My nipples begin to tingle just knowing he’s so close to touching them. I’ve imagined this moment so many times in my head, even when I wanted to hate him. Brant caresses my neck with his soft lips, working his way down until he narrows in on another uncharted place.
He refuses to take his eyes off of me. It's like he’s taking in every detail so he'll never forget. When I think of it I start to get emotional, but choke back the tears as another kiss takes my breath away. He's attentive, his tongue tracing over one of my nipples, circling around until it's erect against his bottom lip. He moves to the opposite side, repeating the same maneuver. While he focuses on this task, I feel a wandering hand travel over my abdomen, furthering down until he's at the base of my pussy. I gasp, sucking in air as his skin glides over it ever so gently. He's practiced, from his ability to keep composure, to the way he strives to bring me unimaginable pleasure.
A low growl escapes Brant as he proceeds to lick his way down my body. He adjusts in the bed, lowering himself to his next target. I'm withering as I continue to watch with anticipation. This is something we never felt the need to explore when we were teenagers. Back then we had sex when we got the chance. It was usually quick and inexperienced for lack of better words. As this man kisses the base of my pussy, my butt comes off the bed. I'm not frightened. On the contrary, I'm so overwhelmed with excitement I feel like I'm going to burst.
He devours me in a harmonious bliss that causes my eyes to roll back. My back arches as this beautiful man feasts on my most precious parts. My fingers dig through his thick dark hair, all while every limb sparks with euphoria. I’m coming undone and he knows it. A low groan escapes, Brant working hard to continue bringing me pleasure. When I’m trembling, recovering from the most powerful orgasm I can remember, he begins to kiss and lick around my inner thighs. It tickles as his hand draws up my body, pinching at my nipples to get another quick rise out of me.
I’m breathing heavily now, my muscles hard to relax when I know we’re only getting started. His mouth finally finds mine, and there’s a crescendo in his kiss, one that causes a reaction in all my sensitive places. Then he’s there, positioned and ready to give me all of him. I’m nervous. This is Brant. He’s not just a guy I’m hooking up with because I’m lonely and depressed. We have history, some ugly, but most beautiful. I gave him my virginity, and it feels like I’m about to do it again almost ten years later. A part of me wants to scream with excitement, while another considers the idea of sleeping with another woman’s property, if that’s what Brant is. Right now his heart and mind feels like it’s with me. We’re probably making this predicament worse. As much as I’d like time to rationalize, I know we’ve run out. It’s now or never. Knowing this is the last night I’ll ever be with Brant shoves all my mixed emotions to the furthest reaches of my mind. I can’t think about it. I won’t.
He’s so slow when he enters me. We gaze into each other’s eyes, our kisses more passionate as I’m filled. He grabs my hands and lifts them over my head, lacing our fingers together. His strength is shown as he holds his weight off me. I can’t stop kissing him. I want as many as I can get so they’ll last for years to come. I need this memory to replace the ones where he broke my heart.
We make love, for what seems like hours. It’s midnight before we stop for rest. We’re sweaty, yet tangled together on the bed. The covers were kicked off hours before, leaving us to bask in the chill of the above ceiling fan. Brant’s eyes are focused on mine. “Are you hungry?”
“I haven’t had time to think about it.”
“I could heat the dinner we never got to eat.”
“I’d like that,” I admit with a smile.
Brant takes my hand and pulls it to his lips. He kisses it, then backs off the bed in all his naked glory. I admire the view while he speaks. “Be right back. Stay exactly where you are.”
I close my eyes, that smile still lingering across my lips. “Not a problem.”
It takes him a while to come back upstairs, but when I smell food I understand he’s either heating up the old, or cooking new. Either way my stomach reacts to the wonderful smell of something edible. Then I hear his large feet climbing the wooden steps. He’s carrying a tray filled with steaming hot food. A glass bowl holds a familiar yellow dipping sauce, while two bottles of water balance on either side of the large serving plate. I can’t help but check out his sculpted body, most importantly what’s underneath the stuff he’s carrying. A smirk on my face displays my satisfaction. He places the tray down on the bed and joins me at my side, kissing my shoulder before anything else. “Miss me?”
I take a fresh cut fry into my mouth and nod. “Immensely.”
“Sorry I took so long. The other potatoes were hard, and the oven took forever to reheat the chicken.”
“It’s fine. I’d eat cardboard if you put it in front of me.”
“That’s why you’re so thin. You’ve been eating too much fiber,” he teases.
He begins tickling me, causing us to roll to the opposite side of the food. With him hovering overtop me, I rest my hands around his back and pull him into a kiss. Our naked bodies smash together, my legs hooking around his waist to hold him there. For a few minutes we forget about the food, but my stomach growls and Brant feels the need to take care of a different need. He backs away and pulls me to sit up. “Let’s eat first.”
“First?” I question even though I already know what it implied.
“First we eat until we’re stuffed, and then we work off the calories.”
“Got it all planned out,” I say between chews of delicious chicken.
“It’s a start.”
“Promise we’ll be friends, Brant. It would make moving here so much easier.”
My brows raise when our gazes meet.
“Of course.”
“I don’t expect to be invited over for game night, but being able to pass you in the grocery store without it being awkward would be a great start.”
“I agree.”
It’s quiet for a few seconds. “Is it wrong that I wish I could clone myself?”
“Clone yourself?”
“Yeah. One of me could go off and be a responsible father, while the other could remain here with you.”
I want to smile. I swear I do, but I’m too aware of what he’s saying. Brant is confused. He wants to be in both places. I feel jealous of what he has with Leigh and I don’t want to. I’m the one interfering. I’m the one sleeping with a man who doesn’t belong to me. I can feel the hot tears welling up in my eyes when I consider the consequences of what we’ve done. He notices and drags his thumb over my now wet cheeks. “What’s wrong?”
I remove his hand and look away. “I’m taking advantage of you.”
“You’re not. I want to be here.”
“Of course you do. I’m giving you what you want.”
“That’s not it.” He kisses my shoulder again before I’m able to shy away. “This is only going to complicate things for you. It already is.”
“Stop.”
“Do you love her, Brant?”
He doesn’t answer me.
“Please. I need to hear it.”
“It took me a long time to be able to say those words to someone, and not because I was afraid. It was more that I waited too long to say them to the right person first. You already know the answer to the question. I’ve built a life with her. She broke me when I learned what she’d done. Do I want to rekindle the romance?” He shrugs. “I’m reluctant. It’s true I’m confused about how I feel for Leigh at the moment. I know I care a lot about her, and that it would be easy to go back to the life we started. I know I can be a good dad to my kid, and help her understand she’ll do fine at being a mom, but I won’t sit here and talk about the way I feel about her when I’m with you.”
“I know you say it’s just for tonight, Brant, but I can’t promise I won’t want you again, and that’s what scares the shit out of me.” I touch his hand. “This feels too good.”
He smiles quickly. “Yeah, I know.”
“You can’t have both, and I refuse to share. As much as I like this with you, I won’t stoop to ...”
“Jamie, I know.” I can tell this frustrates him, which only shows me it hurts him too.
“I’m not trying to damper the mood. It’s just...the longer we’re like this, the more I wish you could stay.”
He clenches his jaw. It’s obvious we’re torn. We’re conflicted in the worst way. “Right now I’m not with Leigh. We’ve been separated for a little while, and in that time I got closer to you. I can’t look at this like I’m cheating on her, but it’s definitely a crossroad. To be honest, I know it’s going to hurt like hell to walk away from this, and what it could potentially be. If I had to choose, and there was no baby I’d...”
I place my hand over his mouth. I can’t hear it. Either way, whichever one of us he’d want, it’s better I never hear those words, just like when he broke things off and refused to tell me he actually loved me. It’s better not knowing, because he’s easier to get over. I can’t pass him on the street and know he wishes we were together. It will be hard enough pretending my heart isn’t breaking all over again. This is what one night has done to me. That only tells me one thing. This is deeper than we both know, and I have to put a stop to it.
“Brant, I need you to hold me tonight. I don’t care about the sex. I just need to feel your arms around me, holding me, and promising me that tomorrow my heart won’t be shattered when you walk out of my life.”
He takes the tray and sits it on the nightstand, before opening his arms and pulling me close. His lips kiss the top of my head while he rubs my back. Silent tears fall down my face. I’m falling in love with him again already, or maybe I’ve always loved him. He was the first, and now it’s possible he’ll be the last, because I can’t go through this again.
Brant eventually falls to sleep by the sound of my sniffles. He hasn’t let go of me, which I’m thankful for. I don’t know why I’m glutton for this sort of torture, but being without this right now isn’t an option for me. I’m not a selfish person, but I hate Leigh. I hate that she gets to love him, and experience a lifetime of his support. I hate that she gets to have his baby and feel that unconditional love pour out of him. I hate it all. It’s not fair. I’m in hell.