The Happy Sleeper Approach

“Cry It Out” Versus “Attachment Parenting” Sleep Methods

If you’ve reached out for sleep help before, you know that it can sound polarized into methods of “crying it out” and “attachment parenting.” The first emphasizes structure and independent sleep; the second tells you to be flexible and responsive to your baby’s needs. These approaches seem to contradict each other.

But this is a false, unhelpful divide. It makes parents unduly upset and confused because independent sleep and a loving, secure attachment are pitted against each other—as if they are at odds. In psychological terms, “attachment” involves being there to support your little one, while also encouraging her to learn, develop, and move toward independence. When you change a pattern to improve your baby or child’s sleep, there is usually protesting involved—you’re doing things differently and reshaping a well-entrenched habit! This is okay. If you are careful, thoughtful, and consistent in how you do this, your baby will feel supported (even though she may express big feelings about the change), and eventually she’ll learn a new pattern that helps her sleep well. Passing the job of soothing to your capable baby or child is very much in line with attachment theory.

For the best sleep, you need both the consistency of structured sleep training programs and the responsiveness (or as we will call it here, the “attunement”) of attachment-friendly ideas.

The Happy Sleeper Approach

Consistency and Attunement for Good Sleep

In this section we’ll look at two important aspects of healthy sleep—consistency and attunement—and how they work together to produce great little sleepers.

Consistency: Your Tiny Scientist

You know that consistency is important in all realms of parenting, but do you know it’s because your child’s brain, even as a newborn, is set up to detect and understand patterns? Newborns acquire knowledge and skills at a breathtaking pace and they are capable of associative learning (linking and remembering objects and events in their environment) right from the start.

THE PATTERN-SEEKING BRAIN

Baby brains already have the machinery to learn and remember patterns. Your baby needs only basic, lower regions of the brain, which she already has up and running, for associative learning. A 2-month-old can remember an event for a day or two. A 3-month-old can remember an event for roughly a week—but if babies are given reminders, the memory lasts far longer than this. At 6 months, development of areas like the visual cortex and the hippocampus are thought to make babies more particular and specific when it comes to associations. At this age, you might notice that if you try to change something about your routine or habits even slightly, your baby protests!

This is why even the smallest babies learn patterns and habits so quickly, and why they can easily become reliant on the sights, sounds, feels, and even tastes (like a bottle before bed) in their environment when it comes to sleep. Over the first 6 months of life, babies become better and better at associative learning and are capable of remembering and linking events more strongly and specifically.

The key is to use your child’s natural tendency to detect patterns and form habits, rather than being hampered by it. Babies and children are pattern-seekers, but they also forget old patterns more quickly than adults—making space in their inner laboratories for new behaviors. This is a huge advantage when you’re working on sleep. Later in this book, when you establish a pattern of your baby’s self-soothing, by using techniques like the Soothing Ladder or the Sleep Wave, your baby will detect and trust this pattern, let go of the old, unhelpful pattern, and then turn inward to feel calm. Not only do babies and kids look for patterns, they relax when they find them (and we don’t need to tell you how important relaxing is to sleep).

Example of Consistency: Make It Work for You

Here is a 6-month-old baby who has detected a pattern that, over time, disrupts sleep:

Your baby sleeps on a stroller walk. After a few weeks, she associates the motion of the stroller, curve of the seat, and the sounds of street noise with falling asleep. Now she seems unable to fall asleep in her flat, still, quiet crib.

Here’s the same baby, but now she has a pattern that helps sleep:

You put your baby in her crib for naps. She associates the motion of turning her head back and forth, the feel of her lovey, and the sounds of a fan in her room with falling asleep. Her room, her crib, and her body movements give her the cues that help her sleep.

Every technique we will teach you (especially for children over 5 months) requires the core element of consistency. It’s not just a tip; it’s a powerful fact about the way your child’s brain operates. Lots of parents tell us that they’ve tried and tried to get their child to sleep, but when we probe for more information, we almost always find a spot of inconsistency (even a small one) that confuses the child and disrupts sleep progress. If you harness this idea when you put a sleep plan in place, you’re likely to see old, unhelpful patterns fade and new, helpful ones take over within one to two weeks.

Consistency in the First 3 to 4 Months: A Special Case

The first months of life are unique in how unstructured they are—this is a time when you shouldn’t feel pressured to schedule your baby’s feeding and sleep. Following your baby’s cues in these early months allows for the natural development of her biological sleep rhythms. It’s also key to early attachment and the success of breast-feeding. Little babies need time for their nervous systems and growing bodies to mature before falling into structured routines.

This time is like a “honeymoon” period when you can use whatever soothing methods work for you. When you respond with sensitivity to your baby’s cues, she internalizes a feeling of trust and a sense that the world is a good place. In these first few months, err on the side of meeting your baby’s needs. In Chapter 3 we give you specific techniques for doing this, while steering clear of unhelpful sleep habits.

As your baby nears 4 months, she becomes very aware and surprisingly sensitive to a predictable and regular routine. By 5 to 6 months, most babies are capable of sleeping through the night and beginning to develop a regular nap schedule. This is why we have separate chapters for babies 0 to 4 months old and those who are 5 months to 2 years—the approach you take to helping your younger baby sleep is very different from the one you can take with an older baby or toddler.

Attachment and Attunement: How to Avoid Nighttime Helicopter Parenting

Babies and children need our warmth, touch, and love. When we soothe our little ones and meet their needs, it builds a sense of trust and allows them to feel comfortable exploring the world. This innate, biologically programmed system is present not just in humans but in many animals (baby monkeys stay close to their mom and use her as a base for exploration, too). This is the basis of attachment theory—one of the most important models for understanding child development.

Unfortunately, in many parenting books and in the media, the term “attachment” is translated and misinterpreted as a stick-like-glue, attached-at-the-hip idea. A lot of parents are missing the other half of the equation: a secure attachment comes from warmth and responsiveness, and it includes seeing when your child doesn’t need your help and is ready for the challenges that are part of developing and learning. This is how you encourage your child to grow and become more independent over time.

There are two sides to a healthy, balanced attachment.

When it comes to sleep, parents who take the term “attachment” literally end up swooping in too quickly and overhelping their child—becoming like a helicopter parent at night. No wonder people think attachment parenting is exhausting and so many who follow it end up in a sleep crisis! Parents with a balanced understanding of attachment often avoid sleep problems down the road because their baby has room to practice his sleeping abilities.

MOM EXHAUSTED AND STUMPED BY “ATTACHMENT PARENTING”

One day, a dear mom of a 6-month-old blurted out, “I just can’t do this attachment parenting thing anymore.” We asked her what she meant and she said, “This 24/7 responding to every peep and wake up. I’m spending so much time every night getting my baby back to sleep, over and over, and her sleep is not improving, it’s getting worse. We’re both so tired we can barely function.” We see this a lot—parents aren’t given the full story about what secure attachment really means, and that it includes having an eye toward your baby’s growing independence, learning, and, sometimes, struggle. They’re diligent about helping, but over time the baby is overly reliant on the parents and hasn’t practiced her own abilities.

You probably do this balancing act in other realms of parenting without even thinking about it. Imagine that your 15-month-old is working hard on a shape sorter. Her chubby little hand is jamming the pieces in just slightly askew. You’re dying to nudge the piece for her but you know she needs to struggle if she’s going to learn. You might offer a word or two of encouragement, but if you swipe the circle and pop it through the designated hole, she’s sure to hand the next piece right to you and ask you to do it for her again. When it comes to sleep, the same idea applies. When you do something for your child that she is able to do herself, you take away her chance to struggle and ultimately learn.

This is why we use the term “attunement” instead of “attachment”—so we can be clear about the goal. To be attuned is to be present and curious, so you can watch your baby and know when to help and also when to give her space. Attuned parents are responsive, while also having clear expectations. They send the message, I’m here with you, and I’m watching, but I know you can do it. You don’t underhelp (by shutting the door and never responding) or overhelp (lying down with your child, rocking or nursing your baby to sleep after she has outgrown this need). When you respond to your child this way, it’s amazing how you’ll see her sleep skills flourish. It’s not because you’ve trained her or tricked her into sleeping well, it’s because she’s able to practice and develop her natural, innate ability to sleep. Pause, observe, and allow your child to find her own way. It can be tough to do, but this is how your baby grows.

An attuned stance is curious, not knee-jerk. It gives children the reassurance that they have a loving, nurturing parent nearby, but it also gives them credit for what they’re capable of and allows them to practice. Babies change and grow so rapidly; attunement allows parents to maximize (instead of stifle) sleep development because it gives their little one enough room to flex those budding skills. In the Appendix, you’ll see exercises to help parents build attunement and mindfulness.

Sounds logical, right? But over and over, we see that parents either skew toward overhelping, or they overhelp, get fed up, and feel that they have no choice but to resort to a harsh, underhelping stance. Each of the methods in these chapters gives you concrete directions for how to be responsive, but to also allow your child to stay in charge of his own self-soothing (after the age of 5 months) so that he can sleep happily and independently.

Example of Attunement: Toddler Sleep Troubles

Here’s a scenario of a toddler who’s having a very common and normal fear of the dark. Night after night, he won’t fall asleep alone in his room and you’re all exhausted.

Underhelping: You get frustrated and snap at him, “There’s nothing to be afraid of!” You close the door and don’t go back in, even when he cries.

Overhelping: You immediately lie down with your child until he falls asleep, and continue to do this every time he goes to bed.

Attuned plan: You and your child practice making the room dark during the day. You talk about how light and dark work and use a flashlight to play and teach about shadows. When it’s time for bed, you give your child’s stuffed animal 10 hugs and kisses and tell him he can get these in the night if he needs them. You say good night and set up 5-minute “check-ons” (see Chapter 5 for the Reverse Sleep Wave).

YOUR BABY’S “INTERNAL ATTUNEMENT”FEELING GOOD ON HER OWN

You know how certain people seem to feel fundamentally okay when they’re alone—just themselves? They’re confident and comfortable in their own skin. Other people feel uneasy without distraction or company at all times.

The idea of comfort and trust in oneself (known as “internal attunement”) is something that isn’t usually communicated to parents, but it’s really important. This capacity grows slowly over your child’s development. It builds in the moments your baby is separate from you, when she can practice exploring and building self-confidence in her inner world; and it applies to daytime but also nighttime patterns. In fact, when we meet teens and adults who can’t sleep well (or be alone in general), we wonder if this critical piece of confidence and internal attunement is underdeveloped. Instead of only sending the message, “you need me,” to your child, we want to help you give her the chance to feel secure by herself and able to sleep peacefully (knowing Mom or Dad is nearby). When our babies gradually become conscious of the feeling of comfort and trust in themselves—solving some of their own dilemmas and being okay on their own—they start to develop the inner world of their mind and a growing awareness of their unique self. This “awareness of awareness” or relationship with self is part of what makes us uniquely human and able to move through the world with kindness and compassion.

EXERCISE: WAIT, WATCH, AND WONDER (ALSO KNOWN AS LET HIM BE!)

This exercise is a great way to watch your baby’s process of internal attunement. See your baby staring at his hands, at the tree branches swaying outside the window, or the light dancing across the ceiling? Wait, don’t do anything. Watch, notice everything you can about what your baby is up to. Wonder, how long will he continue and what will he do next? If your baby is happy and/or focused in his own little world, let him be! Don’t feel as though he needs your constant stimulation and input. How about times when your baby is struggling, persisting, maybe even getting a little frustrated? Maybe he’s reaching for a toy or trying to roll or crawl. Again, despite our impulse to help and rescue, the attuned response is to wait, watch, and wonder. When babies gain this confidence during the day, it strengthens their ability to access it at night.

Note About Attunement in the First 3 to 4 Months

In the first 3 to 4 months of life, your baby’s needs and patterns are unpredictable and require lots of flexibility and constant shifting on your part. Parents of newborns have a lot of wiggle room to try new things and do whatever works for their baby.

During this time, you initially weigh more heavily on the responsiveness side of the equation, but over time you will fade your help and let your baby take over. Your goal is to be curious and watch for signs that your baby can self-soothe, as every baby develops at a different pace. In Chapter 3, we will show you how to do this with tips for encouraging self-soothing and the Soothing Ladder. When your baby calls out, don’t automatically rush in and assume that he needs to be fed. Hesitate, watch, and listen with curiosity—this gives your baby the opportunity to show you his ever-growing abilities. Yesterday, his fussing may have escalated to the point where he needed your help, but today is a new day, and if you pause, you may notice him start to suck his fingers or stroke his lovey to soothe himself. If you didn’t wait a moment and watch, you would never know about this new ability. It would be like picking your baby up and carrying him every time he was about to pull to a stand and work on cruising.

Note About Attunement for Older Children

Older babies and little kids are already capable of sleeping well (even if it doesn’t seem so in your house quite yet). At this point, you will still be responsive, but you will focus on “passing the baton” of soothing to your child, and creating predictable responses and clear expectations around sleep. Attunement with older children is always loving and nurturing, but when sleep time comes, you hand over responsibility to your very capable child and allow her the space she needs to feel confident and secure in her sleep world.

Keep these principles in mind as you read the chapter for your baby or child’s age. Remember that good sleep goes beyond a quick fix (although we’ll give you plenty of those, too)—it’s part of your family philosophy and will last over the years and through many twists and turns in your child’s development.