It feels like we’re kids again, except her body is nothing like it was back then. Jamie has filled out in all the right places. We make it into the living room before we become engulfed in another earth shattering embrace. It’s like ten years of pent up regret is being washed away. I can’t stop myself. I need this woman, every single beautiful inch she’s willing to give me.
I manage to get her yoga pants halfway down when the doorbell rings. We both stop mid kiss and look toward the front door. “Should I get it?” Jamie asks.
“Do you want to?”
“It could be a pet emergency.”
She’s right. I can’t keep her from doing her job. She’d never forgive me. “Okay. I’ll go back in the kitchen and find my jeans.” I grab her hand before she can get away, kissing her one more time. “Unless you want to take a peek and make sure it’s a pet emergency first. I mean, why waste a bottle of good honey mustard if we don’t have to?”
She flashes an ornery look and goes to see who could be interrupting. Quickly, I spot her dressing, situating her clothing so she looks professional, or the best that yoga pants allow.
As I watch her I have to smile. I can’t remember the last time I felt like this; excited and carefree. When I asked to rent a room it wasn’t to see if we could rekindle a long lost love. I just wanted to be her friend. Now I know it’s not possible. Something is still there, or maybe it’s new. I can’t tell the difference, and honestly it doesn’t matter. I want Jamie. I want to know everything about her. I want to start where we left off and see where it goes.
I hear Jamie talking as I pull my jeans back on in the kitchen. I’m walking into the living room while tugging my t-shirt over my head. When my eyes open I’m staring at someone I never expected to come looking for me, and I already know whatever was going to happen with Jamie is over. I’m going to have to step out to deal with this situation first, and I’ve got a feeling when I return she’ll have changed her mind.
I escort Leigh out on the covered porch. My grip is firm, because I’m pretty pissed she interrupted a pivotal moment. I sit her down in an old wicker chair that was probably on this same porch back when I dated Jamie the first time. I stand above her, crossing my arms and waiting for some ridiculous reason she’s here at this very moment. Her tears seem real. I don’t doubt she’s hurting. We’ve spent a long time building a life together, a future we both wanted only to have it stripped away by lies and deceit. She’s tortured by bad decisions. Having done this, she’s responsible for everything that has happened thus far. “I’m listening.”
She’s obviously uncomfortable, her hands shaking while she looks to the floor instead of me as she speaks. “I can’t believe you’re already living together.”
“What?” I shake my head and almost laugh at her assumption, up until I recall the last fifteen minutes with Jamie and what it means for the future. “I’m renting a room from Jamie. That’s it. We are friends.”
“Your shirt’s on inside out, Brant.”
I peer down and notice the mistake. “I put it on that way.”
“Yeah, says the anal man who likes to organize fabric colors. I’m sure it was an accident.”
“Why are you here, Leigh? I asked for time.”
She sniffles. “Time to hook up with your old girlfriend?”
“If you came here to get on me about what I do with my free time then you can turn around and go home. You did this to us. I won’t let you drag Jamie into this. She’s done nothing wrong.”
“Of course. She’s just the first love you’ve never gotten over.”
“Why would you think that?”
“Ever since you learned she was back you’ve acted differently. You might not see it but I do, even when you try to hide it, you’ve made it obvious, overcompensating with the littlest of things.”
I shoo her away. “You need to go. You’re out of your mind. Jamie is a friend. She’s in the middle of a divorce. I rent a room. We barely see each other.”
I know Leigh doesn’t believe me, not that I give a shit.
She’s quiet, her sobs apparent until she finally gets the courage to continue. “You’re right. I didn’t come to talk about Jamie. I need to know if you still love me.”
“Love you? Leigh, you tore my heart apart. How can I love someone I don’t trust?”
She shrugs. “I get it, but you don’t know the whole story.”
I sigh heavily. “Please stop wasting my time and spit it out.”
“I had an abortion a long time ago, right when you and I first started dating. I found out I was pregnant the day after our very first date.”
I’m relieved the child wasn’t mine. Getting rid of two children I helped conceive makes it worse. Now she’s only responsible for one. It’s still not enough to forgive her. “Go on.” I’m being insensitive, although I can’t exactly comfort someone I’m still furious with. I draw the line at pitying her.
“I knew my ex wouldn’t want a child. He already had a new girlfriend, and to be honest we were terrible together. I didn’t know it until I met you. The moment we began dating nothing else mattered to me. I knew you were the one for me.”
“I appreciate you saying that. I’ve tried to be good to you, Leigh. I’ve done my best to make you happy.”
“You have,” she assures me. “That’s why when it came to finding out I was pregnant again I freaked out. I knew you want to start a family, but my heart and head just wasn’t in it. I have school. I’m too young, Brant. You have no idea how hard it’s been for me, knowing this and keeping it from you. So many times I wanted to put my arms around you and tell you we’d make it work.”
“We could have. We would have managed together.”
She shakes her head. “I know. I knew you’d say that. That’s why when it came to having the procedure done I backed out.”
“Come again?” I can’t possibly be hearing this right. There’s no way she’s saying what I think she is.
“I didn’t go through with the abortion, Brant.”
“Why didn’t you tell me right away?”
She’s crying harder now. “Because I wasn’t sure if I’d change my mind again, and I didn’t want to get your hopes up. When you asked for time I figured it would give me a chance to process everything and decide if I was ready to make changes to my life.”
It’s hitting me like a ton of bricks. This woman that I care deeply for, that I’ve spent the past year or so living with is telling me she’s still carrying my child. I’m going to be a father. I kneel in front of her, taking both of her hands into mine. In this moment nothing else matters. I have a chance to be a father. This vulnerable woman is coming to me with news I never thought I’d hear. Suddenly my ill regard for our relationship is once again being tested.
“Brant, please say something. I know I screwed up. I’d do anything to take it back. Please just say something to me. Tell me you want me to leave. Ask me stay. Just talk.”
I’m going to be a father. It’s the only thing I can hear repeating in my head. “You didn’t get an abortion?”
She shakes her head, tears pouring down her cheeks, while she manages a frightening smile. “No.” She pulls something out of her pocket. It’s the picture of a sonogram. Since I’m not a fool, I take it from her and pay close attention to the name and date of the photo. I think that’s when it’s real. I can’t deny what’s staring at me. There’s a little peanut in the image. My peanut. It’s mine. It’s real. I’m going to be a father.
Assaulted with the truth, I know there’s only one thing I can say. “Thank you.” My emotions are a bit crazy, but I’m a man of my word. I pull Leigh up into my arms. “It’s going to be okay. You’re not alone.”
She’s nodding while I hold her tight. “I know. That’s not what I’m scared of. I’m afraid I’ve already lost you.”
She has reason to be afraid. If she hadn’t shown up I’d be in bed with Jamie. As much as I’d like to know where it could have gone for us, I’m obligated to stick by the person I asked to marry me. She needs me. She’ll be dependent on me while we transition to parents. It’s going to be a challenge, but I’m up for it, because it’s everything I want. “You haven’t lost me.”
Leigh pulls away and looks in my eyes. “Are you sure?”
“Yeah. Like I said, I’m renting a room from Jamie.”
“Can I see it?” She corrects herself. “It’s not that I doubt you’re telling me the truth, but I’d feel better if I could see it for myself.
I lead Leigh into the house, spotting Jamie walking into the kitchen. The smell of smoke still lingers, but I avoid talking about it so I can make this quick and painless in order to have to some time to collect how I’m going to tell Jamie that things have changed. I know it’s going to hurt her feelings, but she probably swore she’d never give me another chance again.
We walk through the house until we get to my room. It’s nothing fancy. Dad gave me some furniture out of the attic. The double bed is enough for one person, but not two. I need room to spread out. There are laundry baskets full of clean and dirty clothes. Nothing is put away. It definitely doesn’t have a woman’s touch whatsoever. “This is it.”
“What happened to the tidy man I know and love?”
“He’s been depressed.”
She takes my hand. “I want to fix that. Come home with me, Brant. Please. Can we forget this ever happened and try to work this out together? I miss you.”
“I know. It’s been difficult, but I get why you waited to tell me. I can appreciate you had a big decision to make.”
“And I chose us. I’d choose us every time.”
I kiss the top of her head. If there wasn’t a pain in my heart where Jamie is concerned I think I’d be ecstatic, but the idea of hurting her again makes me feel sick to my stomach. “I’m grateful. It changes everything, Leigh.”
“You’re going to be a daddy.”
I’m overjoyed. “I’ll come home. I’ll move my stuff back in tomorrow. I promised I’d fix some things around here for Jamie in exchange for her allowing me to crash, so I need to make good on that. Let me take the night to pack at least. I’ll tell her the news and come home after work.”
I can tell she’s not happy about it. “I could stay and help.”
“That’s not necessary. I hardly have anything to pack up. Besides, I don’t think you should be lifting.”
“I’m not crippled, Brant. I can manage.”
“I’ll be home tomorrow. I promise.” I flash her a reassuring grimace hoping it’s enough to convince her.
Leigh doesn’t stick around much longer, and she makes no effort to speak to or see Jamie. I can sense the hostility there, which only makes my news hard to carry. I don’t like hurting people I care about, and now more than ever it’s obvious there is something still between me and Jamie. What’s unfortunate is that we will never have the opportunity to figure out what it is.