I’d Rather Not Engage in This Conversation
I want to start with a story.
“Tobi,” Rita said, stroking my hand lovingly, “where we’re going tonight, the people are normal. They don’t know what you do for work, nor are they looking for a life coaching session. Let’s just have a nice evening and go to the balcony if it gets too much for you, alright?”
We were on our way to a birthday party for one of my wife’s colleagues, and whenever I’m about to meet new people, Rita sits me down for a briefing on how I am to behave.
If there’s one thing you should know about me, it’s that I try very hard to abide by the social rules Rita’s set for me. On some days, it works wonderfully. But not that day. Have you ever been to one of those parties where, despite the spacious living room, the guests choose to crowd the tiny kitchen? This was one of them! As soon as I enthusiastically said, “Good evening,” a number of faces stared back in confusion, and I felt the first flickers of irritation. Someone smiled nervously. Someone else gave me a tentative nod of the head. Oh, not good, I thought to myself.
“Darling,” I whispered in irritation, “is this your colleague’s thirtieth birthday, or a funeral dinner for an estranged rich uncle?”
Rita smiled and pushed me in the direction of the prawn cocktail and paper plates.
As I spooned a little of the funeral spread (sorry, I meant the party snacks) onto my plate, I heard someone mumble. “Do you mind being a little careful?” the man said. “I went to the doctor last week and had a ganglion on my foot shaved off. It’s still bleeding now. Just didn’t want you to step on it.”
“By their voice and language, you will recognize them,” the ancient philosophers wrote. People who are unsuccessful talk about problems and project them onto other people; successful people talk about ideas and goals.
There he was before me—a man who defined himself through his medical ailments. An energy vampire! The hair on my arms stood up, and my palms started to sweat (yes, in those days, energy vampires still provoked a physical reaction). Since I hadn’t reached the bar for an icy drink that could temporarily deactivate my mirror neurons with a brain freeze, I resorted to my ultimate energy-vampire-banishing phrase.
“I’d rather not engage in this conversation,” I said, with a friendly smile.
Honestly? A party with prawn cocktail—that I could overlook easily, because of my love for my wife. But engaging with energy vampires in my spare time? No, can’t do.
As sympathetic “oohs” and “aahs” began to whiz by on all sides, Rita shot me a pleading look. Please, don’t say anything. All attention in the kitchen was focused on the partygoer and his foot. And the breath-taking spectacle went even further—because now, everyone wanted to be sicker than the next person, or knew someone else who was. This birthday party soon turned into a pity party. And in the middle of it all, I was trapped, bathed in sweat.
Looking around the kitchen in search of salvation, I found a pen on the fridge and wrote “0800/1110111” on the magnet notepad. If you dial this number in Germany, you’ll find a phone counselor on the other end. Laugh all you want, but that’s exactly what I did: I referred the bunch of them to a tele-therapist.
I simply refuse to deal with this kind of scenario—particularly in my spare time. I want to maintain my sanity and salvage my precious mirror neurons.
We’ve now arrived at an important point. Many energy vampires have a keenly practiced hobby, which is that they are only too happy to engage with the topic of illness. Do you know this kind of people—ones who have a backache on Monday, a toothache on Tuesday, a stomachache on Wednesday, and a headache on Thursday? Hopefully, you’ve already added these splendid specimens on your list of people to avoid. If not, add them now. There are websites, publications, and programs that cater exclusively to this particular brand of energy vampires. There are people who obsess over WebMD, diagnosing themselves afresh with every new ache or twinge. These are the people who can reel off twenty different types of headache if you wake them up at night—and for every type of headache, of course, there is a special remedy. Whole sectors of business make their money off this hysteria.
We must guard ourselves and our mirror neurons like hawks. But be warned: it’s no easy task, and even I am not always able to manage it. Recently, I returned from a keynote speech for a big international fashion brand. I was under the weather, so at the Frankfurt airport I hot-footed it to a pharmacy to buy something for my burgeoning cold. After serving me politely, the pharmacist asked, “Do you know that ticks are on the rise?”
“What?” I asked.
“Ticks are on the rise,” the lady repeated, in hushed tones. She handed me a small brochure. “Do you have children with you? We’re in a pandemic area.”
“A what area?” I asked myself. As I boarded the suburban train to the city center, my mirror neurons feeling tired and congested, this wonderful publication was in no small part to blame. The airport employee sitting across from me stared in disbelief at the brochure’s title page.
I sat on the train and, for the first time in my life, devoted myself to the subject of ticks. A member of the arachnid family, these constantly multiplying creatures lurk perpetually in every shrub and wait for their only chance of continued survival: digging their claws into us and infecting us with meningitis. This happened precisely 234 times in Europe last year. For me, one thing was clear: my careless, unsuspecting attitude had to end, not least to protect my little son. My home state, Hesse, was circled red in the map. Red! That meant a lot of ticks. I flicked through the pamphlet in panic. There had to be a solution! On the last page, there it was: for 29.99 euros, one could buy a tick repellent, spray it on the ankles twice a day, and the little critters would stay away.
Exactly seventeen minutes after purchasing the cold medicine in the pharmacy at the airport, I found myself anxiously entering another branch of the chain at the main train station. “One tick spray,” I heard myself cough.
“With pleasure,” said the clerk—who looked eerily similar to the pharmacist from the airport, another trick of the mirror neurons.
Two hours later, I was home. I lowered the blinds and sat alone at the table, sprayed and stinking (for as we all know, the more of a remedy you use, the more effective it is).
“Tobi, what on earth happened?” my wife asked. “Why would you close the blinds in the middle of the day?”
“We’re at war, my darling. 234 Europeans have died in misery,” I whispered, in a panicked voice.
Now comes one of the reasons why I love my wife so much. Calmly, she took a calculator and divided 500 million by 234. On this basis, the risk of dying from a tick bite in Europe lies at one in just over two million. I rolled up the blinds and placed the vial of chemicals in the hazardous waste. It’s vital to be mindful about the messages you let in. Think carefully about the books you engage with, the news you read, and the TV programs you watch. When it comes to someone like my Aunt Hilda, there’s no point asking how she is: all you need to know is in the “bio-weather” report. Toothache is rife in the north, backache in the south, and allergies in the west.
Biowetter = Bioweather, Zahnschmerzen = Toothache, Allergie = Allergies, Bauchschmerzen = Stomachsche, Rückenschmerzen = Back Pain
List five varieties of energy-vampire media that you consume or have consumed:
If there’s one takeaway from this chapter, it is that you should spend as little time with energy vampires and their panic-inducing media as possible. Incidentally, this negativity also claws away the valuable blue “life particles” you can never get back. If you’re wondering exactly what these are, keep reading.
I have rather a personal history with these life particles. Rita and I were in southern India a few years ago and found a magical place, home to a group of people who had made personal growth their life’s goal. They helped the local community and distributed books on the street to educate people about personal development. After we talked to them for some time, they took us to a temple with a huge mural. It told the viewer an important story.
When we are first exposed to the light of the world, we are full of little blue globules, the so-called “life particles.” Energy vampires feed on these particles. Every time we come into contact with an energy vampire, a small globule moves from us to the vampire and is lost forever. As a child, we have lots of these blue globules and are full of energy and visions for life. But our number of globules is limited, and if we consider how many times we surround ourselves with negatively-minded people, it becomes clear that we need to take great care of ourselves and our resources. What’s more, whenever we are negative about ourselves or another person, one of these globules bursts. No wonder some people feel so tired and fed up—their supply of life particles is probably depleted.
How long is the list of energy vampires in your immediate environment? Write down the names of five people who do not add value to your life and are most effective at depleting your life particles:
Rita and I were at sea on a cruise ship, where my task was to train the staff and get them ready for the upcoming holiday season. You might assume that being a member of the crew is a relatively easy job. If you did, however, you’d be failing to take into account the guests themselves, who bring their own quirks and do not suddenly become new people by virtue of being on vacation. Do you see where this is going? Yes, energy vampires on board!
After talking for a whole year about this ostensibly wonderful time—finally, a proper reason not to go to the office!—energy vampires begin to complain with gusto about anything and everything on board. They stand on the deck and discuss loudly how proud they are to have claimed nineteen dollars back from the tour operator because the ship departed ten minutes late. The food is always cold, and the fight for chairs is a nightmare. So it goes on.
It was on such a ship that we found ourselves now, and we sought refuge on the furthest deck, where only very few passengers ventured. Out at sea, I observed a seagull, wings motionless, floating effortlessly on the breeze. “What a great photo op,” I thought. I fetched my camera, adjusted the lens, and focused it on the bird. Before I could click the shutter, a shrill cry came from the right: “Careful! They’re dangerous, these seagulls! If you get bird poo on the lens, you’ll never get it off again!”
The seagull and I were startled, and we peered into the eyes of a stout, embittered woman whose face had been visibly weathered by life. Sometimes, when you meet a person, their wrinkles alone make clear that they have zero sense of humor. I was speechless. Following the seagull’s lead, I absconded from the scene as quickly as possible to avoid further conversation. I told the staff and Rita the story, and we amused ourselves richly with the amount of effort that some people invest in talking down the most enjoyable time of the year and seeing the negative in everything.
Two days later, as our ship cruised across the Mediterranean, we made ourselves comfortable with a cup of coffee in an area overlooking the pool. Six hundred or more people basked in the blazing sun around an area of water barely larger than a paddling pool. Among them was my new, bird-shy friend. As we people-watched and enjoyed the moment, Rita touched my arm lightly. “What a coincidence that would be!” I followed her gaze and spotted a lone seagull gliding slowly over the ship. “Yes,” I answered, “that would be hilarious, for sure!”
We followed the flight of the seagull, and as it flew, its expression changed. Its eyes bulged slightly, its beak opened and its entire body momentarily tensed up. With a soft cry, it relieved itself. A large helping of shimmering, yellow-brown seagull poo shot toward the deck. We watched, stunned, to see what would happen next. Splash, it went, and out of all six hundred people around the pool, the bird’s excrement landed precisely on the belly of the woman who had ruined my photo session a few days earlier. She jumped into the air and immediately began objecting loudly to the bird, the tour company, and even the sea itself.
What caused this chain of events to transpire? Esoterically-minded readers might cite the Law of Resonance. A worker in a chemistry lab, to whom I told the story later, had a different theory:
mass x seagull x plump woman equals…well, the inevitable.
As far as I was concerned, it was much simpler than that: negative attracts negative.
Make a list of the “diamonds” who help to hone and polish you, or those who have the potential to do so in the future:
At this juncture, I want to tell you a story. Did you ever have to change schools as a child? Did you ever have to do it more than once? I certainly did—and that included two different kindergartens! The result was that, at the age of fourteen, my mirror neurons and I ended up at a comprehensive school, where I’d later go on to meet my first ever “superstar.”
I stood in front of my class on the first day. “Hello,” I said matter-of-factly, “I’m Tobi, and I have a certified learning disability.” I held up my certificate as evidence (laminated, by that point, because I needed it more and more frequently). If my school career thus far had taught me anything, it was to make light of your weaknesses and wear them on your sleeve. The certificate was like my personal trademark.
This school was where everything would change. A single statement shifted the course of my whole life. The teacher slowly and deliberately opened a drawer, took out a big pair of red-handled scissors, took the certificate from my hand, and cut it in half. I remember her exact words: “Tobias, if you accept this label, this label will become your story. What becomes your story becomes your life, what becomes your life becomes your identity, and what becomes your identity becomes you. Starting from today, we’re going to learn math differently.”
From that moment on, my mirror neurons and I learned math in a way suited to right-brain, creatively-minded learners. Much to the relief of my parents, I even passed my high school exit exams.
Why am I am telling you this story? Well, I want to show you that there are people who change the lives of others. They don’t necessarily do so consciously, but rather by simply living their own passion. There are people for whom work is not work, because they do exactly what they love; they give something back with their whole being and their whole heart. For me personally, that’s what makes me a successful person. Success is not what’s in your bank account; it’s not having a job where you feel important and can hide behind an impressive title, either your own or your parents’. Success, in my world, is what comes from you. Success is when you are passionate for a cause and make yourself deaf to the negativity in your environment. Success is when you enjoy every breath of life; when you wake up with the realization that you have the potential to play a part in the stories of many others. Most wonderfully of all, you can be successful by doing exactly what you love. On the following pages, I’ll tell you how to pursue this path.
Take the Personality Test
Before we go any further, I want to give you a little freebie. Do you want to have more influence on other people? Would you like it if people would do what you tell them to do? Every human being is special in his or her own way! However, there are certain characteristics which indicate how a person acts in his everyday life, his career, and his or her relationships. We’ve designed a ten-to-fifteen-minute test that lets you determine your personality type. Check it out!
Answer the following fifty questions.
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Question 1: If there is a problem, I ask myself how this problem arose. |
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False! |
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Question 2: I am a self-confident person. |
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Question 3: I love to analyze things and work on them until I understand every detail. |
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Question 4: Working on my own projects is easier than working in a group. |
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Question 5: Others readily allow me to lead them and people trust me. |
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Question 6: People do not need authoritarian structures in order to work efficiently. |
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Question 7: I am the right person when it comes to giving instructions. |
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Question 8: Competition is not important—only the work itself is. |
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Question 9: Reading newspapers and watching the news are part of my daily routine. |
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Question 10: I love to analyze philosophical issues. |
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Question 11: Experiencing adventures and discovering new things make me feel good. |
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Question 12: What others say about me is very important. |
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Question 13: I know exactly who are the people in my life whom I can trust. |
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Question 14: My fellow human beings respect me. |
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Question 15: Material security is more important than being successful. |
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Question 16: Having expertise in a field is more important than being socially competent. |
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Question 17: I am an overly cautious person. |
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Question 18: My expertise affords me many advantages. |
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Question 19: Sometimes I am too tough and cold-hearted. |
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Question 20: It is important for me to do my job well. I am not responsible for innovative thinking. |
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Question 21: It is difficult for me to accept hierarchical structures. |
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Question 22: I love speedy procedures. |
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Question 23: Discipline and decency are important values. |
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Question 24: The company I work for needs to exude a warm and cordial atmosphere. |
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Question 25: Other people value my expertise. |
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Question 26: It is difficult for me to take risks and stay strong, even when necessary. |
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Question 27: It takes a long time for me to trust a person. |
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Question 28: I am not satisfied until every detail of my task is completed. |
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Question 29: I enjoy collecting things and putting them into order. |
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Question 30: Life consists of giving and taking. |
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Question 31: I am what some might call a control freak. |
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Question 32: I would never judge anyone, but what I do not tolerate is giving up. |
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Question 33: I am a rather reserved person. |
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Question 34: Creative thinking is one of my strengths, and I am good at adapting to new situations. |
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Question 35: It is easy for me to work in a team, but I would never lose sight of good competition. |
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Question 36: I am the mediator in groups. |
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Question 37: I am not good at losing and I often insist on my rights. |
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Question 38: When I am successful, I want the world to know it. |
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Question 39: I don’t have much endurance and quickly give up. |
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Question 40: I have the ability to motivate my colleagues and to drive them on. |
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Question 41: As long as I love my job, it is not important how much money I make. |
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Question 42: I find it important that the company I work for is successful. |
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Question 43: Being successful is the most important thing in life. Everything else is secondary. |
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Question 44: I sometimes tend to avoid problematic situations rather than solving them. |
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Question 45: My head is full of innovative ideas. |
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Question 46: Whenever there is a problem, I immediately have a solution. |
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Question 47: I am a traditional person. Old-fashioned values are important. |
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Question 48: I am a determined person, whom no one can easily bring off-track. |
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Question 49: It is important to me to have a secure and fixed position in a company. |
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Question 50: The person with the most energy always wins. |
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Evaluation of the Personality Test
The questions that you have answered can be used to identify four different kinds of person, which differ greatly from one another with regard to their overall orientation, view of the world, attitude to work, and their own identities. All of these types are of equal weighting, and they are indispensable for companies and society in general.
Very few people can be categorized as belonging to a specific type. In most cases, several types are combined. However, this sort of classification is a useful method for characterizing people.
Many companies use personality tests to find out which area a new employee would be best suited to, taking their skills into consideration.
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Check the box if you answered “True!” for the corresponding question.Now, to find out which animal type you are, count the number of checkmarks in each column. The higher the number, the more prevalent this personality type. |
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Owl |
Dolphin |
Whale |
Shark |
Animal Wonder |
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(Equal parts: Owl/Dolphin/Whale/Shark) |
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TOTAL |
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Four types have been established:
Owls
Owls focus on the work itself, and not so much on the money, fame or career possibilities. Owls like everything to run according to plan; they also like to develop, collect, and organize things. Quality and perfection are just as important as specialized knowledge, skills, and discipline. When looking for a solution to a problem, they work in a well-thought-out manner and don’t like taking risks. When working with others, they ensure the focus is put on resolving the actual task in question, and they are always well informed and well prepared.
Owls are generally quiet, sincere, modest, and practical. However, they often struggle with their own standards as to quality, which can be excessive. They very rarely watch TV, and when they do, they are very selective as to what they watch. They would rather occupy themselves with activities that improve their performance, and like to challenge themselves. They love everything to do with technology and computers, and often spend their free time tinkering with things or completing further education courses. Knowledge, technical know-how, skills, hard work, ingenuity, discipline, and respect for others and their accomplishments are the principal elements of an Owl’s identity. Owls like to get to the bottom of things and discuss them pragmatically. However, they are often taken advantage of by Sharks and Dolphins, who steal their ideas and use them for their own benefit.
Owls rarely want to be the head of a team or group, because this would mean they would have to supervise Dolphins and Sharks. When working in a team, challenges are often created by their perfectionism. If this occurs, Owls will often complete most of the work themselves instead of delegating. They are always afraid that something could go wrong. If errors do occur, excessive criticism is often the result. Owls often also react aggressively toward themselves, if they are responsible for making a mistake.
Owls love technology, and are very cost-conscious, correct, professional, and generally somewhat conservative. When communicating with an Owl, it is important not to lose the thread and to always have an answer to any question. Owls often find it difficult to keep the technical side within limits and be generally understandable when communicating. They can work well with Sharks and Whales; they do not, however, get on very well with Dolphins.
Dolphins
Dolphins love challenges and having fun, and view life as one big, fascinating adventure. They enjoy competition, sport, and activities that allow them to prove themselves. They always sit in the front row, and are very communicative and unconventional. They like taking risks and encouraging others to make more of an effort than usual. They treat work and life as a game. Competition gives them a real boost, they can pass on their enthusiasm to others, and they are generally bursting with energy.
They like new ideas, new techniques, fresh, innovative methods, and shortcuts. They talk and think in a simple, clear, dynamic, and playful manner, but are sometimes a bit impulsive. Dolphins like taking calculated risks and always see possibilities. They are cooperative, would like to be superstars, and often fight against bureaucratic structures. They do not focus their energy on obtaining wealth, since honor and pleasure are more important to them; they also like to be seen as winners. Dolphins are not afraid of competition. To the contrary: actually, they feel challenged, inspired, and invigorated when competing with and measuring themselves against others.
They enjoy having their fingers in many pies at the same time, and find it difficult to concentrate on just one thing. Equipped with a considerable portion of sensitivity, intuition, and possibly also a certain amount of positive craftiness, Dolphins can always ensure that the right people come together. They do this in an offhand yet elegant manner, and always manage to encourage people to work for them. They instinctively avoid people who are destructive and negative.
When a Dolphin is the leader, meeting rooms resemble crew cabins where objectives are discussed in a humorous and spirited manner. Sharks and Owls have difficulty getting used to such an approach. Dolphins focus on pulling instead of pushing and try to enthuse colleagues and customers about themselves and the products, instead of discussing things in an unemotional and factual manner.
Dolphins tend to be liberal and enjoy risks; they also like to rebel. They are high-spirited, hardworking, enthusiastic, and open to new ideas. However, they sometimes have difficulty recognizing their own limits, and are often more dependent on others than they would like to admit. They want to maintain the illusion of limitless options; this can limit their capacity for social responsibility, however. Dolphins like speed, become enthusiastic very quickly, and are willing to invest a lot of money in those things that provide them with pleasure.
Dolphins can work well together with Sharks and Whales. However, they find it difficult to deal with Owls.
Whales
For Whales, it is very important to feel wanted and be a member of a strong, protective group that provides them with support. They are willing to sacrifice themselves for others, are tireless workers and always worried about whether they are still needed or not. They generally deal with the human side of a company, and are usually inconspicuous and quiet. Their interest in the needs of others forms a basic part of their character, as does their ability to generate a pleasant atmosphere with their balanced and caring ways. Whales value a good atmosphere, security, and cooperation. The word that best describes them is “integrator.” Whales tend to become completely absorbed in their activities, and therefore often forget themselves. They arrive early, remain until late, and often take over work from colleagues.
In doing so, they ensure that everything is kept in order, and chaos and hectic activity tend to scare them. Whales are very modest, responsible, loyal, and caring. Family and friends are very important to them, and they often keep pets and stand up for animal rights.
They always know who belongs to which team and how far they can go without crossing the line. Competition doesn’t really interest them, as they don’t like to be the center of attention. They are viewed as trustworthy, but not particularly exciting. When Whales are alone, they often feel lonely and lost.
They lack the ability to take risks, are not very tough, have little self-control, and are not energetic enough to draw attention to themselves. They often ask themselves whether they can trust Sharks and Dolphins, who are always very sure of themselves.
If Whales are not careful, they can easily be taken advantage of by others.
When dealing with Whales, it is important to be empathetic and to speak calmly; praise and recognition are also very important to them. They seldom make decisions on their own, and often need encouragement and a lot of support.
Sharks
The objective of a Shark is to obtain power and status in society.
They always put themselves first, and do everything they can to avoid losing control. They view life and work as a kind of jungle, where the motto is “Eat or be eaten.”
Sharks tend to forget others once they have set their minds to something. They need to be successful, and don’t believe that anybody will voluntarily help them to achieve this. They never change their point of view, and always push their projects through, regardless of the consequences. They are extremely hardworking and focused, thereby motivating peak performance. Sharks are extroverts, are tough, and like to play with fire. They are capable leaders—alpha leaders, you could say. They do, however, cast off unnecessary ballast quickly and are not good at dealing with the emotional outbursts of others.
They love sports that allow them to distinguish themselves, always flaunt what they have achieved, and gloat whenever the opportunity arises. Sharks are proud of the fact that they are feared, and justify this by stating that fear encourages people to work harder. They generally view teamwork as arduous, because they hold the view that they are more successful when working alone. Another strength of Sharks is their ability to look to the future with a great deal of self-confidence and forget the past quickly. They are always willing to take on new projects and are often utilized in situations where drastic measures need to be taken.
Sharks are used to receiving good service, and are often short-tempered if their expectations are not met. Efficiency has the highest priority. They find it very difficult to deal with Whales, as they cannot generally come to terms with the Whale character. Servility is foreign to a Shark’s nature. They are also confronted with challenges when managing Owls, since the Shark generally tends to focus on the target instead of taking time to deal with the individual steps. Sharks can have a lot of fun with Dolphins and value their company.
Sharks are quick decision-makers and don’t generally waste time with the small print when the value of a product or service has been explained in a manner that corresponds to their way of thinking.
Animal Wonder
If you get this result, you’re a rare and wonderful mix of the four previous types! Celebrate that you have multiple strengths, but be on the lookout for your weaknesses too!
