Baby + Toddler (5 Months to 2 Years)

HEALTHY SLEEP HABITS

Your Baby’s Sleep

Why Does Your Baby Wake Up?

Your Child’s Bedroom

Early, Consistent Bedtime

Bedtime Routines

SLEEP SOLUTIONS

Falling Asleep Independently and Sleeping Through the Night: The Sleep Wave

The Exact Steps of the Sleep Wave

Using the Sleep Wave While Continuing to Feed at Night

Waking Up Too Early

Breast- or Bottle-Feeding, Weaning, and Sleep

Naps

TROUBLESHOOTING

5 Months to 2 Years

Troubleshooting the Sleep Wave, pacifiers, new motor milestones, climbing out of the crib, separation anxiety, throwing loveys out.

HEALTHY SLEEP HABITS

Your Baby’s Sleep

You have a different baby in the house now. She’s no longer a tiny, bundled newborn but rather a laughing, babbling—maybe even talking little human being. You can see it in her eyes, can’t you? The lights are on; she’s engaged and aware of the world around her (thanks to new, more sophisticated activity in her brain’s frontal cortex).

All of these changes are good news for sleep, because it means her self-soothing capabilities are growing fast. Have you noticed her sucking on her hand, or rocking back and forth to calm down? Maybe she’s grabbing her chubby feet and popping them in her mouth, turning her head and nuzzling a blanket, singing to herself, or rolling to her belly in her crib. These behaviors are all part of her budding ability to self-regulate. On top of this, her circadian system is now more mature (see Chapter 8) and craves a good, regular sleeping schedule.

At this point, bedtime and nighttime sleep should no longer feel like a lot of work to you. If you’re still hushing everyone within a one-mile radius, feeding or rocking until your child is in a deep sleep, or tiptoeing out of the room like a ninja-parent, praying that she doesn’t peep . . . you don’t have to do this anymore. It could be you’re bouncing or feeding your baby back to sleep multiple times a night, endlessly inserting and reinserting a pacifier, or pushing your toddler in a stroller to help her nap. Whatever it is, at this point you’re working so hard, but the truth is that your baby has become dependent on you to soothe her to sleep, when her own body and brain are capable of this job.

We know how frustrating this can get: you try and try to help your baby sleep, but you still end up exhausted and you feel as though you’re doing something wrong. Don’t worry, you’re in good company—sleep issues are very common at this age. A lot of babies and toddlers struggle with sleep troubles like:

Being unable to self-soothe and fall asleep independently
Waking up in the night out of habit rather than from hunger
Needing a parent’s presence or a stroller, car, or another device to nap
Going to bed too late, and therefore not sleeping eleven to twelve hours
Waking up too early, and therefore not sleeping 11 to 12 hours

If your baby falls into one of these categories, remember that she’s probably tired and wants to sleep, just like you do! Fortunately, even though sleep issues can feel like a major struggle, improving sleep is very doable if you consistently follow the right plan.

In this chapter we will guide you through improving sleep for babies ages 5 to 24 months. You’ll establish an early and consistent bedtime, a regular nap schedule, and a pattern of self-soothing that helps your baby fall asleep independently and sleep through the night. In this chapter, we’ll teach you the Sleep Wave, a technique for falling asleep independently that you can use with babies 5 months and older, as well as toddlers and even preschoolers. We’ll also walk you through how to approach feeding and weaning at night, and all of the other common questions and issues you may have.

As you read, keep in mind that the healthy sleep habits outlined in this chapter will improve your baby’s sleep right now, and also stay with your child for many years to come. An early and consistent bedtime and the ability to self-soothe and sleep through the night: these practices will become the norm and your child will expect and even want them in place down the road.

SLEEP NEEDS FOR BABIES AND TODDLERS

Babies 5 to 11 months

14 to 15 hours total

Three naps until about 9 months, then two naps

Toddlers 1 to 3 years

12 to 14 hours total

One nap

Why Does Your Baby Wake Up?

Here’s a fact: all babies wake up at night. The “good sleepers,” the “bad sleepers”—all pass through light sleep and into a twinkle of consciousness during the night as they transition through stages of sleep. You do this, too. When you wake up slightly you might roll over, adjust your blankets, plump your pillow . . . and drift back. Usually you’re not even fully awake—at least not for long enough to remember it the next day. Your sleep feels seamless to you, but in fact it reaches the border between sleep and wakefulness multiple times every night.

If babies don’t know how to self-soothe, they wake up fully instead of going back into a deep sleep.

When it comes to babies, the difference between the so-called good sleepers and bad sleepers is what they do when they partially wake up. Some roll over, grab their blankies or loveys, tuck their knees under them, and fall asleep again. Others call out for help to be soothed back to sleep. Our main goal in this chapter is for your baby to become a little expert in her own ways of getting comfy, self-soothing, falling asleep, and drifting back to sleep throughout the night without your assistance.

One of the main reasons babies signal for help at night is because they’re looking for the soothing trick that put them to sleep in the first place. If your baby nods off feeding or rocking in your warm arms and then, inexplicably, finds herself awake and alone in her crib, you can see why she summons you. Imagine if you fell asleep in your cozy bed, your favorite soft blanket tucked under your chin, and then woke up a few hours later, blanketless, on the living room floor. You’d reach around a bit for your blanket, wonder where you were, and you’d be disoriented enough to fully wake up and try to solve the mystery (and get your original sleep things back). That’s what it feels like for your baby when she slips into a dreamworld surrounded by certain stimuli—your arms, your motion, breast, or bottle—and then blinks awake under totally different circumstances later in the night.

What looks to parents like their child’s sleep problem is often just the result of unhelpful sleep associations. Sleep associations are the conditions under which your child falls asleep that, over time, she links to the act of soothing and sleeping. Certain sleep associations are good and helpful, but others delay sleep at bedtime or disrupt sleep in the middle of the night because they require the input of Mom or Dad. If your baby can’t re-create the exact soothing method that put her to sleep initially, you’re likely to hear from her in the wee hours. If you’re still putting your baby to bed already asleep (or virtually asleep), this will be the first thing to change in order to improve both her daytime and nighttime sleep. The goal is to put your baby to bed with her as a conscious, knowing participant—without any sneaking out or surprises.

BEDTIME: THE CORNERSTONE OF GOOD SLEEP

Bedtime sets the tone for the whole night. The way your child goes to bed will often determine the quality of her sleep overall. If she goes to sleep with you holding or feeding her, she’s more likely to look around for you when she stirs at night. If she drifts off with her own soothing methods (rolling, wiggling into her favorite position, nuzzling her blankie or lovey, listening to the rain sounds in her room), she can re-create this any time she wakes up at night.

This is why we focus on bedtime first. Newborns often need to be soothed to sleep, but by 5 to 6 months, babies become capable of taking over this job (with some room to practice). After this age, it’s important to look at the associations and circumstances around bedtime. You will always help your child with comforting routines, stories, songs, cuddles, and so forth, but once she’s in her crib or bed, if there is anything you do that she can’t do herself later, you will want to replace this with a soothing method she can be in charge of all night long. Follow safe sleeping guidelines (see “Safe Sleeping Practices”) when deciding what to put in your child’s crib.

Unhelpful Sleep Associations	Helpful Sleep Associations
Rocking, bouncing to sleep	Loveys, blankies (stuffed animals for toddlers)
Breast- or bottle-feeding to sleep	Baby rocking back and forth
Swings, vibrating chairs, and other devices	Nature sounds or white noise all night
Pacifiers that baby can’t reinsert	Sucking fingers or thumb
Music that turns off during the night	Moving into favorite sleep position
Stroller rides or car trips	Singing or talking to self in the crib

Babies also wake up in the night for feedings. Later in this chapter we’ll help you decide how to approach breast- or bottle-feeding at night. You do not have to wean your baby in order to improve her sleep—you can work on her self-soothing skills while keeping feedings in place. If you are ready to wean, we will walk you through the steps for this, too.

As you work on sleep with your baby, remember that all children go through periods of difficult sleep. Think about it: their brains and bodies are in a constant state of change and growth. Teething, new motor skills, language acquisition, cognitive development, separation anxiety, travel, illness, nightmares, transitioning to the big bed (the list goes on!)—all of these normal parts of development will disrupt sleep patterns at some point. Working on sleep is not something that you do one time to “fix” the problem and voilà! If you think this way, you’re bound to be frustrated and confused by temporary setbacks. Instead, we’re going to teach you concepts and practices that lead to a good, healthy sleep foundation. When you have this, you can weather these bumps and sleep disruptions in the best way possible, and then quickly get sleep back on track for the whole family.

AWAKE VERSUS ASLEEP

Multiple research studies have found that babies and toddlers who are put into bed already asleep are more likely to wake up during the night and less likely to be self-soothers. A National Sleep Foundation poll on children’s sleep found that infants and toddlers who were put to bed asleep tended to sleep about an hour less at night than those who were put to bed awake. Those who were put to bed asleep were nearly three times as likely to wake two or more times compared to those who are put to bed awake.

Your Child’s Bedroom

The sights, sounds, and feel of your child’s bedroom environment play a big role in promoting sleep. The following are important for babies, toddlers, preschoolers, and school-age children, and they apply no matter where your child sleeps.

Light Your child is exquisitely attuned to light, which is the primary signal to her internal clock (see Chapter 8). Install blinds or hang curtains that block early morning rays and make the room very dark for naptime (we often ask parents if their baby’s room is dark and they say it definitely is; when we look for ourselves, we see that it’s not even close to being dark enough). Bright home lights can suppress the release of melatonin (which naturally rises as we near bedtime) and interfere with your child’s ability to fall asleep. In the evening, lower the lights in the house an hour before bedtime and use a dim lamp during bedtime routine to help your child’s body wind down. If she wakes in the night, use a nightlight (see “Light, Electronics, and Bedtime”) instead of bright overhead lights. Darkening shades or curtains that can be pulled back in the morning are best, so the room can have natural light. In the morning, pull back the shades—this is like pressing “start” on your child’s internal clock.

Sound Use a low fan or nature sounds to block ambient noise, from siblings, barking dogs, and so forth.

Smell Keep the air fresh in your child’s room, so that the smell and air quality are pleasant. Open the windows during the day to let air circulate. Use a low fan or air purifier to keep a gentle flow of moving air.

Feel Give your child a comfortable, firm sleep surface and soft sheets (make sure to follow safe sleeping guidelines). If your older child is using a pillow, it should be the right size for his body, supporting his neck in alignment with his spine, not craned upward. Most children don’t need pillows until they are at least 2 years old, and many don’t use them until they move to a big bed.

Temperature Keep the room cool, around 65 to 68 degrees Fahrenheit. It may sound chilly, but cooler temperatures are generally better for sleep. If it’s hot and you do not have air-conditioning, use a fan to bring in cooler outside air at night. Don’t overbundle your baby for sleeping.

No Television Children who have a television in their bedroom tend to sleep less at night and are also less likely to take a nap than those with no TV in their room.

Design Your child’s room should be a peaceful space that makes you both feel relaxed and comfortable.

Early, Consistent Bedtime

One of the best ways to help your baby sleep is to set an early and consistent bedtime—between 7:00 and 7:30 p.m. works well for most. When babies and young children stay up later than this, they often become overtired and overstimulated, as levels of stress hormones like cortisol begin to rise in their bodies. This can make them activated, moody, and even less likely to be able to wind down and fall asleep.

The sweet spot for putting your baby to bed is before this happens. Try not to wait until she shows classically “tired” signs like yawning and rubbing her eyes—the optimal bedtime is when your baby is quietly talking, playing, and in a good mood.

Staying up too late can also cause your baby to wake up earlier in the morning (counterintuitive, right?), whereas an early bedtime often begets longer and longer stretches of sleep over time.

Setting an early bedtime can feel like a major adjustment, especially if you’re an evening person. But an early bedtime truly optimizes sleep for babies and young children, whose bodies are naturally programmed for early rising. You might notice that your baby wakes up at the same time in the morning no matter what time she goes to bed (put her to bed at 9:00 p.m. and she wakes at 6:00 a.m.; put her to bed at 7:00 p.m. and she wakes up at 6:00 a.m.—that’s a powerful internal alarm!). Putting your child to sleep early allows her the best chance of sleeping a full 11 to 12 hours. Your baby’s circadian system is quite mature now, so regularity is important.

This kind of schedule creates a dilemma for a lot of parents: with such an early bedtime, Mom or Dad gets home too late to see the kids. We know this is a tough spot (and we’ve had to juggle this fact with our own families, too). But a full night’s sleep is so important to your child’s development; it’s better for her to be well-rested than to routinely keep her up for the purpose of seeing you. You might also see that when Mom or Dad comes home from work, the energy and excitement disrupts bedtime routines and delays sleep even more. It doesn’t mean you can never be flexible, but the majority of nights, keep to your child’s bedtime. Carve out another time, like the morning routine or a weekend swim class, to give the parent who misses out in the evenings the much-needed bonding time. For parents who work late and aren’t able to get baby down at 7:00 p.m., 7:30 or even 8:00 p.m. is okay, as long as baby still gets at least 11 hours of sleep. Some babies adjust better to a later bedtime than others.

WORK SCHEDULES AND BEDTIME

Erin: My husband John rarely got home in time to see Riley before her bedtime. When I tried keeping her up so they could see each other, her sleep really fell apart and it truly wasn’t worth it. We came up with the solution of having Daddy get up with her at 6:30 in the morning and spend an hour playing and having a bottle. They came to treasure this time together and I got a luxurious extra hour of sleep! This eventually gave John the confidence to begin spending more one-on-one time with Riley on the weekends.

Just as some adults are natural night owls and others are “larks,” or morning people, kids can also have these innate biological tendencies. However, often what looks like genuine night owl behavior is the result of an inconsistent bedtime, bedtime routine, or difficulty self-soothing. If you truly have a night owl child, you may notice that she’s able to stay awake until 8:00 p.m. and sleep until 7:00 a.m. consistently and is happy with this schedule. If so, that’s great, and it may work well with your own sleep schedule, too. On the other hand, if your night owl baby still wakes up at 6:30 a.m., you’ll want to make sure her bedtime is no later than 7:30 p.m. Even children with night owl tendencies can usually do well with early bedtimes if they are consistent. In fact, a baby with this tendency might need you to be extra consistent and clear with bedtime practices to help her wind down and get a full night’s sleep.

Bedtime Routines

Babies are highly sensitive to routine. A calming, consistent set of steps leading up to bedtime signals to your child’s brain and body that sleep is just around the corner. Your baby is a little scientist and she’s always looking for patterns in her environment. She wants you to do things the same way each day—repetition is soothing to her. In the newborn months, you had a lot of wiggle room to do whatever worked—sometimes you put your baby to sleep at 9:00 p.m. and other nights 6:30 p.m., sometimes you sang a song and rocked her to sleep and other nights she fell asleep while feeding. But if you haven’t already, now is the time to start doing the exact same thing, in the same order, every night before bed.

Sample Bedtime Routines

Your baby’s routine can last for 30 to 60 minutes or more, depending on how many steps it contains and whether you have multiple children. These are just examples. You will find your own special steps; just be sure you choose soothing rather than activating ones, and keep the same order, with a calm tone:

6-Month-Old	12-Month-Old	20-Month-Old
Bath	Bath	Bath
Pajamas	Pajamas	Pajamas
Feeding	Feeding	Books
Books	Baby-led play	Lights out
Say good night to objects in the room	Books	Tell a story about the day
Lights out	Say good night to objects in the room	Song
Songs, cuddle/sway	Lights out	Good night kiss
Bed	Songs, cuddle/sway	Bed
	Good night kiss
	Bed

The Soothing, Repetitive Routine

Make your baby’s bedtime routine an enjoyable, calming set of steps that are the same from night to night. The “what” of the routine doesn’t matter as much as the “how.” Even turning on a certain type of music, lowering the lights in the house, and doing very small behaviors such as drawing the curtains, turning on the fan, saying good night to objects in the room with a quiet voice, or arranging blankets just so become a cue for sleep if you repeat these steps every night. Drowsiness develops into a Pavlovian-like response for your baby if your actions are calm and consistent. Watch the way your simple behaviors, if they’re slow, almost methodical and consistent, can trigger a calming reflex in your baby.

It’s best to do the last steps of your routine in your baby’s bedroom, and the very last step (for example, singing a song) with the lights out, so that your baby has a moment with you in the dark before you leave the room.

Dim Lights and Disconnect

Dim the lights in your home an hour before bedtime to help your child’s brain and body wind down. Avoid having your baby watch TV before bed, as this can delay her ability to fall asleep. It’s also better not to make TV a strong sleep association that your baby, and eventually your child, grows into needing.

LIGHTS, ELECTRONICS, AND BEDTIME

The lights in your home—including overhead lights and light from electronic screens on devices like tablets and computers—can interfere with your child’s ability to fall asleep. This is because light suppresses the release of melatonin—a chemical that naturally rises as we begin to feel drowsy before bed. This is especially true of blue light, which is emitted by a lot of electronics. Use dim lights for nightlights (red light has the least powerful effect on melatonin secretion, so you could replace your baby’s nightlight with a red bulb, which will be the least alerting light source).

Wind down the House

Shift the energy in the house (including your own) roughly 30 to 60 minutes before your baby’s bedtime. The older they get, the more children believe that by going to sleep they’re missing out on a party in the living room. If your child gets the sense that the whole house is settling down, it becomes much easier for her to let go and shift into bedtime mode.

Routines Grow with Babies

Yes, consistency is key with routines, but remember that your baby’s routine will grow with her. Sometimes we meet families who say their toddler’s routine is still bath, massage, rocking, and milk—a great routine for a very young baby, but not a great fit for an alert, curious older one. The trick is to make your bedtime routine age appropriate and engaging (like telling a story about the day with your toddler), while still being calm.

Some babies like to have their bedtime books read to them as they move around and explore the area, rather than in the quintessential side-by-side pose. This can also help them tap into their internal regulation and be in charge of calming down their nervous systems in preparation for sleep.

Baby-Led Play

Baby-led play warms up your child’s self-soothing skills before bedtime. To do this, you simply get down on the ground and follow your baby’s interests and play behaviors for 10 to 20 minutes. This is an option—try it out and see if it helps you and your baby shift modes. If it fits in your bedtime routine (it’s often easier to accommodate if you have only one child), you can decide when in the routine it will come.

At 5 to 6 months, baby-led play can be simply watching your baby practice rolling, picking up a similar toy, and occasionally narrating what she is doing or mirroring her movements and sounds. As her play grows more complex and creative, you may be called upon to join your child in imaginary play. The key is that it’s calm and that you follow rather than lead.

We often hear about babies starting to cry the minute the parent enters their bedroom to start the routine. Including baby-led play in their room, as a predictable step in their bedtime routine, can really turn this around. Now, your little one will look forward to this special time, when she gets to be in charge and show you a thing or two.

SLEEP SOLUTIONS

Falling Asleep Independently and Sleeping Through the Night: The Sleep Wave

If you put your baby to sleep at the beginning of the night using feeding, motion, or something similar, this is the place to start to improve her sleep. Remember that babies are smart little pattern detectors, and typically by 4 to 5 months, they become very aware and very attached to their sleep associations. If you are still soothing your baby all the way to sleep (or virtually to sleep) at bedtime or in the middle of the night, this association is probably very strong. At this age and older, it’s difficult to change this pattern gradually (for example, by using the Soothing Ladder in Chapter 3). To transfer the role of soothing to your baby after 4 to 5 months of age, you’ll need a sleep approach that is very clear.

In fact, you may notice that with your older baby, helping actually makes things worse. We often find that the same feeding, swinging, or rocking that supports newborn sleep seems to hinder an older baby’s sleep. Over time, as parents continue to help their child, sleep plateaus or even regresses. These are some signs that your baby’s cognitive development is clicking along, her awareness is growing, and she is ready to shift to doing the soothing herself:

Your “helping ways,” like feeding, rocking, or strolling, begin taking longer and longer to get your child to sleep.
Your baby wakes more during the night, skips naps, or takes very short naps.
Your baby wakes up the minute you lower her into the crib or very soon after.
Your baby arches her back or struggles slightly as you hold and try to soothe her to sleep.
Rather than becoming sleepier, your baby seems activated by your presence.

These are signs that you, with the best of intentions, are actually getting in the way of your baby’s sleep. Your baby is telling you, “I need to do this soothing-to-sleep part on my own!”

It may not seem like it right now, but your baby is able to fall asleep independently and sleep for long stretches at night (if not a full 11 to 12 hours). The problem is that if your baby has become reliant on external soothing, this is now masking her innate ability to sleep well. Even though older babies are able to take over the role of self-soothing, they get confused by the blurred lines around who is actually doing the soothing.

Setting up new sleep patterns will actually grow your baby’s brain. We know that as babies practice new behaviors, like accessing their self-soothing abilities, they create and begin to strengthen neural pathways in the brain. It’s kind of like creating a new path in a forest: at first, you can barely see it, but as you travel it over and over, it becomes clear and obvious. For babies (and for all of us), those well-traveled pathways become easy and natural to follow the more they are traveled.

The Sleep Wave will help you “pass the baton” of soothing to your capable baby. In this section, we’ll walk you through this technique, a simple and effective method that will allow your baby to practice putting herself to sleep and will help her sleep for a full night, too (as you’ll read, you can decide to keep feedings in place if you wish). Read through this entire section before starting to use the Sleep Wave (you can use the Sleep Wave Planner in the Appendix).

Remember that babies don’t need to be trained to sleep—they naturally have this capacity. Using the Sleep Wave will help you back away from habits that are not needed and create a clear pattern to your behavior and response; once your baby detects, tests, and trusts that pattern, she can relax, turn inward, and access her natural ability to fall asleep.

Before You Start the Sleep Wave

1. Review Healthy Sleep Habits. Make sure you have put the Healthy Sleep Habits, which are outlined earlier in this chapter, in place. Please read through this section before moving forward.

2. Make Adjustments to the Room Environment. Make sure that you have the right bedroom elements in place and that your child is comfortable and familiar with her room. If your baby is sleeping in your room, but your goal is for her to transition to her own room, this is a good time to do it. Allow her a little awake playtime to get comfortable in her room before starting your sleep plan. You can “dress” the crib in her new room for play, adding a bright sheet, toys, and maybe a mobile, during the day. Have her spend some playtime in there for a few days, both with you nearby and on her own. Redress the crib for sleep and practice putting her down there for naps or the first segment of nighttime sleep. Your child should be familiar with her sleeping place before starting the Sleep Wave.

3. When you start the Sleep Wave, you’ll be removing your “unhelpful” sleep associations while making sure all “helpful” ones are in place. For example, it’s a good idea to give your child a lovey if you haven’t already.

4. Set Your Baby’s Schedule. In the Healthy Sleep Habits section, we asked you to set an early bedtime. Now that you’re starting the Sleep Wave, you’ll also set your child’s wake-up time to be at least eleven hours after bedtime. So, for example, if bedtime is 7:00 p.m., then wake-up time will be no earlier than 6:00 a.m.

5. Choose the Right Time

Is your family ready for a structured sleep plan? Make sure:

Your baby is at least 5 months old (if you’re considering the Sleep Wave with a younger baby).
There is no minimum weight requirement for using the Sleep Wave. However, if you are thinking about weaning from night feedings and you have any concerns about your baby’s weight gain, growth, or health in general, consult your doctor.
You and your baby are healthy and have no vaccines scheduled in the next 2 weeks.
The house is stable for the next two weeks, meaning that you will not travel, go back to work, or undergo any other major changes.

6. Parents Must Be on the Same Page. We can’t emphasize enough how important consistency is when you’re working on sleep, and one of the most common places for a break in consistency is between the behaviors of each parent. This happens for many reasons: one parent badly wants a change, while the other feels fine with the status quo; one parent feels uncomfortable with the plan; one parent is an expert on the plan but the other isn’t fully versed in the details; one parent adheres to the plan consistently, but then goes out of town . . . you see what we mean!

This is why we strongly recommend that, if there are two parents in the house, both of you read this chapter and then sit down together and write out the plan for yourselves (you can use the “Sleep Wave Planner” tool in the Appendix). Your baby will pick up on your calm consistency and feel secure when all parties are on the same page. This can make or break your success in changing a sleep pattern.

Sleep can be a big source of tension for many couples, especially if each person has a different idea of what’s best—and the middle of the night is the worst time to debate and decide how to respond to your child. If you’ve each got your own tactics, it leads to too many tricks in the bag and the sense that nothing is working. One of the benefits of following a structured sleep plan is that you no longer have to doubt yourself or each other as you troubleshoot sleep issues. This is why when we do sleep consults, we ask both partners to be present so that they can hear and understand the plan together.

The Sleep Wave Method

When your child is practicing a new way to fall asleep, there’s often protesting and crying involved—you are changing a pattern she is so used to! It’s at this point that parents get confused about how to respond—do I go in the room, do I comfort her, do I leave her alone? If you don’t respond to your child at all, she’ll likely start to wonder where you are and, after a while, she might begin to feel worried or fearful. But if you swoop in and help soothe, you’ll confuse her as to who is in charge of soothing to sleep. The Sleep Wave is the way to do both—respond and let your child know you’re close, while making it crystal clear to her that soothing to sleep is her job. Your goal here is to “pass the baton” of soothing to your child.

When you do this, you’ll be surprised to see that your baby has her unique way of getting comfy and falling asleep. It’s actually a very sweet and amazing process to watch (once your baby has shifted from protesting to accessing her own abilities). We’ve seen babies do this in so many ways—some roll to their bellies and tuck their knees underneath them, some put their legs up the side of the crib, others rock back and forth, nuzzle their blankets . . . each individual baby has a special way of making herself comfortable and drifting off to sleep. You won’t know your baby’s personal technique for falling asleep (and your baby won’t know, either) until you give her enough space to develop it.

You are like a wave as you respond to your baby.

The reason we call this method the Sleep “Wave” is that we want you, the parent, to imagine yourself as a wave in the ocean. Your repetitive, rhythmic visits, as you roll in and out, are a constant, predictable response for your child. You come and go in a reliable way, and this is key to a healthy attachment. Your baby—who is a natural little scientist, constantly looking for patterns—will learn how you move through this method, always responding to let her know you’re there, but not reverting to doing the soothing for her. Once she detects, tests, and finally trusts your wave pattern, she will relax, turn inward, and access her own self-soothing abilities.

For the fastest learning, we recommend using the Sleep Wave starting at bedtime and continuing to use it in exactly the same way with any nighttime wakings, after any nighttime feedings, and with naps the next day—this gives your baby the most consistent pattern of your response. If your baby is feeding at night, read the section on feeding and decide either to wean or keep these feedings in place. As you’ll read later, you can use the Sleep Wave at bedtime and after feedings as well (with or without weaning those feedings).

The Exact Steps of the Sleep Wave

1. Put your baby down awake. After bedtime routine, put your baby down drowsy but awake. Give her a pat and say a few words, like “It’s time for sleeping. Mommy’s right outside. I love you,” and leave the room. The statement you say before leaving the room is your “script,” which you will use during your visits if your child is crying. Create your own script and write it down so you and anyone else who puts your baby to sleep is saying and doing exactly the same thing. It’s crucial that it is repeated word for word and not changed or expanded.

Good to know: Your baby’s brain has an abundance of “mirror neurons” that absorb emotions from people around her. Approach this process with confidence so that your baby feels good about sleep. Be positive and envision a good outcome—your baby is very sensitive to your physical and emotional state. Your tone should be calm and matter-of-fact. What you’re conveying to your baby is that you believe in her abilities and will respond reliably until she trusts the new pattern.

2. The 5-minute check. If your baby starts to cry (really cry—not just fuss, squawk, or whine), wait for 5 minutes. Go into the room, stand either at the door or at the side of the crib (somewhere where your baby can see and hear you), and say your script in a matter-of-fact, confident tone. Your visit should only last as long as it takes to walk in, say your script, and walk out (about 7 to 10 seconds). The check is only to let baby know you’re there. The check is not at all meant to calm her down or help her fall asleep. Don’t soothe, touch, or pick your baby up. Let your baby sense that you give her credit for what you know she’s capable of, and you will continue to do your checks until she trusts the pattern and falls asleep. This is key. Initially, the parent who feels more confident is the best one to do the checks, but you can alternate parents, too. If one parent needs to step outside the house to regroup while the other one takes over and does the checks, that’s okay! It’s not uncommon for babies to protest and cry for 20 to 60 minutes at bedtime, and occasionally this period is longer on the second or third night.

Good to know: When the Sleep Wave isn’t working as well as we expect, it’s often because the parent is staying in the room too long, trying to calm, soothe, and help. The paradox is that the well-meaning helping actually makes it much harder for the baby to turn inward. When you deviate from your plan and change your behavior even slightly (by rubbing her back when you go in for one of your checks, for example), your baby then has to spend energy guessing what you’re going to do next, or decoding your behavior and wondering if her protest has resulted in this help from you.

3. The Wave. If she’s still crying, wait another 5 minutes and repeat step 2 exactly. If the crying stops, reset the time to zero and go back in if cries start again and last for 5 minutes. Returning every 5 minutes, if she’s crying, helps your baby detect your pattern. Resist the urge to lengthen the time. Your baby needs your visits to be 100 percent predictable.

If your baby is whining or crying intermittently, it can be hard to tell exactly when to go in. Use your best judgment and try to give your baby space if she’s simply talking, grumbling, or mildly protesting, but do your check when she has been truly crying for 5 minutes.

Good to know: Sometimes parents tell us, “This doesn’t work. Every time I go in, my baby gets louder and madder.” What we say is that’s exactly what we expect to happen initially. You’ve got to be prepared to “ride the hump.” This is the period, usually the first, second, or third night, when your baby is testing the new pattern and may protest for a long time. The reason we want you to keep the intervals at exactly 5 minutes is that this amount of time is short enough and the frequency always predictable so that there is no risk that your baby moves beyond the protest stage into even the wondering where you are stage. Yes, she’ll get louder and madder, but with the frequency and predictability of your visits, she will still feel safe and secure. You are responding to her, you’re just not responding the way you used to. Once she trusts your new pattern, she will stop protesting, relax, and turn inward to her own very capable sleep abilities. This can take time. Babies are very good little scientists. They like lots of data before they feel certain. We know the Sleep Wave works, because, over the years, we’ve seen it happen for thousands of parents and babies.

4. Good morning. Set a wake-up time that is 11 hours after bedtime. Before this time, you will implement the Sleep Wave for any awakenings your baby has. If your baby is still feeding at night and you wish to wean from one or more feedings, you will need to do so gradually. Anytime after the set wake-up time, greet your baby and make it clear that this is morning. Gently open the blinds, give her a big smile, and sing a little song. Soon her internal clock will register when it’s time to wake up. We don’t recommend waking your baby up in the morning even if 11 hours have passed. Ideally, you’ll let her sleep end naturally.

If you’re consistent, most babies figure out the pattern in two to four days and nighttime sleep will improve. Learning often happens more quickly if you apply the Sleep Wave at nighttime and daytime sleep simultaneously. Read more on naps and the Sleep Wave at naptime later in this chapter.

Crying

It’s really difficult to hear your child cry. If you’re like most loving parents, you might worry that you’re harming your child by allowing her to cry without helping—especially because you probably know just what to do to fix the problem (feeding, rocking, lying down with your child), but instead you’re sitting on your hands! Some parents worry that their child will be mad at them in the morning, or that it will hurt their relationship with their baby or their baby’s sense of attachment.

Your baby is crying because she’s protesting change. You’re doing things differently now—you’re altering a well-entrenched pattern. You (or a swing, stroller, or another sleep association) used to be in charge of soothing, and now your child is the one in charge. It’s a difficult shift to make and we can’t blame our babies for having strong feelings about it! When she cries, your baby is initially saying, “Hey, hey, hey, what’s going on here? This isn’t the way we do things!” If you are consistent she will move to, “Huh, I’m starting to detect a pattern here,” to finally, “I trust this pattern, feel safe, and now can get down to the business of soothing myself to sleep.” You are responding to your baby, you’re just not taking back the role of soothing to sleep.

Remember that it’s okay for your baby to feel frustrated and to struggle. You can’t expect her to be content at every moment. Imagine that your baby wanted to climb a bookcase, or your older child wanted to eat chocolate bars for dinner but you said no—there are lots of moments in which you know you could do something to make your child temporarily happier, but that wouldn’t lead to longer-term happiness. Remember that sometimes the moments of frustration are your baby’s best learning opportunities. We’ve been there, too, so we know this can be hard!

We also know thousands of precious and happy babies, toddlers, and kids who have gone through this period of shifting to using their self-soothing capacities. The feedback we consistently get from our families is that when they stay consistent with the plan, they are proud and amazed at their child’s abilities, and the whole family is happier, less stressed, and more balanced overall.

LOVING MAMA NERVOUS ABOUT LETTING BABY CRY

Lindsay: I was one of those expectant moms who thought her baby would magically sleep on her own. She would nap during the day and sleep peacefully at night in the bassinet next to our bed. I thought I would never allow Blake to cry. After all I am her mama and she just needs Mama’s love. Flash forward 4 months and baby has worked her way into our bed and is nursing at all times through the night. My husband was on board with the Sleep Wave, but I was reluctant—I did not want to disappoint my sweet girl, I did not want to hurt the bond and trust that I had been working so hard to attain. Close to her turning 5 months, the sleep deprivation started to get the best of me as well as my lack of any personal space, so I decided that we would give the Sleep Wave a try. On the first night, I cried more than she did, which was 5 minutes. On the second night she took 12 minutes to settle in, and on the third night, no tears at all! We are now three weeks plus into the Sleep Wave and she is sleeping through the night! Five months really is the magic age. We are a much happier, healthier, and well-rested family.

There is no reason to think that periods of crying (against the backdrop of loving and attentive parenting) have a negative impact on children. Quite the opposite, in fact: research on this topic says that structured sleep plans work, and that they increase well-being for the whole family. What we have discovered, happily, is that the checks can be this frequent and still work extremely well, if the plan is followed carefully.

We recommend checking on your child every 5 minutes so that her tears are ones of protest, not worry, fear, or abandonment.

This is neither a “cry-it-out” nor an “attachment-style parenting” approach. Remember that in psychological terms, attachment means being there to support your little one, while also encouraging her to learn, develop, and move toward independence. This is fundamental to raising a happy, healthy child. Passing the job of soothing (which will involve some tears of protest) to your capable baby is very much in line with attachment theory.

Five-minute checks keep baby in the protest state, so she doesn’t move into a state of wondering, worrying, fear, or abandonment.

MANTRAS FOR PARENTS

These are short, helpful, and supportive thoughts to tell yourself or to envision while you and your child are working on sleep. Create your own or use ours:

It’s okay for my baby to struggle or feel frustrated.
My baby is protesting because we’re changing a strong pattern. She has feelings about it, and that’s okay!
I’m helping my baby get enough sleep, so that she is healthy and feels rested during the day. She needs to sleep well.
I want her brain and body to get the “nutrition” they need from adequate sleep.
We, as parents, need to get back to sleeping normally so we can be attentive and available to our children during the day.
I want my baby to go to bed feeling confident in her ability to get comfortable and fall asleep on her own.
Picture your child sleeping peacefully and how much the family will enjoy one another when you’ve all slept well.
I want my baby to acquire healthy sleep habits for a lifetime.
I want my baby’s sleep development to be on track rather than delayed.
We, as parents, are ready to feel better rested so we can have some time for each other.
Our mantra for you: Every time you complete a 5-minute check consistently, a big chunk of money goes into your “bank account.” You are accruing sleep wealth. If you break the pattern, you lose all of your money!

The Sleep Wave with a Verbal Child

Babies and kids vary a lot in their behaviors and the sounds they make while you’re using the Sleep Wave. When you’re working on sleep with a toddler, he might stand at the side of the crib, talk, and summon you in a much more sophisticated way than would a 9-month-old baby. It might feel hard to hear your toddler call to you with such clear words, but the fundamental idea of the Sleep Wave is the same no matter what your child’s age.

If those clear cries of “Momma” or “Dada” pull extra hard at your heartstrings, we understand. You can, however, find solace in the fact that, by this age, your little talker knows in an even more concrete way that, between checks, you are not far away. He also has the brainpower to detect, test, and quickly trust the repetitive, predictable pattern of your behavior during your checks. It may feel more difficult to stay consistent, but there is no concern that he will feel abandoned or worried.

If your child is at the age (typically 18 months or older), when his verbal abilities are advanced enough, you might want to try the following:

Do some rehearsals during the day with puppets or stuffed animals to show your toddler what bedtime will now look like.
Make sure that your child’s bedtime routine is growing with him, adding in quiet, child-led play, books, and songs that are interesting and calming.
If your child is more than 2 years old, we recommend reading the information in the next chapter, which deals with bedtime resistance and the Sleep Wave with older children.

Consistency Is Key

Remember, you are a rhythmic and steady wave. You let your baby know that you are there, so he doesn’t feel abandoned or fearful. He may get pretty loud, but he won’t be worried or fearful because of your responsive, predictable presence. But also remember, if you blur the lines by soothing him even a little on your visit, it will confuse him and prolong the process. Give him space to practice his skills. Exude confidence in him; he will absorb that feeling.

One of the reasons we underscore consistency in this approach is that we’ve noticed it actually leads to parents being more responsive overall. When parents try “gentle” methods that involve a greater amount of soothing on the parents’ part, it tends to make the baby cry even more (because he’s confused) or, if it doesn’t work, it results in parents taking a harsher approach or not responding to the baby at all—which we would never advise.

Your baby is geared to test the world. Your job is to give him plenty of reliable data. The more you stay calm and consistent, the sooner he will grow to trust the pattern of your response.

TWO PARENTS, ONE CONSISTENT PLAN

Katya: We were nervous about trying the Sleep Wave with Nadia but it really was a complete game changer. We were the dorks who wrote our script on a dry-erase board to make sure we were being consistent! The advice for me and my husband to create our plan together and be on the same page made all the difference. It also helped my anxiety to be encouraged to wait until 5 months, when Nadia was cognitively more mature and aware that we still existed when we weren’t right there. She progressed very quickly and, within two to three nights, was falling asleep on her own with ease.

THE SLEEP WAVE WITH 6-MONTH-OLD ELLA

Tara: Initially, the Sleep Wave worked great for Ella, after only a few nights. A few weeks later, she began to protest at bedtime again. We realized that my husband, Colin, was staying too long for the checks and trying to help, by shushing and rubbing Ella’s back, which blurred the lines for her. Once he followed the “no soothing” instructions to a T, it made all the difference in the world, and Ella went back to falling asleep on her own very easily.

TOP ELEVEN REASONS THE SLEEP WAVE ISN’T WORKING:

1. The parent doing the 5-minute checks is doing even a little bit of soothing (beyond responding with presence in the room and the few words of the script), for example, rubbing baby’s back while in the room. This is very confusing and motivates the baby to continue reaching out externally instead of turning inward. When this happens, the baby isn’t working on his innate soothing capacity because he’s distracted by trying to get the parent in the room to soothe him.

2. The parent is anxious, unsure, resentful, exasperated—you name it! The parent who checks needs to be confident, calm, and matter-of-fact.

3. Daytime sleep patterns. It’s important that baby has enough naps during the day, as this improves regulation and the ability to fall asleep easily. Naps should end by 3:30 or 4:30 p.m.

4. Weaning too quickly. Read more on weaning in the next section.

5. The room is too warm or baby is overdressed.

6. Baby needs more tummy-time exercise during the day so he’s free to move around the crib and choose his own sleep position. See “Tips for Tummy Time”.

7. The crib is in the parents’ room. This is much more difficult, because older babies tend to be very activated by the presence of the parents. If baby is in the room with you, see Chapter 6.

8. Feeding is the very last component of the bedtime routine. Move the feeding earlier in your bedtime routine and read a story, sing songs, or walk around and tell everything in the room “good night,” as the last steps before going in the crib. This also allows baby’s tummy to settle before being put down.

9. Bedtime and naptime routines are nonexistent or are not age appropriate. We often see parents who drop the naptime routine altogether or are doing a bedtime routine that is suitable for a much younger baby.

10. The baby is going through a developmental surge such as sitting, crawling or, most disruptive, pulling to a stand in the crib. During any of these periods, your baby is very excited and single-mindedly intent on practicing his new ability. It’s very common for him to wake much more frequently and resist falling back to sleep. When a baby first sits or pulls to a stand, he often needs your help lying back down during each 5-minute check. Once you know that he can get back down by himself, you can let him be.

11. Parents give up too soon and break the consistent pattern. It’s often just at this moment you’re ready to cave and pick up your baby that he finally falls asleep on his own for the first time. This is such a critical turning point. If you give up, you’ve lost hard-earned ground and given your baby the message that if he protests long enough, you’ll pick him up. If you hang in there, new pathways for self-soothing will emerge in your little one’s brain—this is the route to his feeling happy and comfortable falling asleep on his own, now and in the long run.

Using the Sleep Wave While Continuing to Feed at Night (Also for Babies 4 to 5 Months Old)

You can work on self-soothing and falling asleep independently while continuing to feed your baby at night. This is the preferred method for many moms who wish to continue breast-feeding at night (regardless of baby’s age), and for babies who are ready for the Sleep Wave before the age of 5 months.

To do this, use the Sleep Wave at bedtime to help your baby fall asleep independently. Then, when your baby wakes up for a regular feeding, you can feed her and put her back in bed, awake. Your baby may protest that you’ve put her down awake, but you can again use your 5-minute checks to respond to her until she falls asleep independently again. If she begins to fall asleep during the feeding, don’t let her—pop her right back into her bed, even if the feeding was shorter than usual. (We don’t recommend waking your baby again if she’s already fallen asleep—just try to catch her before she drifts off.) When you use this method, your baby is getting all the consistent practice at self-soothing without you having to change your nighttime feeding patterns. If you do this consistently for a week or two, your baby may naturally begin to wake up less frequently, as she becomes an expert little self-soother.

This method also works very well for babies younger than 5 months. The reason that we usually recommend waiting to use the Sleep Wave until your baby is 5 months old is that this is an age at which most babies have the skills to soothe themselves to sleep, by rolling, moving, rubbing their eyes or face, rocking back and forth, and so forth. However, sometimes we meet babies who are ready for the Sleep Wave at an earlier age (4 to 5 months), when it’s too early to think about weaning from night feedings. This is usually because they are neurologically more mature—for example, they have good motor skills, are already un-swaddled, are showing signs of being able to self-soothe, their sleep has recently regressed, or it’s taking longer and longer for parents to put the baby to sleep.

Here’s the story of a quite young baby who was clearly ready to self-soothe to sleep. This baby naturally dropped her night feedings, but she needed the space to figure out how to fall asleep at the beginning of the night. She’s a great example of how different every baby can be.

THE SLEEP WAVE WITH A 3½-MONTH-OLD BABY

Sarah: When Clarissa was 3½ months, it was taking longer and longer to get her to fall asleep at bedtime. Nothing I tried seemed to soothe her and I literally spent 2 to 3 hours on the bouncy ball before she would finally give up the fight and drop off to sleep. The amazing part was that she would then proceed to sleep for 11 hours straight, every night! It only made sense to me that she was clearly ready to fall asleep on her own. Julie said Clarissa was a real outlier and we could give it a try because she was developmentally on track and growing well. Sure enough, she responded very quickly to the Sleep Wave and soon was easily falling asleep on her own. The best part was that she seemed so much happier at bedtime. Needless to say, so was I!

Waking Up Too Early

Waking up too early is one of the most common and most stubborn sleep issues. Babies and little kids are very prone to waking up early because they are easily cued by morning light and their internal clocks tell them to rise roughly with the sun. The end of your baby’s sleep (toward morning) contains more light sleep than the beginning of the night. In addition, your baby’s sleep drive (see Chapter 8) is not as strong as it was in the first half of the night. All of these factors mean that in the early morning, your baby is more likely to come into a light stage of sleep, become restless, and call for you instead of going back into a deep sleep. The problem is that even though babies and toddlers often wake up at 5:00 or 5:30 a.m., they typically aren’t ready to wake up at this hour, in that their bodies actually need another hour of sleep.

If you’re using the Sleep Wave to help your baby sleep a full 11 hours at night, the 5:00 a.m. hour may be your most difficult waking to work on. Your baby is so close to being ready to wake up for the day, and her body is beginning to send her chemical signals to this effect. You’ll need to be extra consistent, and often for a few weeks, before this pattern shifts. Here’s how you can work with this problem and stretch your baby’s wake-up time.

Don’t put your baby to bed later, hoping she’ll sleep later. Your baby will likely wake up at the same time, or even earlier if you do this—the difference is that she’ll have had even less sleep.
Surprisingly, putting your baby to bed 30 minutes earlier often helps her sleep later the next morning. This is because well-rested babies are less likely to wake up during the early morning hours.
If your baby wakes up before 6:00 a.m. and she is grumbling, fussing, or talking, you can let her be. You don’t have to go in.
If your baby starts to cry, wait 5 minutes and use your Sleep Wave checks until her scheduled wake-up time.
When the clock strikes 6:00 a.m., and if your baby is awake, go to her and let her know it’s morning, say hello, open the blinds, feed her, and signal to her that it’s time to start the day.

Why does this strategy work? Because when you pick your baby up, feed her, talk to her, and, most important, expose her to sunlight or the lights in your home, all these behaviors send signals to her circadian system. If you do this at 5:30 a.m. when your baby wakes, it regulates her internal clock to expect feeding and social interaction at that time. When you hold the boundary of 6:00 a.m. (or 11 hours after bedtime), her internal clock will begin to adjust accordingly. It’s okay if your baby doesn’t fall asleep again—keeping her in her sleeping space and holding off on feeding, social interaction, and light until the wake-up time will still work—it’s just going to take some time.

It can take two to three weeks or more for your baby to shift into waking up at the right time. This is a tiring and frustrating process for some parents, we know. If you are reliable with your baby’s wake-up time in the morning, it will change eventually, but you have to be incredibly consistent. If you go in at 5:40 a.m. one morning, you can expect your baby to wake up at that time the next day, or even earlier (what starts out as a little earlier than the right wake-up time very easily slides to being even earlier the next morning). Make sure your baby’s room is very dark and you’ve blocked early morning sunrays, keep to your Sleep Wave plan until 6:00 a.m., and your baby will adjust eventually. In the meantime, make sure you go to bed extra early during this time to get the best possible night’s sleep yourself.

Breast- or Bottle-Feeding, Weaning, and Sleep

When it comes to eating at night, babies vary widely, with some naturally dropping feedings as the first year progresses, while others continue to wake up for a feeding every 3 hours. Parents also vary a lot in whether and how they choose to wean at night. Some wish to stop night feeding, for example, if both parents are going back to work, while others decide to continue feeding and let the baby naturally wean over time.

There isn’t one right approach to feeding at night because every family’s needs are different. You certainly don’t have to wean your baby from night feedings. It’s very normal and natural for babies to feed during the night, and your baby does not have to follow a timeline. If you’re not ready to wean your baby in a structured way (using the steps we have outlined in this section), it can still help to give him some space to move toward sleeping longer stretches and dropping feedings on his own. The best way to do this is to put your baby down awake at the beginning of the night. The more practice your baby has with self-soothing, the more likely he is to naturally drop feedings during the night because he now has the ability to put himself back to sleep.

BENEFITS OF BREAST-FEEDING FOR BABY AND MOM

Breast milk contains antibodies that change with baby’s environment. Breast-fed babies have fewer colds and other infections, including respiratory and ear infections.
Breast-feeding is good for baby’s digestive system.
Breast-feeding lowers baby’s risk of diabetes. Evidence suggests that breast-fed babies are less likely to develop medical conditions later in life such as obesity, high cholesterol, and high blood pressure. Breast-feeding also lowers baby’s risk of developing certain cancers.
Exclusive breast-feeding lowers the risk of allergies and asthma.
Breast-feeding lowers the risk of SIDS.

Breast-feeding lowers stress through the release of oxytocin.
Breast-feeding reduces the risk of breast and ovarian cancer, and the longer Mom breast-feeds, the lower the risk.
Breast-feeding reduces the risk of osteoporosis.
Breast-feeding promotes weight loss.
Breast-feeding lowers the risk of developing metabolic syndrome: diabetes, high blood pressure, high cholesterol, and cardiovascular disease.

If you choose to wean night feedings, this is an option after your baby reaches 5 to 6 months of age. By this age, most babies no longer need to eat during their 11 to 12 hours of nighttime sleep. (This is just a guideline, as there are often babies who fall outside of these numbers on either side.)

So why do older babies still wake up and happily chug away in the middle of the night? This is a tricky principle about night feeding—over time, it can become more of a habit than a necessity. Just because your baby wants to eat doesn’t mean he needs to eat; we like to say that if you fed us a sandwich at midnight, for three nights in a row, we’d probably wake up at that time on the fourth night with a rumbling tummy, looking for our sandwich! Even if your baby does eat at night, after 5 to 6 months, he is likely capable of getting all the calories he needs in the daytime instead.

Weaning Baby from Night Feedings

If your baby has been eating regularly at a certain time of night, his body is programmed to anticipate the feeding and feel hungry at that time. Weaning very gradually ensures that your baby does not feel hungry; this gives your baby the best chance to work on his self-soothing skills without feeling disrupted or uncomfortable because of hunger. We don’t recommend going “cold turkey” on existing night feedings.

Contrary to much of what you might read, we have found, over many years of practice, that a very gradual weaning is the most effective, because your baby is less likely to notice and miss the slight decrease in milk each night. This is also the most sensitive approach, as we can be confident that your baby doesn’t feel hungry as he’s trying to fall back to sleep. Weaning incrementally is also the friendliest approach for your breasts (if you’re breast-feeding)—by avoiding the abrupt drop-off in demand that can cause milk supply to decline or clogged ducts to form.

Gradual Weaning Formula

These are guidelines for how to gradually wean your baby at night. You will use these guidelines while you implement one of the “weaning methods” below.

If you’re breast-feeding, decrease 30 seconds, every other night.

If you’re bottle-feeding, decrease ½ ounce, every other night.

It may seem painstakingly slow to wean this way, but once your baby becomes an expert in falling asleep on his own (as you use the Sleep Wave), he may naturally drop feedings on his own, which speeds up the weaning process. This often happens when babies are accustomed to feeding as a way to pacify to sleep (rather than strictly out of hunger). When their skills at self-soothing take off, they naturally sleep for longer periods and don’t wake up to eat.

WEANING A 5-MONTH-OLD FROM FREQUENT, PACIFYING FEEDINGS

Evelyn: I had always nursed our daughter, Mia, to sleep. For the first 4 months, this worked well for everyone, and Mia’s sleep stretched out longer and longer, until she was sleeping 8-to-10-hour spans at night. Then, it all fell apart at about 4 months, when she started waking more and more often during the night. Especially in the hours after midnight, she was waking every hour. I resorted to nursing her back to sleep each time, and most of the feeds were very short, under 1½ minutes. Needless to say, I was beyond exhausted and worried that Mia wasn’t getting good sleep. The Sleep Wave worked really well because Mia was fully capable of falling asleep on her own; she just needed her sleep association to change from nursing to self-soothing. I only had to gradually wean her from one long feed, as the others were super-short and I knew she wasn’t really hungry.

Weaning Guidelines

Weaning very gradually from nighttime feedings as you implement the Sleep Wave works very well. As you follow the weaning guidelines, you’ll put your baby back down awake after each feeding and use the Sleep Wave 5-minute checks if he cries.

Before you start, take some notes about your baby’s current feeding patterns at night (if you’re breast-feeding, you might use the timer on your phone during each feeding). He may be feeding anywhere from once to multiple times a night. Draw a timeline for the night and mark where the feedings generally are, including the amounts or durations (ounces of bottled milk or minutes of breast-feeding) at each feeding. You can use the Sleep Wave Planner in the Appendix to take notes.

Start with no more than 5 minutes or 5 ounces. In other words, if your baby nurses for 8 minutes during one feeding, you can start weaning by nursing him for 5 minutes on the first night. This is because babies 5 months and older usually get plenty of milk to assuage their hunger in 5 minutes or with 5 ounces (starting with less than 5 ounces is fine if that’s how much your baby is used to). If you’re nursing way more than 5 minutes, you can choose a faster wean and decrease 1 minute each night until you’re down to 5 minutes, after which you would move to the gradual wean. If breast-feeding, you can stop the weaning at about 1 to 1½ minutes, as at that amount, considering letdown time, hunger is no longer an issue. If bottle-feeding, you can stop at 1 ounce. As you’ll read in both weaning methods below, don’t feed your baby at all unless it’s been at least 3 hours since the last feeding (this comes in handy if your baby wakes at unpredictable times), and you will put your baby down awake after each feeding. The more you do this, the more your baby practices self-soothing, and his sleep will continue to improve.

It’s also fine to choose to wean from one feeding at a time. If you do, we recommend weaning the earliest feeding first. This may seem counterintuitive, as your instinct will be to keep the feeding in the middle of the night, but babies typically stretch out their sleep longer and longer from bedtime on, so it makes sense to follow this natural pattern as you wean. Some parents choose to keep one feeding in place for various reasons: concern about Mom’s milk supply, weight considerations, or a working mom’s desire to connect with baby at night. Use the gradual weaning formula for the feedings you do want to eliminate and keep the one full feeding in place. If you do keep one feeding in place, consider making this a “dream feed”, in which you feed your baby without him waking up—this allows you to stay consistent with how you respond to your baby every night. You can always use the same gradual approach to wean this final feeding when you and your baby are ready.

Weaning Examples

In both of these examples, it would take about 15 nights to wean completely (unless baby naturally stops waking up for one of these feedings). It sounds like a long time but, in the grand scheme, it’s quite quick, and remember, babies often drop a feeding on their own along the way. If your baby does drop a feeding for at least three nights in a row, you can consider that feeding weaned. If it’s only one or two nights, stick to the gradual wean.

BREAST-FEEDING WEANING EXAMPLE

Time of Night/Duration	Night 1	Night 3	Night 5	Night 7 . . .
12:00 a.m., 5 minutes	4½ minutes	4 minutes	3½ minutes	3 minutes
3:00 a.m., 7 minutes	5 minutes	4½ minutes	4 minutes	3½ minutes
4:00 a.m., 3 minutes	no feeding, 3 hours have not passed.

BOTTLE-FEEDING WEANING EXAMPLE

Time of Night/Amount	Night 1	Night 3	Night 5	Night 7 . . .
11:00 p.m., 1 oz.	no feeding, amount is only 1 oz.
1:00 a.m., 6 oz.	5 oz.	4½ oz.	4 oz.	3½ oz.
4:00 a.m., 3 oz.	2½ oz.	2 oz.	1½ oz.	1 oz.

Now we will walk you through two choices for how to wean. In the first, you follow your baby’s lead in terms of when to feed (although you will determine the amount), and in the second, you wean your baby on a schedule. Our favorite approach is the first, because it allows you to follow your baby’s natural progression. She may surprise you and start waking up less frequently—you’d never know this if you fed her before she actually calls out to you. At times, weaning will feel quite mechanical and slow, but the good news is that once you’re done, you’ve made a huge stride toward that full night’s sleep for your entire family.

Weaning Method 1—Following Your Baby’s Lead

The benefit of using this method is that if your baby naturally sleeps longer one night, you won’t have to wake up. You can follow the progression of her sleep this way.

Take notes on when and how long/how much your baby is feeding at night.
Note all feedings that are over 1 to 1½ minutes or 1 ounce and that have at least 3 hours of space in between them. Looking at the examples above, make your own timeline for weaning.
When your baby wakes and it has been at least 3 hours since she last fed, go in, pick her up, and feed her according to your weaning schedule.
When your baby has fed for the slightly decreased amount of time for that night, gently take her off the breast.
Put your baby right back down awake. Say your script and leave. If she cries, respond to her with the 5-minute checks of the Sleep Wave.
If your baby wakes up and it hasn’t been 3 hours, you can use your 5-minute Sleep Wave checks to respond to her until she falls asleep independently. If it’s close to 3 hours, say 2½ hours, it’s a good idea to go ahead and feed her. Remember, you’re weaning from these feedings anyway and it’s better to err on the side of not trying to get a hungry baby to fall back to sleep. As long as you stick with the weaning guidelines, these feedings will all soon be a thing of the past.

Weaning Method 2—Following a Schedule

With this method—which uses the dream feed concept—you will wake up before your baby’s feeding and feed her according to your weaning schedule. This method works best for babies whose feedings come at very predictable times. The benefit of this method is that it breaks the cycle of baby’s hunger signaling her to wake up, and you responding with a feeding.

Take notes on when and how long/how much your baby is feeding at night.
Note all feedings that are over 1 to 1½ minutes or 1 ounce and that have at least 3 hours of space in between them. Looking at the examples above, make your own timeline for weaning.
Once you have your feedings mapped out according to these guidelines, set an alarm for yourself that is 1 hour before your baby’s usual feeding time.
Gently pick up your baby and feed her according to the gradual weaning formula.
If your baby wakes before you’re scheduled to feed her and it hasn’t been at least 2½ hours, use your 5-minute checks from the Sleep Wave to respond to her. You can be confident that she is not hungry at this point. However, if she cries for 30 minutes, go ahead and feed her, as she may now be hungry.
If your baby wakes before you’re scheduled to feed her and it has been 3 hours, go ahead and feed her. It’s better to err on the side of feeding, to avoid trying to get a hungry baby to put herself back to sleep. The deck is stacked against her at that point and that’s the opposite of our approach. It’s not necessary to be rigid. Once your baby is falling asleep independently, the weaning becomes relatively easy.
Put your baby back in her crib awake and use your 5-minute checks if you need to.

Dream Feeding

If you wish to keep a feeding in place at night (for milk supply reasons, or if you think your baby isn’t ready to sleep a full 11 hours without eating), you can feed your baby before you go to bed, while weaning the rest of the feedings. To do this, simply go quietly into your baby’s room while he is sleeping, pick him up gently in the dark, feed him, and return him to the crib. This takes a few nights for some babies to get used to, but most will latch and drink while asleep. Some moms like this method as they’d rather feed than pump before they go to bed, and it’s a nice way for a working mom to spend a little extra precious cuddle time with her baby.

Regressions, Illness, Travel

What if your baby gets sick or you’re traveling and you feed him at night again after you’ve started to wean? Generally, if you’ve only fed your baby for one or two nights in a row at a certain time, you don’t need to re-wean—you can simply use the 5-minute checks once he’s healthy again or you’ve returned home. If you’ve fed him for three nights in a row or more, it’s now a good idea to return to your gradual weaning schedule, since your baby’s body has gotten used to the feeding.

Maintaining Your Milk Supply

If you decide to wean at night, it’s important to consider your milk supply. Dropping feedings for a long stretch at night can lead to a decrease in supply overall, so many breast-feeding moms pump right before they go to bed as they’re weaning gradually. That way, once the night feedings are weaned, most moms can still sleep for 7 to 8 hours without having to get up to feed or pump. If you know you’re a low-volume milk producer, you may want to pump twice, once at your bedtime and once in the middle of the night, to keep your supply up. It’s important to have plenty of support from a lactation consultant if this is the case for you.

THE MYTH OF THE FOOD-SLEEP CONNECTION

It’s a bigger challenge for parents to let go of this idea that filling the tank at bedtime and during the night will equal better sleep! It makes perfect sense that this is difficult, as parents are used to the world in which their little newborn absolutely needs to feed during the night. The problem is that long after this is no longer true, parents are feeding their babies at night and hoping it will translate to more sleep. But the correlation between calories taken in right before sleep and duration of sleep is not strong for older babies. (This is why research shows that introducing solids or giving baby rice cereal before bed does not improve sleep.) By the age of 5 months and older, the opposite is true: too much milk right before bed or during the night becomes activating to babies, waking up their digestive systems and creating lots of peeing and big wet diapers. Think of your baby as you would yourself from this age on. If you drank a ton of liquid at bedtime and throughout the night, your body would have a hard time sleeping as well!

Starting Solids and Sleep

There are quite a few approaches to introducing babies to solid foods—you’ll find the one that best suits your family. Research supports the long-term health benefits of favoring vegetables and non-sweet foods, while limiting fruit and avoiding juice altogether. Another effective strategy is to avoid praising or urging your child around food; once he picks up on how much you want him to eat something, he will be a lot more likely to refuse. All you have to do is offer him healthy food—how much he eats is up to him. The first several months of eating solids are a time for your baby to explore and get to know all the different tastes, smells, and textures of food. The quantity is not nearly as important as the richness and enjoyment of the experience. If you feel curious and relaxed around food, your baby will, too.

Here are some things to keep in mind about solids and sleep:

Introduce a brand-new food in the morning so that you have time to observe your baby for any type of reaction, and so that his body has time to digest the food before bedtime.
As you go from one meal a day to three, usually by around 8 months, at times you’ll feel that all you do is feed and nap your baby. Favor keeping his naptimes and bedtimes consistent and fit the meals in when he’s awake. Sometimes that will mean giving a little snack or a mini lunch between naps, in order to fit everything in.
Now it’s especially good to remember to move milk feedings earlier in your naptime and bedtime routines (or remove them completely when baby is ready) so as to disassociate feeding with falling asleep.

Naps

Naptime can and should be a beautiful, restful break for you and your baby. For your baby, it means letting her brain and body rejuvenate (she has an optimal span of awake time before her “sleep drive” builds to the point at which she needs sleep). Babies and toddlers still need a lot of sleep during the day, and if they move past their optimal window for falling asleep, they can become overtired, fussy, and unable to learn and interact well. If you’re home with your child, naptime also gives you a break to take a shower, eat, work, or even sleep yourself.

Here is a rough outline of how your child’s naps will develop:

5 months	three naps (if baby catnaps, she may even take four naps a day)
9 months	two naps
15 to 20 months	one nap
3½ to 5 years	Most children stop napping in this age range.

Nap Environment and Sleep Associations

Remember when your baby slumbered in the middle of a bustling coffee shop? After the first several months, babies usually don’t sleep deeply or for long periods when on the go. Your baby will probably get the healthiest sleep in her quiet, dark, comfortable room and familiar bed.

Just as with nighttime sleep, the best naps happen when your baby self-soothes and falls asleep independently in her own crib. If your baby is not yet self-soothing, she may take fewer or shorter naps because when she transitions between stages of sleep or enters a light sleep, she will stir, wake up fully, and be unable to return to a deeper sleep. A baby or toddler who is not self-soothing to sleep is also more likely to resist taking a nap altogether because she is reliant on you and may be very particular about her sleep associations: you may have to hold, rock, stroll, or carry her to sleep every time if this habit is entrenched. Sometimes this is okay in the beginning (you may enjoy lying down to nap with your baby, or plan to take a walk every day at naptime), but usually, over time, parents start to feel trapped by these habits, and baby’s naps become harder.

Evaluate your baby’s nap environment for any unhelpful sleep associations. The most common unhelpful ones at naptime are stroller or car rides, parent’s presence, feeding, or rocking to sleep. For the best sleep, your baby should go into her crib or regular sleeping place calm but awake, so that she can grab her blankie, roll around, talk to herself, get comfy, and doze off.

NAP CHECKLIST

Review the Healthy Sleep Habits as many of these apply to daytime sleep as well. For example:

Nap routine. Use a routine with naps just as you do with nighttime. Your nap routine can be a shortened version of your nighttime routine. For example, turn down the lights and close the shades, nurse or feed your baby, read a short book, switch on her white noise, walk around the room saying “good night” to her toys, sing a song, put her in her crib, say “It’s time for sleeping, Mommy’s right outside. I love you,” and walk out.
Transitional object. Since your baby is now in charge of her own soothing to sleep, a lovey will help her find comfort and it can be a powerful tool for sleep both at night and for naps.
Slow down. Your mood has a major influence on your baby’s ability to wind down for sleep. If you’re anxious and impatient to get her down, this will be activating to her little brain. Switch yourself into rest mode. Lower your voice and move slowly and carefully in her room while you do her routine. It’s amazing how small, peaceful gestures signal to your baby that sleep is near and elicit a calming response.

Using the Sleep Wave at Naptime

You can use the Sleep Wave method for naps. Here are a few additional notes:

The fastest way for your baby to practice falling asleep on her own is to use the Sleep Wave for both bedtime and naps, so that she detects a consistent pattern of how she is put down for sleep.
After you put your baby down for a nap, if you’ve been doing consistent 5-minute checks and she continues to cry for 30 to 45 minutes with no sign of progress, go in and simply say, “Okay, naptime is over” and pick her up. Try again in another 45 minutes or so.
If your baby sleeps for a short time (20 to 45 minutes) and starts to cry when she wakes, only wait about a minute and go pick her up. It rarely works for a baby to put herself back to sleep after a short nap, because the pressure of her sleep drive has been relieved just enough so she’s not sufficiently drowsy anymore.
If baby is awake but content after a “too short” nap, let her hang out on her own until she signals to you that she’s no longer happy. This helps build the window into which her naps can grow. Even when the nap has been fabulously long, if your baby wakes happy and babbling, resist the urge to swoop in right away. Remember, cultivating a sense of comfort in alone time is key to your baby’s internal attunement. Coming to get her when her babbles clearly change to calls for you is a great opportunity for an attuned, rather than automatic, response.
As you’re implementing the Sleep Wave for naps, you may have days when you feel like your baby has barely napped at all. If baby is overtired and irritable and you’re desperate to get her to nap, put her in the carrier, stroller, or car for a nap. If you rock or feed her to sleep in her bedroom as you used to do, you are reinforcing a strong sleep association, which can be confusing and might prolong the process for your baby.

If you’re using the Sleep Wave, working on naps almost always takes longer—many babies fall asleep easily at bedtime after just days of using the Sleep Wave but continue to have trouble falling asleep at naptime or taking short naps for several weeks. It’s okay—her nighttime sleep is the most important. Your baby will eventually nap well. Just when you’re ready to give up, you will likely start to see improvement.

Scheduling Naps

For younger babies (ages 5 to 6 months) who are just getting into the rhythm of regular naps, we recommend using the span of awake time (this is the length of time babies of this age can be awake before the pressure to sleep builds sufficiently for a nap) to gauge when naps should occur during the day, just as you did with your younger baby, putting her down after about every 90 minutes of awake time. Then, when your baby is 6 to 7 months old and over, you can establish a set nap schedule based on the time of day. Age is just a guide. When your baby starts to fall asleep independently and sleeps for at least an hour at a time, it’s a good sign that she’s ready to move to a time-of-day schedule.

Here is how the typical span of awake time, in between sleeps, develops for babies and toddlers. Usually the first span of the day (after your baby wakes up) is the shortest, with the longest span coming at the end of the day, before bedtime.

OPTIMAL SPAN OF AWAKE TIME

5 to 6 months	1½ to 2½ hours (sometimes with one 3-hour span in the last half of the day)
9 months	3 to 3½ hours
15 to 20 months	4 to 5 hours (depending on the length of nap)

5-to-6-Month-Old Babies—Using the Span of Awake Time

At this age, you can use the span of awake time to know when your baby should nap. To do this, note when your baby wakes up (for the day, as well as after each nap), and use this to figure out when she’s ready to sleep next. The first awake span of the day is often the shortest one (usually no more than 90 minutes). For this first span of awake time, start your naptime routine after your baby has been awake for about 75 minutes so you can lower her into her bed at the 90-minute point. As she gets older, you may notice that your baby might be able to stay awake for longer and longer periods—sometimes even a 2½- to 3-hour awake span in the middle or end of the day. This is a normal progression but also differs somewhat from baby to baby.

For example, your baby might wake up at 6:00 a.m. and be ready to nap again at 7:30 a.m., sleep for 2 hours, and be ready to nap again 2½ hours after that, and so on, possibly being awake for 2½ to 3 hours before bed. Continue to nap your baby throughout the day, having the last nap end no later than about 4:00 or 5:00 p.m., for a 7:00 p.m. bedtime.

6 to 7 Months to Toddlerhood—Using the Time of Day

As your baby grows, she is able to be awake for longer periods, and her daytime sleep consolidates from three or four naps, to two and eventually one. Look at the sample sleep schedules to see where your baby falls in this progression. Your particular baby’s schedule will depend on what time she wakes up in the morning and the length of her naps. Often, at this age, you can observe your baby moving naturally into a regular, “time of day” nap schedule.

When you first establish a nap schedule, your baby may, at times, be awake for longer than her optimal awake time until she grows accustomed to the schedule. For example, if you put your 6-to-7- month-old down at 8:00 a.m. and she only sleeps for 30 minutes, she may have to stay awake for 3 hours to make it to her next scheduled nap. That’s okay—your baby’s internal clock will adjust and she will most likely start sleeping longer if you keep her naptimes consistent. It’s also okay to flex the times a bit during this adjustment period. One nap may always be shorter than the other (for example, for a 9-month-old, a 2-hour morning nap followed by a 45-minute afternoon nap). As your baby reaches 7 to 9 months, she will likely need to have her last nap end no later than 3:30 or 4:00 p.m. for a 7:00 p.m. bedtime.

Arranging your life around a child’s nap schedule can be an adjustment. We know how this goes: Your baby wakes up and, if you have a diaper bag packed and ready to go, you have a 2-to-3-hour window before needing to be back for another nap! We understand this can feel limiting, but having a well-rested child is worth it. As your baby grows and as naps go from three to eventually one, the stretches of time in between will lengthen and you’ll have more freedom. It may also work for your baby to have one nap per day on the go: on a stroller ride, in the car, or on a walk in a sling or carrier in the afternoon, for example.

Nap Schedule Examples

0 TO 5––6 MONTHS OLD (USE SPAN OF AWAKE TIME)

6 TO 9 MONTHS OLD (THREE NAPS)

	Example 1	Example 2
Bedtime	7:00 p.m.	7:30 p.m.
Wake time	6:00 a.m.	6:30 a.m.
First Nap	7:30 a.m.	8:30 a.m.
Second Nap	12:00 p.m.	12:30 p.m.
Third Nap	3:00 p.m.	3:30 p.m.

9 TO 15––20 MONTHS OLD (TWO NAPS)

	Example 1	Example 2
Bedtime	7:00 p.m.	7:30 p.m.
Wake time	6:00 a.m.	6:30 a.m.
First Nap	9:00 a.m.	9:30 a.m.
Second Nap	2:00 p.m.	2:30 p.m.

15––20 MONTHS TO 2––3 YEARS (ONE NAP)

	Example 1	Example 2
Bedtime	7:00 p.m.	7:30 p.m.
Wake time	6:00 a.m.	6:30 a.m.
Nap	11:30 a.m.	12:30 p.m.

3 TO 5 YEARS (ONE NAP)

	Example 1	Example 2
Bedtime	7:00 p.m.	7:30 p.m.
Wake time	6:00 a.m.	7:00 a.m.
Nap	12:30 p.m.	1:00 p.m.

Transitioning Nap Schedules (Three->Two->One Nap)

When your baby is in the midst of transitioning from three to two to one nap, there will typically be a period of time when she may not need the last nap every day, but she’ll also be extra tired and not quite rested without it. In other words, she’s in between and won’t consistently take the last nap, but she is fussy and tired because fewer naps are not quite enough. Don’t underestimate how tough this transition period can be for kids (and parents)—it’s normal for your child to be extra clingy, easily frustrated, or groggy during this time while her body is adjusting to a new schedule. You might want to put your baby down earlier, at 6:45 p.m., for a week or two while she makes the adjustment.

How to know when your baby is ready to go from three to two naps:

Baby is about 9 months old.
Naps have gotten “chunkier,” at least an hour or more.
Baby is no longer falling asleep for the third nap for one to two weeks straight.
The third nap of the day begins to interfere with bedtime.
The first nap of the day begins to drift later.
Note: When they switch to two naps, most babies sleep at roughly 9:00 a.m. and 2:00 p.m.

How to know when baby is ready to go from two to one nap:

Baby is 15 to 20 months old.
The first nap of the day is drifting later or skipped.
The first nap is long but the second nap is skipped, or your baby resists falling asleep for her second nap for one to two weeks straight.

When your baby is ready to switch to one nap, one way to think about this is that naptime has “consolidated” and that her one nap will most likely be longer than each of her two naps were, but not as long as both combined. This is a gradual process that can take weeks. During this transition time, your baby may take two naps on some days and one nap on other days while her body adjusts. When she does take one nap, you can move your baby’s bedtime 30 minutes earlier or more if she seems very tired.

When first switching to one nap, most babies begin their nap at around 11:30 a.m. or 12:00 p.m. This tends to move later, to 12:30 p.m. or 1:00 p.m., as they grow.

When you move to one nap, make sure that your toddler gets some fresh air and activity in the morning. Give her a snack or mini lunch, and take time for a 15- to 20-minute wind-down routine. Keep things as routine and predictable as possible as your child adjusts. She may seem a little fussy or tired that last hour or so before her nap and also before bedtime. After a few weeks, her body will adapt to her new schedule.

Wait, Don’t Drop That Nap Too Early!

One of the most common mistakes parents make is rushing into fewer naps. Often your baby will appear to be dropping a nap at an earlier age than mentioned above. We call this a temporary “nap strike,” and it’s usually due to excitement over a developmental advance or circumstance in the house (such as a visitor). Many parents have thanked us for advising them to hold off on dropping a nap too early. Even if your baby doesn’t fall asleep for her second nap, it’s okay; consider this a rest time (rest time is really important for your baby’s growing body), and keep it in place until she’s clearly showing signs that she’s ready for one nap only. Sometimes she might nap a little later in the morning and then rest or take a shorter nap in the afternoon. Or she may do the reverse. Pay attention to not letting her second nap go beyond about 3:30 p.m. for a 7:00 p.m. bedtime. This is one of the few times that we would recommend gently waking your child. If this becomes a pattern, adjust her nap earlier so you don’t have to wake her.

KEEPING THE SECOND NAP

Emily: At 11 months, Devin almost had me convinced he was ready to go from two naps to one because, for over a week, he pretty much didn’t take his second nap. He had just started cruising and was excited to practice in his crib instead of napping. I was really happy to get the advice to hang in there and continue putting him down at his usual time, because on day 8 or 9, like nothing had changed, his nap came back! He so clearly still needs it and was just taking a little nap holiday.

This also applies to dropping naps completely, which most children are not ready to do until they are at least 3 years old. If your toddler spends naptime sitting in his crib, rolling around, and talking to himself, don’t panic and don’t assume he’s ready to stop napping altogether. Keep your toddler’s nap schedule and routine in place and he will eventually fall back into the rhythm of sleeping. Even if your toddler doesn’t nap for a week straight, keep putting him down at the same time (use the Sleep Wave if necessary), and move his bedtime slightly earlier temporarily, until he starts napping again.

TROUBLESHOOTING

I’m trying the Sleep Wave but my baby is still crying. What should I do?

Review the top 11 reasons the Sleep Wave isn’t working. The most common reasons are:

1. Parent doing the checks is doing more soothing than just coming in for the 5-minute checks.

2. Parent is not exuding confidence and calm (rather anxiety, uncertainty, or frustration).

We almost always identify one of these two top culprits as the issue, and once they’re tweaked, the Sleep Wave progresses.

My baby gets more upset when I go in after 5 minutes. Can I stop going in?

We know it’s hard but don’t stop going in every 5 minutes if your baby is crying. When your baby cries, she is protesting the change and has not yet come to trust the new pattern. Stick with her reliably through this phase of “riding the hump.” This consistency can be hard for you to keep up, but it’s exactly what makes the process of turning the soothing part over to baby easier on her.

By doing your checks every 5 minutes, your baby will never wonder or worry about where you are or why you’re not responding to her. The rhythmic, repetitive, wavelike quality of your visits will create trust and reassurance, which will make it possible for her to relax and do what she is capable of doing: self-soothe to sleep.

So I can never go and soothe my baby at night?

Absolutely you can! The consistency we stress in the Sleep Wave is for establishing a new pattern. As a general rule, if your child has been sleeping well through the night and all of a sudden wakes up at an unusual time, listen first. Determine whether she’s simply whining and trying to get comfortable again, or if it seems she’s truly calling for you and sounds upset. If it’s the latter, go to her. Use the Soothing Ladder (Chapter 3) to soothe her. In other words, don’t immediately pick her up, change her diaper, and so forth, but also don’t feel as though you have to use your 5-minute checks.

We recommend that you respond this way when a night waking is out of the ordinary—it’s not a pattern—because we don’t want you to feel rigid or nervous about your baby waking up. Once you have established good sleep habits and your child is sleeping through the night, there will inevitably be nights where you randomly hear from her. Don’t be afraid of these hiccups! Again, if it’s very unordinary for your baby to wake up, listen and work your way up the Soothing Ladder.

The next night, if she wakes again at the same time, you can be confident that it is a pattern and she is waking and looking for you out of habit. At this point, go to using your Sleep Wave 5-minute checks consistently.

I picked my baby up during the Sleep Wave. Did I ruin our progress?

It’s so hard to hear your baby cry. We truly understand where you’re coming from if you broke the pattern of the Sleep Wave and picked your baby up. You’ll probably notice that your baby cries for a longer period the next time you put her down. Remember that she is a scientist, and she needs reliable data, so now she’ll need to conduct another experiment! Of course, as always, if you think your baby has a fever, has had a nightmare, or something along those lines, we’d recommend going to her.

Can I use the Sleep Wave if baby is in my room?

Yes, you can, it’s just more difficult to implement if baby is in your room, as he is activated by your presence. See Chapter 6, “Special Circumstances.”

The Sleep Wave has worked beautifully but my baby still cries for 5 to 10 minutes almost every time he goes to bed. What should I do?

Crying has a function in addition to communicating discomfort or unease, which is that of stress release. Some babies just need to cry for a short time as a way of letting go of accumulated stress. It might be a good idea to try moving naptime or bedtime a little earlier in case overtiredness is contributing. You can also check to make sure baby’s bedroom is set up for peaceful sleep: cool, very dark, and no abrupt or loud noises. If all of this, plus the other foundational pieces in the Healthy Sleep Habits section, are in place, your baby may just need to let off a little steam before going to sleep. Be sure to still do your 5-minute checks so that your baby knows you’re close by.

What about pacifiers at night?

If your baby can reinsert her pacifier on her own during the night, it shouldn’t disrupt her sleep. You might increase her odds of finding her own pacifier at night by placing multiples in the crib. However, if your child cannot reinsert her own pacifier, it’s a good idea to remove it before starting the Sleep Wave.

What do I do if I think my baby pooped and we’re using the Sleep Wave?

If you suspect your baby has pooped and is crying, you can go in by dim light and change her (if you can change her in her crib, that’s great, but if you need to get her up, that’s okay, too) and then put her back in the crib. She will likely be upset that you are breaking the pattern, but once you know she is dry and clean, you can resume your 5-minute checks.

My baby was falling asleep faster and faster using the Sleep Wave for the first three nights and then on the fourth night she was right back at the start, waking frequently and taking a long time to go back to sleep. Help!

This truly can be disheartening, but you’ll be happy to know that it’s perfectly normal and will pass. It’s a phenomenon called an “extinction burst,” when old behaviors (those we’re trying to make extinct) come back for one last curtain call. Don’t be thrown by this; what your baby needs is for you to stay centered and super-consistent, and you should see your baby go back to the progress she was making initially.

My baby’s sleep has regressed. What should I do?

One of the most common issues with using the Sleep Wave is that parents think it’s a onetime fix. We can’t tell you how many sleep consults we’ve done where the parents say some version of, “I hired someone else to help with this a few months ago and it worked great, but now he’s waking again.”

Babies and children (in fact, all people) will always have times when they sleep less well. Sometimes we’ll know why (they’re sick, going through a developmental surge, having a nightmare, obviously teething, or have been traveling) and sometimes we just won’t know why. Babies keep changing, and we can’t expect them to be robotic in their sleep patterns.

We find many times that parents interpret sleep regressions as being caused by “growth spurts,” so they respond by adding feedings in the middle of the night. Adding feedings back in is almost never necessary. Remember, after about 5 months, most babies can get all of their nutritional needs met during the day. It’s natural to think the wakings are hunger related, but they are much more likely to be due to developmental surges, which excite and activate a baby.

Keep the Sleep Wave “in your pocket” at all times, so that you can pull it out and use it every time you need it, again with great commitment and consistency. The good news is that the second, third, and fourth time, your child will recognize it much more quickly and soon relax, knowing that you are nearby and that the soothing part is up to her.

We’re all sleeping better, but we’re not feeling better.

Once sleep begins to improve for the entire family, it’s very normal to feel a little worse before you feel better. You may even feel groggy and out of sorts for a while. Healing from sleep deprivation is a process. Imagine that it’s like peeling layers off of an onion, which exposes deeper layers of your fatigue. This sounds ominous, but time will resolve this feeling and you will eventually be truly rested. See tips for healthy adult sleep in Chapter 7.

My baby is rolling, sitting, or standing in the crib. What do I do?

When your baby gets a new motor milestone under her belt, it’s generally good news for sleep because she’s able to find a comfortable sleep position and self-soothe.

Still, each new physical talent can temporarily throw sleep off course. Now your baby is excited to practice her skills at all times of the day and night, but she also may be getting into positions that she doesn’t know how to (or doesn’t want to) get out of.

If your baby is sitting, crawling, or standing, gently guide her back down into her favorite sleep position during each of your 5-minute checks. The idea is to guide or “mold” her body to show your baby how to eventually do it herself. Even if she immediately pops back up to a sit or stand, only “mold” once per visit. If she is sitting or in a crawling position, you can swiftly and smoothly guide her into her favorite lying-down position, usually on her side or tummy.

If she has figured out how to pull to a stand at the crib rail but can’t get back down again, gently lift her hands from the rail, bend her knees, and guide her into her favorite lying-down position. The idea is to show her how to do it herself (the opposite of her being picked up and “magically” plopped into a lying-down position). Whether it’s sitting, on hands and knees, or standing, once you know that your baby can lie back down by herself and begins to do so, you no longer need to guide her down.

What do I do if my baby climbs out of the crib?

If your baby is starting to climb out of the crib but is under 2 years old, make sure the mattress is at the lowest level and try putting cushions (couch cushions work well) around her crib at night, just in case. Some little mini gymnasts can launch themselves from the crib at an early age and take us by surprise. Other toddlers stay happily in their cribs until age 3 or even older. If, no matter what you do, your baby is still able to climb out of the crib, for safety reasons, you will have to move her to a toddler bed (see Chapter 5).

Julie: We don’t normally like sleep sacks much as they restrict baby’s freedom to move around the crib. However, we met parents who put their 2-year-old in a sleep sack as it prevented her from getting a leg up high enough to climb out of the crib. Pretty brilliant!

Does my baby have separation anxiety?

You may worry that your baby doesn’t like falling asleep on her own because she’s separated from you, and it’s true that babies and toddlers go through periods of separation anxiety—this is developmental and also depends on your child’s temperament. Know that it’s okay for your baby to protest separating. Over time, with your consistent patterns, she internalizes the idea that her most important people are right nearby, that she’s okay in her comfortable crib, and that you always greet her in the morning.

My baby is throwing loveys and stuffed animals out of the crib. What should I do?

That trusted, soothing lovey—at some point your baby might figure out that if she launches it out of the crib, you’ll come back in to retrieve it. You give it back to her, turn to leave, and she’s already flung it back overboard.

First, try going in a handful of times and simply give the lovey back. The first time you do, say, “It’s time for sleeping,” and walk out. The subsequent times, don’t say anything. Be as boring and quick as possible so that the visit won’t feel fun for your baby. If you’re doing the Sleep Wave, retrieve the blanket only once during each 5-minute check. Do this in a very quick and unobtrusive manner, so that baby doesn’t really notice that it’s back near her hands.