“A belief is a poor excuse for an experience. If you want to believe something, that’s a good place to start, but the most powerful thing is to put yourself in the experience. If you think you know what China is like, go to China and then you’ll really know what China is like instead of making up a story in your head.”
— Tony Robbins, interview with Dean Graziosi
Attraction and persuasion are crucial to making your vision and your goals become your reality. Yet they are not the final pieces of your dynamic success habits. When you add one more habit to those game-changers, the trio can become the foundation for any start-up business to succeed or give you the boost to reach a new level in your company. This secret success habit is managing people’s feelings after the “yes.” Let me explain.
But first, let’s summarize where you are at this point.
The most accomplished people in the world use these millionaire success habits in their business lives as well as their personal lives.
But this chapter is dedicated to a secret success habit most people overlook or maybe never even think of—and this oversight causes them to fall short. It’s a habit that sets supersuccessful people apart, since it helps them understand what needs to happen after the yes: the after-sale relationship, the after-sale feelings, and the after-sale reciprocity.
I looked back at my blessings and the ability to generate hundreds of millions of dollars through all my businesses and my brands, and I realized a lot of this success was because I obsessed about how my clients felt after they said yes. As minor as this may feel right now, believe me it could be the difference between decent success and blockbuster growth.
Applying a very tactical but simple process, you will understand how your clients or other people in your life feel and what they deserve from you after the yes. Throughout this chapter, I’m going to lean more toward wealth creation and business than other forms of success. But this strategy can help in every area of your life.
For example, think about attracting and persuading someone to marry you. What happens after you make this relationship sale, after the yes? Have you ever heard someone say, “Oh my God, my husband was so kind, so sweet, so romantic, so charming, and then we got married and everything changed”? Have you ever heard people express their excitement about creating a partnership? They were going to start a restaurant or start a new online business together, and the relationship was just magnificent. And then they launched the business and in five or six months they’re in court battling to dissolve it.
Have you ever been charmed by a salesman, a product, a company, or an online sales funnel—where you felt amazing, where you felt understood? They did all the things I taught in the previous chapter: They knew what you wanted, they were listening to you, and they delivered exactly what it was that you wanted. But then after the sale, you never heard from them again. In fact, when you tried to call them, you couldn’t get through or you talked to someone who was disinterested or unhelpful.
Everything I shared up until this point will create unimaginable momentum, but if you want to maintain success, evolve it, and take it to heights you’ve never even dreamed of, you need to understand how to bond and build relationships after someone says yes. The following is a cautionary lesson about what happens when you neglect this success habit.
Several years ago, my good friend Joe and I decided we wanted to help out billionaire Sir Richard Branson and his charitable arm, Virgin Unite, an incredible foundation doing magnificent things all around the world for those in need. It is such a good organization that when Joe and I helped raise a million dollars, 100 percent of that money went on the ground to help. Richard pays all the expenses of Virgin Unite out of his pocket so all donations can go to the people in need. Amazing!
So we went to work, raised the money, and ended up going to Necker Island (Richard’s private island in the British Virgin Islands) and spending a week with him. We did this for a couple years in a row. I got to sail around his island, boat race with him, snorkel, eat dinners, etc. It was great to get to know, love, and understand this man who’s done so many great things. He started Virgin Records, Virgin Airlines, Virgin Mobile, plus a plethora of other companies and helps so many people in the world who need it.
So with the work we did, and the money we raised, and the significant amount of my own money I put in, I felt great, like I was a part of something big and significant. But I have to tell you, after I donated the money, the communication with the organization ceased. This had nothing to do with Richard personally, and the organization itself truly appreciated all we did. But they never even thought about the after-sale relationship. I never heard from anybody. I never saw where the money went, I never got pictures of schools, and I never heard about the kids that it helped.
At one point I paid for a whole bunch of clothes for homeless kids in America, and I knew the clothes were distributed across the Midwest. But after I donated, I never heard anything else from the organization. I felt disconnected. And what happened was that I drifted away from helping that charity, even though I loved what it was doing and I truly love and respect Richard Branson. And I ended up moving on to help other charities, but this time I explained the need for follow-up and follow-through when we had the opportunity to talk.
One of John Paul DeJoria’s claims to fame is his obsession with understanding people—understanding his employees after they’ve said yes to coming to work for him, as well as understanding the needs of his clients who are buying his tequila and his shampoo and making sure they want to come back.
John Paul once said, “I’m not in the selling business; I’m in the reselling business. I want to make people happy so they continue to buy and buy again.” If you want intimacy back in your relationship, bring that same thought process and watch what happens! Do the same things you did to win your spouse over in the beginning and watch things heat up. Business is the same way.
If you were part of my real estate education or bought one of my New York Times best-selling books on how to invest in real estate, you know that after you bought my book you would get a video from me every single week on how to improve your life, deliver capabilities, and deliver inspiration every time.
I didn’t charge for it. I didn’t tell people I was going to do it. I just delivered it. I made sure my students got e-mails after the sale to make sure they knew that I cared and I appreciated their business. This was part of my “after-the-sale” relationship building; I was expressing appreciation that they had faith in me. And guess what. They felt it, they recommended me to others, they bought more products, and they wrote great reviews. Not because I bribed them, but because they knew I cared.
For the people in my high-level mastermind groups (like the group I have with my good friend Joe Polish, where people pay $100,000 to be with Joe and me a couple of days a year), I make sure that they know that after they cut that check, I care—I am going to deliver massive value, and I care how they feel.
You know that people will forget your name. I forget names all the time. People forget what you do for a living. People forget where you went to college. People forget how they first met you. But what they won’t forget is how you made them feel. You see, we go around our whole lives looking to feel better. Why do you do anything? Why do you want to make more money? Because you want to feel better or you want to feel a certain way. Why do you want to fall in love? Because you want to feel amazing reciprocal warmth and connection. Why do you have a drink? Why do you exercise? Because of the powerful feelings attached to these activities. So remember this truth: “When it comes to your clients, it’s all about them, and it’s all about how they feel, especially after they said yes to purchasing your services, purchasing your company, purchasing whatever it is you have to sell. It’s not about what you think they want. It’s not about what you think they deserve. It all comes down to how they feel.”
As I’m writing this section of the book, I had a reminder as bright as the sun about why it is terrible to not comprehend how someone feels. It was breakfast and my kids and I were sitting around the table. My son has this magical memory, and he happens to love specialty crayons right now. I’m not talking about the typical red or green. He likes the fancy crayons like English Vermillion, Dark Venetian Red, and Permanent Geranium Lake! So we were sitting at the table, and there was a pack of 50 on it. I pulled out a crayon and said to my son, “What color is this?” And he named it. I said, “Wow!” Then I pulled another one out, another one out, and with all of these crazy names he got 50 in a row right.
I was shocked! I was ready to fall off my chair. My daughter, seeing the praise my son got, said, “Let me have them. Let me study them.” So she looked at them for two minutes and while she was doing it, I said, “Hey, guys, we all have unique gifts and unique abilities. That’s just one of Brody’s. I could never do that, but Breana, there are unique gifts you have that Brody doesn’t.”
She said, “Okay, now ask me.” She got the first one wrong and she got a little sad and said, “Let me study them.”
Well, it was five minutes before school, so I said, “Breana, there is no time to study them; you have to go to school.”
She got sad, started to cry, and said, “Dad, it’s all about Brody. You play with him every day in the morning and not me.”
Thinking I was doing the right thing—and failing to recognize that I was not acknowledging how she felt—I said, “Bre, that’s an absolute lie, and you know that it is. Don’t tell yourself a lie, and don’t tell me a lie. I work every day to make sure my time between you and your brother is completely equal. So you told yourself a lie. You told me a lie. I want you to take that back, and I want you to go get ready for school.”
Completely sad, she cried and walked away. It was the first morning in her nine years of life she left without saying “I love you” and giving me a kiss. After she was gone for about a half hour, I felt terrible about what I had done. I had ignored her feelings! I had ignored how she felt. It didn’t matter if it’s true or not; if she felt that way that means it’s real to her!
It hit me so hard that I jumped in the car, went to school, and politely asked to pull her out of class. I walked outside in the courtyard and sat down on a bench with her, looked her in the eye, and said, “Bre, your dad made a massive mistake. It doesn’t matter if I think it’s true. I know I spend time with you and your brother equally. But I dismissed the way you felt. I dismissed your feelings. I basically said, ‘Tuck them down,’ and that what you feel doesn’t matter because your father knows the truth, and I was completely wrong. All that could do is hurt our relationship and make it so you don’t open up to me in the future. And I want to give you my word that I’m going to work hard to never do those things, and if I do, I’ll make sure I fix them right away. And I apologize.”
My daughter’s smile was so unbelievable. And a thousand pounds fell off my shoulders because I saw in an instant that all she wanted was to be understood. She didn’t care about the facts.
Therefore, obsess about how your client or the people in your life feel after they say yes. When you care post-purchase or post-sale just as much as you did pre-sale or pre-purchase, that’s when you are putting to work one of the biggest secret success habits to massive wealth and business and life success.
CAMP OUT
My son used the phrase “epic fail” last week. I’ve heard that term for years now, but you know when your seven-year-old uses it that it’s officially a trendy phrase! Here’s the definition of an epic fail in life and in business: When you don’t “camp out” in the mind of your client, or your spouse, or your children, or your employees, or your employer, you have epically failed!
What exactly do I mean by camp out? Figuratively, it means that I want to set up my tent where they live. In other words, it means I want to walk in their shoes.
If you camped out on a friend’s couch for two weeks and you got to see firsthand their routines, their habits, what they worry about, what their goals are, and what they hate, you would know that person 100 times better than if you knew them only through a handful of transactional conversations.
So I want you to use this analogy and remember that when you camp out in the minds of your clients and everyone you care about, you are moving toward your next level of abundance. You see, people spend copious amounts of money on marketing, advertising, attraction, and persuasion just to get the client to say yes, but after the sale is over, many individuals forget who that client is as a person and what he wants.
Here’s a scenario that illustrates how easy it is to forget. When a start-up happens, everyone is hungry and eager. Your employees are dedicated to understanding the wants of the clients, but then business starts to boom. Now you have to hire more employees, a CFO, a personal assistant, salespeople, and a customer service team. And as your company grows and business is going well, you join the local country club and move into a larger space in a better location.
This scenario plays out in all types of businesses. Your law firm began with four clients and now has 100. Your online business started with 10 buyers a month and now has 500. As a doctor you opened your doors and had four patients a week—and now you have four patients an hour. And guess what happens next? Your company or your job is evolving, which means you’re busier, and you have less time in the day. Or your thoughts are increasingly focused on growing your business, rolling out your marketing, or on all the other extracurricular activities that your growth has created.
In many instances, you neglect or forget what’s going on in the mind of your current clients; you stop camping out in their thoughts. You stop paying attention to their fears, what they want, and what they need from you. Instead you are focused on processes and systems. And of course you need all of that in a business, but when you don’t camp out in the minds of your clients, they feel disconnected, and you’ve blocked yourself from the highest level of success.
And camping out can be used in any area of your life—with your boss, your employees, your parents, your spouse, or even your kids. In terms of this last relationship, I can’t emphasize enough how crucial camping out is—and I’m not talking about going to your local state park. Get to know their lives. I have friends that keep themselves so busy that they miss the chance to bond with their children. And then when they do want to be with their children, they find out they’ve missed their chance because their kids are older or less interested.
How do you think it would help your relationship with your kids if you knew all of their friends’ names? What if you knew what goes on at recess, what class they struggle in, what teacher they like, what teacher annoys them, what’s trendy among their age group, or what boyfriend or girlfriend issues they are having?
You see, we have this tendency to be in physical proximity to our families but not camp out in their thoughts. We often finish their sentences rather than let them tell us what’s on their minds. Or they come home from school and we say, “How was school?” And they say, “Good,” and walk into their room, and the conversation is over.
Instead, what if you look your children in the eyes and ask them questions that you know can engage you both in a conversation and further the relationship? What if instead of “How was school?” you asked, “At recess today did you and Scott play football, or did you play soccer, or did you stay inside and read? Oh, you read today because it was so hot outside. Are you reading that cool book Where the Wild Things Are still?”
Or if you have older kids, and you know that your daughter is frustrated with her job, what if instead of “How is work?” you ask something like, “Is Mr. Smith still making you work late? Have you taken that trip to Vermont you promised yourself in July?”
All of a sudden, you’re no longer just talking to hear yourself talk and asking generic questions. Instead, your kids know that you care and that creates massive connection.
Now maybe you don’t have kids or you are wondering why I shared so much about parenting. It’s because kids touch our hearts, and you should be trying to touch the hearts of everyone from your spouse to your clients, even though they have already said yes to you. If you don’t understand their fears and camp out with their issues, they are going to move on to somebody else who will show them they care.
One of the worst things I see, especially in bigger companies, is when a committee tries to decide what other people want and need. I know I stated previously that people will buy what they want, not necessarily what they need, but let’s talk about what takes place after they have become your client or customer.
When your company gives a lot of refunds, receives numerous returns, fails to have people make repeat purchases, or doesn’t have many long-term customers, the problem is a failure to camp out in people’s minds. Instead, you have started to assume what they want and what they need. When a committee tries to solve the problem and stops listening to the client, it is destined to fail.
To avoid this outcome, here are some tactics to camp out effectively:
All of these tactics should help you listen and camp out in their minds. Let them tell you what they want and provide it to them.
RECIPROCITY
What is the definition of reciprocity and how does it fit in with the “after-the-sale” relationship? First, in the dictionary it may say one thing, but I believe in a somewhat different definition; let’s call it no-strings-attached reciprocity. It means providing value to someone else without asking for anything in return or doing something before someone does something for you.
Most people think, “I’ll do something if there’s something in it for me. If I help that person can they help me?” I’ve been blessed to develop amazing relationships with amazing people by doing something for them and expecting nothing in return. When you give to others without the need for them to give back, that is no-strings-attached reciprocity—it forms the foundation for many successful people and companies. Whether you believe in “Do unto others as you would have done to you” or karma, be the one who makes the first, generous move. Make this who you are rather than how you intend to get ahead. If you do, watch as the gifts, the breakthroughs, the opportunities, and the promotions start flowing your way.
Use reciprocity after the yes and create unexpected rewards for good behaviors. Think about this: How often do you tell your spouse, kids, employees, friends, and family that they have disappointed you? How often do you share what went wrong, and even possibly what kind of discipline there will be because of it?
Conversely, how often do you give a gift or even just a kind word to people who do the right things? When was the last time you said to your spouse, “Thank you for being such a great provider. Thank you for being such a great mother or father.” Or when was the last time you told your kids, “Thanks for making your bed today. Thanks for being so polite the other night when we went out to dinner and you looked our waitress right in the eyes when you spoke.”
And it’s no different in your business or career. When was the last time you said to your clients, “Thank you for being a part of our company. Thank you for sticking with us. Thank you for giving us money. Here’s a gift to show my appreciation.”
For example, if you rent one of my 400 houses around the country, when you pay rent on time for six months, you get a letter that includes a $50 Starbucks card. The letter reads, “You have a choice to pay your rent on time or late, and you choose to pay your rent consistently on time, and I just wanted to say thank you.” People don’t expect either the letter or the gift, and they respond in so many positive ways: tenants stay longer, complain less, and often want to buy the house from me. The letter creates a connection. This isn’t trickery, I truly appreciate them, and I let them know it. By doing so, we move beyond being just tenant and landlord—a purely transactional business arrangement—and build a real relationship. Yes, they are paying me money, and I am providing them a home. That could be enough, a fair exchange. But my ROI on renting single-family homes is significantly above industry standard, and my tenants know that I care even after they give me money.
That’s your goal: Let the people who have said yes in your business and your personal life know that you care. Here’s how.
This is a challenge for you that I know will give you back gifts that you can’t yet foresee: This week, create five handwritten letters of gratitude to people who have made an impact on your life. When was the last time you wrote a handwritten letter? If you can’t write legibly, then type it and e-mail it. But let me assure you, the impact of each letter will be incredible. Send them to clients, a mentor, a teacher, your husband, your wife, your mother, your father, your siblings, your children, your employees, your manager, or your boss.
Here’s an example of a simple, unexpected note of gratitude that you may send: “I just wanted to let you know that today I was sitting here thinking about the evolution of my life, and I’m not sure I’d be where I am today without you keeping me accountable, being tough on me, being so sweet, being so loving, providing love in my life, or being a client who pays me for services that we render. And I’d like to say . . .” Well, you get the point and can fill in the blanks and tailor it to a specific individual.
Do me a favor and take that challenge this week, write those letters, and mail them. Or if you prefer, write them digitally and e-mail them. Better yet, send a gift with your note! Send flowers to someone with a card and discover how grateful people are to receive an unexpected gift; this is how reciprocity is created.
Do this, and the emotion of love will come back to you in waves. If you make this sort of selfless gesture in your personal life, why wouldn’t you do that in business as well? Why wouldn’t you do that with your clients or coworkers? Why wouldn’t you do that with your boss? Why wouldn’t you do that with your employees?
Building reciprocity fosters a long-tail relationship. This means they will use your service, respect you, appreciate you, and refer you for many years to come. This is the opposite of a one-time transaction or short-term relationship. Building these long-tail relationships is a core success habit of most supersuccessful people.
LEARN WHAT MAKES YOUR PEOPLE TICK
If you own your own company and have employees or manage other people who lack motivation or have poor morale—or they’re not getting their jobs done for any reason—consider spending some time just trying to understand them and their world. They said yes to working for you or their employer. Focus on how they feel, and you can get results that are unimaginable at this point. What if their obstacles and challenges are nothing like you think they are? What are their goals? What do they talk about at lunch? What do they think of you and your management style? What do they talk about when they go home to their spouse?
Now let’s flip it around; you said yes to working for another company and want to grow in that environment. Say you’re in a challenging job with a tough boss. Ask yourself these questions:
How does your boss feel about her job? Is he really the arrogant boss who disdains his people, or is he just misunderstood? What are his stresses? What are her worries? What challenges is he facing in his life? How does her boss treat her?
You will get a whole new level of understanding if you make the effort to answer these questions. Then use what you’ve learned to let your boss feel understood—communicate that you are part of her solution, not part of her problem.
Take the same lessons I shared earlier and camp out in the mind of the person you want to work with and you will see things from a new perspective. Eventually you might come to know them well enough to finish their sentences. The end result is that you understand how to be a part of their solution, not a part of the problem.
STRIVE FOR RELATIONSHIPS, NOT TRANSACTIONS
Here is one of the most important success habits shared in this chapter. If you want a next-level business that thrives in today’s environment, remember: When it comes to your clients, be in the relationship business, not the transaction business. People will refund a transaction, but not a relationship. Let me explain this quickly. If you have a transactional relationship with the owner of your local diner, you go there and the conversation goes like this: “Hey, where do you want to sit? Here’s the menu and the specials. What may I get you?” He delivers your food with a smile, you eat, get the check, and you leave. Nothing wrong, food was fine, yet that’s purely transactional, there’s no heart and no personal relationship.
But what if the owner actually spent time getting to know you and building a relationship. What if the conversation was more like, “Hey, Dean, good to see you again. How’s the family? You guys have to bring the kids in soon. We’ll make them those special sundaes again. They sure loved them last time. You want your favorite booth? Green tea, right? Okay you got it!” Now which of those two restaurants are you most likely going to return to for lunch? Which one would you still go back to if for some crazy reason you had a bad meal occasionally? That’s right, the one that you have a deeper relationship with. People bail on transactional relationships fast; they hang tight when it’s a real relationship and they know you care.
If you’re running a business where your relationships with customers are purely transactional, those customers know it. Maybe you’re just pushing product through, or you only care about sales, your refunds are high, your customers are complaining (or they’re not referring you), or you just can’t seem to generate momentum. It’s likely because you really don’t show you care about your customers on the level they need to be cared about. Without realizing it, you view customers from a transactional perspective, not from a relationship one. Securing customer loyalty without a relationship is a difficult task in today’s connected world.
In contrast, if you understand how your customers or clients feel, know where they are coming from, realize how they found you, recognize what they like and don’t like about your product, and grasp what their personal needs are, you will develop a bond with them that transcends the transaction. And once again this builds a long-tail customer rather than a one-time transaction.
NO MORE ASSUMING
Another huge mistake you can make after the yes is assuming you know what people are thinking or feeling. We do that in our personal lives as well as in business, and it can cost you money as well as create unwarranted stress. Let me share a story that had a huge impact on me and helped me learn this lesson of not pretending you know what another person is thinking but making the effort to actually know. My first book, Totally Fulfilled, hit the New York Times bestseller list in 2006, and the following year I wrote Be a Real Estate Millionaire. However, this time I did something different in the way I promoted that book. It was sold in bookstores and other retail outlets like Totally Fulfilled, but I also did an infomercial selling it directly to consumers. It became a massive hit; my biggest book sales to date. In fact, that first show ran every single day all across America for almost 18 months. We were all over TV selling thousands and thousands of copies of Be a Real Estate Millionaire weekly. But it almost never happened because I assumed I knew what a key team member was thinking.
I made a deal to have someone interview me on camera. He was great at it and came highly recommended. At the time I had already been on TV for seven or so years with infomercials. But this was the first time I was going to do a sit-down Larry King–type interview. Watching Larry King interview Joel Osteen one night gave me the idea to do that type of show. I knew that if Larry King had said, “Love Joel or not, if you want his brand-new book, call the number below and get it at a discount right now,” it would have been a massive hit! It became all I could think about. So I was ready to replicate that type of show with a great host, and I found someone I thought would be perfect. I made a deal with him and a shoot date was set.
The day of the shoot I arrived at the studio and I was a little nervous, because I wasn’t using a script. Instead, I wanted to speak from my heart. I wanted to share real stories and real emotion in an unscripted, back-and-forth interview. Keep in mind that this was at the beginning of the recession. The economy was tanking, mortgages were being foreclosed on, and I was going on TV to sell a book on real estate investing. Everybody told me I was crazy. Friends and even family were telling me, “No one’s going to want to figure out how to make money in real estate. People are losing their homes; they just want to survive right now, Dean!”
I stayed positive and ignored the naysayers and continued on schedule to launch this book and infomercial. What made my nerves even worse was overthinking. On the way to the studio to record the infomercial, I became increasingly anxious. Would I sound good? Would I be able to share from my heart and not freeze up?
So I arrived a bit nervous, walked into the studio, and the TV host kind of snubbed me. I was taken aback initially, and I jumped to a conclusion: “This guy thinks I’m crazy for doing this too.”
Then the TV host said to me, “What questions do you want me to ask you?”
I replied, “I really don’t want any questions. I just want you to try and prove me wrong. Try and prove that I’m not the real deal, or that I don’t know real estate, and that now is not a good time to invest. Let’s make this interview as real as they come. If I’m the real deal and speak from the heart, people will feel it.” Again, I felt as if he thought I was making a mistake; he gave me a skeptical look and walked straight into the makeup room. It was almost as if he was rejecting my book and my message. And I’ll admit, I allowed those feelings to fester inside me. I was upset enough that I was a moment away from canceling the whole interview. I even started thinking, maybe another time, maybe I wasn’t prepared enough.
I had created a story in my head about this TV host. I was all worked up, thinking, “This guy doesn’t believe I’m the real deal. Does he think this is a joke?” I became even more nervous and agitated.
Then we sat down on the interview set, and he looked at me and said, “Dean, I’m sorry if I’m acting weird. I’m just so intimidated by you. You are so good on camera—you’re a damn legend in this arena, and I’ve been a huge fan for years. I’m excited to do this interview. I’m just a little nervous and, unfortunately, getting over the flu.”
Now I want you to think about what I did. I was stressed for an hour thinking the TV host snubbed me and didn’t believe in me. I made up all these stories in my mind about how the host thought I was a joke. And I was flat-out wrong! What a waste of mental energy, right? I felt so silly. But at least this story ends well; I went on the air, and spoke from the heart. He did a magnificent job interviewing me, and this infomercial became the biggest and best show I’d ever done. It was a monster hit. That show alone sold hundreds of thousands of books, and I got to help families all over America safely invest in real estate.
So why that story, and what does it have to do with the after-the-sale secrets to more success? Because, at the time of that story, I was already a seasoned business owner, a millionaire with many great accomplishments. I already lived by the rule of “No assuming.” Nonetheless, I made assumptions that simply weren’t true. So keep reminding yourself of this no-assumption rule, and recognize that if you’re making these types of assumptions, you aren’t as relationship focused as you should be for next-level growth.
Think back and ask yourself how many times have you made this same mistake with a business relationship, a spouse, a child, a coworker, a boss, or an employee? Your mind starts chugging like a runaway freight train, and these wild, manufactured thoughts cause all this extra stress in your life for no reason. Well, if it can happen in your personal life, then it can surely happen with your clients. Do you think you know what they are thinking or do you really know? Do whatever it takes to really know and watch the growth in whatever area of your life to which you apply this philosophy.