Auggie grabbed another box from the back of the SUV, eyed the distance to Moriah Court, and said, “Let’s try to find a closer parking spot.”
“Pussy,” Fer said, elbowing Auggie aside and grabbing another box. “You’re going to be walking your ass off for the next year. Might as well get used to it now.”
Resting the box on the bumper, Auggie grabbed his phone and tried to get the right angle. He wanted himself, the box, and the outline of the college in the background.
“Five seconds,” Fer snapped.
Auggie flashed a huge grin, took the picture, and posted it. He figured that was an easy mid-five figures for likes. He worked the pack of Parliaments out of his sleeve, tapped a cigarette loose, and patted his pockets for his lighter.
“Christ, you’re a poser,” Fer said.
“I wasn’t going to smoke it right now,” Auggie said, sticking the Parliament behind one ear.
Fer grunted, grabbed the heaviest box and plodded off across South Quad.
Wiping sweat from his forehead—this place was the middle of fucking nowhere, hot as the fucking tropics, and had two-hundred percent humidity—Auggie grabbed a box and followed. Even though classes didn’t start for another week, the quad was busy in the mid-morning: kids tossing a frisbee, three girls in overalls taking turns playing the dulcimer, a shirtless kid with killer abs walking a rope he’d tied between two trees. He fell a couple of times while Auggie was throwing him sidelong looks—killer abs, just really spectacular, and Auggie could make a sweet-ass gif of him tumbling off the rope, so he slowed to grab the video—and then Fer shouted, “Dickcheese, get your ass moving,” and Auggie jogged to catch up.
Moriah Court was one of the oldest residence halls on Wroxall’s campus; the college itself dated back to the 19th century, and Moriah Court looked old enough to be original. Since it was an official moving day, a cinderblock propped open the heavy security door. They passed the desk, where a black woman in a uniform was on the phone; she waved at Auggie and mimed a pen in the air, and he nodded; he never forgot a chance to give away his autograph. Fer led them to the elevator, where four boys who looked like they’d crawled out of a basement were stacking boxes and bags. The boys looked at each other, looked at Auggie, looked at Fer, and tried to shuffle the bags and boxes to make room.
“We’ll take the stairs, fellas,” Fer said.
Auggie tried not to groan.
“Pussy,” Fer called back.
“This is why I said I was totally fine moving on my own,” Auggie said.
“And because you thought Mom would let you keep the car.”
“I don’t see why I can’t have it out here.”
“Because you are a dick and a tool and a fuck up,” Fer said kindly.
They climbed the rest of the way in silence. On the fourth-floor landing, Fer stepped aside and let Auggie take the lead; when Auggie got to the room, he worked the key in the lock and went inside. It was a small space: two twin beds, two desks, a narrow window that only opened an inch, and two cramped closets. One bed already had sheets and a thin plaid coverlet; a pile of sneakers toppled out from the closet, and clothes and boxes were stacked on that side of the room—and, for that matter, on Auggie’s desk.
“That dickbreath is still in the shower,” Fer said, nodding at the strip of light under the bathroom door; Auggie and his roommate, a guy named Orlando, shared the bathroom with the two guys in the next room. “That’s like thirty minutes, Augustus.”
Auggie dropped the box on his bed and sat on the mattress.
Shoving aside Orlando’s stuff, Fer set his box on the desk. “And his shit is on your side of the room.”
“Yeah.”
“You can’t let him get away with that kind of shit.”
“Ok, Fer.”
“Give him one fucking inch, and he’s going to be all over your shit.”
“Ok.”
“Tell him your schedule. Tell him when you need the bathroom so you aren’t late for class.”
“Yeah, I know.”
Fer wiped his hands on his jeans, taking another look around the room. He was darker than Auggie, his skin a rich brown, and he was taller and bigger. Taller was the part that really bugged Auggie. Why couldn’t his own dad have been taller?
“You probably think college is like all that porn you read.”
“Oh my God.”
“You probably think you’re going to be banging chicks in the library and then coming home and banging some more of them here and then going to class and getting some chick to jerk you off under the desk.”
“You are so stupid.”
“You probably think that whole pretty boy makeup channel you’ve got on YouTube is going to be your pussy key.”
Auggie grabbed his phone again; Fer’s rants often hit six figures of likes, and this sounded like a good one. Auggie would have to do some editing, but the raw material was solid.
“Point that thing at me,” Fer said, “and I’ll shove it up your chute.”
Rolling his eyes, Auggie pocketed the phone, unfolded the cardboard flaps of the box, and took out a stack of t-shirts.
“Hey, dongbait,” Fer said, shoving his shoulder. “I’m talking to you.”
“I’m listening, Jesus.”
“College isn’t just about getting girls, ok?”
“I didn’t say that. You said that.”
“Yeah, well, Mom’s paying for this shit, ok? So you need to take it seriously.”
“I am taking it seriously.”
“You’ve got to be a man now. You can’t just be a kid, ok? You’ve got to learn how to stand on your own two feet.”
“You’ve got to learn not to talk in clichés,” Auggie muttered.
“This asshole?” Fer thumbed at the bathroom, where the steady drone of the shower continued. “He’s going to be jerking off into your jockeys if you don’t set some limits.”
“You are so twisted.”
“I’m serious.”
“So am I. You are messed up in the head.”
Fer mimed jerking off.
“Goodbye, Fer. Just leave the rest of my boxes and get lost.”
Fer started to moan as he pretended to stroke himself. Two girls passed the door, paused, and glanced in before hurrying away.
“Oh my God,” Auggie said, grabbing Fer’s arm and trying to force him out of the room.
Laughing, Fer dragged Auggie with him toward the stairs. “Come on, asswipe. Let’s get the rest of your stuff.”
After the third trip, when Orlando was still in the shower, Fer stopped in the middle of the quad and said, “Christ, I got the whole thing fucking backwards.”
Auggie glanced at where they had parked the Escalade, and then he looked back at Moriah Court. “What?”
“It’s gay porn, dude. You’re living out your gay porn fantasies.”
“Fer.”
“That’s like a staple of gay porn, Augustus. You’re moving into your dorm, the new roommate steps out of the shower, he’s naked, he’s a fucking stud, he bends you over that stack of cardboard boxes and you guys do the two-boy bucking bronco.”
“You know an awful lot about gay porn.”
“Sexuality is a buffet,” Fer said, stopping again to point a finger at Auggie. “Gotta get a little of everything on your plate, little bro.”
“Hold still,” Auggie said.
“What? Why?”
“I’m hoping this truck will hit you and kill you.”
Fer slapped him on the back of the head before Auggie could get away.
There was only one box left in the back of the SUV. Auggie hoisted it, balanced it, and stepped back while Fer shut the door.
“You want me to come up and make your bed?”
Auggie rolled his eyes.
“You want me to count your socks?”
“Bye, Fer.”
Fer surprised him by pulling him into a hug, kissing him on the cheek, and then giving him a noogie so hard that Auggie thought he had a traumatic brain injury.
“Love ya,” Fer said.
“Love ya,” Auggie said.
“You call me if any assholes give you trouble,” Fer said. He hesitated, shoved his hands in the pockets of his jeans, and looked up the street as he added, “Especially about, you know.”
“Nobody even knows about that here.”
“I’m just saying. I’ll drive all the fuck back and kick some fucking ass.”
Auggie smiled and adjusted the box. “Yeah.”
“I’ll tell mom you said you missed her.”
“Do not,” Auggie said. “Don’t you dare.”
Fer threw him the bird, got into the Escalade, and backed out of the parking stall. A moment later the SUV was turning at the corner, the California plates winking out of sight. Then Auggie was alone with a Missouri sky, Missouri kids, and the un-fucking-bearable Missouri heat. Surrounded by people swarming to move into dorms. Surrounded by kids his age laughing and playing. Surrounded, virtually, by hundreds of thousands of fans who wanted to see his latest video or his next joke. Surrounded in just about every way imaginable, and feeling oh-so-fucking alone right then that he thought he might cry. He pulled a sad face, snapped a few pictures of himself—had to get the jawline right—and scrawled wish you were here on the bottom of the best one. He posted it and figured that it could easily hit high five figures.
He carried the box back to Moriah Court, climbed the stairs—this time, two girls were moving an electronic keyboard and a brass monkey the size of a Doberman—and let himself back into the dorm room.
His first thought, upon seeing Orlando for the first time, his roommate standing with a towel around his waist, nothing but muscle on muscle on muscle and a thick pelt of hair on his bare chest, was: oh, fuck, he’s hot.
His second thought was: fucking Fer, being fucking right again.
And his third thought, seeing the slight shift in Orlando’s expression when he noticed the elongated moment of attention, was that he, Auggie Lopez, was fucked.