I’ve spent the last few weeks keeping busy and settling in. I’ve seen the Wallace family from afar, and even had lunch at the restaurant their father Buck and his new wife own, but never have I come face to face with Brant.
I’ve been off my game all day, out of focus and unable to calm my nerves. Ten years and he still has this effect on me.
Thanks to my veterinary technician Avery, I’m able to make it through the long morning without injuring a precious pet or myself. She’s asked me three times what’s wrong; though I think she suspects it has to do with my marriage, or pending divorce that is.
She and Jean have seen tears since I’ve taken over for my uncle. They know I’m stressed and at the end of my rope, but I’ve always been able to do my job. Sometimes I don’t even consider what I do as a career, because I love it so much. From as young as I can remember I wanted to help animals and be around them. I spent an extra year learning the ins and outs of specializing in small pets and even some aquatic creatures.
That being said, today is one of my designated visits to Assateague to check out the animals that may need to be treated. While in the truck, Avery peers out the window, remaining pretty quiet. It’s only about ten minutes to the center. We make it to the bridge separating Chincoteague and Assateague before she starts asking questions. “Are you okay, Dr. Danvers?”
I hate hearing someone call me that name. It only reminds me of the pending war I’m involved in with my ex. “Jamie. Please just call me Jamie. The whole doctor thing isn’t necessary. If you’re going to be working with me every day we need to be friends.”
She adjusts in her seat and faces me. “Sorry. Your uncle wasn’t like you.”
“My uncle is an old man set in his ways.”
“Yeah. So are you okay? You can tell me if something is bothering you. It’s obvious you’re having a hard time.”
I nod while pulling out my identification for the park ranger to allow me entrance. I’m talking as we continue driving to the center. “Things are complicated for me. You know I’m going through a separation, probably an ugly divorce.” I heavily sigh before continuing. “It’s just a lot.”
“So it had nothing to do with that guy and girl this morning?”
“No.” I’m quick to answer. “I didn’t know them.”
“Jean told me you used to come here for the summer. I just thought maybe you did.”
Jean has a big mouth. She likes to gossip about stuff she has no business talking about. “What did Jean say about the people that came in?”
“She said you knew the guy.”
“Really?” I’m going to give Jean a piece of my mind when I can get her alone. She has no business starting trouble in the office. “She must be mistaken.”
“That guy was hot. I’ve seen him around town. I think he’s got a few brothers too. Maybe when you’re ready to get back on the horse you should look into his family. Lots of good genetics.”
If she only knew I’ve been there and done that. Literally. “After what I’m going through, the last thing I need to do is think about dating again. My life stays busy enough where I don’t feel that lonely.”
It’s a lie, and I feel bad for it, because I’d like nothing more than to pour my heart out to whoever would listen, but I’m afraid of rejection or scrutiny. Maybe she’ll say my husband was right. Maybe she’ll validate the fact that I’m selfish and put my life before the people I care about.
“I get it. I mean, I’ve never been married, but you’ve obviously got your reasons for leaving him.”
“That I do.” I suck in a reassuring breath. “Listen, when I’m ready I’ll talk about it. It’s just too soon right now.”
Our eyes meet and I catch a smile forming across her face. She nods, letting me know she’ll back off with the questions until I’m prepared for the judgment.
My afternoon consists of a turtle with severe disfigurement due to getting stuck in some plastic, and a wild pony with what appears to be a spider bite to the eyelid. It’s swollen and needs to be drained to prevent further infection. We get right to the task, after the animal is properly sedated. The unfortunate part of my occupation is not being able to explain to the animal that I’m there to help them. Domesticated pets are easier to console. They’re familiar with calming voices and gentle touch, while wild or feral animals have no way of knowing. I’ve been bitten, scratched, and even had to endure dozens of shots to my stomach from a rabies scare. I know the risks of my job. This equestrian could most certainly come out of sedation and kill me. I do this because I want to. I do it because I love animals.
The distraction helps with my nerves, at least until I’m back at the animal hospital checking on Brimley, who I happen to know is Brant’s dog. Joan has made the calls before leaving. This pooch is going to be spending the night in my care so I know for sure he’s out of the woods.
When I moved to the island my uncle was still living in his house next to the animal hospital. A week ago he moved in with his girlfriend, who he’d been seeing for a couple years after his wife passed away from a sudden blood clot. For a while I think he blamed himself, as if he would have been able to see signs to prevent it from happening. Jean recently told me they closed the clinic for two whole months while he mourned the loss. She’d been his vet tech for more than thirty years. They lived, worked and spent every waking second together. That’s why I know this new woman in his life will never replace my beloved aunt. My uncle needs someone to share the rest of his life with. He’s lonely. His girlfriend is in the same boat. Her husband had a stroke and died while driving a tractor-trailer. She met my uncle at church during a bereavement meeting and they’ve been close ever since.
Avery helps me carry Brimley into the house before calling it a night. I wave as she pulls out of the driveway, and turn to look at the dog that seems to be waiting for my attention.
If there’s one thing I can’t stand it’s caging animals, so I hurry over and open the door so he can walk around freely. My but hits the sofa cushion at the same time he approaches. His chin rests on my knees as his thankful eyes wait for mine to meet them. I pat his head. “Feeling better, old boy?”
He doesn’t wait for permission before jumping onto the couch beside me. Instead of wanting to correct him for getting hair all over my brand new couch, I lean down and hug the pet. It’s the closest I’ve come to affection in months. Sometimes I’m inconsolable, but tonight I don’t feel so alone. I sit up and stare at the television I’ve yet to turn on. “How about some chick flicks and a nice warm meal?”
I stand, his head perking up until he sees me leaving the room to head to the kitchen. I hear his feet hitting the hardwood floor and fast approaching. A smile forms when he comes to stand next to me. “Hungry?”
He barks.
“Me too. Sometimes I forget to eat.” I search the cabinets, pulling out something I can make to go along with a nice thick steak. “Brown rice sound good to you?” I ask while grabbing vegetables from the freezer. “Carrots and green beans good?” I realize I’m talking to dog. This is what my life has amounted to. I’m cooking dinner for me and the dog of my ex. I can’t get any more pathetic.
That’s when I slump to the floor and let the tears fall. Everything is gone. It’s not starting over that’s scaring me. It’s giving up everything I’ve known and loved. It’s hard to know I still care about someone who could be so cruel. It’s hard to fathom I never saw the side of him that he kept hidden from me. It’s worse to consider that not even my parents think I’m doing the right thing.
Being alone sucks. I’m struggling. I want to be strong, but it’s not that simple. Nothing ever is. Life isn’t black and white. I’m sitting directly in a giant gray patch and I’m unsure if I can find my way out of it this time.