“If you want confidence, you generate it. You pull it from within. You summon it. You make it happen. You put it into play. And the more that you do that over, over, over, and over again, the more you’ll gain that skill. Then it becomes easier for you to do in lots of different contexts. No one’s ever going to be completely confident in every context, and they shouldn’t be, because otherwise you wouldn’t learn.”
— Brendon Burchard, interview with Dean Graziosi
THE MONEY COMPOUNDER
Let me ask you a question: How important are attraction and persuasion in the quest for more success and more wealth? To me, they are beyond crucial ingredients. If you don’t have the ability to attract the right opportunities and people to you, and if you lack the ability to persuade others and yourself to take action, then you simply have a good idea that will never gain momentum. If you already know this to be true, then you are probably nodding your head and saying, “Heck yes, Dean. You are one hundred percent accurate on the importance.” For those who don’t, let me explain how this is true.
When I look back at my list of business achievements and success, attraction and persuasion are the two highest-level habits I have mastered that propelled me to a level of prosperity that seemed inconceivable when I was younger. I’ve been blessed to create massive momentum and revenue through these two skills alone.
I’ve seen over and over again where these two crucial pieces of wealth are discounted and sometimes ignored. Believe me, I’ve failed miserably in these areas in the past because I didn’t realize how important they were. If you want, you can spend all your time experiencing the same failures I had in my past. But we both know you are smarter than that. You have this book in your hands and you can gain an advantage from me, benefiting from my many years of fine-tuning them.
And before I go deeper into attraction and persuasion habits, let me assure you that I’m not going to offer you some advertising gimmick that will allow you to sell “effortlessly.” That’s simply not what this book is about, and by now I know you realize this. These habits are about getting to the deep foundational pieces that allow you to become a next-level person and take your wealth to a higher level.
So let’s define our terms. Let’s just get to the point: attraction and persuasion are really just more elegant ways of saying marketing and sales. Let me give you two of the best definitions I’ve ever heard for each. “Marketing is attracting what you want into your life and repelling the things you don’t want.” These could be clients, prospective buyers, even relationships. And selling is “getting people emotionally invested to take the action you want them to take,” whether you want them to buy something, say yes to your bid, agree to use your services, or consent to start a partnership or relationship. Add to that getting them to take action with something that can improve their lives, and you’ve truly hit a home run.
I believe those are great definitions. And that is how I plan on getting you to look at marketing and sales by the time you are done with this chapter.
The real issue, however, is that some people don’t want to be labeled a marketer or a salesman.
Let me ask you this: Did Martin Luther King Jr. use marketing to get people to listen to him? Absolutely! And when they did listen to him, was he trying to sell his ideals? Heck, yes! What if we never received the message he delivered? What if he wasn’t good at attraction and persuasion, and he didn’t move our country in a better direction? What about Mother Teresa, Gandhi, Benjamin Franklin, and Thomas Jefferson? Were they all gifted marketers and salespeople? If they weren’t, you wouldn’t even know their names or the incredible impact they had on this world. Marketing and selling yourself ethically is what makes the world go round! Or, taking an example from the world of business, do you think Apple or Microsoft don’t use the art of persuasion and attraction every second of every day? They use these disciplines like nobody’s business! You don’t like your iPhone by accident.
And here is a truth I’ve come to learn throughout my years. If you want to start a new business or you want to move up the ranks in your company and you’re afraid of selling and marketing, it means two things: 1) You are not going to succeed at the level you desire, and 2) You are looking at selling and marketing completely wrong.
When you know you are the perfect candidate to fill a role, or you have a product or service so amazing that you are doing people a disservice if you don’t get it into their hands, then you should feel obligated to sell it like crazy—or hire someone who is great at this job. And if you’re still nervous about these activities, then maybe you need to sharpen your passion or improve your product or service.
The need to sell applies to all areas of your life. Let’s take relationships, for example. If you are single, you want to attract the right person. And once you do, you want to persuade her to go on a date with you, and then a second date, and then, if you’re in love, to marry you at some point. You’re not persuading her unethically, but rather being your best self and allowing someone to see all the positive traits you bring to them or the world. I would bet that if you are afraid of marketing and sales, then you’ve already hit a roadblock in your life in other areas.
If you don’t want to market yourself to other people and sell other people on the value you bring, then you need to look deep inside yourself and figure out why. Maybe you need to work on you, your product, or your service. Regardless of what you want out of life, without attraction and persuasion, nothing works. But it all starts with truly believing in the product and believing in yourself. And here is the best part: In this chapter, no matter how good or bad you are or think you are, I’m going to give you simple yet effective habits to help you become amazing. And it’s a process that will be easier than you would ever expect. Because it all starts with being your best self and not another version of you. Let me explain.
MARKETING AND SALES AT ITS FINEST
Can sales be bad? Absolutely! If you’re selling drugs, cigarettes, or something that can hurt someone, then of course it can be used in a bad way.
But if that’s not your thing, and I doubt it is, then think of the power of attraction and persuasion when done properly and used to improve people’s lives, including your own. When I’m on stage or when I’m on camera selling, and I know my book can take your life to the next level, I speak with true passion and purpose. When you know you’re doing the right thing, you feel ethically obligated to get others to take action.
If you have a way to convince someone you love to stop smoking and save his life, wouldn’t you do everything in your power to persuade him to do so? You should sell him, persuade him, and do whatever it takes to get him to quit. If you had a gambling problem, and I had a way to stop you from ruining your life, I’d do everything in my power to get you to stop. You need to feel that way about your business, your products, and yourself. When you can start to think that way, it will no longer feel like marketing and selling. Because at the end of the day, it’s not about using a fast-talking sales pitch or false promises for selfish purposes. It’s about attracting the right people and the right opportunities into your life. It’s about persuading yourself to be the best you can be and persuading others to take the action you desire. So let’s discuss a few different habits that you can integrate into your life and career to master the art of attraction and persuasion.
PEOPLE WANT TO BE UNDERSTOOD
So how do I persuade others to work for me, take my advice, buy from me, or learn from me? And how do I attract the right people into these situations?
Here’s the number one thing that has allowed me to be on TV for over 15 years, to teach and sell all over the world, to attract the right people into my life, to close big deals, and have multiple million-dollar companies: People will learn from you, listen to you, love you, buy from you, and hire you when they feel understood, not when they understand you. Let that sink in for just a second, and say it again out loud if you want. Write it down, highlight it, and put a star next to it. “People will learn from you, listen to you, love you, buy from you, and hire you when they feel understood, not when they understand you.”
People are more likely to take action with and for you when they feel understood by you. Yet, I’ve watched most sales and businesspeople completely miss this fact. They will do all the talking and rarely find themselves being absolutely quiet and listening. Most people get in a meeting and they just sell, and sell, and sell, wanting to be understood or prove they’re offering a benefit, instead of first seeking to understand the customer or person on other side of the table. This is the biggest mistake most people make. They innately focus so much on explaining the value they bring and what’s great about them or their product instead of focusing on what the other person or their clients really need.
When “I and me” are used frequently in a boardroom, on stage, or even in a relationship, you can already tell that the speaker is destined to fail. Conversely, the people who possess quiet confidence, close deals, have great relationships and great friends, all “get it”; they get that understanding others is the key to their success. People are attracted to them because they let others feel understood rather than trying to make others understand them.
Obviously, you need to use “I” and “me” in conversation to communicate your ideas. I use these words in this book, since it’s the only way to relate my experiences and the lessons learned. This book, though, is not about me, but surely is for you. I want you to feel understood by knowing that I’ve been where you are; that I’ve encountered and overcome the obstacles that you’re facing; and that if you learn from those experiences, you can accomplish the same great things.
Here’s a simple example on feeling understood versus understanding. This may help bring even more clarity to what I am expressing. If you go to a car dealership and a salesperson walks up to you and says, “I’ve been selling at this dealership for eighteen years, and I’m the best in the office. I can see you are a smart shopper and want a reliable car so this is the brand for you. And just so you know, this car gets the best mileage and has a rear camera and it sure is fast.” Is that going to make you feel understood or is that person just making a sales pitch composed of benefits and ego? He just wants you to understand how good he is and what he’s selling. That’s the type of salesman that you run away from, right?
On the other hand, imagine if the car salesman came up to you and said, “So what brings you out here on a Sunday? Are you having a good weekend? So what’s your family like—how many kids do you have? What are your needs? What are your goals? What’s important to you in a car—safety, comfort, convenience, fun?” Then he just went silent and listened. Think of the difference between these two sales techniques. The first guy doesn’t know if you need a minivan for your five kids and a dog or if you’re just shopping for yourself. He’s already in his pitch mode before you get done saying good morning. He’s already selling to you before he takes a minute to make you feel understood. Sales go horribly wrong when the pitch is just about pushing a product.
I can’t stress enough that understanding how others think is the foundation of attraction and persuasion. You see, so many times in life we find ourselves just waiting for the other person to be quiet so we can talk. Is that us wanting to understand people or is that us wanting people to understand us? When was the last time you had a conversation with someone and you looked her directly in the eyes and you heard every word she said, and actually listened to understand everything she was expressing to you?
That’s why it blows my mind when I walk into a big meeting and someone is trying to close a deal and all I hear is “me and I.” There is a better way to make deals happen and to have people do the things that you want them to do! Because if you think about it, a lot of times selling is just giving people a solution to their problem.
My team calls me the “problem solver,” and I’ve learned through years of experience that this is a much more effective way to persuade and attract than any other method. In a recent company meeting my event coordinator said, “When there’s a problem or a conflict, Dean just knows how to come in and solve it.” And believe me it’s so much easier than people perceive it to be. I don’t solve it by coming in and talking up a storm and insisting, “I can do this” and “Listen to me.” Instead, I come in and I simply have the habit of listening to understand. I want to know why one person thinks the way he does and why someone else thinks the way she does. Not just the words they speak, but the meaning behind their words! And guess what? I learn something about the people in the room, and they literally tell me how to solve the problem or clear the confusion. Then when I solve it, I look like a magician when truly they provided me with the clues to know what to do. Your ears are a better persuasion tool than your lips.
In contrast, I remember being in my 20s and being all excited and wanting to close a deal or be in a relationship. I would just talk, and talk, and talk. I would walk into a room and be like, look at me, look what I bring, look what I can do, look what I can offer. I rarely tried to understand the other person’s needs.
But time, experience, failures, and success have taught me a valuable lesson. Now I have an advantage and a success habit that most people don’t realize they can access as well: Listening to what everybody else is sharing. Specifically, try to answer these questions by listening hard and deeply:
I am sure you can see how this technique works in many areas of life beyond the conference room. The biggest conflicts between spouses happen when people try to make their own feelings understood, and they never listen to what their partners have to say. In our minds, we’re going, “Yeah, yeah, yeah, but this is what I think.” We wait for an opening, and then it’s back to making our point.
Do you want to end conflict? Then listen. Enter the internal conversations in other people’s heads. Let them feel understood. Then you can unite to solve the problem. You want to attract the right people, but you won’t attract them by being the know-it-all—even if you really do know it all. You simply will not persuade others if you’re the person doing all the talking.
THE UNFAIR DEAL CLOSER
Seeing issues from another person’s perspective can help you sell in ways you’ve never imagined. Here’s a multimillion-dollar success habit that produces amazing results every time: If you’re having trouble figuring out what the other side wants, or having trouble “closing the deal,” use this tactic, which typically silences the room and puts you in charge without playing the big-shot role. Here’s what I’ve done many times, and it always works: I politely interrupt everyone and ask the question I asked you in Chapter 1: “Hey guys, I just want to get clarity here. Let’s pretend it’s a year from now and we’re looking back. This deal went through and is going so well that we’re here celebrating our one-year anniversary. Could you guys tell me what that deal looks like? Can you describe the past year to me?” Then just stop talking and listen.
People who were just pushing their own agendas or wanting to be heard or explaining why it should go their way literally become silent and thoughtful. They respond with uncomfortable silences, with “Damn good question,” and even with “I never looked at it that way.” And when I hear that last one, I’m like, “Then what the heck are we doing here!”
This technique works in many situations. If your child is trying to decide where to go to college, say, “I want to understand what you want. So let’s imagine it’s a year from now. You’ve been off at college for a year and you just came home, and it’s been the best year of your life. What does that year look like? Describe it to me.” The answers you get will help your child make that difficult decision.
This also works well when you’re arguing with your spouse. What if you say, “You know what? I don’t want to try and persuade you to my point of view. Let’s imagine it’s a year from now, and we’ve just had the best year of our lives when it comes to our relationship. What does that past year look like? Describe it to me. What do our date nights look like? What have we done with our children? How much vacation time have we had? What house are we in? Describe it in detail.”
This is a powerful technique because it makes people think hard about the answer. You get them to think, maybe for the first time, about where they really want to be in a year. Most people really don’t know what they want. They may never have thought this through. So it’s an enlightening exercise. It even works amazingly well when hiring people. I won’t hire anyone who can’t provide an answer. If they don’t know what they want, how the heck can I?
When you get these answers, you know how to close the deal or pass on the deal and run the other way. And when I don’t get good answers, when people don’t have a clue, or they’re just too negative, I will politely say, “Hey guys, let’s do this meeting again when everybody else knows where they want to go, because I know what I want out of this meeting. Specifically, I want this, this, and this. It’ll be a great year if we all do this together. But if you don’t know what you want, then it will be hard for us to agree. I don’t think we should negotiate a deal until you know clearly what you want.”
TRANSPARENCY AND TRUST ALWAYS WIN
Once you master the art of understanding rather than being understood, you can move on to working on your transparency and simply being you. I’ve gotten so much further in my life by not only listening but also by being open and not trying to become anyone but my true self.
When I was younger, I was driving in a car with a gentleman who was a bit older and much more successful than me. I was in my early 20s and was at the start of going from that broke kid in my heart to generating real income and believing in myself. I was at a phase in my life where I was doing pretty well from where I had started—I had a used car dealership and collision shop as well as 20 apartments and I was building new houses. I was starting to become a big fish in my little town of about 7,000 people. But I was hungry for the next level! So this gentleman was taking me down to New York City to pitch an idea and business model I was calling E-Therapy to a venture capitalist group. I wanted to create a business to connect therapists with patients who would receive counseling online. I realize this is no big deal now, but it was a pretty awesome idea in 1994. Nothing even close existed at the time!
I remember driving to New York City in his Jaguar and discussing weaknesses and strengths. He looked at me and said, “Dean, what do you think your biggest weakness is?”
I responded, “My biggest weakness is that I trust too easily, and because of that I have been taken advantage of several times. I have to learn to be more businesslike, be more shrewd.”
He said, “So you think that your biggest weakness is that you are too nice and trustworthy?”
I said, “Yep.”
He looked straight in my eyes and said, “That’s crazy that you think that, because I think that’s your biggest strength. You’re twentysomething years old, you have no big business experience, no money to fund this idea you are proposing, and you have no college degree. Yet, I’m bringing you to New York and risking my reputation because you’re so trustworthy and because you’re so caring.”
He continued, “By being honest, transparent, and a man of your word, you’re going to get taken advantage of. But when you look back in life on how much you lose compared to how much you’ll gain by attracting the right people and persuading them to take action with you because of your kindness and transparency, it’ll far outweigh your losses.” This was over 20 years ago, and he’s still 1,000 percent right to this day.
By the way, that wasn’t my true “story,” it was a limiting belief I got from my dad growing up. He loved me a bunch as parents do, and he thought he was protecting me by giving me this belief. It died that day!
I realize now that when you want to persuade and attract the right people, the right money, the right job, the right business into your life, transparency always wins. Many times you’ll do business with people who keep certain things hidden or try to mask who they really are. I decided at a young age that I was going to be me regardless of what the outcomes were. So maybe some would consider how I approach business to be too transparent, too trustworthy, but now I know that people want to do business with me simply because of that! Who cares if, on occasion, someone takes advantage of me? I remember when I first launched deangraziosi.com and I opened it up to the world, I was as transparent as possible. I wanted people’s feedback on every video and every post I created. Sometimes I got feedback that wasn’t very pleasant. But at the end of the day I was being the true me, and people appreciated that fact. And by listening to what people had to share, I got better.
When I started being completely transparent and speaking from the heart, my company zoomed to the next level. In this book, I’m “speaking” to you from the heart. I get to talk about my family, my personal struggles, my relationships, and my life. I know that in my business relationships and even in my personal relationships, the more transparent I am about my good and bad feelings, the better my relationships become. The more we open up and become ourselves, the more we bond. And that does nothing but help us get to another level. Authenticity and enthusiasm outweigh perfection and structure almost every time.
Now think about this concept as it relates to your business. How can you be more transparent in your business and in your career? I’m not talking about being someone who’s always wearing their heart on their sleeve or boring everyone by constantly talking about their feelings. I’m talking about being honest, open, and authentic with the people of your business. Because you can’t pretend to be someone you’re not or even exaggerate who you are—false hype is just as harmful as being inauthentic. Salespeople who rely on hype instead of understanding the customer rarely succeed. As consumers, if we detect hype or BS, we tune out or we just leave, end of story! Transparency is a better strategy every time and in every situation. Whether we’re talking about your business or your personal life, people can see through insincerity and falseness. Authenticity always wins.
SCARCITY MIND-SETS DON’T SELL
At their core, people either have a scarcity mind-set or an abundance point of view. People with scarcity mind-sets always see the worst in everything. An example of scarcity thinking is when people say things like, “We’re running out of oil and the world is going to collapse. We’re too much in debt and we’ll never get out this mess. If I make money, I must be robbing it from somebody else. The American dream is dead. The days of being independently wealthy and creating your own wealth are gone.”
We all have scarcity thinking deep down somewhere in our lives, so we have to be vigilant about spotting it when it affects our viewpoints and decisions. We have that fear of scarcity, that limiting belief, that doubt.
It’s that inner villain we spoke about earlier in the book who whispers in your ear, “No you can’t,” or “It’s not going to happen,” or “It’s too late.” It can totally mess with your mind and get you out of focus. Or worse, it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy: You focus so obsessively on these negative outcomes and that’s exactly what you get.
Examine your own thoughts for a scarcity mind-set. In Peter Diamandis’s book Abundance, Peter talks about oil and how some people say, “We’re running out of oil. What are we going to do with our cars?” He writes, “Oil used to be the greasy stuff on camel’s hoofs. What changed that was intellectual capital. Smart people figuring out how to process it, how to use it, how to burn it, how to build a combustion engine and power the world. If intellectual capital and an abundant mind-set got us there, why can’t an abundant mind-set and thought process take us to the next level?” We have electric cars now and someday we might be running cars on water or solar power.
People with a scarcity mind-set often say, “If you get rich, you must be taking from someone else.” Not true. If you get rich, you found a way to bring value to the world. I found a way to attract people to something that brings them to another level, that creates tremendous value in their lives. If you do that, if you create value, you’ll create wealth. If you do great things with your money, help your friends, help your family, build security, donate to charity, do the things that give back to the world, then that’s a wonderful accomplishment. That’s living with an abundance mind-set.
You always want to avoid thoughts that come from a scarcity mind-set, that try to convince you there is not enough: not enough money, not enough time, not enough jobs, not enough friends. Whenever you notice yourself falling into a scarcity mind-set, try to do a 180-degree turn and change it to an abundance mind-set.
I’ve seen many struggling entrepreneurs who blame a hundred factors for their businesses not working. It’s always someone else’s fault or the result of a situation beyond their control. After listening to this litany of excuses, I always think the same thing: Their vision is clouded by a scarcity mind-set. They are innately negative about all things. Their customers felt it; their families felt it. There’s a lack of congruence. These individuals see what is wrong in the world while trying to convince you what is right. It just doesn’t work that way. Be aware of and use the strategies in this book to see the abundance in front of you every day. Change your thinking and watch your attraction and persuasion skills skyrocket.
SELL PEOPLE WHAT THEY WANT
I have seen huge companies and start-ups with passion fail, companies with lots of money raised never get off the ground, and inventions flop because the inventors were certain they had created something that people would buy because it was absolutely needed.
So remember this phrase for the rest of your life: People most often will buy what they want, not what they need. I have seen founders of companies who invest tons of money in creating exciting products but who never address whether consumers will actually want them.
And does this only happen in business? Do we sometimes think we know exactly what our spouse needs, what our children need, what our family members need, and what our employees need? And then we deliver that with an epic fail because what they really wanted was something completely different? We assume we know what they need, but deep down they wanted our love, wanted us to listen, wanted us to pay attention, or wanted us to stop being so distracted.
I know I make this mistake with my children sometimes. I focus so much on what I think they need, and I forget to satisfy what they really want. There are a lot of people that need to lose weight, but they actually want to eat fatty foods, and ice cream, and too much bread. People need to go to the gym, but if they don’t want to, they’ll never walk in the door. Some people need to go to marriage counseling, but they want to go to the bar and have a couple of drinks to numb the pain of a bad relationship.
No matter what your goal is—taking your business to the next level, starting a new business, or evolving through the ranks in your current job—remember that supplying what people want in most all cases will win over supplying what you think they need. Do the research, and understand what your prospect wants. What does the end consumer want that you can satisfy? What does your boss want that you could provide? What does the next level of your business look like from your employees’ perspective—what will make them work harder and see your bigger vision?
I have a saying that I think will serve you well, even if you might question the ethics of it initially. But it’s something that is very true, and I’d like to see if you can apply it in your life, in your business, and in your ability to create wealth: “Sell people what they want, and give them what they need.” If you reverse this concept—if you try to sell them what you think they need—you’ll probably fail. Better to hit the bullet points of what they want and wrap it around what they need.
That’s what you see all the time in successful marketing and advertising. If people need to lose weight, just telling them they’re unhealthy or that their weight can shorten their lives, may not be enough to get them to take action. They probably know they need to lose weight, but a good ad might spark the powerful want inside them.
“I want to feel sexier about myself. I want to be able to go to the beach, or to the pool, and feel confident in a bikini. I want to have my spouse look at me as sexy again, or look at me as the fit man or fit woman I used to be.” When you tap into people’s wants, you stir their emotions, and emotions make decisions. As long as you’re emotionally engaging them in a process, or an action that can help their lives, do anything in your power to turn a proposed behavior into reality.
If you can do anything in your power to get your unhealthy, overweight friend to take action, lose weight, and get healthy, then you do it! But know if you just tell them, or try to market to them, or try to persuade them of what they need to do, you might fall flat. In your personal life, your business, and your wealth creation, people will buy what they want over what they need. Adjust accordingly.
TELL STORIES
You’ll notice that throughout this book I use a lot of real-life examples to illustrate the points I am trying to make. And that’s because I think examples—anecdotes, case histories, stories—are an essential part of persuasion. To make these stories effective sales tools, though, you need to tell them the right way. People often say to me, “Dean, you’ve been on stage and on camera forever. But unlike you, I’m shy. I can’t persuade anybody; my message isn’t going to attract anybody.” I know I seem like an extrovert on camera, and I seem like an extrovert on stage in front of thousands of people. But truth be told, I’m a total introvert. When I go to my kids’ functions and all the parents are there, I want to hide in the corner. And I’m being completely honest here; it’s just how I am.
Knowing how to tell good stories, though, gives me confidence on stage. And not only that, but when you learn to tell stories well, you will increase your ability to persuade and attract people. If you can tell a story with a message woven expertly into it to illustrate key points, you will be more persuasive. Being a good storyteller can show your boss that you’re more qualified than he might think. Or show your employees that you understand who they are. Stories can have all the impact in the world.
What stories from your past can you tell that will strike people as funny? What stories can you relate that reveal your work ethic or how smart you are? Do you have stories that will demonstrate what you can accomplish or what other talents you have? I suggest you craft and practice telling your best stories; the ones that can increase the power of your message.
I’ve been on TV for 15 years. And on every show I tell stories with an impactful message rolled into it. Next time you see me on TV or see me on stage, watch for the examples I integrate into my message. Stories have helped me transition from being the shyest kid in my class, who would skip school if I had to do a presentation, to a self-assured public speaker, who can get up on stage by myself and speak to 15,000 people. So what stories can help you make this transition?
Whether you are thinking, “This is awesome; I have lots of stories to tell,” or you’re uncertain if you have any good ones, take a moment and list the stories that could be good candidates. Remember you may be looking to share a lesson, overcome an obstacle, illustrate your dedication or hard work, or show how caring you are in a relationship. Take a moment and write what would come after the sentence: “I think there is a great story behind the time I did [fill in the blank].” Then dissect the story for the pieces you want to emphasize and share. When you tell this story to other people, remember to relate it to them, and make them anxious to hear the conclusion so they can benefit from the idea or learn from you. And as you’re doing this exercise, keep in mind that enthusiasm and authenticity outweigh perfection and structure almost every time.
My storytelling skills were really tested a few years back when my family and I were on vacation in California and we were sitting outside around a firepit. My son was five years old at the time and the shortest kid in his school, just like I was. And I knew that one of his classmates was making it a little tough on him. Everyone was sitting around the fire after we had just finished making s’mores, and I could see sadness on my son’s face. When I asked him what was wrong, he brought up going back to school in a few days, his small size, and how he wasn’t sure he wanted to go back.
He didn’t mention the kid or anyone making fun of him directly, but the writing was on the wall. Now I could have just said to my son, “Brody, I was small too. I know what it feels like, but it made me stronger, made me tougher, and I achieved so much because of it. You’re going to be fine.” That would be me trying to get him to understand me, my feelings, and what I went through. As I noted, this approach wouldn’t create a connection, and it wouldn’t help him feel understood.
If I would have said, “Don’t worry about it; it’s no big deal. You’ll be fine,” there would have been no emotional connection. So in my head, I immediately had to figure out how to provide an empowering lesson and have him see that he was created that way for a reason. How could I teach him to be strong without making it about me and at the same time make him feel understood? That’s when a story popped into my head. And this one I made up as I went along.
I said, “Brody, have you ever heard of Toof?” Not tooth, but toof, spelled t-o-o-f. He said no, and then my daughter Breana perked up her ears and chimed in with a “No, who’s Toof, Dad?”
“Toof is the one-toothed werewolf. He’s only half werewolf, and his werewolf side only comes out during the half-moon, but boy he is ugly as heck when that happens. He has patches of long fur across his body, one tooth, he howls weird, and he’s just funny-looking.”
And they were like, “Really? So what happened with Toof?”
I said, “Well, you know, Toof went to school, and everybody thought he was a normal student, until one day there was a half-moon! And all of a sudden, Toof comes out of the bathroom with big patches of hair, one tooth sticking out a little sideways, looking really weird. So do you know what happened? Just like everywhere, at every school, and during every time period of life, there was a bully who picked on him. The bully called him funny-looking, and he called him bad names, and just made him feel sad, made him cry, and made him feel alone.”
And my kids were looking at me with questions in their eyes: “What happened next? What happened to poor Toof? How old is he? Is he real?”
“Yeah, but then one day, Toof was walking to school, and he saw the bully that always made fun of him getting dropped off by his dad. What he noticed was that his dad was bullying him, and was really mean to him, and pushed him out of the car, and it hit Toof’s heart. And he said, ‘I don’t care how he treats me. I now understand why.’ And Toof walked up to the bully, and he said to him, ‘Listen, you can be mean to me, but I understand why you are, and I’m sorry your dad treats you that way.’
“And he tried to give him a hug, and the bully kind of pushed him away. But then, all of a sudden at lunch, the bully sat with Toof. And they sat and talked to each other, and they eventually became friends. But that day, it wasn’t really about the bully. What Toof realized is that he wasn’t going to give anyone else permission to make him feel bad. That he was in control of his emotions and feelings.
“He decided to be happy no matter what other people said or did. He realized it doesn’t matter what he looks like, or what his hair does, or that he’s half werewolf and half human. What matters is how he feels inside, and that people’s words on the outside can’t affect him.
“And Toof got empowered, and all of a sudden the whole school started liking him. Soon his confidence grew, and he became head of the student council. And Toof went on to go to an amazing college, and get married, and be happy because he realized that his value wasn’t in other people’s thoughts, but that his value was who he was on the inside.”
And oh my God, my kids went nuts! They loved Toof. They were like, “Toof is so awesome; I want to meet him. Tell us other stories!” And we sat around the campfire for hours as I made up Toof story after Toof story. In one story he got married, in another he had children. Then we named his kids Silly, Lilly, and Dilly, and all these incredible messages came from this story. But what did I do at the end of the day? I was able to give a message to my son that I wanted to communicate. I empowered him, and I empowered my daughter through a story with a powerful message. If I would have just said it without the story, it never would have sunk in. Needless to say, my son totally forgot about his school and height worries and the mean kid wasn’t relevant anymore.
You have the same great stories inside you whether they’re fact or fiction. Think about the stories you can tell your family, your significant other, your customers and business partners, and anyone else you encounter.
DON’T SELL PAST THE SALE
Have you ever closed on a sale? I’m not just talking about in business, but even as a kid when you convinced your parents to take you some place, drop you off at a friend’s, or stay up late? Have you ever sold a house or a car? Have you ever sold an idea to your boss? Have you ever closed a sale in any sphere of life, but you kept talking so much that something caused the other party to change their mind to no?
Have you ever been on a date, and you wanted to go on another date, and you got a yes from the other person, but then you kept talking about it and for some reason the date didn’t happen? I watched my father make this mistake when I was young, and I tease him about it to this day. When I was about 20 years old, we had a used car lot, and on Saturdays, my dad and I would both be down there selling cars. I always used to joke with my dad when someone pulled up to look at a car: “Do you want me to go out and sell it, or do you want to go out and scare him away?” And we’d laugh.
I was lucky enough to recognize at a young age what my dad did wrong. My dad would go out, talk up the benefits of the car, and the customer would say, “You know what? I’ll take it.” And my dad would continue to talk about the car and say something like, “Well, we even painted the whole thing recently!” Then the guy would say, “Oh, you painted it. I get nervous on new paint jobs. You know, I’m going to think about it a little more . . .” and the sale was gone.
I just recently experienced this same scenario with my daughter. She was asking me for something and kept asking and did a good job of persuading me to say yes. She wanted to go over to her friend Larson’s house on a school night, and we really didn’t want to allow that to happen. But she got her homework done, made a strong case for this visit being the exception to the rule, and finally, I said yes.
And once I said yes, she kept talking and talking and let it slip that she had a test the next morning very early, and that she hadn’t studied for it yet.
And I said, “Unfortunately, Breana, you can’t go now.”
And she said, “But Dad, you said yes!”
And I said, “Breana, take this as a valuable lesson. Do not sell past the sale. When Daddy says yes, that’s when you just be quiet and say thank you.”
When the person trying to buy a car from my dad said, “Yes, I’ll take it!” that’s when he needed to stop selling and just say, “Thank you. Let’s process the paperwork.” When you want to persuade someone to take action, to buy your product, to loan you money at the bank, or get private money to fund your deal, do not sell past the sale. That’s when it is time to be quiet.
I teach this all the time in my real estate education forums. If you go through why you want the house, what you think it’s worth, and then you say, “The price I can pay is $100,000,” it’s time to shut your mouth, because typically, the first person who talks in the negotiation process loses. So silence is golden, at least if you time your silence properly.
THE POWER OF PASSION
Finally, I can’t end a chapter about attraction and persuasion without discussing passion. When you’re passionate about something, you care deeply about it to the point where it’s on your mind all the time. People who sell with a fervent belief in what they’re selling are more believable than those who sell with slick presentations or with statistics. When you’re evangelical about your product, point of view, or proposal, people are much more likely to take you seriously. They’re attracted to your sincere belief in what you’re selling.
This is why I have had you think through so many exercises starting with the questions “Where are you?” “Where do you want to go?” and “Why do you want it?” Your goals and how badly you want to achieve them involve passion. Passion is the ultimate fuel for achievement and persuasion. I am not the smartest person in the world. I’m usually not even the smartest person in the room. But I’ve always been the most passionate about everything I did. And I found confidence when I needed it. Those two success habits, combined with letting people feel understood, allowed me to overcome many obstacles and become fabulous at marketing and sales. Think about what they could do for you!
Fundamentally and foundationally, passion, confidence, and helping people feel understood may be the secrets to my success. Shhh, don’t tell anyone. All kidding aside, what I’ve shared in this chapter is what can get you where you want to go the quickest. If you master attraction and persuasion, you’re going to achieve amazing things at a speed that will boggle your mind. For the rest of your life, if you just do the things I shared in this chapter, you will have exponential growth, guaranteed.
And there are a lot of books you can read about how to get somebody to say yes. But in my opinion, many of them rely on gimmicks and psychological tricks. That’s not what I’m sharing here. No trickery. My goal is to help you become the person who attracts everything the right way, the ethical way. I want you to become the person other people look at and say, “Everything always goes right for her. She always attracts the right relationships, the right job, and the right business. She knows how to sell everybody on what is right, and everyone benefits. She is so lucky.” But you know now that this has nothing to do with luck. It has everything to do with adopting the success habits that I’ve shared.