A question I am often asked is how do I become a pundit like you?
First of all, I explain, there are no openings in the field. Already there are far too many pundits. It is my humble considered opinion pundits should be licensed. You need a driver’s license to drive. So why not?
If the petitioner persists, I explain it is very hard to become a pundit. You have to study your Georg Wilhelm Friedrich Hegel and Kant. Read all the books and speeches of Henry Kissinger, who we call “Hank.” Eat lots of fresh vegetables, and go to bed early at night.
I guess I wasn’t too encouraging.
I myself reached the pinnacle of journalistic achievement by watching the TV news. My hero growing up was Eric Sevareid, the pundit in residence at CBS News, circa 1970.
He was the apostle of dealing evenhandedly with any controversial subject. He was so balanced, we called him Eric Severalsides. He would give both sides of an issue, even when there were three or more, and end with a “You decide.”
Someday I hope to be as respected as Eric Severalsides.
The ideal basic training for my current role as one of the nation’s leading pundits (in the top 2,687,905 at last count) was serving as a TV critic. For thirty-five years at Newsday, I stuck my neck out five times a week making judgments on the nation’s most important issues. What did I think of Laverne & Shirley or fake news shows like The Jerry Springer Show? And who do I think shot J.R. in Dallas?
I still remember getting a letter from a fan of my work.
“Dear Mister Know It All:
How dare you say Laverne & Shirley is the worst thing to happen on TV since the invention of commercials? That’s only your opinion, you Rat Fink Jew Commie Kike Red Bastard.
Anon.”
“Dear Sir or Madam,” I would patiently explain, “If I didn’t have an opinion as a critic I would be fired.
Yours, Rat Fink Jew Commie Kike Red Bastard”
Still it hurt. I have a low threshold for criticism; anything less than unstinting praise is painful. You need to develop the skin of a rhinoceros to survive in this line of work.
As a rat fink Jew commie kike red bastard critic, there was more to it than calling them as I saw them. I needed to come up with original concepts that said something more meaningful than just thumbs up or down.
My most important contribution was Kitman’s Law:
On the TV screen, pure drivel tends to drive off ordinary drivel.
I also was the first to predict that cable prices will always rise.
So it was only natural after stepping down from the seat of power as an arbiter of taste—as I explained to my readers in 2005, “Newsday gave me an audition in 1969, and after 35 years we mutually decided it wasn’t working out”—that I should turn to a life of crime as a pundit! No longer could I hide behind a medium like television, which, as pundit Fred Allen once said years ahead of his time (1953), “is called a medium because nothing is well done.”
I chose as the medium for my work as a serious pundit, not newspapers, which all the other pundits were predicting were on their last legs, but the medium of the future, The Internet.
The Internet is the perfect venue for punditing.
What’s great about the Internet: there are no fact-checkers. It’s like the FBI files, filled with information, some of which is true. Everything carries equal weight: real facts, true facts, plain old fact facts, or no facts, championed by our current commander in chief of the most powerful nation on the planet. Not to mention, the ever-popular “alternative facts.”
Should you be challenged as a pundit, your defense can be: The facts are accurate. I made them up myself.
The Internet is the one place where you can practice Trump-style journalism. No need to waste time on research. You just make up whatever facts, data or information is needed. Who knows, if lucky you might be invited to play golf at Mar-a-Lago.
A pundit has to be ahead of the curve. I myself am often ahead of my times, by as much as five minutes.
On the downside of the profession, you have no idea who actually hears you as you cast your pearls of wisdom at the swine, I mean Internet news junkies.
Still it’s a lot better than going up to the roof of your high-rise and yelling at the wind. Or becoming one of those bores at dinner or cocktail parties who keeps talking about Trump or Bernie or Crooked Hillary or the real Americans who want the wall. Lock them all up!
The most important thing you need to do is come up with a motto that distinguishes you from others in the field. Mine is: “Often wrong, but never in doubt” (Pat. Pending).
Enough of giving away trade secrets. Should anyone want to know even more about how to become a rich, famous, and powerful pundit, I strongly recommend that you eat right, get lots of sleep, and read this book.
Remember, in the land of the blind, the one-eyed man is the pundit.
The author is on the short list for this year’s Emily Litella Prize in journalism.