6.

Special Circumstances

Co-Sleeping and Bed Sharing

Daylight Saving Time

Travel and Time Zone Changes

Multiple Children or Close Living Quarters

Twins and More

Working with Child Care Providers

Going Back to Work

Single Parenting

Co-Sleeping and Bed Sharing

The term “co-sleeping” means to sleep in close proximity to your baby—either in a co-sleeper, bassinet, or crib in your bedroom. Having your baby in close proximity is the American Academy of Pediatrics recommended way for your newborn to sleep.

“Bed sharing” or having a “family bed” means that you share a sleep surface with your baby or child. Interestingly, most families don’t identify themselves as bed sharing, but in our experience (and research backs us up here), having baby in bed with parents is incredibly common. So many families do it, but people don’t usually talk about it. This is probably because advice on bed sharing tends to be polarized—either being fully supported and endorsed as the best practice, or presented as an unsafe “no-no.”

Here we’ll offer you a reasonable, well-rounded look at the question of bed sharing and either help you do it in the safest, most sleep-conducive way, or figure out how to transition to independent sleep if you wish.

BABIES SLEEP WITH THEIR PARENTS FOR DIFFERENT REASONS:

• Parents plan to share a bed with their baby for an extended period of time, or as long as everyone is getting enough sleep.
• Parents plan to share a bed for the first 3 to 4 months or so, and then move baby into her own crib and room.
• Parents plan to put baby down in her crib, in her own room at bedtime and then bring her into the parents’ bed during the night. An older child might move himself to the parents’ room in the middle of the night or early morning and finish sleeping there.
• Parents don’t have a clear plan but find themselves bringing their baby or older child into their bed because nothing else seems to be working.

In the first three scenarios, parents are making the choice to share a bed, while in the last scenario bed sharing is a reaction to a sleep issue.

When people ask for our advice on their sleep arrangements, we start by asking two questions: (1) Is everyone sleeping well, including both parents and baby? and (2) Is everyone in the family happy with the arrangement? If the answer to both is yes, there’s no reason to change a thing, as long as all safety rules are being carefully followed. Especially in the newborn months, having your baby in the bed can be convenient for feeding and actually help everyone sleep (and let’s face it, some babies are like heat-seeking missiles bent on proximity). There are valid concerns and downsides to sharing a sleep surface with your child, though. Here is an overview of the pros and cons to sharing a bed.

THE BENEFITS OF HAVING BABY IN YOUR BED:

• Breast-feeding: More frequent arousals (see below), Mom’s smell, and close proximity mean that nursing gets a boost when Mom and baby are sleeping together. Sharing a bed or having your baby in a co-sleeper also means that you don’t have to get out of bed to nurse your baby throughout the night.
• Physiological benefits: Some studies have shown that Mom and baby sleep is altered slightly when sleeping in close proximity. For example, babies have less deep sleep and more frequent arousals when they’re close to Mom—both of which may be protective against SIDS.
• Bonding: Having baby next to you feels good to some parents, especially those who may not feel like they have enough time with their baby during the day.
• It’s not forever: Whether or not your baby tucks in with you in the first months of life doesn’t mean anything about her future sleep habits. If bed sharing works for you, don’t worry that you’ll be sleeping with your elementary schooler. It’s true that changing a sleep pattern can take work, especially if your child is older and more aware, but if you’re consistent, you can absolutely do it.

BENEFITS OF BABY SLEEPING ON HER OWN:

• Safety: The biggest consideration when it comes to sharing a bed is your baby’s safety, which is why the American Academy of Pediatrics recommends sharing a room with your newborn, but not a sleep surface. In our experience, many people who don’t plan to have their baby in bed end up this way unintentionally—and these families are less likely to fully research or understand the safety information for bed sharing (whereas people who plan to share a bed often investigate this topic in preparation). If you are bed sharing (whether you mean to or not!), it’s very important to read all of the current safety information very thoroughly and follow all recommendations. See resources in the citations at the end of the book. These are a good place to start your research.
• Parents’ sleep quality: Your baby spends less time in deep sleep when you’re right next to her, and you might, too. Some parents (especially moms) don’t sleep as soundly with baby nearby, and babies can be noisy! If this is the case, you might decide to move your baby to another sleep surface in the same room, or transition her to another room when you’re ready. Your sleep and your partner’s are very important.
• Grown-up time: If you’re sleeping with your baby, will you and your partner have alone time in the evenings? It can be hard to foster self-soothing in a baby who is sharing a bed, so many parents start to either keep baby up until they go to bed, or lie down with their child until she’s asleep (dozing off themselves in the process). Having grown-up time at night is a good idea, so you might consider putting your baby down in a crib for the first portion of the evening and bringing her into your bed if she wakes up in the middle of the night.

Many parents worry that if they share a bed with their baby, the baby will have a hard time learning to sleep independently. It’s true that your older baby or toddler might have feelings about moving to her own bed (or she may welcome the idea—you never know), but as with all aspects of sleep, if you’re confident and consistent, she will make the transition just fine.

Improving Sleep When You’re Bed Sharing

This section is for families who are choosing to share a bed for all or part of the night.

0 to 4 Months

All of the concepts in Chapter 3 for helping babies move gradually toward self-soothing can also be applied when sharing a bed. For example, to use the Soothing Ladder with your bed-sharing baby, you’ll try shushing, patting, jiggling, replacing the pacifier, and other steps on the ladder before picking her up and feeding her when she wakes. In addition, the following strategies for improving self-soothing (which also happen to be the most crucial ones for all little sleepers) apply but need a little more explanation when sharing sleep.

Put Your Baby down Awake

Look for opportunities to practice putting your baby down awake at least once a day. When sharing sleep, this often involves ending a feeding, whether breast or bottle, before baby falls asleep. Watch closely, and when slow swallows turn to quick flutters, take your baby gently off the breast or bottle and let him finish falling asleep. Even if you’ve been nursing all the way to sleep for a while, you can shift to this approach. When you first do this, it’s often necessary to put your baby back on and off the breast or bottle over and over, until he finally falls asleep without it. Each time you try this method, the number of repetitions should decrease. It can be pretty tricky, as it requires you to stay awake and pay attention to the feeding.

Discern Your Baby’s Sounds

If baby is fussing, whining, grunting, or squawking, resist the urge to swoop in. Babies can be very noisy on their way to self-soothing. This is especially difficult when the little noisemaker is right there next to you. It’s a natural impulse to immediately start patting or shushing. As hard as it is, practice playing possum and see if your baby can fall back to sleep without your help. Every time she does, she is strengthening this ability.

Don’t Overhelp

If your baby wakes up at night, be curious about the least intrusive thing you can do to settle her (see “The Soothing Ladder Method”). Resist responding right away and stay curious about what, over time, your baby may be capable of. Last night, he may have needed that pat, pat, pat, whereas tonight he may fall back to sleep without it. Don’t let baby cry for long, though. For the first 4 months, we don’t recommend letting your baby cry for more than roughly 1 minute.

5 Months to 2 Years

The Sleep Wave, described in Chapter 4, can be applied when your baby is going to sleep in her crib or co-sleeper for naps, at initial bedtime, and during the first stretch of the night, while you’re still up and before you bring her into your bed (your baby should not be put to bed alone in your bed). What’s harder is keeping the pattern consistent when your baby wakes during the night in bed with you.

You can also choose to use the gradual weaning formula, to wean from some or all night feedings. This is challenging with baby in your bed, but it’s possible and can improve sleep significantly. If Mom is nursing, it’s helpful that she wear a nursing top of some kind, so that the milk supply can be “put away” once the feed is over or once it is completely weaned.

If you continue to bed share once your baby can move around and roll, it’s important to ensure that she doesn’t fall out of bed, whether you’re there in the bed with her or not. Options include bed rails and putting your mattress on the floor with a rug or carpet around the edges. It’s also key to never have any crevices where your baby could get trapped, between the bed and the wall, headboard, or anything. Don’t use pillows or anything soft to form a barrier to keep your baby from falling out of the bed. Make sure to do your own research and find the best resources for safe bed sharing.

Moving Your Child to Her Own Room

If you decide that you want your baby or child to start sleeping independently, you can make this change by following a consistent plan. Based on your child’s age and personality, this process will be different; some will have more trouble getting used to the new setup, while others may even sleep better and welcome the space at night.

Moving a Baby

1. Make sure that you’ve read the Healthy Sleep Habits section for your baby’s age and put these building blocks in place.

2. The first step is to help your baby get comfortable in his room. Spend time playing there and make sure that your baby is familiar with his room. Ideally, he can even spend a little alone time napping or playing in his crib during the day.

3. Start the move gradually, by putting your baby down for his first stretch of nighttime sleep in his own room. For a week or two, you might decide to bring him into bed after the first waking. Gradually, see if you can put him down again in his crib in the middle of the night, after feeding or soothing him. For a while you may end up with your baby in bed with you by the time morning comes. With this gradual approach, though, your baby is growing familiar with his room and practicing self-soothing. Eventually, you may have to use the Sleep Wave to help your baby over the last hump of sleeping independently.

MOVING LITTLE ROUX TO HER OWN ROOM

Kelly: Sweet, peaceful bed sharing when Roux was a young baby had shifted to sleepless nights for all of us as she became an alert older baby who woke frequently during the night. By the time she was about 6 months, I was bleary-eyed and barely functioning from sleep deprivation. It was time to move her into her own room. I wasn’t ready to wean, and I didn’t mind having her join us at some point in the night (as we gradually got her used to her own room)—I just wanted her to start by learning how to fall asleep on her own. Establishing that pattern was a big victory. We’ve all been sleeping better and I still get lots of cuddles in during the day!

Moving a Toddler

If you’re moving a toddler or older child into his own room, there are a few options:

1. Make sure you’ve read the Healthy Sleep Habits section for your child’s age and put these building blocks in place.

2. Start by getting your child used to playing and spending time in his bedroom. Create positive associations and maybe even do some shadow play with flashlights or glow sticks in the dark. Make sure to do at least the last several steps of his bedtime routine (child-led play, books, and songs, for example) in his room, while gradually dimming the lights.

3. Try using the Reverse Sleep Wave to help your child fall asleep independently in his own room at bedtime—you may be surprised by what he’s capable of.

4. The process for moving your toddler can be the same as with a baby: Have your child nap in his own room, or start the night in his own room, and then for a week, transfer him to your bed if he wakes up. This is a better idea than letting your child fall asleep in your bed and then transferring him while asleep (don’t bait and switch—your child should go to bed as a conscious participant). After one to two weeks, if your child is still waking up in the night, you can use the Sleep Wave as presented in Chapter 3 or 4 (depending on his age) to help him return to sleep on his own and sleep independently for the full night.

5. Another choice is to gradually wean your child out of your room. This looks much like “The Gradual Parent Wean”, only your child is the one inching out of your room. It will work best with a verbal child. Making it very gradual is most effective.

6. Make sure that no matter what approach you choose, you acknowledge your child’s progress and new ability. “Hey, you slept in your room last night! How was that?” or say to your partner at breakfast (so your child can hear), “Did you notice that Max fell asleep last night in his room? When I checked in on him, he looked pretty cozy!” Also make sure that your child has a blankie, lovey, or stuffed animal he likes, as well as a quiet, dark, comfortable bedroom.

Daylight Saving Time

Love it or dread it, daylight saving time is one of those facts of life that we have to adjust to. There are different ways to approach daylight saving time.

Jump Right to the New Time

You can have your child simply jump to the new time. This often works just fine for older kids, who might feel a little groggy for a few days while they adjust. If you’re doing it this way and the time is springing forward, your child may go to bed a little later according to the new time on Sunday night (after the time change) because his body won’t yet be tired. Wake your child at his usual waking time on Monday, according to the new time, so that his body starts the adjustment. That night he will most likely be able to fall asleep at his regular bedtime. If the time is falling back, you can just put your child to bed at the time according to the clock on Sunday night and he will most likely be very tired.

Another approach is to anticipate the change and help your baby gradually shift to the new time.

Shifting Your Baby Gradually

(QUICK SUMMARY):

• Spring forward: What used to be 6:00 p.m. will now be 7:00 p.m., so your child won’t quite be ready for sleep at his usual bedtime. For a few days before the change, adjust sleep times a little earlier each day in anticipation.
• Fall back: What used to be 8:00 p.m. will now be 7:00 p.m., so your child will be sleepy before it’s bedtime. Adjust sleep times a little later each day in anticipation.

STEPS FOR SHIFTING YOUR BABY GRADUALLY:

1. Start by assessing your baby’s current sleep schedule and figuring out what the time change will mean.

• If your baby’s schedule is just where you want it, you’ll help her adjust to the new time.
• If your baby’s current schedule is off and the time change will help (for example, it’s fall and you want him to go to bed an hour earlier or it’s spring and you want her to go to bed an hour later), you’re in luck. You will be able to shift your baby immediately to the new time. It will still be very important to pay attention to blocking out daylight and keeping bedtime and naptime routines consistent.
• If your baby’s schedule is off in a direction where the time change will make it even worse, adjust slowly to the new time and then continue gradually until you’ve reached the desired bedtime. One of the most daunting scenarios is when it’s fall and your baby is already waking up way too early in the a.m.

2. Decide the rate of adjustment ideal for your individual child. Babies tend to have a harder time with the change, while some older kids can jump to the new time the way we do. If your baby is easygoing and flexible, you can choose the faster (20 minutes per day) adjustment. If your baby is more sensitive to change, you can choose the slower adjustment (10 minutes per day).

SPRING FORWARD

• Depending on the rate of adjustment you’ve chosen, you can start three, four, or six days before the time change. You will start your bedtime routine and put your baby to sleep 20, 15, or 10 minutes earlier each day. You will do the same for naps, if your baby has a nap schedule. If not, continue to use the “span of awake time or 90-minute” method for naps. It will take you three, four, or six days to reach the 1-hour mark, depending on how gradually you shift.
• If your baby hasn’t completely adjusted by the time daylight saving time arrives, just continue the adjustment during the next week.

FALL BACK:

• Depending on the rate of adjustment you’ve chosen, you can start three, four, or six days before the time change. You will start your bedtime routine and put your baby to sleep 20, 15, or 10 minutes later each day. It will take you three, four, or six days to reach the 1-hour mark, depending on how gradually you shift.
• If your baby hasn’t completely adjusted by the time daylight saving time arrives, just continue the adjustment during the next week.

3. Remember routines and environment. Keep bedtime and naptime routines in place and predicable. All that effort and consistency will pay off now, as these cues help your baby adjust to the new time. Also make baby’s room very dark. Light creeping in earlier in the morning or lingering into the summer evening can add to baby’s challenge to adjust to the new time.

Travel and Time Zone Changes

Generally, it’s parents who get anxious about travel and how it will affect baby’s sleep. But remember that babies don’t know that travel can be stressful—they’re just living in the moment and enjoying the new sights. Depending on the age and sensitivity of your little one, in addition to the location and length of your travel, there are many things you can do to smooth the way to optimal sleep during your trip.

Travel and Sleep

• Bring your baby’s familiar sheet, lovey, pj’s, and anything else that will remind him of his sleep environment at home. This will become more important the older he gets.
• Bring dark trash bags and painter’s tape to put over the windows of the place your baby will be sleeping. If you’re staying with friends or family, ask your hosts if they have what you need to make the room sleep conducive (dark curtains or blankets to cover windows, or a fan if your baby is used to this), and ideally have this set up before you arrive if you’re arriving at night.
• Bring a carrier or sling on board an airplane. Your baby may need you to walk the aisles with her to fall asleep.
• Many parents use a portable crib (Pack ’n Play) as baby’s bed away from home. Put it up at home and maybe even use it once or twice so baby is familiar with this alternate sleep/play place.
• Find as quiet and dark a spot as you can for baby’s sleeping spot. A mom once told us she put her baby’s bed in a large closet in her hotel room and her baby slept better than she ever had! You can use a large bathroom as well.
• Do everything possible to maintain your curious stance and give your baby some space, at the same time knowing that it’s normal for sleep to regress during travel. Be prepared to put the Sleep Wave back into place, if need be, once you get home. The biggest mistake we see is that the overhelping associations, which began during travel, continue once the family is back home.
• Should you use the Sleep Wave while you’re traveling? Use your judgment about this. If you think that your baby or child is familiar enough with the surroundings and her sleeping space (one reason it helps to bring a familiar portable crib, her loveys, and so forth), you can use your 5-minute checks to respond to her if she cries. Just be extra sensitive about this and know that she may need a little warm-up time in the new environment before she can be expected to sleep independently. That might mean playing in the room for a while, doing a rehearsal with stuffed animals, or talking through the routine with your child. If your child is over 2 years old, you may also want to use the Reverse Sleep Wave.

Time Zone Changes

• If the trip is under a week, you may never need to shift your baby or child to the new time. For example, if you’re traveling from California to New York, your baby’s internal clock will tell her it’s her normal 7:00 p.m. bedtime when the New York clock says 10:00 p.m. If that works for you and it’s a short trip, you might want to just keep her on that time. Use blankets, blackout fabric, or garbage bags to cover the windows and block early morning light.
• If the trip is longer, or has a big time zone change, shift your baby gradually to the new time. Use daylight to stimulate and reset her internal clock. In general, babies adjust at least as quickly as we do to such a significant change, which is about a day for every hour of time difference. Give yourselves time to adjust at the beginning of a big trip and try not to plan major activities right away. As soon as you arrive back home, begin to shift back to your normal schedule.

Multiple Children or Close Living Quarters

Using the Sleep Wave When You Have Multiple Children

If you’re using the Sleep Wave and you have multiple kids or limited space in your home, it brings up some logistical issues.

If your children share a room and you want to work on sleep with one or both of them, you can opt to temporarily move one baby or child to a new sleeping space. For example, if you have a 3-year-old and a 7-month-old in a two-bedroom home, you might be wondering how to let your 7-month-old practice falling asleep without disrupting his sibling too much. There are lots of creative solutions to this issue. For example:

• Move your older child into your room temporarily, while you use the Sleep Wave so that baby can learn to fall asleep independently and/or sleep through the night in the kids’ room. This could mean moving your child onto a mattress on the floor in your room. Once your baby is sleeping well, move your older child back. Make sure to let her know (and periodically remind her, even estimate it on the calendar!) that this is a temporary adventure and that she’ll soon be sleeping in her room again.
• Move your baby somewhere else in the house while you use the Sleep Wave. We’ve seen families do this in many ways, for example, by converting a walk-in closet (make sure there are no shelves above your baby with items that could fall), using a screen in the parents’ bedroom to divide the space, or keeping baby in the hallway or even in a large bathroom temporarily. These options aren’t optimal, of course, because your baby is learning to sleep in a different environment than the one she will be in long-term, but it will still help her practice self-soothing, and she will now sleep better when you put the two kids back together.

If you have one child but don’t have an extra bedroom, you can also opt to set up another place in the house, such as a large closet or a screen dividing the bedroom or living room, while you’re working on sleep (or as a permanent solution—babies don’t mind small spaces, as long as they are safe and get enough ventilation). You can also have one or both partners sleep in the living room while implementing the Sleep Wave in your room. Separating baby from parents works well when you’re using the Sleep Wave, because by 4 to 5 months most babies are very aware of and activated by parents’ presence. Being in the same room makes it much harder for baby to learn the new pattern (Mom or Dad responding, but baby is responsible for the soothing now). This is often especially difficult during that dreaded 5:00 a.m. wakening, when most babies have a hard time anyway.

If you temporarily move out of your room, once your baby has practice with falling asleep independently and sleeping through the night, she’s more likely to do this when you move back into your room again. When you move back into your room, be ready to do some 5-minute checks if your baby really cries, because your presence sleeping in the room again may disrupt her sleep initially. It’s always possible for babies to share rooms with parents (of course, it’s a perfectly natural way to sleep), but it does mean being very consistent with the Sleep Wave, and it takes some getting used to for both you and your baby.

If you’re worried about noise, you can let your neighbors or other family members know that your baby is practicing falling asleep and that there may be a few nights in which they hear some protesting and crying (earplugs and a basket of goodies couldn’t hurt). Explain this in advance. Use white noise, such as a low fan, for siblings if they need it.

Bedtime Tips for Multiple Children

Especially when you have a young baby and a toddler or older child, it can feel confusing to know what to do before bed to accommodate the needs of all kids. The dinner-to-bedtime hours are often the most challenging—it’s normal to feel like chaos, frustration, and exhaustion rule at this time of day.

In the beginning, one or the other child may seem to get the short end of the stick—either you’re spending all of your time attending to your baby and you’re missing your older child, or your older child’s routine is very set, and you feel like your baby doesn’t get a proper bedtime routine. It’s tricky to meet both kids’ needs. In the beginning, you may have to keep your baby’s routine very simple, and tote her along with you while you take care of your older child. As she gets toward 6 to 7 months, you will be able to do both bedtime routines more or less in sync. Happily, a baby and older kid can actually do well with the same bedtime, around 7:30 p.m.

EXAMPLE OF ROUTINE FOR BABY AND OLDER CHILD TOGETHER

• Bathe both kids (if you can manage this safely—otherwise, bathe one at a time or one child at a different time of day).
• Put pajamas on both baby and child.
• Set your older child up with a book in bed while you feed your baby (if this is hard, make a bedtime chart, so that your older child knows the routine well, and use a lot of positive encouragement). If you have a young toddler, set him up with an engaging toy.
• Take baby to her room, sing song, place her in bed.
• Come back to your older child and finish story time, give kisses, and say good night.

Heather: When my son was a baby, his bedtime routine was a long, carefully crafted affair of bath, infant massage, multiple books, and songs. But when my daughter was born, we didn’t have time for this Cadillac of routines focused only on her. I’d give her a bath along with her brother, put her pajamas on, feed her, sing her one song, and put her in the crib. Amazingly, I realized one night that every time I walked into the bedroom with her and turned the doorknob, just so, while saying “good night” softly to the rest of the house, she started to yawn—every night, almost on command! One night when my dad was over, I even asked him to step inside the door and watch. Sure enough, on cue, she yawned. He couldn’t believe it. Her “routine” was my entering the room, saying the same words in a calm tone, turning the doorknob, turning on the fan, and closing the blinds in the room. The point is that you don’t need an extravagant routine for it to be a powerful one.

TIPS TO KEEP IN MIND FOR YOUR FAMILY BEDTIME ROUTINE:

1. Plan, plan, plan. The key to smooth, peaceful, and predictable bedtime is planning. Start your bedtime routine at the same time every night, and keep it very consistent—this works with your children’s internal clocks and helps everyone in the family know exactly what to expect night to night. Make a chart, or a list (you may want to make a quick list every day, if you have a lot of naps and schedules to juggle). Naps and sleep are much more erratic with a newborn, but as your baby’s sleep times become regular, your routine will, too. A picture chart for your older child of the steps involved in the bedtime routine can be helpful.

2. Be creative. Engage your little and big helpers. There are lots of possibilities for how to approach bedtime, depending on ages, temperaments, and who you have there to help you. If your partner is there during bedtime, it’s an opportunity for each parent to share a little one-on-one time with each child. If you’re flying solo, you may put some novel toys or a cardboard box in your toddler’s play yard while you put the baby down or have baby on a play mat or bouncy chair while you get your toddler out of the tub and into pj’s. You can wear your baby or even nurse her while you read a book, sing a song, and say good night to your toddler. Or, you can have your toddler “help” you sing the last song and say night night softly to baby (most toddlers would like it to be in this order, but they have to stay quiet and calm during the baby’s routine). Along the way, prepare your kids for the steps to come.

It may seem like the easiest solution, but try to avoid having your toddler watch TV or use another electronic device during this time (except, of course, do what you need to when you have a newborn in the house). Remember that becoming competent, significant, and included members of the family are primary needs of kids. It’s an opportunity for your children to practice resourcefulness and patience as they wait to get their needs met. Stay curious—think, “What will happen if we don’t turn on the TV?” You may be surprised at your little one’s ability to rise to the occasion.

3. Your children are sensitive to your emotional state. Take good care of yourself so that you can be as present and calm as is humanly possible. Start the bedtime routine early so you’re not rushing, dim the lights, put on music, and add another step in your routine that you really enjoy, like taking a walk around the block together after dinner. You could even start your routine with a creative deep-breathing game for you and the kids. As your children grow and mature, you will create routines that are sweet and effective. You may even find yourself looking forward to bedtime routines.

Twins and More

When many of us see a new parent with twins, our jaws literally drop. Having one child feels overwhelming as it is; it’s hard to imagine doubling it. How you adjust your sleep approach with twins will depend on several things.

• Are they identical or fraternal?
• What level of outside help will you have?
• Is your partner available for feedings during the night?

Scheduling Rules

Establish a shared feeding and napping schedule. This is in contrast to the approach of on-demand feeding and unpredictable sleep schedules for newborn singletons.

1. Eat together. Babies who feed at the same times, day and night, are likely to sleep at the same times. If you’re breast-feeding and super-skilled at it, you may be able to feed your twins at the same time, using the football hold (this one takes patience and practice). Other options are breast-feeding one baby while holding the bottle for the other or feeding both from bottles. Of course, ideally, you’re not alone and have helping arms to hold and feed one of your babies.

2. Snooze together. Put your babies down for naps at the same time. Identical twins tend to coordinate their schedules more easily than fraternal twins. Either way, as they grow and mature, they will be able to nap at the same time if you get them in a regular rhythm, which will allow you to have crucial time to rest and regroup before the next round. This also applies to sharing a bedtime routine and a set bedtime.

3. Wake baby up? It’s so rare that we recommend waking a baby, but many twin parents swear that you have to break this rule to create the above-mentioned coordination of sleep times. With this approach, you wake whomever is still sleeping at the end of a nap, so that both babies will be ready to go down together for the next nap or bedtime. This can also apply to morning wake-up time. In order to keep the first nap on schedule, many twin parents will wake their babies at a certain time, say between 6:00 and 7:00 a.m., ideally at least 11 hours after bedtime.

RULES AND WHEN TO BREAK THEM, FROM A TWIN EXPERT AND TWIN MOM HERSELF

Molly: Even if it seems ridiculously hard, most twin parents do keep their babies on the same schedule, which gives them some routine and predictability. We veered from this rule when we let Charlie, our better sleeper, nap a little longer, so that Will could have some one-on-one time with us. Plus, one cranky baby was easier than two cranky babies! My twins are 5 now and I’ve blocked out so much from when they were babies. I can’t say it enough: It’s really hard. Get all the help you possibly can!

One Crib or Two?

Sleep safety recommendations say to have your newborns sleep in your room, in a co-sleeper or crib, for the first 3 to 4 months. Don’t use a bassinet or Moses basket because twins can become overheated if they’re lying too close together. Twins can sleep together, side by side, on their backs in the same crib, until one of them can roll or move around. At that point, to be completely safe, they should be moved to separate cribs, ideally where they can see and hear each other, which is soothing and reassuring to them. You may worry that they’ll disrupt each other, but twins have an uncanny way of co-regulating, despite the frequent awakenings and cries.

Will It Ever Get Better?

Twins can be a tad behind on sleep development due to being born early. Rest assured that you can gradually hand over more and more of the soothing to your babies until they become independent sleepers. Just as with singletons, the key is to develop a curious stance rather than getting stuck overhelping. Sometimes twins end up being great sleepers because their parents are extra motivated to keep schedules very clear and regular.

Can I Use the Sleep Wave with Twins?

Absolutely! If your twins are 5 months (adjusted age if premature) or older and still not falling asleep on their own, the Sleep Wave is your ticket. Assuming your plan is to have both children sleep in the same room, in most cases it will help to separate them temporarily as you implement the Sleep Wave. Wait until they are both falling asleep independently to put them back in the same room together. We’ve had parents come up with creative solutions for separating their twins while implementing the Sleep Wave: one crib in the living room behind a screen, hallway, bathroom, or closet, while the other is in their bedroom. It is also possible to try to implement the Sleep Wave with both children in the same room, especially if they are used to tuning each other out and progress quickly with falling asleep independently. If you find that they are frequently disrupting each other, you can switch to separate rooms for a few nights.

When to Forget the Schedule

Some parents, especially those with fraternal twins, prefer to follow each baby’s cues around feeds and sleep times. In these cases, there is often one baby who is sleeping better and longer than the other. A plus is that parents have more opportunities to give each baby some much-needed individual attention. This approach is also easier to adopt if you have a nanny or family member with you so you can tag team.

TWINS PROGRESSING DIFFERENTLY

Jill (mom of fraternal twins): In the early months, my daughter Hayden was a better sleeper than her sister, Logan. So my husband and I each chose a baby to care for every night. We would alternate. That way, we each had nights where we got a little more precious sleep and the girls were able to show us how their sleep progressed differently. I couldn’t have done it this way without my husband right there by my side.

Call in Your Village!

If it’s one thing all parents of twins and multiples say, it’s to get lots of help! Whether it’s your partner, a hired nanny, Grandma, or friends, you will need frequent and regular helpers there with you to share duties and give you a break sometimes. Sadly, in our society, the norm is still for moms to feel that they’re supposed to do everything by themselves. We don’t believe this is true or natural, even with only one baby. Only you know how much and what type of help you need, and often people wait for your cue to pitch in, so don’t be afraid to take the lead requesting and creating your team of helpers.

Working with Child Care Providers

Sleep at Day Care and Preschool

If your baby is in day care, start by asking the caregivers how they normally put the babies to sleep. What are the routines and schedules? If they rock, feed, or hold the babies until asleep, you’ll need to explore with them if they’re willing to do naptime the way you do at home. Most places will work with you as much as they are able. Things will inevitably be a little different at home versus at day care, but that’s okay. It is a completely separate environment, so your baby quickly learns the difference between the two.

Preschool teachers are unlikely to rock or feed your toddler before nap, but they should be attentive to when he needs help getting settled, especially at the beginning. The high side of sleeping at preschool is that the routines are very set, and the expectations clear. Kids aren’t as invested in dragging out the process of going to sleep, because they see the rest of their peers getting their mats and blankets and following a structured set of steps. Some nappers will have an easier time falling asleep at preschool because of the group dynamic and the consistency.

Your baby’s nap schedule at day care may be different than at home. This can work just fine. You’ll have to see how your baby does with a schedule that is different in two environments. For example, your 18-month-old may still take two naps at home, but at day care she does well with one nap (and gets to be part of the daytime activities with other children). Especially when your baby is at a transition phase with naps (somewhere in between three and two naps, or two and one nap), she may have days when she takes one more nap, and that’s okay. Eventually her nap schedule will be the same at home and at child care.

Working with Child Care Providers at Home: Babysitters, Nannies, Grandparents, and More

When you’re working on sleep, consistency across all caregivers will be a huge plus to your baby. Some babysitters or nannies will go to heroic efforts to get your baby to sleep without fussing or protesting, including rocking, holding, stroller rides, etc. They are trying to show you what an attentive caregiver they are. But if your baby or child is learning the Sleep Wave, it’s important to communicate very clearly with all caregivers exactly what you want them to do at bedtime, naptime, and in the event that your baby protests or wakes up. Here are some tips for creating consistency for the Sleep Wave in the home.

An interesting tendency we’ve seen is how often parents report that their baby or toddler goes down awake with no problem for anyone who’s not Mom or Dad. Tricky little ones! This is great information for you that your baby is completely capable.

• Share the concept of the Sleep Wave with anyone in your home who puts your baby down for a nap or at bedtime. Explain it in enough depth to get them on board. Have them read sections of this book or look at the Sleep Wave Planner in the Appendix.
• Tell them the steps of the Sleep Wave and create a “handout” for them to refer to over time. Include the basic steps, your script (which they should use word for word), and your mantras.
• Have them “shadow” you several times as you go through all of the steps of the bedtime or naptime routine and then continuing to the Sleep Wave. If your baby is already falling asleep quite well on her own, you will have to describe and show them what to do, just in case she wakes unexpectedly.
• Make sure that they have a reliable timer for the 5-minute checks.
• Make sure that they are able to reach you for the first several times, in case they need clarification or support.
• If your toddler or child is responding well to the Reverse Sleep Wave, share with them exactly how that works and what it looks like.

Going Back to Work

This is a tremendous adjustment for both you and your baby, whenever it happens. It’s normal for moms and dads to have many difficult feelings around the loss of time together and concern about how everyone will adjust. On top of this emotional roller coaster is the challenge of the logistics and juggling of who goes where, when, who will care for your baby, and how in the world you will get everything done.

Sleep can easily get derailed during this time. If you plan ahead and take steps to hold on to the progress you’ve already made sleep-wise, you’ll end up with more quality awake time with your baby in the long run. Here are some tips:

• If you plan to implement the Sleep Wave, do so at least two weeks before you go back to work or a month or more after, not during; one big transition at a time is plenty for the whole family.
• If you need to shift your baby’s bedtime later, due to your work schedule, try to minimize this, even if it means that one parent won’t see baby until morning playtime. Your baby needs at least eleven hours of sleep at night.
• You may find that you’re short on time at the end of the workday. It’s fine to go straight into your bedtime routine as soon as you get home. This time should be soothing and pleasurable for both of you. Dim the lights, put on some comfy clothes, and choose books and songs that you really love.
• Some moms choose to keep a nighttime feeding in place, so that they can fit in a little extra bonding time. This can work very well, especially if you’re nursing and concerned about maintaining your milk supply. Just be sure not to start adding in more feedings later in the night as time goes on.
• Do everything in your power not to regress if your baby is already falling asleep on his own. Stick to the Sleep Wave (and Reverse Sleep Wave at bedtime if using it), expect a few bumps during this time, and know that your baby will go back to what he has proven to you he can do.

Single Parenting

This job of caring for a baby or young child is daunting enough with two parents in the home. For those of you doing it on your own, it’s nearly impossible to fathom. We humans are social creatures and depend on each other to thrive. With this in mind, and with the knowledge that babies benefit from having many caring adults love and tend to them, finding regular, dependable support (whether it’s from family, friends, or hired help) will be key to you finding the balance that you and your baby need. Needless to say, good sleep for you will be an absolute necessity.

• Organize your team. Whether it’s family, friends, or nannies, the time you spend putting helpers into place will make all the difference in the world. We all need “our village” and single parents need this even more so.
• Using the sleep strategies in this book will be crucial to give you the time and energy you will need in this tremendously demanding role. You will likely be sleep deprived for the first several months, but getting sleep on track as soon as possible will help enormously.
• Keep sleep consistent across caregivers. Keep your team in the loop and make sure that their pattern of response is the same as yours. This will help your baby feel safe and know what to expect, which will also ensure that his sleep doesn’t regress. If Grandma rocks him to sleep and the nanny feeds him to sleep, you’re going to have a much harder time putting him into his bed awake.
• Despite all that is on your plate, be sure to carve out a little bit of time, just for you, a few times a week at least. Take a walk, take a hot bath, or have coffee with a friend. You need some balance and a chance to refuel.
• Try to find a new parents’ group in your area. Not only will you have support and understanding from your new friends, you may be able to share some child care. We need each other.