5.

Child Sleep (2 to 6 Years)

HEALTHY SLEEP HABITS

Your Child’s Sleep

Bedtime and Sleep Associations

Your Child’s Bedroom

Regular Bedtime

Bedtime Routines

Your Child’s Relationship to Sleep

Balanced Days, Peaceful Nights

SLEEP SOLUTIONS

Bedtime Resistance: Helping Your Child Get into Bed

Falling Asleep Independently: The Reverse Sleep Wave, the Sleep Wave, and the Gradual Parent Wean

Sleeping Through the Night

Waking Up Too Early

Naps

Moving from Crib to Big Bed

Nightmares and Night Terrors

Bumps in the Road for Toddlers

TROUBLESHOOTING

Potty training, sleep regression, parents’ bed, napping in the stroller, pacifiers

HEALTHY SLEEP HABITS

Your Child’s Sleep

Toddlers and preschoolers are amazing little beings. They have advancing language, impressive cognitive powers, and budding personalities. They explore and test the world with growing independence.

It’s easy to see how these very same skills can lead to new, and sometimes tricky, challenges when it comes to sleep. Little kids are master negotiators—quick to try out crafty schemes for delaying bedtime and resisting naps—and their awareness and imagination can lead to separation anxiety, fears of the dark, and nightmares.

Even if your child used to be an easy sleeper, he may now be refusing naps, digging in his heels at bedtime, calling for you, or even padding down the hallway to greet you in the middle of the night. In this chapter we’ll help you address all of these very common sleep issues.

TYPICAL SLEEP CHALLENGES FOR TODDLERS AND YOUNG CHILDREN ARE:

• Bedtime resistance
• Requiring a parent’s presence to fall asleep at night or fall back to sleep in the middle of the night
• Getting out of bed after bedtime
• Waking up too early
• Resisting naps or requiring a special setting such as a stroller ride for naps
• Giving up naps too early
• Nightmares and night terrors

Your 2- to 3-year-old needs 12 to 14 hours of sleep in total and most likely still takes one nap.

Three- to 5-year-olds need 11 to 13 total hours of sleep. Some continue one nap until about 4 years old.

Five- to 10-year-olds need 10 to 11 hours total.

Remember how much sleep your young child needs—it’s still a lot!

This total sleep time includes naps, which most children need until they’re roughly 3 to 5 years old. Little children are often early risers, so it’s very helpful to keep your child’s bedtime early. Especially if your child needs to start the morning early for day care, preschool, or elementary school, getting to bed around 7:30 p.m. is the way to carve out enough time for a full night’s sleep. If your child resists bedtime and getting to bed early is difficult, we’ll help you address this issue later in the chapter.

Bedtime and Sleep Associations

If you’ve read Chapters 3 and 4, you’re familiar with the idea of sleep associations (the behaviors, soothing methods, or elements of the environment that your child associates with sleep) and the importance of how your child falls asleep. We will review this information here because it looks a little different for older children.

The way your child falls asleep determines a lot about how he sleeps through the night. This is because all children wake up during the night as they pass through stages of sleep. Many times during the night, your child (just like you) transitions between sleep stages and shifts into a light sleep. He stirs and wakes partially. When this happens, he either rolls over, pulls up his covers, tucks a stuffed animal under his arm, and drifts back to sleep, or he calls out to you to help him.

• If your little one falls asleep on his own at bedtime and goes back to sleep on his own during the night without help, he has practiced his own special ability to self-soothe and feels confident to do this at bedtime as well as when he wakes partially at night.
• If your child relies on your presence to fall asleep at bedtime or calls out to you for help falling back to sleep during the night, he isn’t a “bad sleeper”; he just hasn’t yet practiced and become comfortable with his own self-soothing to sleep.

There are lots of reasons that children have trouble sleeping through the night without help, but one of the main reasons is that they wake up in the night with different sleep associations (even slightly different ones) than they had when they went to bed.

Here’s an example of a 3-year-old who wakes up one to two times a night.

AT BEDTIME:

• Mom or Dad lies down in his bed until he’s asleep or almost fully asleep.
• The light in the hallway is on.
• Sips of water are given to him by request.
• The blankets are tucked in by Mom or Dad repeatedly before he falls asleep.

BUT IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT:

• He wakes up alone in bed.
• The lights are off.
• He has no accessible water.
• He can’t retuck his own blankets.

A National Sleep Foundation poll found that infants and toddlers who are put to bed asleep were nearly three times as likely to wake up and need help at least twice per night than those who went into bed awake.

One of the first steps when you’re working on sleep is to look at the exact environment in which your child goes to bed. If there are any behaviors or elements of his bedroom that he cannot re-create for himself in the middle of the night, you will need to address each of these. This might mean changing the behaviors you do at bedtime, or arranging and practicing things so your child knows just what to do in the middle of the night. For example, make sure that there is an accessible sippy cup in case he needs water, and do “rehearsals” during the day in which you help your child practice pulling up and retucking his own blankets. The goal is not to do anything to help your child fall asleep at bedtime that he can’t do on his own in the middle of the night. If your child is used to you lying down until he falls asleep, or has any other strong sleep associations that you need to change at bedtime, this usually requires a consistent, structured plan—we’ll help you accomplish this later in the chapter with the Sleep Wave or the Reverse Sleep Wave.

Here are the most common unhelpful sleep associations for toddlers and preschoolers, and examples of how you might change them.

Unhelpful Sleep Association	Helpful Sleep Association
*Mom or Dad’s presence	Song, kiss good night, leave room
Calling parent for water	Placing a sippy cup near bed
Calling parent to tuck in blankets	Being able to manage blankets on own (rehearse this during the day)
Hallway lights on at bedtime	Dim nightlight on all night
*Sleeping in parents’ bed (when independent sleep is desired)	Feeling comfortable in his own bed to fall asleep and sleep continuously through the night
Strollers, rocking, or other motion delivered by parent	Rolling and moving body around in bed to get comfortable
Falling asleep in another room, for example, in the living room	The feeling, sounds, and sights of your child’s own crib or bed

*These are common unhelpful sleep associations that are very strong and require parents to be especially consistent to change. They are fully changeable, though, so don’t worry if you’re in this pattern and want to switch to your child sleeping independently.

What if your child goes to bed independently, but then after a nightmare, Mom lies down in bed until he falls back to sleep? This counts as an unhelpful sleep association, too, because if the child drifts off with Mom stroking his head, the next time he comes back to a light sleep, where’s Mom?! (You’ll always soothe and help your child if he has a nightmare, but we will help you do this without creating an unhelpful sleep association.)

Your Child’s Bedroom

The sights, sounds, and feel of your child’s bedroom can have a big impact on his sleep. In the last chapter, we went through all the basic elements of a child’s bedroom for any age, so if you haven’t done so already, read the previous chapter for creating the right bedroom environment (light, sound, feel, temperature, design). In addition to these important bedroom elements, here are a few that you’ll want to consider with a toddler or young child:

• A wind-down space. Have a dim lamp by the bed that you can use for reading and a few comfortable pillows so you can sit on or beside your child’s bed. It’s really helpful to dim the lights an hour or so before to help your child’s body wind down for sleep. Turn off bright overhead lights in the house before you start your bedtime routine (see Lights, Electronics, and Bedtime).
• Nightlight. Many young children like having a nightlight for falling asleep and waking up at night, especially if they need to pee. Use a very soft nightlight. Even the dimmest light can seem like too much after your child’s eyes adjust to the dark.
• Design. Does your child’s room evoke a sense of calm? Think about using colors and patterns that are soothing. Organize your child’s room so he feels peaceful during naps and at bedtime. Ask your little one if it feels cozy to him.
• Have your child make his bed. When he’s old enough to pull up the covers (even if you secretly redo it later), it’s a nice ritual to help him be involved and take care of his sleeping place.
• No television. Children who have a television in their bedroom tend to sleep less at night and are also less likely to take a nap than those with no television in their room.

Regular Bedtime

An optimal bedtime for children ages 2 to 6 is between 7:00 and 8:00 p.m. Where your child falls in this range will depend on age, morning wake-up time, and naps. For example, a 3-year-old who is napping from 1:00 to 3:00 p.m. may do well with an 8:00 p.m. bedtime. A 4-year-old who has stopped napping and wakes at 6:30 a.m. will do well with a 7:00 p.m. bedtime. Remember that your child should go to bed when he’s in a good mood, not when he’s yawning and bleary-eyed.

If your child is a night owl and falls asleep at 9:00 p.m., he’s probably not getting the best quality and length of sleep that he needs (unless he’s sleeping until 8:00 a.m. every morning, which is hard to do with most families’ schedules). To shift his bedtime earlier, you can gradually move bedtime. To do this, put your child to bed 15 minutes earlier every two to three nights, until you’ve achieved the right time. While you’re in the process of shifting to an earlier bedtime, gently wake your child up in the morning if he is sleeping too long, because if your child sleeps in until 9:00 a.m., he legitimately won’t feel drowsy enough to fall asleep until 9:00 p.m. (remember that your child’s wake-up time is like pressing “go” on his internal clock). Of course, it’s okay for your child to sleep in to catch up on sleep sometimes, but especially when you’re trying to shift a sleep pattern, it’s best to keep your schedule as regular as possible, on both weekdays and weekends. This gives consistent cues to his internal clock.

In fact, a regular bedtime is as important as an early one. When your child’s bedtime moves around, he’s not getting the maximum benefit of regulated circadian rhythms. Ideally, your child should go to bed at the same time every night, on weeknights and weekends (within reason, of course). Morning wake-up time and naps will adjust this slightly, but it shouldn’t be by more than 30 minutes on a regular basis.

A large study of more than 11,000 little kids (ages 3 to 7) showed that having a regular bedtime, independent of the time of that bedtime, was linked with better reading, math, and spatial capabilities. Children with irregular bedtimes also had more behavioral issues, such as moodiness and hyperactivity, and kids with late and irregular bedtimes were the most affected. Moving bedtime around is like giving your child a mini case of jet lag on a regular basis, whereas a regular bedtime keeps her internal clock in sync—this affects many aspects of her thinking, mood, and behavior.

You most likely already have a bedtime routine for your child. Even so, read this section to make sure it’s the most sleep-conducive routine possible.

Bedtime Routines

Routines make kids (and grown-ups, too, for that matter) happy. Clear, consistent rituals and patterns allow kids to know what’s coming, and the order and structure make them feel secure. When children don’t have regular routines, there can be endless confusion and protesting, but when the whole house knows what to expect, the evening tends to flow more smoothly.

Sample Bedtime Routines

Here are some examples of bedtime routines. Create your own in a way that works for the family. Remember that it doesn’t matter exactly what you do. What matters is that it’s clear, consistent, and calm.

2-Year-Old	3-Year-Old	5-Year-Old
This routine starts at 6:15 p.m. and bedtime is 7:15 p.m.	This routine starts at 6:30 p.m. and bedtime is 7:30 p.m.	This routine starts at 6:30 p.m. and bedtime is 7:30 p.m.
Dim lights in home	Dim lights in home	Dim lights in home
Bath	Bath	Bath
Pajamas	Pajamas	Pajamas
2-Year-Old	3-Year-Old	5-Year-Old
Brush teeth	Child-led play	Brush teeth
Read two stories	Brush teeth	Read two chapters of a book
Turn off the lights	Read two stories	Go to potty
Say good night to objects in the room	Share a story of your day with each other	Turn off the lights
Sing one song	Go to potty	Talk about your “highs” and “lows” for the day
Kiss good night, put in crib, tell your child you’ll check on him in 5 minutes (see Reverse Sleep Wave), walk out of the room	Turn off the lights	Kiss good night, say you’ll check on him in 5 minutes (see Reverse Sleep Wave), walk out of the room
	Sing two songs
	Kiss good night, say you’ll check on him in 5 minutes (see Reverse Sleep Wave), walk out of the room

Consistent and Calm

You can craft your child’s routine however you wish. All that matters is that the steps are consistent every night and that the behaviors and tone are progressively more calming toward the end. Do the last few steps of your routine in your child’s room.

Try not to make television part of the bedtime routine—screen time before bed is linked to later bedtimes. Your child should definitely not engage with close-range electronics, such as computers or handheld screens for at least an hour before bed. The artificial light from these gadgets can have an alerting effect on the brain and make it harder for your child to fall asleep.

LIGHTS, ELECTRONICS, AND BEDTIME

Light is a powerful signal to the body’s circadian system. Lights in your home—including overhead lights and those from electronics—are known to suppress the secretion of melatonin, a chemical that naturally rises as we become drowsy before bed. This is especially true of blue light, which comes from many computer screens, tablets, and other close-range devices. Bright home lights and the use of electronics in the hours before bed can delay your child’s ability to fall asleep.

Allow Enough Time for Winding Down

Your child’s routine may take up to an hour to complete, if you think of it as starting with a bath after dinner and ending with you giving him a kiss and walking out of the room. Don’t underestimate the amount of time it can take to move through all of the aspects of your child’s routine (especially if you have multiple children). Not allowing enough time can make you feel rushed and stressed, which makes it harder for your child to wind down and fall asleep.

If your child’s bedtime is 7:30 p.m., then by 6:30 p.m. the house should shift into wind-down mode (you can even call it this, or come up with another phrase to help the family understand that it’s time to shift their energy). It doesn’t mean that your child is getting into bed now; it just means the house has shifted into a calm, gradual march toward bedtime. This can be a pleasant time—put on jazz music, turn down the overhead lighting—the idea is to signal to your child that sleep is coming down the road.

Bedtime Chart

The idea of a bedtime chart is to have a visual representation of each part of the bedtime routine so that the whole family is on the same page in terms of the order and the expectations before bed. A chart can be as simple or as fancy as you want to make it. It’s just a way for your child to see her bedtime routine clearly and help her move through the steps. In the next section, you’ll see an example of how to create a bedtime chart and use it as motivation for your child.

Child-Led Play

This is a way to help your child shift into a self-regulating mode—it’s the opposite of you doing things to him, like bathing and dressing, and it sets the stage for your child falling asleep independently. Child-led play varies depending on age, temperament, and interests. The key is to avoid teaching, initiating, or changing the play. All you really have to do is follow. For example:

You’ve dimmed the lights in your child’s bedroom and put a few simple toys or books on the floor. You sit or lie down on the floor with him and wait and watch to see what he does next. Just watch! Often it’s enough for your little one to simply feel your presence and interest as she explores the room. You can pick up a similar toy or a complementary toy and join in, even if it’s really simple. It’s not necessary to always expand, but at times you can add something, like “Can my guy help build that barn?” or “I’m gonna roll my ball next to your ball.” Child-led play is good to do at any time, but for bedtime, keep it quiet and calm.

If you’re adding child-led play into your routine, try it before bath, or after pajamas, before reading a book.

Be Specific and Clear

It can help little kids to have very specific expectations and limits when it comes to bedtime routines. Clarify that your routine always has two stories and two songs. If your child spends a lot of time haggling over which book to read, choose a handful of books and allow him to pick two from that stack.

Help with the Transition

Your goal with bedtime routines is to be supportive and warm, but also very clear in handing off the responsibility for falling asleep to your child. We promise you, he is very capable of falling asleep on his own. It’s just a matter of helping to make the transition clear and comfortable. Make sure that the last step of your routine happens in the dark, while you’re still in the room. Turn off the lights and sing songs, tell a story, or talk about the day before walking out. If your child is very used to your presence while he falls asleep, you might want to give him some experience being alone in his room at the end of bedtime routine, before you officially leave. After your child is in bed and the lights are out, pop out quickly to fill his water glass or say, “I have to check something, I’ll be right back,” and leave the room for 1 minute.

Heather: I worked with a family whose son was crying when Dad left the room after the bedtime routine. We realized it was because the child went from a bright room with Dad, to being alone in the dark abruptly. The parents made a very specific routine, with a visual chart. After stories, Dad turned off the light and sat on the bed to talk about the day briefly. The son then had a moment with Dad in the dark, his eyes could adjust, and it eased the transition to bed. After 2 to 5 minutes in the dark, and with the child still awake, Dad kissed him good night and walked out. With this small adjustment, the son was comfortable falling asleep on his own.

Talk Through Bedtime Changes

We’ll repeat this idea many times in this chapter because it’s so important: anytime you’re working on sleep with a verbal child, talking with them and explaining the new plan is key. In this case, it might mean saying during the day, and with a reminder before bed: “We’re going to try something different today to help you get ready for bed and say good night.” Explain how your bedtime chart works and review the exact steps and the number of books and songs you’ll have before saying good night. If you’re going to use the Reverse Sleep Wave, this is the time to explain or remind how it works.

Gentle Good Morning

If you need to wake your child up in the morning, do so gently. Partially pull back a curtain and sit next to him on the bed. Allow him a few minutes to adjust and wake up quietly with your presence, rather than starting the day with an abrupt wake-up.

Your Child’s Relationship to Sleep

Think about your little one’s overall relationship to sleep. Does he (and do you) feel like it’s something we have to do—a dreaded activity to check off the list? Or is it something that we get to do—a pleasurable time to value and look forward to? Sleeping well is just like eating well and exercising; it’s part of taking care of ourselves and allowing our minds and bodies to be at their best, so that we can enjoy life to its fullest. Be a model for your child and let him see how you value and take care of your own sleep. Think of it as a family priority, not a chore; this is something your child will carry with him throughout his life.

We tend to spend a lot of time coaxing our kids to sleep, discussing expectations, talking about bedtime routines, and so forth, so balance this out with talk about sleep that doesn’t involve you trying to get your child to do something. That should be easy, because sleep is a pretty amazing topic and there’s plenty to get you started. Talk about what sleep is, why it’s neat, and why people need to sleep. For example:

Everybody in the whole wide world sleeps every night just like we do.

Did you know that while you sleep, your body becomes stronger and your brain makes connections and remembers information?

When I don’t sleep enough, sometimes my head feels a little cloudy. What does your body feel like when you don’t sleep enough?

Sleeping is like breathing. It’s what our bodies just know how to do!

Your body and mind need about 11 hours of sleep at night because you’re growing and changing so fast—sleep is really important for all of us though. Grown-ups need about 8 hours of sleep.

Did you have any dreams that you remember from last night? Dreams are like stories told by our brains while we sleep. Your brain can be pretty creative at night, can’t it?

After I say good night to you, I can’t wait to lie down in my soft, cozy bed, read my book for a little while, and then close my eyes and go to sleep!

Positive Bedtime

Since you’re aiming to create positive, warm associations with sleep, don’t use bed or bedtime as a negative consequence—for example, by telling your child he’ll go directly to bed without stories, or using the bed or crib as a space for time-out. In general, we don’t recommend using time-out as a punishment because this is not a helpful learning experience for your child. But if you use the concept of time-out to mean that your child has a moment to calm down and regulate himself, we still suggest using another space in the house to do this. Also avoid sending your child to time-out during bedtime routines, or using an early bedtime as a form of discipline—use the positive techniques presented earlier in the chapter instead.

Balanced Days, Peaceful Nights

The world’s best-crafted bedtime routine won’t cut it if your child is feeling stressed. When we humans are in a state of stress, the “downstairs brain” takes charge and we go into flight, fight, freeze (or faint) mode—think of running away when the pjs come out, fighting and stalling at every step of the routine.

Overscheduled or chaotic days lead to bedtime struggles and restless nights, and a lot of factors can tip our lives out of balance, like:

• Nonstop after-school classes and enrichment activities like sports, music, and dance
• Way too much homework at a time when families need to connect and wind down
• Overwhelmed parents who feel they need screens (TV, computer, tablets) as babysitters
• Parents’ busy lives and the feelings of stress they carry
• Everyone getting home late and healthy bedtimes rarely being met

On the other hand, if you pay attention to how your day unfolds and make sure that your child has downtime, he can shift out of stress mode and access his more sophisticated “upstairs brain.” When this happens, he’s regulated, emotionally calm, and is able to follow directions and enjoy books, songs, and snuggles. He’s ready to welcome sleep.

How to Achieve Balance with Your Children

Pare Down

Eliminate some activities and schedule free, unstructured time. Put your pjs on early and discover what boredom feels like. One wise parent we know tells her children, “When you’re bored, your brain is growing!” Lean into the open spaces in your day. Take a walk. Tumble and wrestle on the bed. Have everyone help out with dinner prep. Take early baths with extra bubbles. Create a visual schedule or chart that everyone uses to help you feel organized and keep the week balanced.

Check In

Sit and snuggle, talk about your “highs and lows,” rub your child’s feet if he’ll let you—find moments when you’re really together and not distracted. With some kids it doesn’t work to ask them direct questions, so get down on the floor and join your child in what he’s doing (instead of expecting an adultlike “how was your day” conversation). When you’re drawing, doing a puzzle, or playing a card game, conversations start to flow. It’s good for working parents to know that quality means more than quantity when it comes to spending time with our kids.

Think About You

Your mood rubs off on your child. Fighting with your partner, working too much, not taking care of your own sleep and exercise, not calling on family, friends, or other helpers to relieve you sometimes—all these things increase stress in the house, and your child picks up on it. This is where the “secure your own oxygen mask first” analogy applies.

Put a Limit on Homework Time

It’s helpful to talk to your child’s teacher and find out how much homework time is reasonable. Set the timer and when that amount of time is up, put the homework away. Most teachers want to know if it’s taking longer than they expected for the homework because this gives them information about how everyone is understanding the material. Current research shows little value from long hours of homework; it’s better to reconnect and have some fun after a long day.

Turn off the Screens

Just try it. We promise you’ll do just fine. As with any habit, you may go through a little withdrawal, but the reward will be big: calmer nervous systems, brains primed for relaxation, and time to really be with each other.

Make Bedtime Routine Sweet and Relaxing

Read the previous section on bedtime routines and craft one that you all enjoy. Hold tight to bedtime—it may seem rigid, but keeping bedtime consistent helps everyone feel less stressed the next day.

SLEEP SOLUTIONS

Bedtime Resistance: Helping Your Child Get into Bed

Preschoolers are brilliant designers of stall tactics, which means that sometimes just getting through the bedtime routine and actually getting your child physically into bed can feel like pushing a boulder up a mountain. “No, I need to put my other pjs on! I need the water in the fishie cup. Now I need to get a different blankie for my bears!”

The negotiating and stalling can try your patience as a parent and take the enjoyment out of bedtime. If this rings true, take a deep breath and read through this section for tips on helping your little one get through the bedtime routine and get into bed. (Following this section, we’ll help you figure out how to help him stay there all night.)

Schedule

Little kids still need roughly 10½ to 11 hours of sleep at night, so if your child is waking up around 6:30 a.m., a good bedtime is 7:30 p.m. This depends on your child’s individual sleep needs, but also is determined by what time he wakes up, whether he naps, and the timing of his naps. Around age 3, kids who are napping may not be tired until a little later than their usual bedtime, whereas when they stop napping they’ll be tired an hour or so earlier. This is because as your child grows, his “sleep drive” (Chapter 8) does not build as quickly. Napping for too long (more than 2 hours) or too late (past 3:00 or 3:30 p.m.) will mean that your child’s sleep drive hasn’t built up enough to make him fall asleep at bedtime. This is also true of kids who have stopped napping but sleep late into the morning or take even a little ten-minute “power nap” in the car. Both napping and sleeping in reduce your child’s sleep drive and can make bedtime difficult.

Motivate

Your child may need a little motivation to drive him through the steps of getting ready for bed, so you don’t feel as though you’re dragging him along. You might start by putting the best, most alluring step at the end of the routine. For example, if your toddler likes to sing a certain song with you or use a flashlight to make shadows on the wall, make that the final step in the bedtime routine. Tell your older child an ongoing story that has a “cliffhanger” every night, so he’s motivated to put on pajamas, crawl into bed, and hear the next installment. Remember that the best incentive for getting into bed is your undivided attention. Set aside books you love to read and create a repertoire of songs you love to sing. Your child will know if you’re truly enjoying this time together or merely going through the motions, so take good care of yourself and your mood will be contagious.

A visual chart can be very helpful. You can ask your child to check in with the chart and complete his routine. After doing so, he (or you) can put a star or choose a sticker to show that the routine was completed for that night (you can also do this for your morning routine). Resist praising or showing big excitement; this can backfire and increase resistance. Focus on the effort and process, not the end product. Remark on his accomplishments by saying, “Look at all these stickers. You’re following your chart!”

Here’s a simple chart you can make in 10 minutes.

• Take a large piece of poster paper.
• Draw an illustration of each step of your child’s routine (bath, pajamas, brushing teeth).
• Pin up an envelope of stickers next to the paper (buy some surprise stickers on your own so they are exciting to your child).
• After your child completes the routine, but before getting into bed, have him choose a sticker and put it on the paper in a designated spot.

Bedtime Routine Chart

Make a Bedtime Storybook

Take photos or draw pictures of each step in your bedtime routine and write the story of how it goes every night. Your child can draw the pictures and help you make the book, or you can do it yourself and read it with her during the day or as part of your routine. Telling the story of your routine and how the evening goes will help her make sense of this new plan—kids often love to see themselves and their routine in a book. You can also have these books made by an online photo book service.

Last Call for Stuff!

If you find yourself answering random questions that your child has concocted to lure you back into the room, or you’re repeatedly rearranging blankets and loveys after bedtime, it’s time to institute a “last call” policy. While your child is climbing into bed and you’re winding down the routine, tell him that this is the “last call for stuff,” in which he can ask for water, request his favorite stuffed animals, ask you to check his boo-boo, help him put on or take off socks, make a trip to the potty, or ask any of the questions he might have. The last call is a way to meet your child’s needs but to contain the interaction so that it doesn’t dribble over after the clear handoff of you saying good night and walking out of the room. Remind your little one during the last call that if he asks for something after last call, he is now in charge of his stuff (his blankets, water, and stuffed animals).

THE CREATIVE BEDTIME STALLER

Andrea: My son Jonah was a super-creative staller. “My socks fell off; I pushed my crib away from the wall; All my animals jumped out of my bed,” etc., etc. Thankfully, he loved the idea of “last call for stuff,” and as I made sure to include this check-in during his routine, he felt heard and contained. It became much easier for him to accept and understand when it was time for him to stop calling out and begin to soothe himself to sleep.

Falling Asleep Independently: The Reverse Sleep Wave, the Sleep Wave, and the Gradual Parent Wean

Here we will explain three techniques for helping your child sleep: the Reverse Sleep Wave, the regular Sleep Wave, and the gradual parent wean.

Which Should You Use? All Are Effective, but Consider That:

1. The Reverse Sleep Wave, if successful, is a gentle and easy system, and it’s one you can keep in place as a sweet, ongoing nightly ritual that helps your child transition to bed. We recommend trying it first. It’s very successful for many families. If it does not work, you can use the regular Sleep Wave or the gradual parent wean, and then go back and put the reverse one in place once your child is falling asleep on his own. Most children who are at least 2 can understand the concept of the Reverse Sleep Wave and stay in their beds in between the checks.

2. If you have been lying down or sitting with your child until he falls asleep, or having him sleep in your bed for a long time, you may feel most comfortable with the gradual parent wean. However, we still recommend trying the Reverse Sleep Wave first—you might be surprised by the result!

3. The Reverse Sleep Wave is primarily for helping your child fall asleep at the beginning of the night. If your child wakes up in the middle of the night, the regular Sleep Wave is the better option. In this case, you would use the Reverse Sleep Wave at bedtime and the regular Sleep Wave in the middle of the night.

4. If your child has been sleeping in your bed, use the Reverse Sleep Wave or the regular Sleep Wave, not the parent wean.

No matter which technique you choose, don’t skip over this very important step: Talk to your child about the plan during the day—this is an essential step in working on sleep with children over the age of 2. The more you can explain in clear, simple language and even include your child in your plans, the more success you’ll have. For example, once you’ve read through this chapter and decided on your new sleep plan, you can say something like: “It’s my job to help you sleep better, so we’re going to have a new plan at bedtime.” Then explain the plan. Have these talks during the day (not while the plan is in motion at night).

The Reverse Sleep Wave

Remember that having the confidence to fall asleep alone at the beginning of the night is a major benefit to children, and it determines a lot about how your child sleeps through the night as well as how he sleeps over the long term.

So once you’re through the bedtime routine and your child is in bed, how do you support him falling asleep independently?

The underlying pattern in bedtime problems is usually the same: Your child protests or calls for you, and you respond. The Reverse Sleep Wave is a way to shift this dynamic completely, by setting up what we call “5-minute check-ons” that you do for your child automatically, without him calling out to you. When you put your child to bed, you’ll tell him that you’re going to check on him in 5 minutes—this gives him the peace of mind to know you’re coming back and he doesn’t have to craft any tricky requests or negotiate to get you back in the room. Kids love this idea; if they just wait quietly, you will come to them! It’s an elegant little twist on the concept of the Sleep Wave (see Chapter 4) because it gives your child a repetitive, consistent reminder of your presence, but it keeps your child in charge of soothing and falling asleep independently. Your child can stop spending energy trying to get you to respond, and instead feel calm and relaxed knowing you’re already planning to come back.

REVERSE SLEEP WAVE STEPS

• Explain to your child, in a calm moment during the day, what the new plan will be and how the Reverse Sleep Wave works. Say, “We’re going to do something different tonight to help your body relax. We’re going to do our bedtime routine of brushing teeth, reading two stories, turning out the light, singing one song, and putting a cup of water by your bed. If you stay quiet, in your bed, Mommy (or Daddy) will check on you! I’ll keep checking on you until you fall asleep.”
• Show your child how you will stick your head just inside the door and softly say, “I’m checking on you. I’ll be back in 5 minutes. Night night,” and then you will leave right away. Make sure she understands that the Reverse Sleep Wave is quick and isn’t a conversation starter. Her role is to stay quietly in her bed and wait for your next check-on. During the day, you can use puppets or stuffed animals to demonstrate and rehearse with her to see how this will look. Depending on your child’s age, she can either watch or take a role; children often love to take the parent’s role.
• The first time you do a check-on, wait only about 30 to 45 seconds before going in. The idea is to make sure you do your check before your child calls out, gets out of bed, or starts to cry. At first, she may not have the patience to wait 5 minutes because she doesn’t “get” the new pattern yet.
• Stick your head just inside the door and say very softly, just loud enough for your child to hear, “I’m checking on you. I’ll be back in 5 minutes. Night night.” Then leave. You’re not waiting for a response or having any expectation of whether she’s asleep yet. You’re simply letting your child know that you are checking on her. Make this check very quiet. If you have a creaky door, put some oil on the hinges to make it possible for you to open it quietly without disturbing your child.
• Gradually lengthen the time between your check-ons until you’ve reached 4 to 5 minutes. By this time, your child will have detected the pattern and will come to trust that you will indeed come, without her having to reach out for your attention in any way.
• Continue 5-minute checks until your child is asleep.

Over the next week or two, you should see the number of checks drop dramatically. Most children are asleep by the third one. If this doesn’t happen and you feel that the checks are still going on and on, you can now choose to set a limit and let your child know that you will only do two or three checks.

At first, your little sleeper will be very excited and expectant, waiting for you to come, but after a while, she will relax as the predictable pattern of your Reverse Sleep Wave becomes clear. This builds a very sweet bridge from awake time with you, to separating to fall asleep, and you can keep this ritual in place for a long time.

The Reverse Sleep Wave doesn’t always work right away—your child might pop up and get out of bed before you can do your check-on (even a 15-second one). If this is the case, don’t worry, you can still use the Reverse Sleep Wave once your child begins to stay in his bed and fall asleep on his own. Read the following section on the regular Sleep Wave and you’ll see how you can apply it until your child is ready for the Reverse Sleep Wave.

The Reverse Sleep Wave is short, sweet, and automatic—it changes the dynamic at bedtime.

The Sleep Wave

In Chapter 4, we taught you the Sleep Wave—a method for helping your baby fall asleep independently and for sleeping through the night. You can use the Sleep Wave to help an older child fall asleep independently, too—whether he’s sleeping in a crib or a bed.

The Sleep Wave is the best option if you’ve tried the Reverse Sleep Wave but your child is still getting out of bed and/or crying, or if you simply think that your child is not capable of understanding and staying in bed in between checks. Many parents use the Sleep Wave when moving their child from the crib to the big bed, from their bed to their child’s own bed, or if their child’s sleep has regressed.

The basic principles and method of the Sleep Wave are the same with older kids as they are for babies. The goal of the Sleep Wave is to give you a repetitive (wavelike) way to respond to and reassure your child, while keeping a clear distinction in terms of who is soothing to sleep. Through the Sleep Wave, you stay very consistent and reliable for your child, coming and going in a predictable pattern. Your child, over time, will pick up on this pattern, relax, and eventually turn inward and access his ability to fall sleep. Remember that your child is capable of falling asleep on his own, but habits and associations become so powerful and entrenched that they’ve overshadowed his natural abilities. It can look like it’s impossible for your child to fall asleep on his own. It’s not. You just have to shift the dynamic and institute a new, consistent pattern.

THE SLEEP WAVE

Remember this method from Chapter 4? We’ll explain how you can use the same steps with your older child.

Put your child down awake.

The check.

The wave.

Good morning.

Kids often protest change; it’s normal for your child to have feelings about doing bedtime in a different way! The Sleep Wave is the way to respond predictably and consistently, without helping with the soothing-to-sleep part. When you’re very repetitive and consistent, it’s almost hypnotic for your child. He’ll be able to detect the pattern, know what to expect, relax, and access his own soothing mechanisms.

When using the Sleep Wave with a walking, talking child who is in a real bed, you have extra challenges as well as extra tools to help. The main challenge is that now your little one isn’t confined by the crib, so this newfound freedom can bring on multiple attempts to come looking for you. The good news is that an older child has the ability to understand and participate in a new plan, as well as the sophisticated brainpower to know in a very concrete way that you are nearby.

The Key to Success = Consistency

The number one key to success with the Sleep Wave is consistency—sticking to your plan with complete steadiness, with the goal of not breaking your pattern at all. Especially as children grow—with stronger bodies, louder voices, and big personalities—their protests can be very powerful. As a parent, it’s hard to hear or watch your child protest; we know how tough this can be. Keep in mind that the end goal is a good, healthy sleep for your child; the more consistent you are, the faster and easier the process will be for everyone.

When we say “consistent,” we mean even your small behaviors, such as what you say and how you move, must stay the same. For example, below you will read about options for returning your child to bed. When you choose a script to say, repeat it exactly each time, without adding a single other phrase, an exasperated sigh, a sharp tone, or any yelling. The precise consistency of your voice and your body movements are key. When you deviate from your exact plan, it confuses and activates your child. He will begin to reach out and test even more to see what your next response will be. If he knows it’s never changing, he will eventually relax and self-soothe to sleep.

Before you start the Sleep Wave, you will create a plan and a “script” to say to your child once he’s in bed. Do not deviate from this. When you change your response, even slightly (by saying a different phrase, responding to his request for a new stuffed animal just one time, and so forth), it will make him more likely to keep getting up or crying and the whole process will be prolonged.

Sleep struggles can get ugly sometimes because parents want to be accommodating but eventually reach a limit and start feeling frustrated, resentful, and out of control. That’s when putting a new sleep plan in place and sticking to it consistently is really important. Make a fresh start with your child by creating/writing down your sleep plan, talking it through with your partner and your child, and implementing it in a very clear way.

Sleep Wave Choices

How you implement the Sleep Wave with your child depends on whether he’s in the crib or a big bed, and what exactly he does when you put him into bed. Here are the possible scenarios:

If Your Child Is in a Crib

To implement the Sleep Wave if your child is still in the crib, you can follow the exact steps of the Sleep Wave as outlined for babies in Chapter 4.

If Your Child Is in a Bed

To implement the Sleep Wave with a child sleeping in a bed, you will complete your bedtime routine (make sure to read all the above information on routines), kiss your child good night, and walk out of the room. Your child may protest this change in many different ways, so read the following options depending on your child’s behavior:

If Your Child Cries, but Stays in Bed

You don’t need to check on your child if he’s talking, singing, or mumbling, but if your child is crying or protesting strongly, use the Sleep Wave 5-minute checks as outlined in Chapter 4.

If Your Child Gets out of Bed

Here comes the tough one! Many toddlers get out of bed after parents say good night and walk out (you may even feel someone tugging at your leg before you get out of the room). If your child gets out of bed, there are a few ways to respond using the Sleep Wave, all of which involve the idea of “expanding the crib.”

Expand the Crib

Many parents are not prepared for the persistence with which their little one will get up out of bed over and over. One mom told us that the first night she moved her son to a toddler bed, he got out of bed 110 times!

It helps tremendously to now imagine your child’s bedroom as an expanded crib. Instead of being contained by the crib, you can now choose a gentle but clear way to contain your child in the bedroom, rather than allowing her to join you repeatedly in the living room. This is very effective in reducing her excitement at being able to get to where the action is. Keeping her in her room also keeps her in the darkness, where her brain is better able to fall asleep, and the sense of a fun game is also diminished if she can’t come pitter-pattering down the hallway time after time.

Depending on factors such as whether your child’s bedroom door is usually open or closed, which direction the door opens, what kind of a climber he is, and so forth, there are several choices for how to accomplish the idea of the expanded crib. Before you start, check the room carefully for any safety issues, for example, blind cords, electrical outlets, and anything your child could pull over or climb on.

• Use a baby-proofing gate at the bedroom door. This is probably the most common approach. The gate needs to be strong and high enough to be effective.
• If your child is used to having the door closed, you can simply close it. The tricky part about this choice is that most doors open into the room, which makes it difficult to open it to do your checks if your child is standing right at the door.
• There are gadgets you can buy that hold the door firmly in an ajar position, which some families have used for this purpose.
• If you don’t use any of these choices, you can sit on the floor or in a chair just out of sight, in the dark, outside your child’s room.

Sleep Wave Steps

Once you’ve decided on your method for keeping your little one secure in her comfy room, you’re ready to use the Sleep Wave steps to help her learn the new pattern of falling asleep independently. You’ll want a one-line “script” to say to your child when you’re doing your 5-minute checks—for example, “It’s time for bed.” Repeat this script in a very calm, confident way. For some children these strategies may work better without any words from the parent at all. This is your choice and depends on your child’s temperament and age. The trick is to not engage or stimulate her during these visits. The goal is to be so repetitive and non-engaging that she eventually figures out that it’s not really worth getting up after all. Whichever way you choose to respond, remember, the most important thing is to stick to it!

Look over the following four examples and choose how you will respond, depending on your child’s behavior after you say good night and walk out of the room.

1. If your child is at her gate or door, crying, wait 5 minutes, and then go and walk or carry her back to her bed, say your script, and leave right away. Even if she doesn’t get out of bed, be sure to do the 5-minute checks if she’s crying. If you haven’t yet read about the Sleep Wave and the concept of the 5-minute checks, please go to Chapter 4.

USING THE SLEEP WAVE WITH THE TODDLER BED

Marianne: When we first moved Bella to her toddler bed, she popped up repeatedly. She would stand at the gate and just scream at the top of her lungs. The first night, my husband walked her back to her bed and said his script, 45 times! We were sure it wasn’t going to work. But the second night, he had to do it only 28 times, and the third night, it was down to 10. She’s a strong little one, but by week’s end, she was going down easily and not getting out of bed at all.

2. If your child is at his gate or door, but not crying, you don’t have to go at all. Some parents still choose to go every 5 minutes and walk or carry their child back to his bed, say their script, and leave right away. When you get your little one back into bed, be sure not to do any additional soothing or bedtime rituals for him: “Last call for stuff” is over, so no elaborate tucking in or pulling covers up. Teach him to do those things for himself, otherwise they turn into reasons for calling you back in.

3. If you’ve chosen not to use a gate or close the door, sit just out of sight outside your child’s door, in the dark, and walk or carry him back to bed every time he gets up. In this case, it’s best to use very few words, or not to talk at all, as he will already be quite activated by your presence. Remember that you’re not disciplining your child, sending him the message that he’s done something wrong, or that you’re upset. You’re simply establishing a new pattern. Make sure that your body movements and emotional tone convey this by being patient and neutral.

4. If you choose one of the check-in methods above and find that little or no progress is being made, you’ll want to shift to a less engaging approach, which usually means no talking. Either way, if you stick to it, your child will eventually become convinced that you’re not going to change your tune and that getting up isn’t so much fun after all. It’s only then that she will turn to her inner soothing abilities and find her own way to fall asleep.

Remember: Important Notes About the Sleep Wave with Children

Be Calm and Concise

When you’re walking your child back to bed, don’t engage in conversation or negotiations. Don’t use threats or consequences, plead, or express frustration with your child. We can’t overstate this! You don’t want bedtime to be associated with tension, and sometimes negative attention from you confuses or reinforces your child’s behavior. Be calm and confident, unwavering, repetitive, and boring. Say the exact same thing each time you go in, such as, “It’s time for sleeping,” or say nothing at all. If you feel exasperated or upset, try switching off with your partner in doing the checks.

Kids Are Tenacious

Expect your child to get out of bed 50 times at first. Hopefully this won’t happen, but you should prepare for your child to truly test the limits of this new bedtime arrangement. If he detects the pattern, and gets comfortable after one to two checks (in which you walk him back to bed), that’s great—you’ve got an easygoing sleeper on your hands! Just know that it’s completely normal for children to pop out of bed many times, cry, and express their feelings in all sorts of different ways in response to a big change like this. Be ready to ride this out and let your child know that this is truly the new way of doing things in your home.

You may feel as though 5 minutes is too short and that you’re interrupting his progress toward self-soothing to sleep. If this is the case, at this age it’s fine to extend the time to 6, 7, or 8 minutes. The key is to choose a time and stick to it. You want your child to feel the predictability, the rhythmic wave, of your visits.

What to Say the Next Day

Children have a basic need to feel capable and significant. The next day, let your child know that you noticed he was able to fall asleep on his own, and maybe ask how his body feels after a good night’s sleep. If getting there was a big struggle, you might say, “You kept trying and finally did it!” Research points to the fact that big praise and lots of “good jobs” actually backfire, as kids tend to give up or tune out very quickly. Kids are more likely to try harder and stick with something difficult if we acknowledge the effort and the progress they’re making, while also helping them connect with how they feel about their accomplishments. It also helps to stay calm about their progress and normalize sleep for them, because if they catch wind of how invested you are in this whole business, they will be inspired to resist.

Julie: When my son used to say, “Mommy, I can’t fall asleep,” I would tell him, “Don’t worry, honey, all you have to do is close your eyes and take deep breaths and your body will do the rest!”

Don’t punish your child or take away anything if he doesn’t meet your expectations with the new bedtime plan. Simply acknowledge the struggle and notice his accomplishments when they happen. For example:

Wow, I noticed it was really tough for you to follow your new sleep plan last night, wasn’t it? I had to help you back into bed lots of times. Is there anything you think would help you tonight? (This isn’t an opportunity for your child to change the plan, only to make a small modification like a new sippy cup or a different book, so she feels like she’s part of the plan, too.)

Or,

Wow, I was noticing how you fell asleep with your lovey last night, just like we talked about. Your body knows just what to do, doesn’t it?

If you stick with your plan and your response is consistent, you’ll probably notice that your 5-minute checks eventually decrease (although don’t be surprised if they increase the second or third night). After a week or two of a consistent response, most kids fall asleep independently.

4-YEAR-OLD ELI AND THE MAGIC MONKEY

Ben: When Eli was 4, he refused to go to bed on his own. I made the mistake of “resting” next to him until he fell asleep. Then, I would sneak out—or I’d fall asleep, too, only to wake a few hours later, confused and frustrated. This went on for a few weeks. Every time I tried to leave before Eli was asleep, it would result in tears. I was exhausted and weak and would give in. Repeatedly. When we decided to stay consistent and truly change the pattern, we realized that an extra bit of encouragement made a big difference. At the time, Eli was very interested in a character he invented and called “The Magic Monkey.” The Magic Monkey started writing Eli supportive letters that would “appear” under Eli’s pillow: “I know you can do it.” “It’s hard, but you’re almost there.” “Don’t worry, Eli. This can take a little time.” Eventually, he was falling asleep without me in the room.

The Gradual Parent Wean

If you have been helping your child fall asleep in her own bed for quite a while (by lying down with her in her bed, on the floor, in a chair, on a futon . . . we’ve heard it all!), one approach is to very gradually shift yourself out of the room, moving about six to twelve inches each night. This strategy can be very useful if lying down with your child is a well-entrenched pattern and you just can’t fathom the idea of extricating yourself—we’ve met lots of parents who fall into this category. The process takes some time, but it’s often a relieving option for parents who don’t think they can use the Reverse Sleep Wave or the regular Sleep Wave.

When you fade yourself out of your child’s room, your child knows what’s happening, but it’s so gradual that he becomes comfortable with the change as it unfolds. He also has a clear sense that you are still there, even if he can’t see you, as he’s watched your path as you slowly exit. Since the parent’s movement is very gradual, children usually don’t protest. If your child does, let him know, during a preview or rehearsal during the day, that once Mom or Dad says good night, you won’t be talking at all. If he gets out of bed, simply take him back to bed, without any words (very much like you would when sitting in the dark hallway if using the Sleep Wave). By the time you’re out of the room, your child is falling asleep on his own. During this process, keep your child’s bedtime and routine very consistent and predictable.

GRADUAL PARENT WEAN STEPS:

• As with any changes planned for kids this age, start by explaining them during calm, daytime moments: Daddy’s going to move a teeny, tiny bit each night, until he is sleeping in his own bed. You can do a little playacting with animals or dolls, showing your child what it’s going to look like.
• Decide what you are going to sit or lie on. Ideally, it’s the same or similar to what you’ve been using. If you’ve been lying in your child’s bed, you’ll need a sleeping bag or pad of some kind. Make sure that, whatever you choose, it will fit through the doorway and into the hallway.
• The first night, only move a few inches away. Each night continue to move six to twelve inches. Stay in your spot until your child is asleep.
• Depending on the distance you have to travel, you should be completely out of the room and down the hallway in about 10 to 14 days. It’s a painstaking process, but don’t try to speed it up too much. It’s the gradual nature that makes it reassuring to your little one.
• Once you are completely out of the room, you can begin to use the Reverse Sleep Wave, which is a great way to maintain a connected feeling as your child falls asleep.
• If your child’s sleep regresses after this process is over and the Reverse Wave doesn’t work, be ready to use the regular Sleep Wave, so that you don’t create the lying down pattern again.

Sleeping Through the Night

Kids wake up and call out in the middle of the night for different reasons. Read through this section and decide which approach is best to help your little one sleep all the way until morning.

Make sure that you have read all of the information in the Healthy Sleep Habits section of this chapter. Your child’s environment and sleep associations are key to sleeping through the night. Review the sleep associations to make sure your child isn’t waking up at night because she can’t pull up her own covers, she can’t reach her sippy cup, or her room looks different in the middle of the night than it does at bedtime. For example, if your child wakes up in the night calling for you and asking for you to retuck her covers or find her stuffed animal, practice having her tuck her own covers and locate her animals on her own during the day. Talk this through with her to review exactly what she will do in the night now, instead of calling to you for help. Encourage her, stay positive, and acknowledge any accomplishments (however small) the next day.

Julie: The moms in my toddler groups over the years have come up with creative solutions to the “tucking” dilemma and other sleep associations. Some have described teaching their child to sit up, find the edge of their blanket, and then pull it over them as they lie down. Others will hang a blanket over the crib or bed rail so that their child can easily pull it over them during the night. Many will tuck a sippy cup into the corner of the crib or on a nightstand so that it can be easily reached. Once mom described how, during the day, her child loved to pretend to be a little kitty, getting ready for bed and making sure that all of his “stuff” was handy!

If your child is waking up too early in the morning, read “Waking Up Too Early”.

If your child wakes up afraid after a nightmare, you always want to go to her right away.

If you’ve adopted all of the Healthy Sleep Habits, addressed any unhelpful sleep associations, and your child is not having a nightmare, you can now use the Sleep Wave for night wakings. The key to using the Sleep Wave for night wakings is to go immediately back to the predictable pattern of the 5-minute checks and resist changing it up. The steps will be exactly the same. Staying consistent can be extra challenging in the middle of the night, when you’re groggy. But resist the easy way out (lying down with your child or bringing her into your bed), as this will make it harder, in the long run, for your child to sleep continuously in her own bed.

If your approach at bedtime was sitting just outside the door in the dark hallway (if you’re not using a gate or a closed door), you’ll have to do this again during night wakings.

Remember that the Sleep Wave works when you keep the pattern of your response exactly the same, and that applies to bedtime, middle of the night, and naptime. If you keep it 100 percent consistent, your child will detect the pattern and shift more easily to self-soothing to sleep.

Waking Up Too Early

Do you hear “Mama!” or feel someone tugging on your blankets before the sun comes up in the morning? Early waking is a really common sleep pattern for young kids. In contrast to the first half of the night, in which your child has more deep sleep, in the last part of the night he experiences more light sleep. At this point, he’s more easily awakened and also isn’t as tired as he was earlier in the night—making it harder to fall back to sleep.

We’ve met families in which the child wakes up at 5:00 a.m., climbs into bed with parents, and everyone falls back to sleep until their regular wake-up time. If this is the case in your house and the whole family is sleeping well, then there’s no problem! But often an early riser makes for shortened sleep for at least one person because he or she cannot fall back to sleep, or sleeps restlessly after the early riser wakes up. If this is the case for you, you can work with this pattern and shift your child’s wake-up time.

To do this, it helps to keep his environment completely dark and quiet until it’s time to get up. The body’s internal clock uses light cues (both sunlight and home lights) and, to a lesser degree, things like social interaction and eating, to help it know when it’s time to wake up. Your goal is to save all of these sources of stimulation until after your designated wake-up time, and to have a very clear boundary that keeps your child from eating, playing, social interaction, or, most important, being exposed to light until that designated time. If you are very consistent with this, your child’s body will eventually adjust.

This can take weeks, so do not give up! Shifting wake-up time is one of the hardest parts of working on sleep. Expect this process to take some time. We know it can be frustrating, but it’s worth it for the eventual payoff of waking up at the proper hour.

HERE’S HOW TO HELP THE EARLY RISER:

• Don’t shift your child’s bedtime later, because this can backfire and cause him to wake up even earlier. A good bedtime for a 2-to-6-year-old is still 7:00 or 7:30 p.m. (depending on his nap schedule). It often helps a child to sleep later in the morning if he is put to bed a little earlier (try about 30 minutes earlier). Make sure your child is napping well, too. It seems counterintuitive, but a well-rested child is less likely to be restless in the early hours.
• Make sure that your child’s room has blackout shades or curtains so that no morning light creeps in to signal him to wake up—not even a sliver!
• If your child can read numbers, have a clock in his room that he can see from his bed. Let him know that when the clock says “6:30 a.m.” he can get out of bed. If he cannot read time, you can buy a nightlight that works on a timer and changes colors or symbols at the designated time.
• Talk to your child about how before the designated wake-up time, he will be in charge of his own “stuff,” which means he can take his own sips of water from a sippy cup by the bed, pull up his covers, hug his stuffed animals—you will not be coming in to do these things for him until it’s wake-up time.
• Practice anything your child cannot do (such as pulling up covers or drinking water) during the day or before bed so he has a rehearsal.
• When your child does stay in bed until wake-up time, acknowledge his progress. “Hey, you stayed in bed this morning like your plan says!”
• If your child cries for more than 5 minutes or pops out of bed, go right into your Sleep Wave method until wake-up time, walking him back to bed or doing your checks if he’s still in a crib.
• Be precise about the wake-up time. If you decide that wake-up is 6:00 a.m., don’t go into your child’s room (except for 5-minute checks if he’s crying) until the stroke of six.
• Once the wake-up time has arrived, if your child is still awake, walk into his room and greet him, say good morning, and open the blinds to let his internal clock know that it’s now daytime. It’s okay if your child hasn’t fallen back to sleep at this point—you are still helping to shift his internal clock. If he’s still asleep at the wake-up time, let him be. It’s best to let him wake up naturally.

Naps

Most children need to nap until they are at least 3 or 4 years old; until this age, naps are still a critical way for your child’s mind and body to refresh. Before this age, if your child goes the whole day without sleeping, stress chemicals continue to rise in his body. He’s no longer optimally alert, so he doesn’t learn as well and he can become irritable, inflexible, and less creative. Most 2-year-olds do well with a nap around 12:00 or 12:30 p.m. (assuming they wake up in the morning around 6:30 a.m.), and this time can gradually move back to 1:00 p.m. by the time the child is around 3 or 4 years old.

Dropping the Nap

Here’s how you’ll know your child might be ready to stop napping:

• He’s between 3 and 5 years old.
• He lies awake at naptime for one to two weeks in a row. Note: This doesn’t mean that your child simply resists lying down to take a nap. It means that he is lying down and resting, but he does not fall asleep. Naptime resistance (protesting getting into bed for a nap in the first place) is common and doesn’t necessarily signal that your child doesn’t need a nap.
• On the days that he does nap, bedtime has started to be a big issue. Your child either resists bedtime or gets into bed but doesn’t fall asleep until 8:30 or 9:00 p.m. In this case, if your child stops napping, he might be able to fall asleep at 7:00 p.m. and get the same amount of sleep overall as he did when he napped.
• If your child is in day care or preschool, he doesn’t nap there either. If your child does nap at child care but not at home, that’s a sign that he probably should nap at home, too.

Nap Resistance

Around age 2, many little ones start protesting taking a nap. Your child might cry and yell for you, or simply roll around in the crib or bed, sit up and talk to himself, sing, or play with his blankie—anything but sleep. If he is simply hanging out in the crib or bed, that’s okay. There’s no reason to do anything, and you can let him lie down or play quietly for an hour. This is still a rest time for his brain and body, and it’s important to keep this routine and pattern in place and allow him the space and time to sleep when he’s ready again—maybe tomorrow, or maybe two weeks from now. If you hold the naptime in place, your toddler will most likely come around to sleeping again.

Keep naptime consistent. If your child’s naptime moves around every day, it’s not enlisting the forces of his circadian rhythms, which crave regularity. Just as with bedtime routines, your naptime routine should be clear every day—just a shortened version of your bedtime routine. Remember that anything can be part of your routine as long as it helps your toddler to wind down. Be sure to keep the routine the same every day. A toddler’s nap routine might be:

Reading a few books

Changing diaper or using the potty

Turning down the lights

Singing one song

JONAH’S TEMPORARY “NAP STRIKE”

Andrea: Because of the Sleep Wave, Jonah was an incredibly good sleeper/napper. But then, around 2, he just stopped napping. I knew this couldn’t be a good thing for him, or for me. I believed that napping was vital to him being the happy, easygoing kid that he was. Julie advised that this “nap strike” was completely normal and, most important, temporary, and that I should continue his nap routine, even if he didn’t sleep. For one week—no naps, and then as quickly as they had ended, they started again. And he napped beautifully until 4 years old. I’m so glad I had this info and encouragement, because so many of my mom friends mistakenly dropped their child’s nap at this point, when their kid was just taking a little nap hiatus.

If the Reverse Sleep Wave is working for your little one at bedtime, start by trying to use it at naptime as well. However, if your toddler truly begins to cry after getting in her crib or bed for nap, do your Sleep Wave checks for naptime. The form these checks take will depend on if your child is in a crib or bed, and what she does when you leave the room, so read the Sleep Wave section to decide on your plan. If your toddler continues to cry or protest for 30 to 45 minutes or so after you put her down, you can go into her room and say, “Okay, naptime is over,” get her up, and try again tomorrow. Remember that most children are at least 3 or 4 before they truly don’t need to nap, so don’t take your child’s protesting at naptime as evidence that she doesn’t need to sleep until she’s at least this age and also meets the above criteria for dropping her nap.

Even after your child stops falling asleep at naptime, it’s good to keep a regular “rest time” to unwind and relax. Kids are active and constantly stimulated during the day, so having a rest time allows them a quiet and peaceful break. This means that if your child has stopped falling asleep and you’re quite certain that she’s no longer going to take a nap, you’ll still lower the lights, do your naptime routine, and allow her time in her bed with a few books. You might even set a timer for 30 to 40 minutes of rest time.

As children near the end of the napping age, they often start falling asleep later and later in the evening (maybe 8:00 p.m. or later). However, once you know that your child is no longer falling asleep at naptime, you’ll want to move his bedtime earlier again, as early as 7:00 p.m. In fact, when your child stops napping, you may find that he sleeps virtually the same amount in a 24-hour period—it’s just that it’s all nighttime sleep now.

Moving from Crib to Big Bed

When to Move from Crib to Bed

The age at which parents move their little one from the safety and limits of a crib to a toddler or twin bed varies. Some little mini gymnasts can launch themselves from the crib at an early age and take us by surprise. Other toddlers stay happily in their cribs until age 3 or even older.

Moving to a bed is an exciting transition for both parents and kids, but we recommend that you don’t jump into it too soon. Most children make the move at around age 2½ or 3 (although some make the move earlier if they start climbing out of their cribs). By age 3, kids are more likely to have the necessary impulse control and understand the concept of staying in bed all night. As a general rule, if your toddler is sleeping well in her crib, don’t fix something that isn’t broken! We know a lot of parents who moved a 2-year-old to the big bed only to have a little escape artist a few months down the road.

That said, safety is always number one, so if you even suspect that your child is close to climbing out, it’s a very good idea to either move her immediately (depending on her age) or, if she’s still under 2 years old, make sure the mattress is at the lowest level and try putting cushions (couch cushions work well) around her crib at night, just in case.

How to Move from Crib to Bed

When you first move your child to a bed, to prevent her from rolling out, you can use a crib that converts to a toddler bed, a twin bed against the wall with a railing on the outside, or a mattress on the floor (you can always add the frame later on if you’re using a twin mattress).

If you haven’t already, be sure that the room is 100 percent childproof before getting the new bed. Find a way to make the new bed feel cozy with sides, similar to the crib. You can use bed rails, pillows, or rows of stuffed animals. Expect the transition to take a week or two for most toddlers. It’s a big change!

• Keep the transition clear by removing the crib from your child’s room. We know quite a few toddlers who struggled with this transition because their crib was in sight and they felt quite torn, understandably.

CRIB-BED CONFUSION

Bronwyn: Our 2-year-old, Henry, had been happy in his big-boy bed for about a month when all of a sudden he was all tears and panic over bedtime. Henry was asking to return to his old crib, still assembled in his bedroom. My husband and I thought that we were empowering Henry by allowing him the choice of whether or not to return to his crib. In the end, letting him choose where to sleep was too heavy a responsibility—he needed to be confident that his parents were in charge. Henry said good-bye to his crib, briefly mourned his loss, and from then on we no longer had the drama connected to his new bed.

• If possible, put the new bed in the same spot as the crib. Keep some familiar blankets and bedding from the crib.
• Prepare your child for the move by rehearsing with her stuffed animals, during daytime play, what it will look like. Have the animals go through the bedtime routine and sing the songs. Let her lead this play if she will—it will help her to feel in charge. If you’re using the Reverse Sleep Wave, this is a good time to rehearse how it will go.
• Keep your bedtime routine consistent and include a new book about transitioning to the big bed. You could buy one or make a simple one.
• Help your child relate to this transition by pointing out children he knows who have moved to a big bed. Ask his grandparents to tell him about when you moved to a big bed or tell him yourself.
• If you’re moving your toddler to a bed in preparation for a new baby, be sure to do so at least several months in advance so he doesn’t feel that the baby has taken his place.

Some kids take to this new arrangement very well. Others have a honeymoon period of excitement, in which they stay in their bed beautifully, but after the novelty has worn off, they start getting up at bedtime or in the middle of the night.

The first night that your child starts sleeping in the big bed, use the Reverse Sleep Wave to help him adjust; you can keep these 5-minute check-ons in place for months, or years. As long as the checks are short and sweet, they are a nice way for your older child to transition to sleep.

If your little one is having a hard time with the freedom of the bed and keeps popping up, it can be helpful to install a sturdy baby gate for safety and to create the feeling of an expanded crib. If your child is a climber, get one that either has vertical slats or has a flat surface (the goal is that there is nowhere for a foothold). In this case, once you’ve gotten her comfortable in her new bed, you can use the Reverse Sleep Wave or the regular Sleep Wave to help her learn the pattern of sleeping all night in this exciting, wide-open sleep space.

Nightmares and Night Terrors

Nightmares

Nightmares are normal and common for little kids. In the preschool years, bad dreams begin (or become obvious to parents) because:

1. Kids have advancing cognitive skills and powers of imagination.

2. It’s still hard for little kids to distinguish reality from fantasy, so dreams can feel very real.

3. Little kids have language and can tell us about their bad dreams.

4. Kids know that bad things can happen. As children get older, they’re exposed to ideas and stories that let them know that bad events are possible. This is why many kids have anxious dreams about being left or not being able to find Mom or Dad.

Having scary dreams is a fact of life for many little ones—it’s not realistic to expect them to go away completely. Your goal as a parent is to help soothe your child and calm her down after a nightmare, while also helping her feel comfortable and confident in her room and stay in charge of self-soothing back to sleep.

Respond and Soothe

If your child cries and is afraid after a nightmare, go to her and do whatever is needed to calm her down. Some kids just need your presence beside them and a stroke on the back, whereas others might need you to pick them up and hold them until they’re calm. (Don’t add a feeding of milk at night to comfort your child, though, as she doesn’t need this soothing association in the middle of the night. If she needs a drink, put a sippy cup of water next to her bed at bedtime.) Let your child know that you’re right there and that she’s in her room with all the same toys, books, animals, and so forth that she always has during the day. Dreams can feel very real (you probably know this from your own experience), and especially for young kids. In fact, your child may insist that something bad truly happened and it wasn’t a dream. In this case, just let her tell the story and express her feelings, rather than trying to convince her it didn’t really happen. Remind her of where she is and that everything is okay.

Talk About Bad Dream Strategies

During the day or at bedtime, talk to your child about ways that she can comfort herself and feel better after a nightmare. The point of these techniques is to empower your child. You want her to feel confident and in charge of her fears as much as possible. There are lots of choices here, so try a few to see what works or create your own. For example:

• At bedtime, give her stuffed animal “extra hugs and kisses” that she can access on her own after bedtime, anytime she needs them. Say this clearly as part of bedtime routine, for example: I’m giving teddy 10 kisses that are just for you, if you need them tonight.
• Tell your child that flipping her body to the other side or flipping the pillow over will “change the channel” on the bad dream. If she doesn’t like the dream she’s having, she can use this technique to change it. This gives her a concrete way to feel in control.
• During the day have your child practice closing her eyes and imagining a happy or comforting image or story. You can talk about replacing bad thoughts with good ones, or coach her in how to envision a good story in her mind while falling asleep or after a bad dream.
• Initially, when you teach your child to flip her body, her channel, or replace bad dreams with good ones, she might say, “It doesn’t work! The bad stories just come back!” Respond with something like, “That’s okay. It takes practice. It’s okay to have scary thoughts. Just say ‘no thanks’ to them and move your mind to a different story.” Help her come up with a few good stories, like thinking about a holiday or a fun family trip.
• Some people use a dream catcher (a special object in the bedroom meant to ward off bad dreams) to help their child feel comfortable falling asleep. Attach the dream catcher somewhere close to the bed, but don’t have it loose in the bed (you want it to be reassuring, but not something your child can lose or has to fuss with).

DASHIELL’S BAD-DREAM TECHNIQUE

Heather: When my son Dashiell was 5, he was having occasional nightmares. I taught him how to flip his body over to feel better, but he came up with his own technique, which he told me about one morning: “Instead of flipping the pillow or your body, you have to think about flipping your mind. Sometimes flipping things outside your body doesn’t work. But when you flip objects inside your body and in your brain, it could help. Like if I had a bad dream it would be pointing toward me, and the good dream is pointing to the room. You think, think, think and then you can flip your mind around so the good dream is toward you now.” He also told me that this technique works for “small or medium” bad dreams. For large bad dreams, he needs Mom or Dad.

Help Your Child Feel Comfortable in Her Room

Spend a little time in the dark in your child’s room, talking about how shadows are created, what light and dark really are, playing with light sticks or flashlights, and pointing out how the objects in her room are the same even when it’s nighttime. Make sure she has a lovey or stuffed animal she likes. Try using a nightlight to see if this helps with fears of the dark, although some children feel more afraid when they wake up and see the dark objects and shadows that are created by nightlights. Find what works best.

If your child is afraid of the dark, let her simply express these fears and be curious about them, rather than just telling her there’s nothing to be afraid of. For example, if your child says there’s a monster in the closet, start by asking her to tell you what it looks like, sounds like, and does. Ask her what she thinks about this monster. Once you’ve listened to her answers or gleaned them from her manner and expression, empathize. Let her know you understand how she feels and that you remember feeling like that when you were her age. When you’ve acknowledged her fear, you can tell her that monsters aren’t real but only exist in our imaginations, like dogs who can talk or teapots that sing. Some children will show you exactly how they need to process their fears by becoming somewhat fascinated by things like monsters and wanting to read books or look at pictures of them and talk about them a lot, usually with Mom or Dad right there for protection! This “leaning in” to what they’re afraid of helps them to tame their fears by naming them and getting to know them better. Our tendency as parents is to immediately distract or dismiss fears, but that rarely helps kids to move forward.

GETTING COMFORTABLE IN THE DARK

Ali: When my girls Cienna and Rylee were almost 3, there was a period when they were afraid of the dark. I filled a box with glow-in-the-dark toys, flashlights, glow-stick jewelry, and glow-in-the-dark books and stickers. We’d have glow-in-the-dark parties, playing with all of these toys. We also would play with the flashlights and make shadows on the wall. This helped them to understand the concept of shadows and eliminated their fear of shadows. Our girls got to a place where they were excited to turn off the lights and were no longer afraid of the dark.

Return to Your Bed

It’s very tempting to stay in your child’s room until she’s fully asleep or bring her into your room after a nightmare. There’s nothing wrong with doing this occasionally, but if it becomes a habit, you are way more likely to start hearing from your child every night. This isn’t good for her sleep, or yours. Comfort your child until you can see that she’s calm, remind her that you’re down the hall, review her self-soothing strategies, and gently walk out of the room. Most children return to sleep after this, especially if they know that you sleeping with them, or climbing in bed with you, is not an option.

If your child says she will not stay in bed, cries when you leave, or climbs out of bed to follow, tell her that you’ll check on her in 5 minutes and use your Reverse Sleep Wave to do so. Make sure to review all of your strategies for calming down after a bad dream with her, both during the day and at night.

Process the Fears

You can talk about fears of the dark and bad dreams during the day. Just keep in mind that although dreams can feel very intense, they can also slip from memory very quickly (think about how infrequently you remember your own dreams). If your child is willing to talk about or draw pictures of dreams during the day, that’s great (you could open the conversation by talking about your own dreams, too, kids love to hear us talk about our experiences). But if she doesn’t remember or doesn’t want to talk about it, don’t press. Just review soothing strategies before bed again that night.

Avoid Scary TV Shows and Movies

We live in a world where scary media is absolutely everywhere, even often in the middle of a children’s film. Little children should never watch truly scary shows or movies, despite how common they are. Also, if your child is scared of a scene or portion of a movie or show, respect his fear and fast-forward or help him leave the room during the scary part. Little kids are too young to grasp the difference between made-up scary and real scary. These images and themes can definitely contribute to nightmares.

Night Terrors

Night terrors are different from nightmares. A nightmare is a scary dream that typically happens during REM (rapid eye movement) sleep, and often during the last half of the night (when the most REM sleep occurs). During a nightmare, your child can wake up, cry, call for you, be afraid, and tell you what happened in the dream or why she’s upset. After some time, with your comfort, your child calms down. Kids often remember the event the next morning (even if they don’t remember the dream itself).

Night terrors (also called confusional arousals or sleep terrors) are periods in which your child cries, whines, yells, and can move around in her bed, even with her eyes open, but she is not fully awake. Night terrors can be very disturbing for parents because a child having a night terror seems incredibly upset and fearful, but is inconsolable and doesn’t wake up. This can last a few minutes or sometimes a longer period, after which the child often goes back to sleep without ever fully waking up at all. Even if your child does wake up, she probably won’t remember the episode in the morning.

Night terrors happen in the transition out of deep sleep (non-REM sleep) and usually at the end of the child’s first sleep cycle—that is, in the first couple of hours after bedtime. Since a night terror doesn’t occur in REM sleep, it’s not a bad dream; it’s more like your child is in a dissociated state, caught between a deep sleep and wakefulness. In fact, brain activity during a night terror suggests that the brain is in different states of waking and sleeping simultaneously.

It can be really upsetting to see your child having a night terror, especially if you don’t know what’s happening. Your instinct is to hug, hold, or try to wake your child up. This usually doesn’t work, though (in fact, you might find it makes it worse). If that’s the case, just sit next to your child, stay with him through the episode, and make sure he doesn’t hurt himself, for example, by falling out of bed.

Generally night terrors aren’t something to worry about. They’re thought to have a genetic component, so they can run in families. Sleep deprivation or irregular sleeping schedules may also trigger episodes of night terrors in kids who are predisposed. Sleep apnea (a disorder in which obstructed breathing causes a person to wake up briefly but repeatedly throughout the night) can also be a trigger for night terrors. Night terrors usually resolve on their own, but it’s a good idea to mention them to your pediatrician if they happen frequently.

Nightmares	Night Terrors
Last half of the night	First half of the night
Occur in REM sleep	Occur in non-REM (deep) sleep
Child is awake	Child isn’t fully awake
Child can usually be calmed down	Child can’t be consoled
Child usually remembers the next morning	Child doesn’t remember the episode

Bumps in the Road for Toddlers

Life will sometimes throw your child’s sleep off course for a bit. As you read through this section, notice these four steps emerging as a common theme when dealing with sleep regression or, ideally, heading it off before it begins.

1. Prepare your child for the change.

2. Only tackle one big change at a time (if you can help it).

3. Add 10 to 15 minutes to your calming bedtime routine.

4. Your child needs you to hold on to the steps of the Sleep Wave.

Starting a New School

This can be a big transition for many kids and can temporarily affect their sleep. Do all that you can to ease the transition for your child. Visit her school with her so that she grows accustomed to the new people and setting. Playact “schooltime” at home with her stuffed animals. Make her a personalized little book (or use a website where they make it for you) describing her new schedule and activities and, most important, make sure to have her connect with a particular teacher or classmate at the school. Don’t plan to make any big changes in sleep or anything else while she is transitioning to school.

She may need 15 to 20 minutes of extra book and cuddle time during your bedtime routine for a week or two as she copes with all the change, so start a little earlier than usual. You can include a book about starting school, tell her stories about when you experienced the same thing, or discuss her ups and downs from the day. You may also find her taking a little longer to fall asleep, or waking more often at night. This is normal and temporary. Stick to your Sleep Wave strategies, do your 5-minute checks if she’s crying, and she will be back on track before you know it. It’s common for parents to revert to lying down with their child until she is asleep or bringing her into the parents’ bed, but resist doing either of these. What your child needs from you during a big change is to hold on to the predictable structure of how bedtime unfolds. The undoing of them can be daunting and the lack of sleep that comes as a result will make it even harder for your child to adapt to her new school.

New Baby on the Way

No doubt this is one of the most significant transitions for your child. Imagine that your spouse came home one day and you introduced him to your new second husband (or wife) and told him he would love this new mate of yours and to play nicely with him! Not easy for many little ones to adapt smoothly. Create a photo book for your child about his own birth and infanthood, put some of his baby photos around the house where he can see them, get a realistic baby doll and show him how you took care of him, read lots of books about what a new baby is like, and share the plan with him for what will happen when the birth takes place (let him choose some elements of the plan, like which pjs or books to pack for the new baby, as well as for his routine at home). You get the idea—there’s much you can do to prepare and you will tailor it for your child’s age and personality.

Read Chapter 6 for bedtime routines and tips with multiple children.

Steps 2, 3, and 4 are essentially identical to the way you would approach starting a new school, above.

HELPING A TODDLER ADJUST TO NEW BABY

Jennifer: Thanks to the Sleep Wave, Morton had been sleeping 10 to 11 hours through the night since he was 4 months old. He was 12 months old when we brought home baby Mack. Starting the first night his brother was at home, Morton began waking at 2:00 a.m. with screams and crying that lasted 2 to 3 hours. This went on for five to six weeks. We started spending extra quality time with Morton, and I also spent an extra 5 to 10 minutes with him in his room just before helping him into his crib. It helped us all and put a stop to the early morning waking.

Moving

Moving can be exciting, but it is also a stressful time for the whole family. Preparing your child will include maintaining as much familiarity as possible, while helping her adapt to all of the inevitable new stuff. Visit the new home a few times, if possible, and spend some fun time playing there. Make her a book about moving day, with photos of her old and new home and room. Talk about how it may feel to move and how you will feel sad to say good-bye to the old home. Let her know that it’s normal to miss the old and feel excited about the new at the same time. Pack a special moving carton for her (have her help if she’s old enough) with everything she’ll need and want right away. This may include her bedding, curtains, pjs, favorite toys and stuffed animals, special books, and anything else in her bedroom that will make the new room feel familiar. Let her witness a bit of the move (when the truck arrives and a few minutes of the move on both ends), but, if possible, have someone care for her during the bulk of the move. When she arrives at the new home, either have her room already set up or, if she’s old enough, have her help a bit. Spend some time playing and lounging in her new room so it begins to feel comfy and familiar to her. If she is sad or cries about missing her old home, empathize and let her know it’s normal to feel this way.

Again, steps 2, 3, and 4 are essentially identical to the above scenarios. You’ll find a way to tailor them to your family’s unique needs.

Company in the House

How fun to have Grandma and Grandpa or a favorite bunch of cousins come to visit! But where will everyone sleep and what will this mean for all of your meticulous work on bedtime, consistency, and structure? Preparing for company will depend on many things, including your space, your child’s temperament (flexibility), and what activities you’ll all be doing. It’s good for kids to flex and adapt to change, within reason. This may mean having cousins sleep in their room with them or moving their crib to an office or hallway so someone can use their room. Try to choose the plan with as little disruption as possible and, above all, avoid resorting to the most difficult sleep associations to undo, such as lying down with your child until she falls asleep. If the best sleeping arrangements are for your child to sleep in your bed, tell her that this is a special time, mark how many days it will be on the calendar, and count down those days until the transition back to normal sleep (in her own bed). If your child has a history of difficulty sleeping on her own, it’s a good idea to avoid bringing her into your bed at all; in this case, find another setup so that it doesn’t confuse her and make her sleep regress. Try to minimize disruptions in routines and bedtimes. Your visitors can take part in reading books and singing songs, and once your little one is sleeping, you can enjoy some grown-up conversation. Many parents love the idea of holding the naptime structure, as this also gives them a chance to bow out for a little break and rest.

Review steps 2 to 4 above for adjusting back to your normal routine after your company has departed.

TROUBLESHOOTING

My child is potty training. What should I do for sleep?

Wily little toddlers, how well they can sense a chink in our armor! Many parents have told us that while they can set limits on more sips of water or just one more book or song, when it comes to “I gotta go potty,” all of their resolve goes out the window and bedtime often extends into an endless parade of trips to the potty.

For most children, including the last trip to the potty as part of the “last call for stuff” is the most effective approach to a smooth bedtime. After “last call,” on goes the pull-up diaper and into bed until morning. Once your child is reliably waking up dry in the morning (make a pee trip first thing), you can move to cotton training pants (with a plastic cover and/or waterproof pad on the bed as well) and eventually to big girl or boy underpants. It’s perfectly fine to have your child wearing underwear and using the potty during the day, but wearing a diaper or pull-up at night until he reliably wakes up dry (that could be a year or more later than when he finishes daytime potty training).

Occasionally we hear of a child who is allowed to get up during the evening or night to potty and does just fine, going right back to sleep. Other parents wake their child up to use the potty right before they themselves go to bed at 10:00 or 11:00 p.m. If either of these approaches works, without disrupting or decreasing sleep for anyone, it’s perfectly fine. However, in our experience most toddlers and young children don’t fit this description and will either get up over and over at bedtime or be incredibly unhappy if we try to wake them to use the potty in the middle of the night.

My child climbed out of the crib. What do I do?

Read “Moving from Crib to Big Bed”.

My child was sleeping well and now he’s not. What do I do?

It is indeed shocking how quickly your toddler and older child’s good sleep patterns can be thrown off course. For example, you take a trip where the family is all sleeping in the same room, in a different time zone, or in a place where any crying would disrupt others (or all three!); your little one gets sick and then has a hard time going back to the usual sleep pattern; a nightmare interrupts your toddler’s sleep and you bring her into your bed; or any significant transition happens, like a new caretaker, parents separate or divorce, company comes to visit, child spends the night with grandparents, and so forth. After any of these common life events, your child may very well develop a new set of unhelpful sleep associations.

The two most common unhelpful sleep associations are the parent lying down in the child’s room until she falls asleep, and bringing the child into the parents’ bed to sleep.

Do your best during any of the above disruptions to not regress any more than absolutely necessary. Unhelpful sleep associations develop almost instantly for little kids. Knowing this will motivate you to avoid them if possible.

The less you resort to overhelping, the easier to get back on track once the disruption is over. If you have regressed all the way to the point where your child now expects you to either stay in her room until she falls asleep or bring her into your bed at any point during the night, don’t worry. Go back to the Sleep Wave and Reverse Sleep Wave, and recommit to the consistent plan.

My child comes into our bed at 5:00 a.m. every morning. Is that a problem?

We always say that there is no one right way to sleep. Ask yourself, (1) Is everyone sleeping well? and (2) Is everyone okay with this plan? Is it working for the family?

If the answers are yes, than you don’t need to change a thing. Some families sleep a full night with their kids coming into bed early in the morning because both kids and grown-ups easily fall back to sleep (or, even better, parents never wake up to begin with). If your child comes into your bed, and you are sleeping 7 to 8 hours and your child is sleeping 11 (or his full sleep requirement), you’re good to go. If your early morning bed companion disrupts sleep for one or more in the family, then review the “waking too early” steps.

Will one night in our bed set us back in terms of good sleep habits?

This really depends on your child. Some kids can sleep in their parents’ bed (when traveling, if having a nightmare, or with visitors in the house) and then go straight back to sleeping in their own room. It’s best to be consistent during a period when you’re changing a sleep pattern and establishing independent sleep. After this, lots of families enjoy cuddling up together (although the proclivity for rolling and perpendicular sleeping make kids not the best bed partners).

My child will only nap in her stroller. Is that okay?

It’s not likely that your child will sleep as long or have as good-quality sleep in her stroller or car seat as she would in her bed. Review the section on naps and use the Sleep Wave checks to respond to her if she cries when you put her down for a nap. Remember that a consistent nap schedule and short nap routine are important to help prepare and cue your child’s body for sleep.

Should we take the paci away from our 2½-year-old daughter? My dentist says we should but it really helps her sleep.

It’s true that by this age, ending paci use is best for your child’s teeth. The good news is that your child needs the paci for sleep less than you think. She’s “used to” having it but doesn’t really “need” it. Choose a day when you pack up all the pacis to “send them to a younger baby.” Empathize that saying good-bye to them is hard and help her choose a new stuffed animal or cozy pj’s to add to her self-soothing repertoire. You may have a few bumpy nights, but stick to your sleep plan and she will adapt.