9 PASSION

Boys and girls in America have such a sad time together; sophistication demands that they submit to sex immediately without proper preliminary talk. Not courting talk—real straight talk about souls, for life is holy and every moment is precious.

—Jack Kerouac, On the Road

EVEN BEAT POET JACK KEROUAC understood that human sexuality is special—and sacred. It involves not only the body but the soul. It represents the pinnacle of human connection and is not to be taken lightly.

If that’s the case, then why is it so difficult for married couples to enjoy a thriving sexual relationship as the years go by? We may believe in our heads that sex with our spouse is important, but it’s incredibly difficult to give it the priority it deserves. When we do find the time, the experience is often routine and mundane—just another item to check off the list. One study found that due to jobs, kids, hobbies, family responsibilities, and other factors, the average married couple spends just four minutes a day alone together.[8] Four minutes! That’s barely enough time to say hello, let alone engage in meaningful physical intimacy.

And that’s what this date is all about—intimacy, of which sex is only one expression. Dictionary.com defines intimacy as “a close, familiar, and usually affectionate or loving personal relationship with another person or group.”[9] Did you catch that? Closeness. Familiarity. Affection. Love. Isn’t that what marriage is all about?

ACTIVITY: Order in and enjoy a great meal and conversation in the comfort of your own home. Light some candles and put out a tablecloth, even if you’ll be eating only out of your to-go containers. Light candles in the bedroom, the living room, and other areas where you’ll be spending time as well. Break out your wedding album or video and reminisce about the special events of that day. Celebrate the journey that has brought you from that day to today. Put on some romantic music that will help set a relaxed, romantic mood. Even though you won’t be leaving the house, be sure to put effort into looking attractive for your spouse.

QUESTIONS: Asking each other questions—that’s not very sexy, is it? It certainly can be! Take turns talking with your spouse about the physical features you find particularly appealing in him or her. Be specific! And what about nonphysical characteristics? Are you attracted to your spouse’s sense of humor? Intellect? Compassionate heart? Let him or her know!

Be sure to flavor these conversations with plenty of cuddling, kissing, and so on. Engage in nonsexual touching, such as back rubs and foot massages. Enjoy being in close physical proximity without feeling the need to jump right into the “main event.”

As the evening has progressed, hopefully you and your spouse have begun to feel closer and more connected. This closeness—this intimacy—has likely produced in both of you a desire to connect sexually. As you and your spouse enter this phase of the evening, ask yourselves the following Questions: Is there anything specific we can do to “spice up” our sex life and add some variety? How can I be more giving toward you during sex?

Keep in mind that the idea isn’t to engage in activities that are uncomfortable for either partner. If you try something new (or that hasn’t been a part of your repertoire for a while), make sure it’s mutually agreed upon and edifying to both partners.

The cliché is that after sex, the man will roll over and go to sleep while the woman lies awake, wishing for additional time to cuddle, talk, and connect. Husbands, here’s your chance to shatter that stereotype! Spend some additional time connecting emotionally and physically with your wife.