Chapter 5

 

Lucy sat nervously in the exam room. She had gone two days ago for bloodwork and the doctor’s office had called this morning to see if she was available for an appointment this afternoon. There was a soft knock and the tension in her stomach ratcheted up another notch as her doctor entered the room. He smiled at her.

“Good afternoon, Lucy.”

“Hi, Dr. Flint. How are you?”

“Good, how are you?”

“Good, thanks. A little anxious.”

He sat down on the small stool and tapped on the keyboard of his laptop for a moment before turning to her. “So, I have the results of your bloodwork here.”

“And?” Lucy said anxiously.

“You’re not pregnant, Lucy.”

She stared at him in shock. “I’m not?”

He shook his head and she blinked back the hot tears that were threatening. “But the pregnancy test was positive.”

“Well,” he said carefully, “a false positive is rare but not impossible.”

“Are you sure I’m not pregnant?” She asked.

He nodded. “Yes. You’re not pregnant.”

Now the tears did fall and she wiped them away as Dr. Flint handed her a tissue. She swabbed at her cheeks and blew her nose as she thought about Jason back at the office. He had a meeting that he had offered to cancel but she had told him not to bother. Now she wished bitterly that he was here with her. He had been so excited about having a baby. A low sob broke from her throat and she drew in a deep, hitching breath before wiping at her eyes again.

“I’m sorry,” she said quietly.

Dr. Flint gave her a sympathetic look. “That’s alright, Lucy. You were actively trying, I assume?”

She shook her head. “No, but when we thought it had happened we were – well – we were pretty happy and excited about it.”

She stared at the floor. “I should have known it wasn’t true. I’m really careful about taking my birth control every day.”

“Birth control isn’t a hundred percent foolproof so it was possible,” Dr. Flint replied.

“Yeah,” she sighed before standing. “Thanks for letting me know, Dr. Flint. Have a good afternoon.”

“Lucy, wait.” Dr. Flint indicated for her to sit back down and she sank into the chair, giving him a curious look.

“Is there something else?”

“Yes, actually. There were some abnormalities in your bloodwork.”

“What do you mean?”

“There was an indication of infection.”

“Infection?” Lucy gave him a blank look. “What type of infection?”

“That’s what we need to find out. You said you haven’t had your period in two months. Is that right?”

“Yes.”

“And that’s unusual?”

“Well, I’m not super regular, I miss a month here or there but never two months in a row,” she replied.

Dr. Flint nodded. “Okay. I’d like to do a complete physical today including a pelvic exam. It’s been quite a few years since you’ve had one.”

Lucy flushed. She hated having a yearly pap smear and always found a reason not to go. “Yeah, I guess so.”

“Yearly pap smears are very important,” Dr. Flint lectured gently. He tapped on his keyboard again. “Also, I’d like to send you for a pelvic ultrasound.”

“What? Why?” Lucy asked.

“Call it a hunch,” he said. “I had my office call the ultrasound clinic and they’ve had a cancellation for later this afternoon. Can you make the appointment?”

“I – I guess so,” Lucy said. “I’ll have to check with my boss.”

“Why don’t you give him a call right now,” Dr. Flint suggested. “Then I’ll have my receptionist call and confirm the appointment.”

“Is it really necessary to do it today?” Lucy asked.

Dr. Flint nodded before standing. “Yes, I think so, Lucy. I’ll give you a few moments to call your boss and change into the gown.”

He left the room and Lucy, a sense of unease growing in her belly, called Jerry.

 

* * *

 

“Lucy?” Jason dropped his laptop bag on the couch as Lenny weaved around his legs, meowing loudly.

“I’m out here,” she called from the deck.

She was sitting curled up on the futon and he sat down beside her. It was a warm evening but she was wearing a bulky sweater and when he took her hand, it was ice cold.

“Lucy? What’s wrong? I was in that damn meeting for most of the afternoon and when I was finished, Jerry said you called and asked to take the rest of the day off.”

She smiled at him, her lips trembling, and he touched the moisture on her cheeks. “What’s wrong, honey? Why didn’t you answer my texts? What did the doctor say?”

“I’m not pregnant,” she said hoarsely.

He sat back and stared numbly at her. “Not pregnant.”

“Nope.” She suddenly burst into loud sobs and he pulled her into his lap, rubbing her back as she tucked her face into his neck. “I’m so sorry, Jason.”

“You have nothing to be sorry about, honey. But I don’t understand – the test came back positive.”

“Dr. Flint says it’s rare but occasionally you do get a false-positive on home pregnancy tests.”

Her chest was hitching and she sniffed loudly as Jason kissed her forehead. “Don’t cry, honey. It’s okay.”

“I just – I was really happy about it, you know? I mean, I know we weren’t planning it but then when I thought I was, I…”

She burst into sobs again. Feeling helpless, he rubbed her back and rocked her lightly. “I know, honey. I was really happy too.”

“I know,” she sobbed. “And I’m so sorry.”

“Stop saying that.” He kissed her forehead again. “Honey, it’s not your fault.”

He sat quietly, rubbing her back and pressing kisses against her temple, until her crying turned into the occasional watery sigh.

“God, what a mess,” she said quietly.

“It isn’t,” he insisted. “So we thought you were pregnant and you’re not. It’s okay, little Lucy.”

He made her sit up so he could smile at her. “It’s probably better timing that you’re not. I mean, it would have been great if you were and we would have made it work, but now we have time to find a bigger place. This house is too small for kids.”

“I guess,” she sighed. “I’m sorry I didn’t answer your texts. I didn’t want to tell you that way.”

She rested her forehead against his and he kissed her lightly. “It’s fine. Did you take the rest of the afternoon off because you were upset?”

She shook her head. “No. My bloodwork showed an infection so Dr. Flint wanted to do a complete physical and pelvic exam, as well as a pelvic ultrasound.”

“What?” Jason gave her an alarmed look. “What kind of infection?”

“He didn’t know,” Lucy replied. “He just said he had a hunch about something and that’s why he booked me for the ultrasound.”

“Do you feel okay?” Jason asked.

“I feel fine,” Lucy said.

He was giving her a worried look and she kissed him again. “Honestly, Jason. I feel perfectly fine. I’m sure it’s nothing to worry about.”

“I’m going with you when you get the results,” Jason said. “Make sure you look at my work calendar before you book the appointment, okay?”

She nodded and he drew her back into his arms. They watched the sun setting over the water before Lucy sighed again. “We should start dinner. It’s getting late.”

“You sit out here and rest,” Jason set her gently on the futon. “I’ll make dinner.”

She shook her head. “I can help.”

He started to protest and she stopped it with a kiss. “I’m fine, Jason. Stop worrying.”

 

* * *

 

“Nervous?”

“A little,” Lucy admitted.

Jason took her hand as they sat in the exam room. “Don’t be. I’m sure everything’s fine.”

It was a week later and they were sitting together at the doctor’s office, waiting for Dr. Flint and the test results.

Lucy gave him a pale smile and he squeezed her hand. “We’ll find out what’s wrong and fix it, okay?”

“Okay,” she replied softly as there was a knock at the door and Dr. Flint entered the room.

“Hi, Lucy.”

“Hi, Dr. Flint. This is my boyfriend, Jason Young.”

Jason stood and shook his hand before returning to his seat and taking Lucy’s hand again. They stared anxiously at Dr. Flint as he pulled up Lucy’s file on his laptop.

“So, my suspicions were correct, Lucy. You have pelvic inflammatory disease,” Dr. Flint said.

“What is that?” Lucy asked.

“It’s an infection that spreads from the vagina to the cervix and, when left untreated, can spread to the uterine lining and the fallopian tubes,” Dr. Flint replied. “It’s common in women your age and is usually caused from a sexually transmitted disease.”

Lucy’s mouth dropped open. “I – I don’t have an STD. I was tested less than six months ago and it came back clean. Both Jason and I were.”

She glanced at Jason, feeling absolutely mortified, but he just squeezed her hand and smiled reassuringly.

Dr. Flint nodded. “No, you don’t. In the swabs I took from your pelvic exam last week, I tested for a number of STD’s and you came back negative for all of them.”

“Then I don’t understand,” Lucy said. “How can I have an infection from an STD when I’ve never had one?”

“You had a ruptured appendix about six years ago, is that right?” Dr. Flint said.

Lucy nodded. “Yes.”

“Although rare, PID can also be caused by a bowel infection, a severe case of appendicitis or a ruptured appendix. I believe that’s what caused yours.”

“She’s had this infection for six years?” Jason said.

Dr. Flint nodded and Lucy shook her head. “That’s impossible. I’ve been perfectly healthy. I haven’t had any problems other than an occasional missed period.”

“One of the bad things about PID is that it often doesn’t cause any symptoms,” Dr. Flint said. “Sometimes there is abdominal pain and fever, or pain during sex. Other times it’s simply irregular menstrual cycles.”

“So what do we do to fix it?” Jason asked.

“Antibiotics will help clear up the infection,” Dr. Flint said.

Jason smiled at Lucy. “See, no problem.”

Dr. Flint cleared his throat. “There’s something else.”

Small tendrils of fear wormed their way into Jason’s stomach as Lucy said nervously, “What?”

“You’ve had the infection a long time, Lucy. The ultrasound revealed that the infection spread from your cervix to your uterine lining and to your fallopian tubes. Because it’s been left unchecked for so long, there’s been a lot of damage in the form of scarring.”

“What does that mean?” Lucy asked.

“With the scarring on your fallopian tubes, the likelihood of conceiving is very low.”

“How low?” Lucy whispered.

“It’s hard to say for sure,” Dr. Flint said. “With the length of time you’ve had the infection and the amount of scarring on your tubes, the chances of them being blocked are extremely high.”

He paused and gave her a sympathetic look. “Best estimate on my part – you have less than a five percent chance of getting pregnant.”

 

* * *

 

“Lucy, you need to talk to me,” Jason said.

They had spent the entire ride from the doctor’s office to the pharmacy and to home in complete silence. He sat down next to her on the couch and rested his hand on her knee.

“What’s there to talk about?” Lucy said dully. “I can’t get pregnant and you want a baseball team of kids.”

He winced before shifting closer and putting his arm around her. “Honey, it doesn’t matter.”

“Don’t say that,” she said. “We want babies and I can’t have them. It matters.”

“You don’t know that for sure,” he said. “Dr. Flint said there’s a five percent chance that – “

“No, he said there’s less than a five percent chance that I’ll get pregnant,” Lucy interrupted. She suddenly laughed bitterly. “The odds are not in our favour.”

“So we can’t have our own kids. We’ll adopt,” he said.

“Is that what you really want?” She stared up at him.

He hesitated and tears started to course down her cheeks. “Yeah, that’s what I thought.”

“Lucy, I love you. I want to be with you and I don’t care if that means it’s just you and me for the rest of our lives. I mean that. If we never have kids, then we’ll – “

“Stop,” she said suddenly. “Just, please stop. I can’t talk about this right now, Jason.”

She stood and he grabbed her hand. “Don’t shut me out, Luce.”

“I’m not,” she said wearily. “I need some time to process it, okay?”

“Okay.”

“I’m going to lie down for a bit. I have a headache.”

“I’ll come with you.”

Hurt flowed through him when she said, “I’d like to be alone for a while. Do you mind?”

He shook his head and she smiled tiredly at him before heading to the bedroom. He paced back and forth, Lenny trailing behind him, before pulling the small velvet box from the inside pocket of his suit jacket. He opened it and stared fixedly at the diamond ring as it glittered in the light. With a heavy sigh he closed the box and tucked it back into his pocket.

 

* * *

 

“Come in!” Jason snapped irritably.

The door to his office opened and Jerry stepped into the room.

“What?” Jason glared at him and then sighed when the older man raised his eyebrows. “Sorry, Jerry. Bad day.”

“Bad week is more like it. You made Alex cry and Carlos threatened to quit.”

Jason scowled. “They’re both too sensitive.”

Jerry sat down in the chair across from Jason’s desk and crossed one leg over his knee. “Normally I’d agree with you but not this time. You’ve been a real bear all week. Do you want to talk about what’s wrong?”

“No,” Jason snarled.

He scrubbed his hand through his hair before sighing. “It’s a long story but we found out last week that Lucy has less than a five percent chance of getting pregnant.”

“Jesus, I’m sorry,” Jerry said. “I guess I know why Lucy started crying in my office yesterday. I thought maybe you two were having a fight.”

“We’d have to be talking to fight,” Jason said morosely. “She’s shut me out, Jerry. Every time I try and talk to her about it, she refuses. Says she needs time to process it but it’s been a goddamn week and she still won’t talk about it. We – we thought she was pregnant and I made the mistake of telling her that I wanted lots of kids and now…”

He trailed off and gave Jerry a miserable look. “I want kids – I do – but if it comes down to having kids or having Lucy, I’ll choose her every time. But she won’t let me tell her that. She won’t – “

He stopped and stared down at his desk, clearing his throat roughly as Jerry waited quietly.

“Tell me what to do, Jerry,” Jason said hoarsely. “You’ve known Lucy for a long time. How do I get her to talk to me about this?”

“I don’t know,” Jerry said honestly. “It’s not like her to refuse to talk or try and solve the issue.”

“It isn’t just the pregnancy thing. She’s hardly talking at all. She’s pale and shaky and she’s like a damn shell of who she used to be. I don’t know what to do,” Jason said.

Before Jerry could reply there was a knock on the door and Penny stuck her head into the office. “Jason? I have those files you wanted to look at.”

Jerry stood and squeezed Jason’s shoulder. “Stop by my office later if you need to talk, okay?”

Jason nodded. “Thanks, Jerry.”

 

* * *

 

“Maybe we should cancel tonight,” Jason said.

Lucy shook her head. “We’re almost to your parents’ place.”

He reached across the car and took her hand. “We can have dinner with them another time. Why don’t we just turn around and go home? I’ll call them and make up an excuse.”

“No, it’s fine.”

“We can order in and sit on the deck and talk – “

“I don’t want to talk about it,” Lucy said irritably. “I’ve told you I need some time.”

“Honey – “

“Please, Jason. Not tonight.”

“We need to talk about it eventually,” he said.

“I know,” she snapped. She winced and squeezed his hand. “I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay.”

They drove in silence to his parents’ house. As he parked in their driveway, he gave her a worried look.

She sighed. “Stop looking at me like that. Your parents will think something’s wrong.”

“Something is wrong, Lucy,” he said quietly.

She pulled her hand free and opened the car door. He shut the engine off and, his stomach in knots, followed her up the driveway.

 

* * *

 

“Well, it’s only a part time job at the fabric place, but I’m so excited,” Rita said cheerfully. “It’ll be nice to get out of the house, even for a few hours, every week.”

“I’m trying not to take it personally,” Harvey said with a grin as he passed the potatoes to Carrie. “Have some more, hon.”

Carrie scooped some potatoes on to her plate and handed the bowl to Jason.

“How’s work going for the two of you?” She asked.

“Fine. Busy,” Jason said.

“Lucy, have some more to eat,” Rita urged. “You’re looking a bit pale.”

“I’m stuffed but thank you, Rita,” Lucy said.

Jason glanced quickly at her. If he didn’t know her so well he would almost believe that there was nothing wrong. She had been cheerful and chatty the moment they stepped into his parents’ house, but even her carefully-applied makeup couldn’t completely hide the paleness of her skin or the dark circles under her eyes.

“Jason, honey, do you remember the Mayer family?” Rita asked.

Jason nodded. “I played football with their oldest kid, Dan, I think his name was?”

“Yes, that’s right. Well, Dan and his wife just had twin boys. They already have a boy and a girl under the age of five. Can you believe it? They’re going to be run off their feet. Four kids!”

“That’s why I told your mother only two for us. Never let them outnumber you, you know?” Harvey said with a grin.

Jason smiled faintly as Lucy stared at her plate. Carrie was giving them a careful, considering look and he scowled at her.

“What?”

“Nothing. What’s up with you?” She replied.

“Nothing,” he muttered.

“Bill and Janine were quite thrilled about it,” Rita continued. “With Dan’s kids and Jody’s two boys, that makes six grandchildren in total for them.”

“Speaking of which,” Harvey leaned forward and winked at Jason. “When are you going to make an honest woman out of Lucy and give us some grandchildren?”

“Don’t, dad!” Jason said sharply as Lucy flinched beside him. Her hands were clasped so tightly in her lap that her knuckles were white, and her face had completely lost what little colour it had.

“What?” Harvey was oblivious to the sudden tension that radiated from Lucy and Jason. “A guy can’t ask when he’s going to be a grandpa? We’re not getting any younger and I know how badly you want kids.”

“Dad, stop,” Jason hissed at him.

Harvey gave him a look of confusion before turning to Lucy. “Did you know that Jason coached our local little league team when he was in high school? He had homework and his own friends to occupy his time but he was adamant about coaching the kids. He was damn good at it too. The little gaffers loved him. If you guys have a boy, you’ll have to – “

Lucy, a strangled sob tearing from her throat, stood so abruptly that her chair fell over. She flinched at the sound and gave Jason a look of such sorrow that his heart ached for her. Tears were catching in her lashes and she blinked rapidly.

“I’m sorry. I’m suddenly not feeling very well. Jason, could you drive me home?”

He stood immediately and took her hand as his parents and sister stared at them.

“Mom, thanks for dinner. I’ll, uh, I’ll call you later.”

They left the kitchen and Harvey turned to Rita. “What was that about?”

“I have no idea,” Rita said worriedly.

 

* * *

 

“Lucy, stop!”

Lucy sighed and stopped in the middle of the small living room. “I want to go to bed, Jason.”

“No,” he said firmly. “I’m sorry, honey, I know you’re hurting but we can’t avoid this any longer. You need to talk about it.”

She kept her back turned to him and he cursed with frustration. “Say something, Lucy.”

She turned and he took a step back at the look of anger on her face.

“Say what?” She shouted. “That I’ve spent every hour, every minute, of the last week thinking about how I’ve ruined your life?”

“What are you talking about?” He shouted back. “You haven’t ruined my goddamn life, Lucy!”

“Yes, I have!” She cried. “You want kids and I can’t give them to you.”

“Honey, we have other options,” he said. “We can look into adoption and – “

“Adoption,” she said bitterly. “Do you have any idea how long that will take, Jason? Even if we get approved, we’re looking at years before we can adopt a baby. Not to mention how expensive it is, the hoops we’ll have to jump through to do it. I researched it this week and – “

Her voice cut out and she swallowed thickly, “There’s no guarantee that we can even adopt.”

“It doesn’t matter,” he said.

“Stop saying that!” She shouted again. “It does matter, Jason! It’s the only thing that matters!”

“It isn’t! Lucy, I love you. I want to spend the rest of my life with you whether we have kids or not. It doesn’t matter to me that you can’t have kids. I want to be with you.”

“You’re just saying that to try and make me feel better,” she said dully.

He strode forward and grabbed her shoulders, shaking her gently. “I’m not! I love you, Lucy, and I know you love me.”

“You’re right. I do love you, Jason. More than anything. It’s why I need to give you the chance to live the life you deserve, the life you want.”

“I want a life with you,” he said.

She touched his face, her fingers moving delicately across his stubble. “I need to go.”

Terror knifed through his heart. “What? Go where?”

“I’ll stay with Amanda for a while,” she said softly.

“No!” He shouted. “Lucy, you can’t run away from this. From us!”

She cupped his face and kissed him softly on the mouth. “I love you, Jason.”

He watched dumbly as she left the living room. She returned five minutes later, a small suitcase in her hand, and he started toward her.

“Please don’t, Jason. Don’t make this harder than it already is.”

His shoulders slumped and in a hoarse voice said, “I’m not giving up on us, Lucy.”

She paused with the door open, staring into the dark night, and said quietly, “Maybe you should.”