Article I: Why Are We Impeaching the President?

We the minority of Gulliblesylvania elected a president of Some of the People All the Time who, let us not forget, was only 2,864,974 short of a majority in the 2016 election. A distinguished alumnus of the Electoral College (class of 2016), he gave up a life as a famous New York real estate mogul, reality TV personality, and Page Six star to answer the call to serve the public for four more, or eight, years. Or, maybe, among the term limits he has been suggesting at campaign rallies lately to the really rank and file, “12 . . . 16 . . . 24?”

As it turned out, his first three years of duty as POTUS have been a monstrous, disgraceful, idiotic, and frightful period in the history of the republic. But is that any reason to terminate him?

Where is our respect for the Electoral College with this impeachment thing?

So what if the Electoral College elected a totally inexperienced, unqualified, incompetent, stupendously stupid candidate who claimed to be an incredibly great businessman with only six bankruptcies on his C.V., smart enough not to pay taxes, a stable genius, who has turned the White House into the nuthouse in only thirty-six months.

How can we now try to get rid of the First Conman, the first ever put in the highest office in the land by Russian hackers or the Ukrainians. His dog’s body-man Giuliani has been working like a dissident in a Siberian salt mine to prove it was them.

Now I realize this Ukrainian thing the socialists in the House are using as evidence of abuse of power makes him look bad. From sworn testimony, the beautiful perfect phone call asking the Ukrainian president to do him “a little favor” sounds a lot like Al Capone suggesting he become a 50/50 partner in a Chicago dry cleaning store, or it will blow up, accidentally.

But in the first three years of his acting “presidential” there were so many other impeachable offenses, like that silly emolument clause thing. He swore to obey and uphold the Constitution, but isn’t not reading or understanding it a mitigating defense?

Anyway, how do you get the best people to run for office, without honest graft?

Sure, he’s corrupt. “A corrupt politician” is redundant. As a New Jersey Republican consultant told me, that’s why people go into politics. “Democrats, at least,” he added. “Republicans do it as a public service.”

That first “greatest cabinet ever in the history of the presidency,” as No. 45 described it on opening day, was filled with lobbyists and executives from the industries their departments were supposed to be regulating. With the president at the head of the table, it was like a page out of The Thousand and One Nights: “Ali Donald & The Forty Thieves.”

No. 45 is so well respected in world affairs that he has been invited to attend the May Day Parade in Red Square next year. At least In Moscow, there will be none of those “Lock him up” chants like he got on Veterans Day 2019 in New York.

Furthermore, how can we impeach a man who will be in the Guinness Book of World Records as the greatest liar in the history of American politics? As of his 993rd day in office (October 14, 2019), according to the Washington Post, he has made 13,435 false statements or lies. That’s fake news. I counted 15,245 myself, including an awesome five fibs in one sound bite on Fox & Friends on Fixed, I mean Fox, News.

Can you imagine what would happen to the nation if a president suddenly started telling the truth about WTF is going on? It wouldn’t be the morning in America that Ronnie Reagan promised we’d get by electing him in 1984.

Without President Plump, who is going to warn us about the huddled masses of immigrant thugs at the southern border gates?

Who is going to befriend all the misunderstood and unappreciated fellow tyrants, like Putin and Erdoğan?

And, even worse, without Trump doing something wild and crazy every morning when he sits down at his Twitter feed or flies off to another campaign rally on Air Farce One, the New York Times will be only two or three pages long.