Chapter 17
Bringing Harmony to Your Life
In This Chapter
Maintaining mindfulness at home
Having a mindful attitude at work
Improving your relationships with other people
Reassessing your personal values
Sharing mindfulness with other people
Mindfulness-based cognitive therapy (MBCT) can be a positive influence on your lifestyle, productivity and relationships – both personal and professional. This chapter looks at handling different challenges that affect your daily life, dealing with other people and supporting yourself. I want to demonstrate that mindful living really is possible and that you can use mindfulness to achieve a calmer and more satisfying life. Who knows, perhaps it may even be the tool that saves the world from self-destruction.
I introduce you to applying mindfulness at home, and on the way to, from and while you’re at work. Plus, I describe some helpful mindful pauses throughout the day and how you can apply mindfulness to your communication and interaction with others. Throughout, I provide loads of mindful meditations and exercises as well as lots of practical tips for you to use.
Try to cultivate a mindset of acceptance, moment-to-moment wakefulness and compassion for yourself and for all beings.
Accepting the Importance of Mindful Living
Being and living mindfully isn’t a sticking plaster, a quick-fix panacea or a swift takeaway that you can use for curing problematic issues. On the contrary, mindful living invites you to be aware, kind and compassionate for the rest of your life. If more and more individuals were to work on creating a mindful society, people wouldn’t need to wait for a miracle to change all the suffering on Earth. The more mindfully individuals conduct their everyday living, the better they make the world for themselves and for other people.
If you want to change the world, all you need to do is change yourself; allowing change to unfold gradually and gently and most of all peacefully. Living mindfully means applying awareness and moment-to-moment experience to everything you do on a daily basis. Eventually, meditating becomes part of your regular repertoire of going through life, while at the same time each conversation, each meal, each project and each interaction with others can be like a meditation. Be really connected to the one experience you’re having in the present moment and let go of all worries about the past and the future.
Employing mindfulness meditation can enable you to bring a sense of meaning and purpose to your life, based on the understanding that everything is interconnected and therefore depends on everything else. Mindfulness practice has long moved on from medicine and psychotherapy and is now being taught to parents and in schools, prisons, the workplace, sports and even politics. I hope that it spreads like a virus, for this planet needs urgent changes now if the next generations are to survive and flourish.
Jon Kabat-Zinn, the man who first brought mindfulness into the world of medicine, is so eloquent and aware when he says:
There is so much suffering in the world. Who are we not to respond to it . . . a lot of our efforts go into professional training, toward developing a whole new generation of people deeply grounded in this universal dharma expression and committed to bringing it into the world in various ways as a skilful means for healing and transformation at a time that the world is crying out for kindness and wisdom.
Dharma is a Sanskrit word that refers to the idea of a natural order of things. It refers to living in a harmonious way so that all beings can live happily and with as little suffering as possible.
Homing in on Domestic Mindfulness
Kindly experiment with applying mindfulness to every step you take throughout the day. Mindfulness starts in your heart and its application is most likely to happen when you’re at home. Anything and everything can become your practice ground, with actions big and small offering you opportunities to apply awareness:
Mindful waking up: See the next section for ideas.
Mindful use of water: When you brush your teeth, for example, turn off the tap. Perhaps collect rainwater to water your plants.
Mindful daily hygiene: Whenever you brush your teeth or clean your body, be really present with each detail of the activity.
Mindful cooking, eating and clearing up: Check out the later section ‘Enjoying your morning routine’ for suggestions.
Mindfully relating to people who live with you: Let kindness and compassion reside in your heart when you talk to your family, flatmates, and so on. Maybe you can sometimes just wash up the dishes they forget to clear rather than tell them too often. On other occasions, you can ask them whether they can help you clear up your dishes or clean the bathroom and show them appreciation when they do.
Mindful use of time: Being a couch potato is a highly infectious ailment. Consider using some of your spare time to practise mindfulness or do something compassionate.
Mindful bedtime routines: The more you train your body to expect certain routines before going to bed, the easier you’re going to find deep sleep. Give yourself a good hour to switch off and mindfully experience each part of the journey of going to bed.
Waking with an open mind
The way you enter your morning sets you up with the right attitude for the rest of the day. Kindly start the day by noticing how your body and mind are feeling. On waking up, please consider focusing on gratitude for another day of life and for a number of other gifts:
1. Lie in your bed gently for a little longer and watch your breath. Listen to any sounds and allow your thoughts to pass through your awareness, as if you’re watching a short movie.
2. Breathe in kindness and, on breathing out, let go of any worries for the day. Stay with your breathing and the simple joy this new day may bring.
3. See whether you can notice any particular emotions in your body. If so, name them. Gently ask yourself what’s occupying your mind most intensely right now and then let it pass by.
4. Open your eyes mindfully. Enjoy whatever you see first.
5. Stretch and wriggle your toes and fingers. Do so mindfully of course!
6. Breathe a few conscious breaths. Be really aware of the areas of your body expanding and deflating.
Getting up on the right side of bed
If you tend to do your longer meditations in the afternoon or evening, still focus for a few minutes on simply tasting your breath as soon as you wake up.
First thing in the morning, begin your day by simply noting:
How does your body feel? What emotions are present? Is your mind calm or already racing off to work?
Notice whether you’ve a sense of your body feeling comfortable or tense. Are you feeling calm, anxious, annoyed or maybe just neutral? What’s on your mind?
Sit up mindfully and feel your feet connecting to the floor.
Observe your mood now and all sensations in your body.
Enjoying your morning routine
Turn your entire morning routine into mindfulness practice. Here are some ideas:
Bring mindfulness to getting dressed, really noticing how each piece of clothing slips on and feels on your body. Can you be mindful when you button up a shirt or blouse?
Be mindful when you’re in the shower, truly feeling the temperature of the water on your skin, the smell of the shower gel and shampoo. Mindfully dry your body and hair, with kindness and patience. Perhaps smile deep down into your body.
If you notice that your mind is starting to make plans for the day, kindly and gently bring yourself back to this moment. A mindful bath or shower is cleansing for your body and mind and sets you up for a good start to the day.
Make breakfast for yourself (and others) mindfully, thinking about the purpose of taking care of yourself and others now and throughout the day. This first meal of the day requires a gentle and kindly attitude to reawaken your whole system. Enjoy it with all your senses: feel the texture, enjoy the smell, the taste and how a number of different items can be combined into a glorious, tasty concoction. As best you can, eat each mouthful while being utterly awake and alert, seeing how many aspects of the ingredients are still noticeable.
Try not to think about whatever household chores are waiting for you, and, as best as you can, engage mindfully with every action, finding an enjoyable aspect to it. Then add a little gratitude. When washing-up, for example, enjoy the warm water and the lovely smell of the liquid soap, without feeling any resentment for having to do it. Focus on the miracle that your hands know exactly how to squeeze, hold a cloth and move the way you want them to. Experiment with letting go of negative thoughts about the duty and find yourself involved in an amazing experience of temperature, bubbles, smells, textures and colours.
Flip to Chapter 6 for mindfulness master Thich Nhat Hanh’s reflections on the washing-up experience.
Starting with a positive attitude
If you think about your day ahead using MBCT, you avoid panicking about all the tasks and responsibilities you have from the start and instead think about them in a productive but stress-free way.
Before you leave, if pets or other family members are in the house, make sure that you say an intentional goodbye, making eye contact and connecting to them sincerely.
Each day has the potential for many, many moments of experience. The more you step out of autopilot, the more you can notice even the smallest miracle, just like seeing the first snowdrop in spring.
Open your heart for the whole day and allow it to connect to things and people that give you a sense of wellbeing. Write them down in your diary if you find doing so useful, using colours and drawings to be even more open and receptive. Here are just a few ideas:
The smell of coffee or fresh bread you made overnight in a bread maker
The taste of delicious strawberries or any fruit you find enticing
The sense of silky skin when putting on a lovely body lotion
The joy of wearing your favourite jumper
The love from others who notice your kindness and awareness
An adorable cat engaged in its personal grooming
Kindly add any more ideas to your diary. Consider making this a little ritual, and when you feel a little down you can reread your notes.
Cats are intended to teach us that not everything in nature has a purpose.
—G. Keillor
Preparing yourself for the rigours of the day
Whatever form of transport you use to travel to work, the journey time offers opportunities for mindful practice:
If you’re driving a car, use a red traffic light as a reminder to be mindful on the road and not completely move into autopilot. Ask yourself whether you’re still grounded and aware of your surroundings. If not, take a few mindful breaths. Can you feel your feet on the pedals and your hands on the steering wheel? Bring awareness to everything around you so that you can respond promptly should you need to.
Don’t expect everything on your journey to run smoothly. Being mindful can show you something quite amazing or make you alert if danger appears out of nowhere.
If you’re travelling by public transport, instead of listening to music or reading the newspaper, focus your awareness on the sounds of life that are coming and going as you travel. Instead of judging sounds as pleasant or unpleasant, experiment with switching on your childlike curiosity. You could focus on voices around you, not on the content of conversations but rather the pitch of sounds, the distance or closeness of it and their length and intensity. You could focus on traffic sounds, on sounds that people make when they type on their laptops or ruffle with shopping bags or on the sound of the brakes and whatever else happens to occur. This is your sound world to explore with an open, non-judgemental mind. All sounds can become an ongoing background tapestry, and in the foreground you might want to focus on your in- and out-breath.
If you work from home, try sitting down mindfully, grounding yourself and observing your natural breathing. Experiment with doing this before turning on your computer. Kindly remember that you do have choices in how you respond to situations, but only a clear and calm mind can access those choices.
Attempt to treat everything that comes up during your day in a mindful way, using the breathing space exercise from Chapter 6 whenever you feel symptoms of stress, or whenever you want or need to use this exercise.
Relaxing and enjoying yourself
Make sure that you allow regular time for just being: taking regular breaks, having conversations with the people around you, checking on whether anybody needs a hand. Perhaps you can listen to a piece of music you like for a little while, being really present when you do so: hearing all the individual instruments, the vocal changes, the lead melody and bringing to your awareness what you find so special about this piece of music.
In today’s busy world, make time consciously for mindfulness, rather than hoping to find it:
See whether you can think of something that you do regularly that can be reduced or left out occasionally, so that you’ve more time to experience life as it unfolds.
Pencil in some time every week to treat yourself to something uplifting and experience it mindfully (a massage, reflexology, a visit to the hairdresser, a sauna and swim, a walk in a beautiful park or wood, or going to the cinema, theatre, an exhibition or a concert).
Make room for keeping in touch with friends or family. A phone call is great because it connects you to the voice of the other person and the joy of sound. A handwritten letter or card is also lovely, though, because you increase awareness through touch and sight. Receiving one is great too, because it rarely happens except at Christmas or birthdays. Celebrate the ordinary!
Winding down
Sleep is incredibly important. Without enough, you’re more vulnerable to illness (diabetes, heart disease, depression and even unwanted weight gain) and more prone to accidents. Furthermore, you’ll be less able to pick up new skills or retain new mental data, and more likely to feel sleepy and irritable. During sleep, the body produces growth hormones that help to repair anything in your body that needs it. As you may have heard, some victims involved in accidents are put into artificial sleep in order to heal faster.
Frequently staying up too late, consuming drinks containing caffeine to keep you alert and using a gin and tonic to wind down when you come home can all cause sleep problems.
Here are two suggestions to help improve the quality of your sleep:
Replace the quick-fix gin and tonic: Instead, practise meditation when you get back from work. Even a brief breathing meditation helps you to let go of whatever is still waiting in the office for you. Surely it’ll be there tomorrow, so allow this thought to pass. For now, you need not concern yourself with anything but now.
Apply consistency: Get good rest every night and don’t try to catch up on your weekends. Really enjoy feeling rested and alert when you get enough sleep. Take notice of how you feel when you’re full of beans.
Please consider following this wind-down routine (of course, adapt it to your personal circumstances):
1. Open your front door, walk in and greet all the people and animals in view.
2. Change into more comfortable clothes – this is helpful not only if you want to relax, but also because your mind finds it easier to let go of work thoughts.
3. Have a delicious cup of herbal tea with honey and engage in a ten-minute breathing, viewing or listening meditation (along the lines that I describe in Chapters 4 and 7).
4. Check whether dinner is ready or whether you can fix it mindfully.
5. Eat at least the first few bites of your meal with mindful awareness, tasting the food, smelling it and enjoying it.
6. Congratulate the cook (even if that’s yourself); conduct any conversation mindfully, listening and responding with kindness.
7. Clear up mindfully – washing the dishes, wiping the surfaces, and so on.
8. Think about playing a game with your partner, children or flatmates as a lovely alternative to the TV, or carry out a longer mindfulness meditation.
9. Two hours before bedtime, disengage from all electronic devices – reading something not too exciting or listening to music is a good option.
10. Give yourself plenty of time for a mindful bathroom routine.
11. Engage in some mindful breathing when you lie down, allowing the mind to settle completely.
12. Sleep like a baby.
Employing Mindfulness at Work
No matter where you work or in what capacity, MBCT can help you remain calm and stress free as well as get the most out of your work day. While you’re at work, you benefit from having a number of short interventions to hand. You can fit any of the following into your schedule, however busy:
See events as they really are, without adding drama or anxiety to them. For example, if your boss asks you to have a document ready ‘one minute ago’, take a quick breathing space moment (see Chapter 6). Thereafter, rather than arguing or explaining, use however much time you require – no more, no less – to complete the task. Deliver the document in a neutral fashion, without allowing yourself to succumb to any unnecessary confrontational reactions (for example, sending it along with a sarcastically worded email).
Research shows that smiling changes your internal chemistry for the better (you produce serotonin and endorphins, which are chemicals that make you feel better and improve your immune system). You can see regular smiling as a ticket to better health, even leading to lower heart rates. The English writer Joseph Addison wrote, ‘What sunshine is to flowers, smiles are to humanity’. Expressing friendliness for the benefit of others as well as yourself is something that can become part of your values (for more on this subject, check out the later section ‘Assessing Your Core Values’).
Send all your emails mindfully, by putting yourself in the place of the person receiving the correspondence. Time is precious! Less is more!
Take a breathing space moment before any meeting you attend. This way you can be fresh, alert and in the moment for everybody who’s participating, including yourself.
Practise acceptance and compassion. When you find a co-worker difficult, give that person an opportunity to talk a little about themselves. Maybe ask an invitational question, such as, ‘What kind of a day are you having today?’ Listen carefully and only respond in a way that is going to benefit the two of you.
Observe your body. Every couple of hours or so, sweep through your body with a gentle body scan meditation (from Chapter 4) to check in with how you’re feeling. Breathe into areas of tension, drink water regularly (not only when you notice that you’re thirsty) and go for a mindful mini-walk, even if it’s just to the toilet and back. Your body loves moving. While washing your hands, you can do a few gentle neck rolls and massage your face with your fingertips; and remember to smile.
Use your computer to remind you with a 'bell' sound (which you can download at www.insightmeditationcenter.org/meditation-timers) to do a short listening practice. Also, download some screensavers for a brief viewing meditation (see Chapter 7). Alternatively, pin up pictures, paintings or posters that you like to view (for example, pictures of nature such as mountains, forests, or the ocean, or perhaps animals like cats or dogs).
Focusing on each individual task
Let this very moment of your life always be your priority. When you start stressing about the multitude of things that need doing, you create chemicals in your body that reduce your ability to utilise your creativity and focus (see Chapter 7 for lots more on stress). A gentler, less exhausting way of being is to focus on each individual task at hand; this way, you’re much more likely to get the most out of your time and energy.
Please follow these steps to make a creative to-do list for yourself:
1. Take an A4 sheet of paper, fold it in the middle and then once more so that you have four equal squares when you unfold it.
2. Select four different coloured pens, such as red, orange, deep yellow and green like traffic lights, or any colours you prefer.
3. Write in the top left square with the urgent colour red, all things that are so urgent that you have to deal with them today.
4. Move to the top right square, and write in orange all actions that require your attention within three days.
5. Cover all things that need sorting out within a week in the bottom left square in yellow.
6. Mark the less urgent demands that you can deal with during the next month in the bottom right square, in green.
I suspect that almost immediately you sense relief, because you’ve arranged a system that, though not written in stone, offers you the possibility of mindfully working out one thing at a time, step by step. Often, the red square ends up with only a few points in it, and when you’ve completed those you can reward yourself and pick an easy task from any of the other columns.
If you have more than ten or so items in the red box then mindfully read them again and see whether you could move a few to another column. Be mindful and compassionate, yet also firm. Would you really lose your job or would something terrible happen if a couple of actions have to wait? This is called mindful discernment and self-compassion.
You may think that this list-making is time-consuming and may need to be repeated every day. My personal observation, however, is that within a relatively short period your brain learns to differentiate the most urgent from the least urgent so that lists may no longer be required.
This list-making reduces anxiety, switching your body system from the ‘threat response’ to the ‘be now’ response. When you no longer produce stress chemicals, more oxygen reaches your brain and you will feel more effective and satisfied.
Making sure not to overload yourself
You need to try not to overload yourself workwise, but doing so can be a real challenge. In difficult economic times, fewer people are being paid to do bigger jobs. But mindfulness can help you to cope with this extra demand without breaking down and without leaving a great pile on your desk waiting to be worked through. Mindfulness can assist you in being assertive, in being much better at managing your time and in being honest with your line manager about what you can or can’t do. Here are a few suggestions to help you out:
Recognise how much you can take on and be honest about it, with yourself and your manager.
Realise your potential by focusing on one task until you’ve completed it.
Allow yourself to delegate – find somebody whom you can trust and train to take on some of the overload, and be sure to praise them for their input.
Develop compassion for yourself and others.
Sometimes you have to say no, or ‘not now, but tomorrow’. By speaking kindly, sincerely and honestly, your words are more likely to be received with acceptance from other people.
Responding to pressure and criticism
Mindful techniques can help you deal with pressure from colleagues, unmanageable workloads, impatient clients, and so on. One particular challenge is attention deficit trait (ADT). For details, check out the nearby sidebar ‘Paying attention to ADT’.
As you’re already barely coping, ADT can cause you to go to work even when you know that you should stay in bed. As a result, you force your system to give you bigger and bigger signals of being unwell. In many cases, burn-out is the final outcome. Burn-out happens when you allow exhaustion to run your life and don’t allow yourself enough recharge periods or rest, so you run down like an empty battery. Physical symptoms can include physical fatigue, frequent illness and sleep problems. Emotional symptoms include disillusionment with the job, the loss of a sense of meaning and cynicism towards your organisation or clients, feelings of helplessness, frustration of efforts and a lack of power to change events, strong feelings of anger against the people we hold responsible for the situation and feelings of depression and isolation. Behavioural symptoms can include increasing detachment from co-workers, increased absenteeism, an increased harshness in dealing with your team, marked reduction in your commitment to work and increased addictive behaviours.
Kindly read the bullet points in the preceding section to help you stay well in a frantic world.
Here are a few additional skills that you can use when feeling under pressure or being criticised:
Have regular breaks and go for a mindful stroll, even if it lasts just a couple of minutes.
Drink a cup of tea mindfully: feel the cup’s shape and surface, notice the temperature, smell and sip the beverage mindfully.
Work together as a team (humans are social creatures at heart), offering little treats, fruit or other healthy snacks to your colleagues and yourself.
Allow the content of any criticism to sink in gently. Ask yourself what lessons you can take from it, maybe even taking guidance and positive ideas. If you feel, however, after due consideration, that it’s unfounded (in your opinion), kindly offer your perspective to the person criticising you (albeit in a calm, constructive manner) or decide to let it pass.
As so often, Shakespeare has a suitably wise quote on the subject (from Hamlet): ‘For there is neither good nor bad, but thinking makes it so’.
Surround yourself with plants, because studies show that they can help to improve indoor air. Useful air enhancers are Aloe Vera, Spider plant, Snake plant, Golden Pothos, Chrysanthemums, Weeping Fig, Azalea, English ivy, Chinese Evergreen, Bamboo Palm and Peace Lily. Most of these plants are easy to look after and really improve air quality. Plus, they can also serve as an object for a brief viewing meditation (check out Chapter 7 for details).
Knowing when you’ve done enough and setting up boundaries
Mindful self-compassion means knowing that creating and maintaining boundaries is perfectly fine.
Through the practice of MBCT, you can develop the confidence and inner strength to know that you’ve done enough for today. Kindly recognise and share with the relevant person that, for now, your load is done. You may have other arrangements for which you want to be on time or you may simply feel that your body needs to stop now. This awareness grows through practising mindfulness. The majority of people, however, who aren’t trained in being more sensitive and aware, tend to focus mainly on their own agenda. As a result, stopping work can be challenging when others try to pressure you into doing more than you feel able to give at this moment in time.
A helpful technique is called the broken record intervention. Each time your co-worker or manager tries to convince you to do a little more or at least to complete the task in hand even though you’re done for the day, please try to do the following:
1. Breathe mindfully, ground yourself and feel like a mountain/oak tree (flip to Chapter 6 for ideas on standing strong).
2. Offer a meaningful but unwavering response, calmly and kindly, such as: ‘I think I’ll do a much better job tomorrow morning’.
3. Repeat the exact same answer, like a broken record, as long as it takes for the other party to understand and accept it.
4. Remember that your ‘no’ remains a polite ‘no’; no more, no less.
Making time for mindfulness practice
In today’s busy world, you’re going to have to make a conscious decision as to which part of your frantic life you can alter in order to create the time and space for your daily meditation practice. Here are a few tips that many people find useful:
Experiment with getting up a little earlier and meditating before the mad rush begins. The early hours of the day are filled with fresh air, bird song and the rising of the sun.
Consider practising first thing after returning home, so that you make a clean break from work to private leisure time.
Think about cutting down a little on your Internet use, television use or reading papers.
Perhaps write an activity schedule for one week, not changing anything but just noting down how many hours you usually watch TV, sit at the computer or read newspapers and magazines. You can also write down how much pleasure each of these activities gives you, with 1 being low and 10 being excellent. The following week, decide to cut out time from those activities that give you least pleasure. All you need is about 45 minutes a day to give you the regular time you need for meditation.
Add a number of shorter practices on the way to work (read the earlier section ‘Preparing yourself for the rigours of the day’ for some ideas) or while taking a break.
Enhancing Your Relationships
Whether you want to improve and nourish your relationships at home or at work, here are a handful of mindful principles that you can try and be aware of and implement on a daily basis:
Aim to be really present when you’re with another person. Pay attention to what people are trying to say to you, observe their body language and also the feelings and body responses you notice in yourself.
Accept others for who they are, as best as you can. If their actions hurt or annoy you, remember that everyone is imperfect and try to criticise only the deed and not the whole person. For example, say ‘I get frustrated when you’re late’ instead of ‘you’re always late’.
Bear in mind and observe other people’s talents and gifts rather than only their shortcomings. Try to give positive feedback, and when you notice something special, share your appreciation with the other person. Everybody likes somebody saying something nice to them out of the blue, because it’s an unexpected gift.
Show appropriate, considerate friendliness to other people, depending on the relationship you have with each other.
Ask whether you can help the other person with anything. Offer kindness, generosity of spirit and real help.
Communicating mindfully
On a daily basis, you engage in verbal and nonverbal communication with others. Practising calm communication helps to decrease miscommunication, missed communication and confusion, which can so often lead to conflict and tension.
First and foremost, listen to yourself and identify your strengths and weaknesses in communication. During a conversation, use short statements at first and leave plenty of space for yourself to check that you said what you meant. If not, try again and point out to the other person that you weren’t altogether satisfied with your first statement. Initially, this approach appears like discovering a new language, but with practice in the long run you save a lot of time and anguish.
I invite you to consider a situation: you want to leave work earlier so as not to be late for your partner’s concert. How do you ask a colleague to step in for you? Take a few mindful breaths and ground yourself. Use fewer words and more breaks so that the other person has time to digest your request and to answer truthfully.
Here’s how the conversation may go:
‘Hi Moni, my girlfriend is playing at a gig tonight.’ Pause. ‘I’d like to ask you whether you can help me out.’ Pause. ‘I don’t think I can finish these applications today. They’re really urgent.’ Pause. ‘I’d be very grateful if you could take over so I can leave on time.’ Pause.
Whatever the answer, thank Moni for listening and accept whatever help she may or may not offer. In each of the pauses, Moni may say something, or not. Take her responses into account. Even if she replies unhelpfully, see whether you can respond wisely and skilfully. The worst-case scenario is that you have to come in a little earlier tomorrow.
Mindful communication helps you to develop more honest, compassionate and flexible interaction with others.
Being mindful of your body language
Bringing awareness to the way you communicate via your body language – as in how you hold and present yourself – is another essential point to bear in mind at work and at home:
Use appropriate eye contact, so that the other person feels heard and acknowledged. No need to stare, though, and make people feel nervous.
Allow your facial muscles to be relaxed and, when appropriate, add a gentle genuine smile. Remember to smile with your mouth and your eyes.
Keep your arms and legs relaxed and open (rather than crossed), because it sends a signal of non-threat. It also indicates that you’re confident, comfortable and interested.
Breathe into areas that you notice feeling stiff, such as your neck or when your shoulders hunch up. Let them go loose on the out-breath.
Indicate that you’re really present and involved when listening: nodding and saying ‘hmm’ and ‘I see’ are helpful responses.
Be careful, however, not to interrupt people!
Choose your words mindfully. Leave time for the person to respond.
Communicate with your heart as well as your words, because sometimes words can’t express the exact nuance you’re trying to convey. Try to imbue your words with the feelings that have caused you to want to say them, and the other person is more likely to pick up your meaning.
Noticing when and why moods change
The more you check in with your state of being, the more quickly you notice when you’re feeling off-kilter. You may have had a disagreement with somebody or witnessed one, slept too little, be fighting an infection, worked too long without a break or have a deadline that seems oh so close. And when you’re feeling off-kilter or on edge, you may need to bring more mindfulness to your relationships with, and any communication you have with, other people. Take as an example arriving home late and hungry and being immediately asked by the person you live with how your day was. You may want to snap and say ‘awful’. But with a little mindfulness, you may be able to say, ‘I just need a little break – could we talk in twenty minutes, please?’
When you observe that you’re feeling a little upset, aggressive, anxious, and so on, kindly take a breathing space meditation from Chapter 6.
Consider following these suggested steps:
1. Feel into your body and notice what sensations are present. For example, heat and tingling, heart racing, numbness, fatigue, breathlessness, itchiness, and so on.
2. Scan your thoughts briefly. Are they jumping from tree to tree like a wild monkey? Are they focusing on all the things that you’re dissatisfied with at the moment, and then luring you into the past where you can really have a celebration of the debacle called life: the unfairness of it all, the state of the world, wondering whether there’s any purpose and if so what that may be? Plus, these thoughts may also pull you into the future, focusing on all the battles still to fight, the tensions and challenges to survive, and then coming to terms with ageing and death.
3. Observe these thoughts and then take a good while to connect to your breathing. If thoughts arise and get in the way, gently but firmly let them pass by and refocus on your breath. This breath connects you more than anything to being alive in this moment.
4. Notice as the onslaught moves more and more into the background of your awareness, leaving just you, your breath and this moment. Appreciate that, in this moment, everything is kind of okay. Now you don’t have to suffer or battle, but simply be.
5. Realise that your body sensations may be appearing calmer and more focused. Even if you still feel discomfort, it’s most probably less raw. You’re alive and breathing. Feel your feet firmly on the ground, linking to three points of contact (little toe, big toe and your heel) and maybe imagine a symbol of strength and balance: a mountain, a strong animal or a big ancient tree.
Having realistic expectations and accepting the notion of change
Expectations can lead to inevitable disappointments, because they’re created by you. Even though the trigger may be based on social values or external expectations (for example, by your parents), you and no one else decides whether you want to live up to expectations or whether they seem unobtainable and perhaps even unhelpful for you. Too many individuals constantly push themselves harder than they should or even want to, just because they think that this behaviour is what’s expected of them. For example, your parents may have hoped that you’d always look like a television star, fully groomed and ready for a photo shoot, but on some days you might just prefer to hang out in leggings and big t-shirts. Dare instead to be yourself and be less concerned about what others expect.
Accepting the notion of change is also important, because the fact that your existence and your experience of it constantly changes is the only thing that’s absolutely certain and unavoidable. You may not like this inevitable fact, but getting used to and accepting it as a fact is best, because change is going to happen continuously throughout your life.
Mindfully observing natural change is really helpful, for example:
In nature: The seasons or the weather.
In your appearance: From baby, to child, to adolescent, and so on.
In technology: Increased computerisation and mobile phone innovations.
In family structures: New family members added through marriages and couples having children.
Considering these givens helps you to get to grips with constant change in your life.
The more you can live in this moment, which constitutes your unfolding life, the less you set yourself up for disappointment and exhaustion. All beings are subject to change and unknown alterations in their life courses. If you realise that other people are struggling in the same ways that you are and you’re able to provide them with compassion, you create an atmosphere around you where they’ll be more likely (and may indeed desire) to reciprocate and act compassionately towards you, so enhancing your relationships with them. At the very least, this compassionate atmosphere will lead you to treat yourself more kindly.
You gain the most benefit from changing your internal language. Talk to yourself with kindness and at least attempt to add a little dash of compassion to your communications with other people too, even if the other person is challenging in their behaviour. Instead of saying: ‘How can you be so stupid and forget mum’s birthday again?’, for example, you might try ‘I wonder whether you might want to get a birthday diary. You know how mum really appreciates a little token of love on her birthday.’
Assessing Your Core Values
Discovering what you really value and care about in life happens automatically the more you practise and develop mindfulness. For example, you may well notice that cruelty in the news becomes harder to accept and even to observe. You can also decide to revisit the core values you were taught by the people who raised you – in particular, to consider whether you still think of those core values as valuable. Have you collected some on your way of growing older and wiser? Which ones do you no longer keep in this phase of your life? What would be the most important value to teach your child or your co-worker?
As mindfulness grows and awareness unfolds, so do certain basic positive attitudes:
Acceptance: Taking things and events as they are, at least initially, and then responding wisely to them. Accepting others even if they appear different in their views or looks – someone, that is, who moves in a different social sphere to you (such as a punk, a school child or a businessman) – for the simple reason that they too suffer and struggle.
Curiosity: Being like a child who completely lives for each present experience and never worries about it and whether it counts as being valuable. This momentary aspect of life is worthwhile simply because it’s part of the whole.
Generosity: Being generous of spirit and of actions. Showing awareness when, perhaps out of fear, you occasionally bend the truth about your finances to avoid admitting that you’re able to help others in need. The reverse can also be true: you may have little and give a lot. If you like to be generous, try and find a balance so that those who need your support, like your family, for instance, feel cared for and looked after too. Not because charity begins at home, but rather because everyone is part of a bigger thing called humanity.
Kindness and compassion: Helping others, even if their deeds may make them undeserving, for the simple reason that they’re alive.
Trust: Being more in tune with the wisdom of your heart and therefore open to experiences that you may have shied away from before (for example, talking to a homeless person or a beggar).
Looking at what makes people human
Please think about what you have in common with everyone else. All humans share the same basic needs for survival (food, water, shelter), but they also yearn for companionship, kindness and purpose. If you want to apply mindfulness to all your interactions with other humans, you need to be fully present, pay attention and see what you can offer other people in need.
Every day of your life presents opportunities to share a little kindness and a little help. In mindful mode, you’re more likely to feel how you may make a difference. Check out Table 17-1 for some examples.
Please write down in your mindfulness diary how you can change some of your behaviours out of kindness and consideration for others, and without feeling like a martyr. Being thoughtful feels great, because when you’re compassionate towards other people the self-compassion centre in your brain becomes stimulated too. Win–win!
Seeing how your values agree or conflict with those of other people
Almost everything is becoming more and more commercialised, including practices such as yoga, Pilates, meditation and mindfulness. Open any yoga magazine, for example, and you find adverts for mats, cushions and outfits in matching colours, as well as for the latest trendy yogi, who’s slim, trim and beautiful.
Please be mindful of falling into the potential trap of thinking that you can buy values, mindfulness and peace of mind. Think about how you can use your valued resources, and remember that you can offer your time, knowledge and kind actions instead of or in addition to money. The gesture can be as small as no longer accepting plastic carrier bags in shops and bringing your own reusable ones.
I invite you to ask yourself the following questions as a way of sorting out your values and how strongly you feel them:
Do you know what you want to stand for?
Are you prepared to voice your deepest-held truths, even if they’re against the trend of the masses?
How do you want to express your principles through the way you live your life?
Are you ready or working towards certain commitments that improve you and the world?
Please spend a moment remembering what really matters to you. Make a list of your values and pin them up on the fridge so that you and everybody in your household see them regularly. Perhaps also have them as a screensaver on your computer.
Here are a few suggestions for demonstrating that you have a big and compassionate heart:
Express gratitude for all the different gifts life has bestowed on you.
Perhaps give up some of your precious time and become engaged in an action that makes a real difference.
Have a heart-to-heart talk with a friend.
Offer a generous donation to nourish your community or gift an item that helps somebody out.
Commit to developing a mindful relationship with money, even if doing so means considering changing your profession or present employer and earning less, and live more fully the life you long for and the world requires.
Accepting the imperfection of human beings
If you feel able to offer kindness only to people who are without fault, you’re going to have to wait for a long time before being kind! Part of being human is that every light side has a shadow side, so please avoid trying to separate people into the deserving and undeserving.
If you can cope mindfully with the frustration that human flaws cause, and see beyond them (for yourself and for others), you’ll be able to meet the vulnerable, the fearful and the needy, and offer them your care and protection. Take a look at Table 17-2 for a couple of simple illustrations.
Look at Table 17-2 and use your diary to explore alternatives to other examples of inconsiderate living (for example, someone talking loudly on their mobile phone in public).
Making Mindfulness a Shared Experience
Mindfulness starts with the notion that every single person experiences suffering, fear, joy, hunger, and so on. Therefore, everyone is in this life together. For this reason, I invite you to allow all the insights and skills that you pick up by reading this book or some of its chapters to touch all everyday experiences.
Considering ways to share mindfulness with other people
The best way to share mindful awareness with others without preaching to them is to let them feel it. As the old saying says, ‘actions speak louder than words’. Although often throughout this book I ask you to enter the being rather than doing mode, in this case you need to work creatively around this contradiction. Here are a few ideas:
Letting people get off the train before you get on (not much doing perhaps, but really helpful!)
Offering a seat to somebody just because you care
Sending a lovely handwritten card to a friend, as a sign of your appreciation
Bringing homemade soup or stew to a neighbour on a cold rainy day
Getting a hot drink and sandwich for a homeless person
Now, I ask you to brainstorm. Consider how you can share something freely, give away something to somebody who needs it more, or help a friend or neighbour with a task they can’t achieve by themselves. Any other ideas? Even if some intentions you come up with do not manifest in actions (perhaps, ‘I want to help a charity or take grandpa out to the pub once a month’), keep focusing on the good. All wholesome behaviours start with an intention, and one day you may actually bring it alive. All the while, please remember you are a fallible human being, and in the next moment you can start again. This is the powerful message of mindfulness.
Living in a mindful society
Kindly imagine that you can help spread the positive effects of MBCT by simply engaging in the regular practice of mindfulness. Your optimistic and life-confirming energy inevitably affects others and has a positive influence on society at large, because every society is made up of many individuals. So the initial step is just to live and act mindfully as best and as often as you can.
If your way of living ignites enthusiasm in others and helps them find a way to express kindness to and acceptance of others, you greatly contribute in creating a mindful society just by being what you are.
Mindfulness has many positive effects on the brain, such as helping you to regulate your emotions, increasing your capacity to remember things, being able to pay attention more deeply and for longer, to mention but a few. The snowball effect of spreading mindfulness by living it is unimaginable in a positive way. Research also shows that not only your brain, but also your body benefits greatly by practising MBCT:
Improved physical wellbeing
Better immune function
Quicker healing of numerous diseases
Fewer accidents
Think about some of the improvements for society if health providers needed a little less funding because you and others stay healthy more often and for longer. Perhaps the funds could be used to:
Improve public transport
Increase health education
Provide more home visits from doctors for elderly and disabled people
Please come up with your own inspiring insights and note them down in your mindfulness diary.