide you, grab hold of him or her and don’t let go.
I’m willing to commit dollars to make sure two of these folks are in my life at all times. I go four times a year to meet with Dan Sullivan at Strategic Coach, and he’s my accountability coach, delivering the wisdom that helps me be a better educator, a better businessman, and a better person. I also am a member of Joe Polish’s Genius Network mastermind in Phoenix; Joe assists me in sharpening my marketing skills and allows me to be immersed in better thinking and positive focus. I pay $25,000 a year to each of these guys because they keep me accountable to my own goals. I’m a teacher, and changing people’s lives is my obsession, but I want to be held accountable for my own growth as well. A coach is someone who can really help you do that. If you have someone in your life who can be your mentor, please allow him or her to guide you. Either way, make sure to take my fun and engaging 30-day challenge at www.thebetterlife.com. You can also call my office at 866-505-4200, and we’ll see if one of my certified success coaches can assist you on your journey to becoming your best you.
COMPARE YOUR TWO STORIES
Lastly, after you’ve written your new story, compare it to the old story. See how radically different the outcome of your life will be by not only changing one story or one belief but by changing all the stories that do not serve your higher purpose or your true “why.” You’ve spent so many years with the old story that it may take some time to erase it from your consciousness. And that’s okay. So don’t be impatient, but stay persistent! Remember to make a commitment to repeating it every night and every morning. It may require 10 minutes each day, but meditate on it and try to feel that new story.
You can learn so much about yourself and your future success by changing the stories of the past and killing the villain within. More importantly, once you kill the villain within and change your story, you’ve started down the path to unleashing the hero that lives inside you and finally attaining the wealth and happiness you deserve.