Avery is watching me look over the documents. Being legal papers, they’re pretty easy to read. By signing my name I’m officially filing for divorce. The sooner I get it over with the faster I can move on with my future.
It’s been hard, starting over again, a place to live, new job to run, but I’m doing it. I’m staying busy. Avery is the biggest blessing I could ask for. She’s been convincing me to go out and enjoy the fall weather. We have happy hour drinks and dinner a few times a week when she’s not attending night classes.
On the nights I’m alone, I cook for the neighbor, or read romance novels that let me live out fantasies I’ll never fulfill on my own.
“I can’t believe it’s come to this. If someone would have asked me a year ago if this is where I’d be, I’d tell them they were crazy. I thought we had it all.”
“What happened? You never really talk about it.”
It’s hard to bring myself to talk about what happened with my marriage. “Let’s just say I was married to someone I thought I knew.”
“That’s so vague.” She pulls the papers away from my reach, forcing me to look her in the eyes. “Seriously, Jamie. You been here for a while now. He doesn’t call. You’re not crying every five minutes. Joan speculates, but we both know she’s full of shit. Set the records straight. Spill.”
“I wanted a child,” I start. “I’d been asking him to look into buying a house with more property so I could have animals and foster. When I found out I was pregnant I knew he said he didn’t want children, but I thought he’d change his mind. I figured if he loved me he would love something we created together.” I’m already getting choked up. The idea of what happened still sickens me to the core. “I waited to make sure, eight weeks in total. Then I planned a fancy romantic dinner, filet minon, grilled asparagus, roasted red potatoes, all of his favorites. I lit candles and waited for him to arrive home, so elated I could hardly contain myself. He came in the room in such a great mood. I told him we were celebrating life. We’d just finished eating when I showed him a sonogram picture. I thought he was going to choke to death. In that moment the man I fell in love with disappeared. He went to bed refusing to speak to me. That next morning he told me I had to get rid of it. His exact words. It.” I shake my head and wipe away the tears streaming down my cheeks. “The silent treatment went on for weeks, and when I confided in my parents it only made matters worse. He called me every name in the book, threatening our future if I didn’t terminate the pregnancy. He told me he never wanted children. He said marrying me was a mistake.”
“So what happened?” She’s asking because there is obviously no baby.
“I lost the baby at seventeen weeks pregnant. I had to be hospitalized and deliver it through a procedure.”
“I’m so sorry. That’s when you left him right?”
I shake my head. “No. I wish I had. I loved him. I thought that in time he’d change his mind. I figured in a couple years I could bring it up when we were more settled. One month after my miscarriage I was going over the bills. There was this statement from his doctor’s office, so I opened it because sometimes they make appointments for physicals and such. Come to find out the bastard had a vasectomy behind my back. I had no clue. I didn’t even notice a change in him.”
“Holy shit. I’d leave him too.”
I finally nod. “We had it out. I told him I was leaving him. He didn’t fight me about it. It was clear we no longer wanted to be together.”
“I’m sorry I asked, Jamie. That’s sad.”
“That’s not even the tip of the iceberg. I packed up all my belongings and drove from New Jersey to the island that next day. Upon arriving I get a call from his sister, who he apparently tells everything to. She told me he’d gotten an abortion pill and slipped it into my meal the night before I miscarried. She said he was cryptic about it, like he was playing it off, but later after I’d lost the baby he admitted to it. She’s a mom, so she felt like she had to tell me to clear her conscience.”
By this point I can barely speak. It’s one thing to live it, but to retell the heartbreaking story again cuts deep. “That is horrible. Oh my God. I can’t even imagine what you’ve been through.”
“This was a man I trusted wholeheartedly. I wanted to be with him for the rest of my life. It’s why I don’t talk about it. I want to pretend it never happened and move forward, because dwelling in what I can’t change eats me up inside.”
“I bet.”
“So now you know why I need to sign these papers.”
She slides them back in my direction. “Don’t let me keep you any longer. I hope you’re taking him for everything he’s got.”
“On the contrary,” I say as my name is scribbled on the designated line. “I don’t want a penny from him. He can keep it. I hope he lives a long lonely life. If I never saw him again it would be too soon.”
“You really have bad luck with men, don’t you?”
A little laugh escapes me. “Yeah. Don’t I ever.”
––––––––
My conversation with Avery seemed to take some unwanted stress off of me. It has been so long since I’ve opened up about the reason I left everything and started over. It was nice to get it off my chest, and also to allow Avery to know the truth, instead of what old Joan assumes.
For the next several weeks life gets easier. I’ve managed to come up with a good routine. I’ve painted two more rooms in the house, and with the help of a gardener, I’ve had a small pond installed in the backyard for the local ducks to have a safe place to frolic. When the weather gets warm again I’ll fill it with feeder fish so they can feed while they bathe and float around. As far as getting some indoor pets, I’ve been thinking of a puppy, but they require a ton of work and training, and right now my time is thin. I’ve considered rescuing an older dog, and even called the local shelters to see what’s available. I need a pooch that’s good around people and all other animals, so that he or she will be able to come into the clinic with me while I work. My uncle had a yellow lab that he took everywhere with him. Her name was Sam, and she had a bed behind the front desk. Whenever someone would come in the door she’d get up to greet them. At one point he had treats for the visitors to feed her, but she started gaining weight from eating too many snacks.
I want that kind of companion. I need someone who will love me unconditionally. I need a cuddle buddy. I’m giving up on men, because my track record doesn’t allow me to assume something good is out there waiting for me. I thought I had the perfect man, but he turned out to be a horrible person.
I’m lonely. So lonely I want to reach out and feel the love of a man, but I know it’s not possible, because I’m not the type of person to act on lust. I require more. I want to experience love, and all the feelings that come with it. Nonetheless, I’m not ready. I can’t allow the pain to overcome me again. I refuse to let another person hurt me. I’m not made of steel. The human emotions can only take so much before the person loses the desire to keep moving forward. I’ve been crippled by an endless agony. I’m afraid to open my heart again, thus leaving me in this empty state.
A little later in the day I decide to go to the grocery store to pick up a few items. I’ve filled my cart halfway by the time I see him entering through the mechanical doors. When our eyes meet I quickly look away. This is the last place I want to run into Brant Wallace, so I high tail my way to the register in order to check out and leave.
When I get to the parking lot I notice his truck is parked near where my bicycle sits. I place my groceries in the baskets, and hang the rest of the bags on the handles. It’s only about two blocks from my house, so I’m not worried about the extra weight. I begin to climb on when something rips through me. Mind you, I’ve had a terrible day. Talking about my marriage has left me with a bitter taste in my mouth, enough to make me want to give Brant another piece of my mind.
So I wait.
He comes out of the store unknowing I’m waiting for him. His unsure grimace tells me he knows I’m about to speak. “Jamie. I thought I saw you.”
“Yep. Me in the flesh. I suppose we need to get used to running into each other.”
He places his bag in the truck while answering. “Not for long. Looks like I might be leaving the island soon.”
I have no idea why this effects me. It shouldn’t, but I feel overwhelmed with sadness. “Wow. I never thought I’d see the day.”
“Well, my fiancée goes to school in Salisbury. We found a house in Snow Hill.”
“You’re buying a house together.” I don’t say it like I’m asking. I’m reiterating so it sinks in. “That’s a big step. Congrats.”
“So how are you? Am I allowed to ask, since I’ve been accused of stalking?”
I shrug. “I’m fine.”
“Can I be honest?”
“Are you ever honest?” I counter.
I can tell he’s not happy with my comment. “You know, you’re wrong about me. I did and said things I’m not proud of, but I’m not the monster you assume me to be.”
“Liar and cheater comes to mind first. You said it yourself. I was some game to you. Obviously you’ve turned over a new leaf. Good for you. I hope you treat this woman with the respect she deserves.”
“I’m not a cheater,” he starts. “I never cheated on you.”
“How can you stand here and say that?” I’m getting defensive, because I know what he said to me all those years ago.
“Okay, I have lied to you, but not in the context you’re thinking. I didn’t cheat on you. I only said I did so you’d leave me alone. And furthermore, I only wanted you to leave me alone because I couldn’t cope with what was happening in my life. It was a dick move, and I’m only telling you this now because I’m sick of seeing that hateful face every single time we see each other. I deserve to be called an asshole, a dickhead, a liar, but not a cheater. Those two summers meant something to me. You showed me what love felt like, so much that when it came time to say goodbye to my mother I was stricken with grief I couldn’t control. I didn’t want comfort or support. To be honest, I don’t know how the hell I managed to make it out in one piece. I regret what I said to you, what I did, but you wouldn’t have wanted to see me fall apart. It was ugly. I wasn’t anyone you could have wanted to be around.”
Then it hits me like a ton of bricks. Maybe for a few brief moments back then I considered this was the cause, but he was so adamant. Not even his brothers would talk to me about it, which led me to believe I was just another notch in his bedpost.
He’s rendered me speechless, and while my cookie dough ice cream melts away in the bag, I’m fighting the urge to burst into tears. Then it starts. My eyes burn, forcing me to look away. I can’t let him see how emotional I am, because it’s not all because of this conversation. “I’ve had a terrible day already, Brant. I can’t do this right now.”
He taps on the door to his truck and flinches, before shaking his head. When I look up I can tell he’s trying to read me. “Well now you know the truth. If it weren’t for my mom falling ill we could have made it work, Jamie. I know life goes on and all that shit. You kept living, and I finally learned to open up again, but that doesn’t mean my life has been great. My biggest regret is hurting you. Hell, I still have nightmares about it.”
I’m starting to climb on my bike again; because the sooner I can get away from him the better it will be when I break down. “I can’t listen to this anymore.”
“I deserve that. At least it’s off my chest.” He jumps into his truck, yet doesn’t close the door. “I gotta get back to Leigh. She’s making dinner and forgot some of the ingredients. She’s famous for it.”
I nod, still trying to hide my dismay. “It happens.”
He closes his door and as we both start to be on our way he rolls down his window. “For what it’s worth, I did love you, Jamie. I don’t know what you’re going through with your life, but I think after all this time you should know that. It changes nothing, but for my own personal reasons I needed to say it. Have a good night.”
And just like that, Brant drives away, leaving me in a pool of misery and heartbreak all over again.