Helen McInnes, Caroline McInnes, Jena Donaldson, and Abby Boyle tiptoed up to the conservatory at the back of Caroline’s castle.
“They’re going to see us,” Helen, Caroline’s mother-in-law, hissed.
“No, they won’t.” Caroline pointed to the group of large ceramic pots with ornamental trees. “I had the gardeners group all of the pots in the darkest part of the patio. Then I opened the little window behind the blinds so we can hear them better.”
“Didn’t Josh wonder why all the plants were suddenly in one spot?” Helen asked.
“I told him it made it easier to trim the trees to match,” Caroline said.
“He believed that?”
Caroline just patted her hand and gave her a pitying look. Her son wasn’t known for thinking things through, but Caroline didn’t want to shatter his mother’s delusions.
There was a scrape and thump from behind them.
“Will you try to walk quieter?” she told Abby. “They’re going to hear us.”
“I’m four thousand months pregnant with twins,” Abby said with a glare. “You try being quiet when your center of gravity shifts two feet in front of you. I can’t even see my feet. I have no idea where I’m stepping. This is as quiet as it’s going to get.”
“I’m pregnant too, and I can lift my feet when I walk.”
“You’re six months pregnant with one tiny baby. You barely have a bump. I’m having two freaking elephants, and they’re due any minute. It’s a miracle I can stand up without toppling over.”
“Maybe we should carry her?” Caroline said to her mother-in-law.
They stopped at the edge of the patio and the three women eyed the very pregnant brunette.
“I’m not sure we can lift her,” Jena said.
“I hate every single of one of you,” Abby said.
“Would it make you feel better if you knew I also had the gardeners move the bench behind the plants so we can sit down?” Caroline said.
“Marginally.” Abby waddled up the steps and onto the patio. “Come on. If we don’t hurry, the men will come into the conservatory and see us. Then they’ll know we aren’t on a girls’ night out.” And then she moved slower than a snail. “Although, as girls’ nights out go, this one sucks.”
“Trust me,” Caroline told her. “It will get better.”
Abby just muttered something under her breath about making everyone suffer if it didn’t.
“How can you walk so silently in those shoes?” Helen eyed Jena’s ten-inch platform sandals. This pair was sparkly pink with diamanté detailing on the ankle straps.
“I could run up a mountain in these,” Jena whispered. “Sometimes I wear them to work. If I’m plastering a wall or something that makes being taller handy, the height really comes in useful. I just cover them with plastic wrap to them to stop them getting dirty.”
Helen stumbled, and Caroline shot out a hand to steady her. “You do construction work in those shoes?”
Jena tossed her long honey-colored hair over her shoulder and nodded. “I like wearing them with my Daisy Dukes and a tartan shirt tied tight under my boobs. It’s comfortable and practical.”
“And looks like some guy’s idea of a porn plot—stripper does DIY,” Abby grumbled.
Jena patted her best friend’s back and gave her a compassionate smile. “Pregnancy really brings out your evil side, doesn’t it?”
“I know!” Abby’s eyes filled with tears. “I feel like I’m possessed by the spirit of Betty.”
“I think she’d have to die first for that to happen,” Jena said.
“Can we focus?” Caroline said. “We need to hurry up, or they’ll spot us.” She grabbed Abby’s arm. “You get the other one,” she said to Jena.
And with that, they half-dragged Abby to the bench.
“This is what I miss most when we’re back in Atlantic City,” Helen said. “Our girls’ nights out back home usually involve getting the early bird at the local diner.” She shook her head in disgust. “Those women don’t know how to live.”
“And we do?” Abby said. “We’re sitting on a cold wooden bench, behind a bunch of potted trees, waiting to spy on our husbands.”
“Honey,” Helen drawled, “trust me when I say, if you’d ever eaten the early bird at Jack’s Diner, you’d know you were living it up right now.”
“Jack’s Diner?” Jena said. “I used to eat there after the clubs closed. Their food’s fine if you don’t go early evening. They don’t salt the early bird special on account of all the old people with heart problems. It’s like eating cardboard.”
“See?” Helen pointed at Jena.
The women were just getting settled when the men appeared in the kitchen beyond the conservatory.
“They’re getting snacks,” Helen said. “We should have brought snacks.”
“Which reminds me,” Jena whispered as she opened her oversized leather handbag and pulled out a bottle of wine. “Cheers,” she said with a grin. She unscrewed the cap and took a gulp before handing the bottle to Helen.
Helen stared at it for a moment, shrugged then had a drink too.
“What about me?” Abby whined. “I can’t drink. And neither can Caroline. Not that she usually drinks, but we shouldn’t miss out just because our dumbass husbands knocked us up.”
Jena reached back into her bag and came out with two small tubs of Belgian chocolate ice cream and two spoons. “It’s a bit soft,” she said as she handed one each to Caroline and Abby.
“You carry ice cream in your handbag?” Helen whispered in awe.
“Not all the time,” Jena said, reaching for the wine.
“I don’t understand,” Abby said. “Why are we watching our men watch a game? I was promised a night out. This isn’t a night out. I already do this at home. Every time I walk into the living room, Flynn is talking Katy through yet another football game. I don’t need to hear that crap from other women’s husbands too.”
“Pregnancy really does dull the brain,” Jena said. “They aren’t watching a game. That’s just what they told us. They’re doing secret stuff, and we’re going to find out what.”
“I already know,” Helen said. “That’s why you’re here. You can’t miss this. It’s priceless.”
“Where did that fried chicken come from?” Caroline said. “Josh isn’t supposed to be eating fried anything. He’s got to get in shape for his tour.”
She felt a tug on the back of her dress. “Sit down,” Helen hissed. “Worry about the chicken later.”
As they peeked through the ornamental trees, the men trailed into the conservatory and sat on the well-padded sofas. Mitch, Josh’s best friend and the only single man among them, put a six-pack on the coffee table before sitting.
“Right.” Andrew McInnes, Helen’s husband and Josh’s father, looked around the group. “Have you all got your books with you?”
“Books?” Jena whispered, her eyes wide.
“Sh,” Caroline hissed.
Mitch, Josh, Flynn, and Matt all held up their phones, while Andrew held up a paperback.
“You’re reading on your phones?” Andrew said in disgust.
“It’s the only way to make sure the wife doesn’t know what I’m reading,” Flynn said.
“Or that you can read,” his cousin Matt grinned at him.
“That too, dickhead.” Flynn threw a cushion at Matt. “Remind me, why are you here again?”
“Someone’s got to keep you out of trouble. I’m pretty sure that’s the same reason Mitch is here. As Josh’s keeper.”
“I don’t need a keeper,” Josh said, and everyone burst out laughing. He rolled his eyes at them. “Can we get on with this? The kids could get back up at any minute.”
“Katy will settle everybody down again,” Flynn said with confidence.
“Katy’s five,” Josh said.
“And already a genius,” Flynn said.
“The kids will be fine,” Andrew said. “We’re no’ here to talk about them. We’re here to talk about the book. Now, have you all read it?”
They nodded.
“Good,” Andrew said. “What did you think?”
“I had a problem with the hero,” Mitch said. “He turned into a cat. That’s deeply disturbing. Did anyone else worry about that?”
“I had a look online,” Matt said. “There are millions of these shifter books.”
“Do you think it’s a bestiality thing?” Flynn said. “Because I work with animals, and that’s seriously, disturbingly wrong.”
“They don’t have sex with the men while they’re in animal form,” Andrew said. “Mainly, they just pat them when they’re cats. I think it’s a comfort thing. I think this author is trying to tell us that women want to snuggle.”
“With someone furry,” Josh said. “I don’t do furry.”
“You don’t have to be furry.” His dad scowled at him. “If you’re worried about the soft, furry part, get one of those fuzzy blankets and wrap Caroline in that before you snuggle.”
There was a choking noise from beside Caroline.
Abby grinned wide at her. “I take it back,” she whispered. “This is the best girls’ night out ever.”
“I want to talk about what they did on page one hundred and twenty-seven,” Matt said. “I tried that with Jena, and she punched me.”
Jena gasped, and Caroline quickly smacked a hand over her mouth. She tugged it away, her eyes wide. “So, that’s where he got that idea,” she whispered.
“Aye,” Andrew said, in the tone a college lecturer would use with his first-year students. “That’s an advanced technique. I’ve read hundreds of these romance books now, and I can tell you for a fact that it’s better to start off with some of the easier stuff. You don’t want to freak your woman out. Especially in bed.”
“Are we supposed to bite?” Josh said. “Do women really want us to mark them like that? Or is that just a cat thing? Where does the fiction story stuff end and the female fantasy part begin?”
“That’s a good question.” Andrew leaned back in his seat and tented his fingers in front of him. “Thoughts?”
“I think it’s all real,” Mitch said. “I think women like marks of ownership. Why else would they want wedding rings?”
“Exactly.” Andrew stopped just short of patting Mitch on the head.
“Women want rings,” Matt said, “so they have the gold to sell once they get rid of the guy that came with it.”
“Wow, cynical, cuz,” Flynn said.
“No,” Jena whispered. “Matt’s right. I’m totally stocking a war chest in case things go pear-shaped with him.”
“With your history, I’m not surprised,” Abby said.
“Matt thinks it’s cute. He adds to the chest for me.” She sighed dreamily. “What kind of man would help you save for the day you might need to leave him?”
“You’re both nuts,” Abby said. “You know that, right?”
“Yeah.” Jena beamed.
“I’m not sure about the biting thing,” Josh said, drawing their attention back to the men. “If I bit Caroline, she’d bite back.”
“No kidding,” Caroline muttered.
“It’s sensual biting,” Mitch said with a roll of his eyes. “You make it sound like you’d walk into the room, say hi, honey, and then take a chunk out of her neck.”
“He’s still not biting me,” Caroline whispered.
“Which brings me to the vampire in the book,” Flynn said. “Anyone else think drinking blood is sexy? Because that just made me want to puke.”
The men shuddered.
“I don’t know why women think vampires are sexy,” Andrew said. “Maybe it’s the dark, mysterious, bad-boy thing.”
“It’s the penetration,” Josh said.
The men stared blankly at him.
“Fangs into neck. Penetration. It has sexy connotations. I talked to David Boreanaz about this once. Met him at a party, and he said that’s why chicks dig vampires. He should know, he made his name playing one.”
“Josh is team Angel all the way,” Mitch said with a smirk.
“Do we even want to know what that means?” Matt said.
“We’re getting off topic,” Andrew barked. “Focus. Who cares why women find vampires sexy? And the shifter thing has nothing to do with how weirdly attached they are to cats. These books are all about the female fantasy, and that’s what we need to tap into.” He waved his book. “They’ve literally written a manual on relationships; all we need to do is decipher the code. Shifters means they want to snuggle. Vampires means they like a little danger with their snuggling. It’s that simple.”
“Now that I think about it, what’s with all this ‘mine’ stuff?” Flynn said. “Every second page, the guy’s grabbing the girl and growling mine. And now that I think about it, what’s with the growling? When was the last time you growled anything? Other than a growl. Seriously, try it. Can you growl a word?”
“I can burb the alphabet,” Josh said.
“Sexy,” Mitch drawled.
Caroline wiped her eyes as she slumped against her mother-in-law. Her diaphragm hurt from holding in her laughter. On her other side, Jena had her face pressed into her handbag to muffle her laughter. Abby held her belly with one hand, her other hand over her mouth as she silently laughed—the tears streaming down her face. There was a good chance they’d all pass out before the book club meeting was over.
“Seriously, dude, I can do it. It’s like my secret skill.” And then Josh proceeded to burb the alphabet.
By the time he reached H, the women were laughing so hard they could barely stay upright. And it was becoming harder to muffle the sound.
“Can you hear something?” Matt asked.
“Oh no.” Abby sucked in a breath.
“Just stay still and very quiet,” Caroline whispered.
“No. I mean, oh no, my water just broke.”
All eyes turned to her.
“It was the laughing, I think,” she said.
Jena’s head snapped back. “Matt! Flynn! We’re having babies out here!”
Helen smacked her on the back of the head. “You couldn’t wait until we made it to the front door. Now they’ll know we were listening.”
The conservatory door crashed open, and the men ran out.
“What the hell?” Josh said when he rounded the plants.
“Hi, honey, we’re home a bit earlier than I’d planned,” Caroline said.
Abby pointed to the puddle beneath her feet. “I need to go to the hospital,” she told Flynn.
Without even flinching at the weight, Flynn swept his wife up into his arms. “Matt, you’re driving.” He stalked toward Matt’s cop car. “Use the sirens. Josh, watch Katy for us. We’re having our babies.”
Abby snuggled against her husband’s chest. “I love you, Flynn Boyle,” she said.
“Mine,” he told her before kissing her head.