One week after he'd been back, Paul saw his first patient.
"You can't hide forever," Luther had told him.
"I'm consulting with you on your cases. That's not hiding."
"Bull."
Luther's blunt assessment confirmed what Paul already knew: he had lost his nerve. Years of study and success in his field weren't enough to offset the terrible conviction that in failing Sonny he had doomed himself to the dark outer world of physicians who had lost the healing touch.
Now, waiting for his first patient, he sat in his office with his palms sweating. His nurse Willa stuck her head through the door.
"The patient's ready, Dr. Tyler."
A small child sat on the examining table swathed in a disposable gown and looking pale, thin, and scared. Her mother sat nearby with her feet lined up in military fashion and her hands gripping the handles of her purse.
"She has heart trouble, Doctor. At least, that's what they told us in Mobile. It never has amounted to much, but she's been puny lately, and I can't seem to get her fever down."
Paul's hands trembled as he looked at her record.
Mary Lynn Henley, four years old. A small needy child, entrusted to his care.
He approached her as if she were a time bomb about to go off in his hands, calling on God and habit to save him.
"Let's take a look at you, Mary Lynn." Funny that he sounded the same as he had before Sonny's death—caring, self-assured, knowledgeable, a man his patients could trust.
When he bent over the child, she stared at him with big blue eyes. Then slowly, ever so slowly, she put her tiny hand on his. His had to work hard to get a grip on his emotions.
Mary Lynn's thin, blue-veined hand patted his. "Mr. Doctor Man, Mama said you can make me well."
"Well, now, Mary Lynn, let's see what we can do about that."
He put the stethoscope to her fragile chest. Pneumonia. He double-checked, just to be sure. He’d order ex-rays to confirm, of course, but there was no mistaking the symptoms.
"Mary Lynn." He took her tiny hand. "I'm going to put you in the hospital for a few days so I can make you well again. I promise I'll come see you every day. Mommy can stay with you if you like. Is that all right with you?"
She nodded. Paul handed her a sucker, then went into his office and made the arrangements. Afterward he slumped in his chair.
One patient, and he was a total wreck. What would happen when he saw the next one, and the one after that?
Paul stared at his degrees hanging on the wall, then slowly stood up. He had to get away.