The Key to Magnetic Leadership
“Commit a random act of kindness.”
BILLBOARD MESSAGE OUTSIDE OF HIGHLANDS, NC
After Confederate general Robert E. Lee retired from the military, he was named president of Washington and Lee University in Lexington, Virginia. Washington and Lee was originally named Washington Academy because of a gift from George Washington, but the name was changed in 1871 in honor of Robert E. Lee.
While Lee served as president of the university, a new student came into his office and asked for a copy of the school’s rules and regulations. Lee looked at him and said, “Son, we don’t have any rules and regulations in print.”
“You mean, this school has no rules?” the young man asked.
“We have only one,” Lee said.
“What is it?”
“Our only rule is kindness.”
Whatever Happened to Kindness?
We live in a society in which kindness is becoming an increasingly rare commodity. Not long ago, the cover story of USA Today began with this observation: “A surly driver cuts into your lane. Your teenager brings home a CD with lewd, hostile lyrics. A political candidate in a TV ad morphs into a convicted murderer. A star baseball player spits at an umpire. A radio talk show jockey insults the president while he’s sitting right there…it is impossible to ignore the growing rudeness, even harshness, of American life.”
Shortly after this in 2005, British writer Lynne Truss wrote the widely sold book, Talk to the Hand: The Utter Bloody Rudeness of the World Today, or Six Good Reasons to Stay Home and Bolt the Door. In it, she rants on the plummeting social standards of the twenty-first century. From traffic accidents to massive telephone hold times, we’ve become accustomed to treating each other poorly.
As recently as 2009, my friend Mark DeMoss launched a movement known as The Civility Project. He was moved by the religion-based attacks on Mitt Romney during his run for the presidency. A known conservative, DeMoss was impressed by the genteel spirit displayed by Hillary Clinton ally and advisor Lanny Davis during the campaign. DeMoss reached out to him, and Davis decided to join in the effort to restore civility in public life. The project is built around taking the civility pledge: “I will be civil in my public discourse and behavior. I will be respectful of others whether or not I agree with them. I will stand against incivility when I see it.”
I am convinced that DeMoss’s project could not have been birthed a moment too soon. An overwhelming majority of Americans—89 percent in a U.S. News and World Report poll—think incivility is a serious problem. More than three in four respondents said it has gotten worse in the last 10 years. In the glass of our current society, it seems the milk of human kindness has curdled.
When we see people as numbers or inconveniences rather than as individuals, kindness goes out the window. This is precisely what humorist Robert Henry encountered one evening when he visited a large discount department store in search of a pair of binoculars. As he walked up to the appropriate counter, he noticed he was the only customer in the store. Behind the counter stood two salespeople. One was so preoccupied talking to “Mama” on the telephone that she refused even to acknowledge Robert. At the other end of the counter, a second salesperson was unloading inventory from a box onto the shelves. Growing impatient, Robert walked down to her end of the counter and just stood there. Finally, she looked up at Robert and said, “You got a number?”
“I got a what?” asked Robert, trying to control his astonishment.
“You got a number? You gotta have a number.”
“Lady, I’m the only customer in the store! I don’t need a number. Can’t you see how ridiculous this is?”
She insisted that Robert take a number before agreeing to wait on him. Robert went to the number dispenser, pulled number 37, and walked back to the salesperson. With that, she promptly went to her number counter, which revealed that the last customer had been holding number 34. She screamed out, “Number 35…35…36…36…37!”
“I’m number 37,” Robert said.
“May I help you?” she asked without cracking a smile.
“No,” Robert said, and he turned around and walked out.
I surfed the Internet recently looking for the word kindness and discovered a nonprofit organization called “The Kindness Society.” Note their stated purpose: “We are striving to spread kindness by following a simple rule: Do not think, speak, or act unkindly toward others.” Everybody can relate to kindness and everyone can respond with kindness. Mark Twain once said, “Kindness is a language which the deaf can hear, and the blind can read.” Kindness is also the language that influential people speak.
Kindness is the effort to talk to people respectfully, to treat people graciously, and to take every opportunity to serve others sacrificially whenever possible. On the surface, one would think that would be easy to do, but it isn’t. Being kind can be risky and even downright difficult. Kindness is risky because it can be misunderstood. We have all endured those experiences where we tried to be kind, but our efforts were taken the wrong way or we unwittingly said the wrong thing.
A woman carried her newborn onto a bus, and the driver said, “That’s the ugliest baby I’ve ever seen!”
The lady slammed her money into the fare box and stomped back to a seat at the rear of the bus. The man next to her asked her what was wrong, and she said, “The bus driver was very rude to me!”
“That’s outrageous,” he said. “He shouldn’t be insulting the passengers.”
“I think I’ll go up there and give him a piece of my mind,” the lady said.
“Good idea. And while you’re up there, I’ll hold your monkey.”
Sometimes kindness is the last thing on your mind. Sometimes giving the gift of kindness hurts. I think of the times I have passed broken-down cars on the highway and didn’t even offer a phone call for help. I have allowed my business and the pressures of work to make me curt and short, knowing the moment I did so I had blown it.
I wish at such times I could be as quick thinking as a young man who worked in the produce section of a supermarket. A lady approached him on his first day on the job, requesting to buy half a head of lettuce. He tried to dissuade her, but she persisted. Finally he said, “I’ll have to go back and talk to the manager.”
He walked to the rear of the store, not realizing the woman had followed him. When he reached the manager, he said, “There’s some stupid old lady out here who wants to buy half a head of lettuce. What should I tell her?”
Noting the horrified look on the manager’s face, the boy turned around, saw the woman, and said, “And this nice lady wants to buy the other half.”
Sometimes when we pay people a compliment, they will coyly say, “You’re too kind.” What they’re really screaming is, “Say it again!” You can never be too kind. We all hunger to be treated with courtesy and kindness.
People from all walks of life were attracted to Jesus for this reason. Jesus Christ would probably be universally acclaimed as the kindest person who ever lived. He, too, came into an unkind world, a dog-eat-dog, every-man-for-himself culture. No mental institutions, hospitals, orphanages, or organizations of mercy existed then. Yet when Jesus came, He poured the milk of human kindness into every bowl of human suffering. No one ever accused Him of being unkind, even His most bitter enemies.
He teaches us that we should be kind not only to those who don’t deserve our kindness but also to those who are unappreciative. Even in His life, acts of kindness were misunderstood. His greatest act of kindness—His death on the cross—has been misunderstood and even reviled by much of the world. But He teaches us a real lesson about kindness: Kindness costs. Kindness costs a great deal, but it cannot be bought at any price.
Kindness Pays—BIG
Sometimes we think that influencers must be tough, hard, and stoic in the way they relate to others, so much so that kindness is viewed as a weakness or vulnerability for them. I strongly disagree. Kindness signals tremendous inner strength that others not only appreciate but respect.
Aesop wrote a fable in which the wind and the sun argued over who was the stronger.
“Do you see that old man down there?” the wind asked. “I can make him take his coat off quicker than you can.”
The sun agreed to duck behind a cloud while the wind blew up a storm. As the wind blew, the man remained as he was. In fact, the harder the wind blew the more firmly the old man wrapped his coat around him.
Eventually, the wind gave up and the sun reappeared, smiling kindly upon that old man. Before long, the old man mopped his brow, pulled off his coat, and strolled on his way. The sun knew the secret: Warmth—friendliness and a gentle touch—is always stronger than force and fury.
In the same way, an influencer must learn how to motivate through warmth. One of the greatest marks of leadership—and one of the keys to building lasting relationships—is kindness. Being nice is important, but it is more important to be kind.
I think back to the teacher who motivated me to work harder as a student than any other teacher I ever had. Her name was Mrs. Propes, and she was my eighth-grade teacher. I was new to the school, shy, and timid around the bullies in the class. She went out of her way to encourage me, affirming me academically and making sure that I felt accepted—even protected at times! I was energized to do well in her class because I wanted to return her kindness with my best effort—not for the grades but for her approval.
This returns us to the topic of influence. Everyone knows that nothing leaves a more lasting influence than setting an example. The best and brightest leaders know that the best way to infuse an organization with a core value is to display that value in personal interaction.
Once while Abraham Lincoln was dining in the White House, one of his guests blew on his coffee, poured the coffee into his saucer, and drank out of the saucer. As you might imagine, some of the refined ladies seated near this guest were aghast. For a moment the room was filled with an embarrassing silence. Then Lincoln took his coffee, poured it into the saucer, and for the rest of the evening he also drank out of the saucer. Everyone else in the room followed suit. One small act of kindness had saved a man from unbelievable embarrassment. That simple yet thoughtful gesture by one of our greatest presidents reminds us of the value of setting an example of kindness. As William Wordsworth has said,
That best portion of a good man’s life;
his little, nameless, unremembered acts of kindness and love.
You’ve probably never heard of Stephen Grellet, a French-born Quaker who died in New Jersey in 1855. He would remain unknown to the world today except for a few lines that will be remembered forever. “I shall pass through this world but once,” he said. “Any good that I can do, or any kindness that I can show to any human being, let me do it now and not defer it. For I shall not pass this way again.”
Every day has at least one thing in common with the next: the opportunity to show kindness. Let someone move in front of you in the flow of traffic. Open a door for a lady. Help people with their overhead luggage. Opportunities missed are not only gone but will leave you with unwanted regrets. I wish that everyone could remember this poem from an unknown author as opportunities arise to be kind.
I have wept in the night
For the shortness of sight
That to somebody’s need made me blind.
But I never have yet
Felt a twinge of regret
For being a little too kind.
Everyone has a “kindness kit” that they carry everywhere. It is called the tongue. Never underestimate the power of just one kind word. A Japanese proverb says, “One kind word can warm three winter months.” It is easy to react to acts of kindness with kindness. The real challenge is to respond with kindness to those who lack it. Kindness flows easily to those who treat us well; it is difficult to be kind to those who don’t. And we must be kind through our deeds and words.
In the comic strip Nancy, Sluggo once said to Nancy, “That new kid in school is nothing but a big fathead!”
“You shouldn’t call people names like that,” Nancy said. “I never call people names.”
“Well, I just got mad when he said you were stupid looking.”
“What else did that big fathead say?” Nancy demanded.
Kindness is not softness. Kindness is not a sentimental indulgence that tolerates wrong and evil and refuses to confront a person when confrontation is required. Sometimes the kindest thing you can do is confront a person about a personal fault or problem.
Suppose my doctor discovers I have a tumor. He could say to himself, I don’t want to cause James any pain. I don’t want to upset him in any way. I don’t want him to leave here hurt or angry. He brings me back into his office and says, “Everything looks great, James. Don’t worry, be happy.” That doctor is not being kind to me; he’s being unkind. To be kind, that doctor must tell me the truth and try to remove that tumor, regardless of how much it may hurt.
Being kind does not mean being politically correct, tolerating wrongdoing, or refusing to confront a problem. Sometimes we must confront—yet in a kind way. A calm demeanor will go a lot farther than a harsh comment or an ugly tone of voice. You can make a critical point with a kind spirit, even a sense of humor.
A man was standing in line to buy an airline ticket. When he reached the counter, he said, “I would like to buy a ticket to New York City.”
“No problem,” the agent said. “How many pieces of luggage do you have?”
“I have three.”
“Do you want to check all three to New York?”
“No, I want you to send the first suitcase to Phoenix, the second suitcase to Seattle, and the third suitcase to London.”
The dumbfounded clerk looked at him and said, “Sir, I’m sorry, but we can’t do that.”
“I don’t know why not,” the man said with a smile. “That’s what you did last week.”
You can make your point with a butter knife more effectively than with a butcher knife.
Nice Guys Really Finish First
Aesop said, “No act of kindness, no matter how small, ever is wasted.” It costs to be unkind, but it pays to be kind. Kindness always pays dividends, either for you or for someone else down the line. Kindness is never a waste of time or effort. It really is one link in an unbroken chain.
Joe was driving home one evening on a country road. Work in this small Midwestern community was almost as slow as his beat-up Pontiac, but he never quit looking for a job. Ever since his factory had closed down, Joe had been unemployed. And with winter coming, he had reached a point of desperation.
It was dark, and Joe almost didn’t see the old lady stranded on the side of the road. He pulled up in front of her Mercedes and got out. As he walked up to her, he sensed that she was frightened, standing out there alone in the cold.
“Ma’am, I’m just here to help you,” Joe said. “Why don’t you wait in the car where it’s warm, and I’ll see if I can repair your car. By the way, my name is Joe.”
All she had was a flat tire, so Joe crawled under the car, looking for a place to put the jack. He scraped his hands on the hard rocks and stained his shirt with grease and dirt, but he was soon able to change the tire. As he was tightening the lug nuts, she rolled down her window and told him she was from St. Louis and was just passing through. She could not thank him enough for coming to her aid. He just smiled as he closed her trunk and started returning to his car.
“Tell me, how much do I owe you?” she asked. “I’ll be glad to pay you anything you ask.”
Joe looked back and said, “If you really want to pay me back, the next time you see someone who needs help, give them the help they need and then—just think of me.”
He waited until she started her car and drove off.
That day had been cold and depressing, but Joe felt good as he headed home.
A few miles down the road, this same lady stopped at a small café to grab a bite to eat before she made the last leg of her trip home. It was a dingy-looking restaurant. One could tell business was not going well.
The waitress wore a sweet smile, and though she was pregnant and tired, she was eager to please. The woman could tell the waitress was struggling just to make ends meet. She wondered how someone with so little could cheerfully serve a stranger. Then she thought of Joe.
After the lady finished her meal, the waitress went to get her change from a $100 bill, but the lady was gone by the time the waitress returned. The waitress scanned the restaurant looking for her customer, but the only thing she found was a folded napkin on which the lady had written:
You don’t owe me a thing,
I’ve been there too;
Someone once helped me out
The way I’m helping you.
If you really want to pay me back,
Here’s what you do;
Don’t let the chain of kindness
End with you.
The waitress’s eyes welled up with tears of gratitude.
Later that night, when she got home from work and climbed into bed, she thought about the money and what the lady had written. How could the woman have known how much my husband and I needed it? With this baby coming next month, her shoestring budget was going to become fishing wire, especially with her husband out of work. She gave her slumbering husband a soft kiss and whispered, “Everything’s going to be all right. I love you, Joe.”
Ralph Waldo Emerson once said, “You cannot do a kindness too soon, for you never know how soon it will be too late.” Take every opportunity to be kind.
One of my favorite passages of Scripture reminds us of the importance of kindness: “God raised us up with Christ and seated us with him in the heavenly realms in Christ Jesus, in order that in the coming ages he might show the incomparable riches of his grace, expressed in his kindness to us in Christ Jesus” (Ephesians 2:6-7). Kindness and eternity are incredibly linked. Don’t miss it.
God sent Jesus Christ from heaven to earth so that we can leave earth and go to heaven. This is evidence of God’s kindness, even to those who are not yet believers. Beyond that, the eternal presence of Christ will always remind us of God’s great kindness for all eternity. God places so high a premium on kindness, He never wants us to forget it.
A Tale of Two Presidents
Kindness is one of the indispensable keys that unlock influence and impact. The power that flows from kind words, kind acts, or kind touches cannot be measured. Stories from two former U.S. presidents illustrate the incredible power in the lives of others that kindness can give.
Kindness was a hallmark of President Ronald Reagan. Even the late president’s political foes liked him and were often swayed by his charming kindness. Frances Green, an 83-year-old woman, lived by herself on Social Security in a rough neighborhood in Daly City, California. Though she was poor, she sent one dollar a year for eight years to the Republican National Committee.
One day she received an RNC fund-raising letter in the mail. The letter was cream-colored with black and gold writing, and it invited her to come to the White House to meet President Reagan. What she didn’t notice was the little RSVP card. Neither did she notice the suggestion that if she were going to come, she should send in a generous donation. She thought she had been invited because they appreciated her yearly donation.
This lady rounded up every cent she had and took a four-day train trip to Washington DC. She couldn’t afford a sleeper car, so she slept sitting up in the coach section. When she appeared at the appointed time at the White House gate, she wore a pant-suit, now yellow with age, thick stockings, and a hat older than the Great Depression. She gave her name to the guard, and he looked down his list.
“Ma’am, I’m sorry,” he said brusquely, “but your name isn’t here and you cannot go in.”
“But I was invited!” she said.
“I’m sorry, Ma’am.”
A Ford Motor Company executive was also there, and he took Frances Green aside and asked for her story. She recounted her small but faithful donations, the letter, and the long train ride.
“Stay here,” he said as he was admitted to the White House. He searched but couldn’t find anyone to help her, so he returned and asked, “Can you stay in Washington a day or two?”
“Well, yes,” she said. “I had planned to anyway.”
“Good. Go back to your hotel and meet me here at nine in the morning on Tuesday.”
The man went to Anne Higgins, a presidential aide, and told her Francis’s story. Anne went to the president’s secretary, and the secretary went to President Reagan. When Reagan heard the story, he said, “When she comes next Tuesday, bring her in here.”
On Tuesday the Ford executive met Mrs. Green at the gate and give her a personal tour of the White House. Frances took a wonderful stroll through the historic building, and then they went by the Oval Office at the appointed time, thinking that perhaps she might get a glimpse of the president. Just then the National Security Council came walking out, followed by the Joint Chiefs of Staff. When the executive peeked inside, Reagan gestured for him to come in. Frances Green followed.
When she walked in, the president rose and called out, “Frances! Honey, forgive us, those darn computers fouled up again. If I had known you were coming, I would have come out there to get you myself.”
He asked her to sit down, and they talked about California and about her life, giving her the same amount of time he would have given the Queen of England. Though Frances Green never fully understood the lesson Reagan was embodying, the people around Reagan did: Great leaders don’t have big heads, but they do have big hearts.
When people enter my home for the first time, they are often drawn to two official White House invitations personally signed to me and my wife, Teresa, by then President George W. Bush. The story behind how we got these is funny and insightful as to the role kindness plays in the life of the powerful and the not so powerful.
In May 2001 I was serving as the president of the Southern Baptist Convention, and Teresa and I had been invited to the White House for the National Day of Prayer. We were in the East Room for the ceremony, and afterward to our surprise and delight, we were informed that there would be a receiving line so the 150 guests could meet the president. Waiting in line to meet a U.S. president feels unfamiliar. You rack your brain to map out exactly what you’ll say, and you try to keep your palms dry so you’ll look like you belong there even when you don’t.
As we approached the president, a mutual friend who had known him when he was the governor of Texas introduced me to him.
“James, we’ve met before,” President Bush said.
“No sir, I don’t believe we have,” I said. “I would probably remember if we had met.”
“No, James, we’ve met. I never forget a face,” the president said. “It’s good to see you again. Welcome to the White House.”
He also graciously greeted Teresa, the one of us who looked like she belonged there. She always handles herself with class.
We were escorted to the Yellow Room where refreshments were being served. While there, someone came in holding their invitation, and Teresa and I noticed some writing on it. On closer inspection, we realized it was the president’s signature. When I asked the guest how he got the president to sign it, he said, “I just asked for it.”
My heart sank as I realized we’d missed our opportunity to have our invitations signed. A line of Secret Service agents flanked the president, and no one could return once they’d met him. But Teresa gave me a familiar look that says, “I’m up to something, and no one can stop me.”
“Give me your invitation,” she said.
“I’m going to get ours signed as well.”
“Teresa, you can’t go back out there. You’ll get shot!”
She grabbed our invitations and walked back toward the receiving line. Two agents immediately blocked her path and sternly refused her request to approach the president. But I knew the determination in Teresa’s face; she was willing to go to federal prison or be deported to Iran for this.
As she pleaded her case to the agents (and I cowered behind a window covering), the president turned and noticed what was going on. He snapped his fingers.
“Let her through,” he said.
The agents parted like a Broadway curtain. As she approached the president, he said, “Teresa, how may I help you?”
She told him she didn’t want to cause any trouble, but it would be a blessing if he would sign our invitations. He graciously obliged. As he handed the invitations back to her, he said, “Thank you again for being here. Oh…and tell James we really have met before.”
Do you think from that point on I was a fan of George W. Bush? Do you think he was now able to impact and influence me? You better believe he was. Regardless of policies I may have disagreed with, from that moment on this president owned my heart.
The fact that these two presidents are Republicans is only a coincidence. Democrats and Republicans, midlevel managers and CEOs, pastors and laypeople, we are all affected by the power of kindness.
The next time you see a helpless lady broken down on the side of the road or hear the familiar melody of “Hail to the Chief,” think about the power of kindness. This seemingly small character quality will unlock an inner power that will enable you to change circumstances and shape history. Regardless of who you are or who you think you are, try a little kindness with everyone you meet. It will pay off—big time.
Principle Five—The road to best effort is paved with kindness.