What the Hell have we done with our life?
Pain swam through my body. I felt so unstable, so confused, so lost—
“Saffron?” a soft Irish voice began.
I opened my eyes, finding myself sitting in the makeshift wings of the stage. A few others were there too, waiting for their cues, waiting to change the scenery or pull the curtain. But I was focused on Indie’s bright-white trainers in front of me. They didn’t fit with his costume, but maybe that was the point. I looked down at my own feet, looking at the muddied military boots that were falling apart, looking at a piece of individuality I’d forgotten I was wearing.
“Indie?” My voice felt so weak. “Don’t be mad.” I tried to smile, but it fled from my face as quickly as it had arrived.
THUD. THUD. THUD. The footsteps wouldn’t stop ringing against my mind.
“Come on.” Indie held out his hand towards me, wanting to help me to my feet.
I stared at his hand. I hesitated for a moment, wondering if I deserved it.
“Come on,” he said again, smiling down at me.
I pushed against the tiredness of my muscles. I took another breath in. And out. In. And. Out. Then I reached up and took his hand, finally.
He helped me to my feet then suddenly pulled me into a tight embrace. “Are you okay?” he whispered in my ear.
“No. Are you?”
“No.” Indie laughed as quietly as he could.
I laughed too. Behind us, I heard the play continuing on with flutters of monologues floating across the hall. “I’m sorry I wasn’t here earlier.”
“As in earlier tonight? Or earlier this week? Or maybe earlier this-this month? Or year?”
“Probably all of the above.”
“It’s okay. You-you don’t need to get too emotional with me now.”
“Me? Emotional? That doesn’t sound right.” Tears dripped down my cheek.
“I know—it doesn’t.” He felt my tears fall onto his shoulder. “And thanks for bringing a bigger audience to the play. Now there’s-there’s a whole row of teachers watching the final act.”
My stomach tightened. “I’m sorry, Indie. I didn’t know where else to go. I don’t even know why I ran—”
“It doesn’t matter.”
“But I know this play is—”
“It’s-it’s okay, really. They-they won’t take you away when you’re on stage. They don’t want to cause a scene with the mayor watching.”
“The mayor? That’s right. We should’ve done something—”
“Hey. I-I said it doesn’t matter.” He pulled back from our embrace. “I’m literally in the-the middle of a performance. Can we focus on that for now?”
I nodded. “I am sorry, though… It’s been a crazy few weeks, hasn’t it?”
“For you? Yeah, it looks like you’ve been through a lot.”
“I have so much to tell you.”
“You-you should’ve just told me everything from the start. That would’ve made it easier.”
“I know… I just thought you’d be mad at me or hate me or something.”
“Hate you?” His soft smile creased his eyes. “Saffron, of course I would hate you. I always will.” He laughed again.
And I laughed too.
THUD. THUD. THUD.
“But-but I should’ve told you everything too. We should’ve done it all together.”
“We should’ve.” I nodded. “I’ll remember that for next time then?”
“Next time? There’s going to be a next time?”
“Probably?”
“Then I’m gonna regret saying that, aren’t I?”
“I’m sure you won’t.” I knew he would.
THUD. THUD. THUD.
Indie spoke even quieter “And you know… You know it’s not-it’s not your fault, right?”
“What?
“The other day, you said it was your fault for-for Ray. And I know it’s easy to blame yourself, I-I know I’ve done that too. But please just-just remember it isn’t your fault. It isn’t.”
“I know… I think… I don’t know.” I really didn’t know. “I just always wonder what would’ve happened if he didn’t get sent to Detention and if I’d been sent here instead of him, if he didn’t take the fall for me like he always did.”
“But-but exactly, Saffron. He always did. He took every fall for everyone, remember? He was always sacrificing himself for others. And-and even if we went back in time and he knew what the outcome would be, he would-he would probably do it all again.” He would.
THUD. THUD. THUD.
Indie pulled away from me, looking towards the stage, waiting for his final cue. “We still have so much to talk about. You’re-you’re not off the hook for anything yet.”
“I figured… And I’m sorry for getting us both into this mess in the first—”
“It-it doesn’t matter now. Seriously.” He stopped her. “All that-all that matters now is finishing Ray’s play. You’re going to-to join me in the final lines, right?”
I paused.
“Right?”
I didn’t know if I had the energy left to perform one final scene.
“Unless you’d rather just-just leave with that row of teachers you came in with? I’m sure they’d love to talk to you about whatever mess you’ve gotten yourself into.”
I let myself smile.
“So you’ll join me?”
“I guess I probably owe you that much.”
“That much? You-you definitely owe me so much more.” He smiled wider. “But good. I’m-I’m glad you’re finally joining me, even if it is all last minute in your usual matchstick style.”
“And I’m glad you’re not entirely mad at me.”
“Well, let’s not push it.” He softly laughed. “And you know…you know Ray would be glad you’re joining his play too.”
I paused again, for longer. “You know he never took the drug? He had appointments with Helios and his dad, but he never took it.”
“He didn’t?” Indie paused too. “That doesn’t surprise me.”
“So you were right. There were never any real answers here.”
“Wait. What-what was that? Say that again?” Indie grinned.
“You were right.” I rolled my eyes.
“I know.” Indie put his hand in his pocket and pulled out a purple shoelace. “I also believe this is yours. Ray’s Dad gave it to me to-to look after. I didn’t get a chance to give it back to you earlier.”
THUD. THUD. THUD.
I looked down at the shoelace I had missed. “Thanks.” I let Indie tie it around my wrist, covering the cut that was across it. Then I held on to it, twirling it between my fingers, relieved to have it with me again.
“So, you’re-you’re not going to run away this time?”
“Run away?” I whispered. “I wouldn’t even dream of it.” I meant it.
He held out his hand once more. I took it. Then he pulled me onto the stage.
We walked into the blinding spotlight together. I didn’t have much energy left, but I knew it would be over soon. Indie gave me one last comforting smile then left me next to Ashiya and the other nameless characters before he stepped back into the centre of the stage.
I looked at Ashiya.
She gave me her usual positive smile that never left her face. “What kind of trouble did you get into without me?” she whispered, leaning in close to my ear.
“Far too much,” I whispered back.
“You should’ve let me help you.”
“I’m sure there’ll be a next time.”
“There always is.” She grinned. “Are you joining us for a great end to this performance then?”
“I guess I have to.” I nodded.
“Are you feeling ready?”
“Definitely not.”
“Good.” She silently laughed under her breath. “Then it’ll be even more fun.”
“It’ll be fun?”
“Very.”
THUD. THUD. THUD.
“For now I see the beast as it truly is.” Indie started his final lines, speaking out in a loud, confident voice towards the audience. “Now I understand it was never a monster, a three-headed devil, a treacherous beast that wanted to devour me. Now I see there was never any caliginous evil there, and there was never anything to worry about. For you have always been with me.
“You have been through my struggles, through my torment, through my pain. And I admit I have neglected you and repressed you. I admit I have been worse to you than you have been to me. Yet I now know I shouldn’t be fighting you; I never should have been fighting you. You’re not a demon of darkness or a great beast. You’re just a shadow. A mere absence of light. Something everyone has. And something we can never get rid of, no matter how much we try… I know the world is the real monster. I know the world is to blame for my sorrows, not you. Not myself.”
THUD. THUD. THUD.
Indie looked back towards me. He nodded, gesturing for me to take his place and take over the narrative.
THUD. THUD. THUD.
I looked out at the audience. I stepped forwards. I still felt so unsteady on my feet. My body was crushing me with pain. I felt everyone’s eyes intently watching me, staring at me, judging me. I saw the mayor’s plain blond hair and fake smile looking towards me. I saw the line of teachers at the back of the room, waiting for me. I saw Mr Woods with his arms folded, standing in the centre. Then I saw Sylver standing next to him—
Sylver was barely standing upright. He was out of breath, damaged, tired. He was in as much pain as I was, maybe even more. But still he smiled at me. I don’t know why he smiled at me. Remember to breathe. And I don’t know why I smiled back.
THUD. THUD. THUD.
I took a breath in. And out. We can do this. I cleared my throat. I felt myself speak as the words I had once etched into my heart began to flow out. “The fight against yourself is such a fearful war. It is a fight against your very existence, where all your dreams slowly become a nightmare truth. And all your thoughts turn into torture and torment. It feels as though the world no longer wants you there. It feels like you no longer want to be there too. The world becomes nothing more than a stage. It is merely a place to act your part. A place for you to hide the very truth. It is where you pretend that you are fine, when in reality you know you’re not.”
I paused, squinting in the beam of the bright spotlight. Everything felt so heavy. I felt my posture shift, like it was collapsing in on itself, giving in to the exhaustion. But still I continued; I had to finish the play; I had to end it. “Is this it? Is this all life is? One huge swirling mess of confusion that doesn’t lead anywhere? Should I keep fighting for the will to live or should I end my pain while I still can?” I felt my legs shake and finally give in. Then I dropped to my knees, letting them crash against the stage.
THUD. THUD. THUD.
“What the Hell have I done with my life? Is this all it has come to in the end? Is this all that life will ever come to? Is this all there is left for me now?” I paused again. The world was so quiet, like it was finally waiting for me, just long enough to catch my breath. “Or maybe it is time to fix what is broken? To put back the pieces, one at a time, to fit it together again.”
Indie put his hand on my shoulder, filling me with a comforting ease. I looked up at him. I smiled. He helped me to my feet again. Then he took over the melody of the words.
“I know this world is unfair. I know it is cruel and torturous and relentless.” He effortlessly projected his voice like a sweet song. “But I also know it is all we have and it is all we will ever have. And I think—no, I believe—it is a life that is worth suffering. It is worth breaking. It is worth all the pain imaginable. Or then again, perhaps it is something more. Perhaps it has always been something more. Rather, it could be a life that is worth trying.” He looked back at me. He smiled. “But I don’t know. And maybe I will never know. All I know for sure is that my heart is still thud-thud-thudding. And I am still breathing. Still breathing in and out. In and out. In. And—”
THUD. THUD. THUD.
THUD. THUD. THUD.
My stomach tightened as I watched Indie speak the final words of Ray’s play. I couldn’t help think of Ray. I grabbed my shoelace bracelet, twirling it between my fingers. My heart raced and my mind thought back. Back to a year ago. To the memories I had almost let myself forget. Almost.
THUD. THUD. THUD.
THUD. THUD. THUD.
THUD. THUD. THUD.
I sat in the brightly lit church, letting my blue strands of hair hang in front of my face. I looked through them towards the altar, where a picture of Ray was standing. He seemed so happy in the photo, so full of life, with his dark shining eyes and his stupid one-sided smile. I heard people around me crying, sniffling, whispering to one another while I kept my eyes on the picture of Ray. I didn’t want to move my gaze off it.
Nothing else around me felt real. I didn’t want it to be real. But then I heard footsteps enter the church, walking together in unison, getting closer and closer and closer. They had a beat to them. A thud. THUD. THUD. I heard them building, growing closer to me with every step. THUD. THUD. THUD. But I kept my eyes forward, looking at that picture, looking at his stupid one-sided smile. I didn’t want the footsteps to ever catch up to me. THUD. THUD. THUD. I didn’t want them to be here. THUD. I didn’t want to see what they were carrying on their shoulders. THUD. I didn’t want it to be true. THUD—
Suddenly my body tensed as the footsteps walked past me. THUD. THUD. THUD. With a coffin on their shoulders. THUD. THUD. THUD. With the biggest pain of all on their shoulders. THUD. Ray’s coffin. THUD. Goosebumps covered my skin. THUD. Six people were carrying the coffin. THUD. Ray’s Dad was one of them. THUD. Indie was another. THUD. They were all trying to stay strong as they bore the weight of his body.
I felt my sore, red eyes well up with more tears, but I stopped them. I didn’t want them to cry anymore. I didn’t want any of this to be real. THUD. THUD. THUD. I looked around. Everyone else’s eyes had already let their tears run down their faces. Even the strong football players who usually had a tough façade were letting themselves cry. THUD. THUD. THUD. No one wanted to be here. No one wanted this to be happening.
Music was playing somewhere in the distance, as a faint melodious tune attempted to lift the weight of the coffin off everyone. It resonated across the whole church. THUD. THUD. THUD. And the footsteps beat under the melody, like an ominous drum. THUD. THUD. THUD. I looked back to Ray’s picture. I didn’t want to take my eyes off his picture. THUD. I didn’t want to take my eyes off him. THUD. I didn’t want to lose him.
THUD. The coffin was laid down beside the picture of his stupid one-sided smile. Ray’s Mum placed an arrangement of flowers next to it, which coiled around piping to spell out the word SON. His dad stood with her, holding on to her tightly. Then he took off the purple football scarf he’d been wearing and placed it on the top of the coffin.
I grabbed the shoelace I had just been given, wrapping it around my wrist into a bracelet, not wanting to ever let it go. Then I saw the priest stand up. He spoke out to the many people squeezed into the church. His words flowed like honey, and I held on to every syllable, looking for an explanation within them, wanting to find some meaning to his death. “O Lord, support us all the day long of this troublous life, until the shadows lengthen and the evening comes, and the busy world is hushed, and the fever of life is over.” But there wasn’t any to be found. Not even a slither of closure ran through his speech. Until he gestured out to the audience, and Indie was invited up to the altar.
Indie walked up, shaking as he gripped a single piece of paper covered in markings and tear stains. Then, as he found his position, he stopped, turning to look down at everyone. He took a long breath, pushed his black hair out of his face, then began to read from his paper.
“So I-I didn’t know what I should say today. Well, I-I-I…” He took another long breath. He steadied himself. “I don’t think any of us really know what to say… I still can’t even believe he’s gone… I just…I haven’t really comprehended it yet. It’s like-like, I still think he’s going to be in the bar when I go to work. Or-or I still think he’s going to come over to my house to watch a movie together. I even, sometimes, still think he’s going to be there, next to me, when I wake up in the morning. And then-then when he isn’t, I think about inviting him over or even planning when to see him again. I sometimes go to call him or start walking over to his house… The pain…the pain that he’s not there is hard enough. But the pain…the pain that he’ll never be there again destroys me every time…
“I should probably also start by saying happy twentieth birthday to Ray, even though this definitely wasn’t the way we planned to be celebrating. We never agreed on this.” Some people laughed for the first time since they had entered this church. It felt nice to laugh, even in the cruelty of the situation. “He almost made it to twenty. Almost.
“But anyway. Anyway, today we should use this space to remember his life and-and the amazing times he did have when he was with us. I know how much all the amazing times we had together meant to me. Like, he-he accepted me for who I was; he helped me socialise with more people; he pushed me out of my comfort zone all the time. He was just-just such a kind, caring person. He was always so happy, so relaxed, so confident in himself. He loved meeting people, making new friends, going out, having adventures. He just, like, took every opportunity he could. And I know his beaming smile and uplifting personality won’t be forgotten, not by anyone, not anywhere…
“Not in his house, where he loved spending time with his mum, his dad, his two younger sisters. They were always going out together, having family trips, or movie nights, or going hiking and getting themselves lost every single time.” More people let themselves laugh. “Not in his university, where he made such fast, strong friendships. And even though he dropped out of his course, he still carried on spending time with everyone, socialising, having fun, and having some pretty wild nights that probably aren’t appropriate to share right now.” Even more people let themselves laugh. “Not by his football friends, who have been through so many wins and losses together, though probably more losses than Ray would admit.” And more people laughed again. “Not by his work at the bar, with the people he loved spending time with, where he always enjoyed going, where he helped so many people, where he always had such a huge, genuine smile. Not by his friends—any of his friends, all of his friends—from high school, from college, from all his extracurricular activities, his plays, his shows, from everywhere he’s ever set foot. And definitely not by me. I will think about him every single day for the rest of my life. Maybe-maybe we all will…
“Anyway. Anyway, on a final note… We all, probably, know Ray loved collecting shoes. After he died, his family gave me some of his favourite pairs of trainers. I’m actually wearing some now, if you can see. And I-I never plan to take them off, even if they are far too big for my feet.” They laughed once more. “And I’ve found that every time I look down at my feet and see these trainers, I’m reminded of him. But-but I’m not reminded of his death. No. Instead-instead I think about his life. I think about all those fun, happy times we had together; all those times he helped me; all those times he inspired me with his kindness. So I-I guess, like, these shoes represent his life, and I think this funeral should represent that, his life, too. We should be remembering the amazing, kind, fun, confident, selfless person he was. We should always remember that actually. And Ray, if you’re, like, somewhere out there, listening to me, I-I just want you to know…I’m sorry for wearing your shoes. I know if you were here, you’d absolutely hate it, as yes, I will probably get them dirty and yes, I will forget to wash them the proper way. But I promise-I promise I’ll try my best to keep them clean…for you.
“So thank you for coming to watch our show tonight. This play has been dedicated to you, Ray. We’ll never forget you.” The audience clapped as Indie continued to smile out at the crowd from the centre of the stage. I was pulled back to the present from their loud whistles and cheers throughout the hall as they stood in their seats. And the row of teachers started to move closer towards me. “Thank you once again and good night!”
The actors took their bows as the audience cheered and cheered and cheered. I stood at the back of the stage, watching Indie, smiling at him, cheering along with the crowd. Then I looked at Indie’s feet, staring at the same trainers that really were far too big for him.