I
I have to accept what I’ve done because there’s no way to change it.
The aftertaste of the pill continued to dry out Saffron’s mouth. I can’t change anything now. I can only keep going forward. She looked around at the cult of people she was now a part of as the fire continued to sway and dance and twirl in the centre. But forward into what?
“Hello, my fellow revolvers, my comrades-in-arms, my audience members.” Ashiya stood on a broken wooden table that was slowly sinking into the mud. She wore a black hijab with a crown of twigs and thorns placed on top of it, fixed neatly around her head. “Thank you for coming here today and joining me as I confront the demons.” The demons? “As we finally confront the things no one else chooses to talk about, which the rest of this society would rather hide away.”
The crowd cheered, shaking their hands with outstretched fingers instead of clapping. Saffron tried to mirror their movements to blend in, trying to seem like she had herself together. But you’re broken into pieces. You’re lost in the abyss of the world. The colours of the scene shifted, growing brighter and blurrier. Blurrier? Is that a word? It feels like a word—no, concentrate. Don’t lose yourself yet.
“I would like to share with you my story, if you would all be so kind as to listen.”
The music changed tracks, and a low cello began to play a minor yet melodious tune. Ashiya’s words fell perfectly over the melody, moving in the same tempo, flowing in a beautifully serene string of notes.
“Is she putting on an act or something?” Indie whispered, leaning into Saffron’s ear.
“I told you, she had a Helios appointment and took the drug, the drug with all those effects.” Saffron acted as normal as she could, even though her stomach was knotted with nausea. Normal? How the Hell could you ever act normal? “Whatever’s happening to her also happened to Ray.”
“No, I think it’s just an act.” He doesn’t believe you. He never did.
“I was rebellious in my youth,” Ashiya continued over them. “So rebellious that they locked me away and tried to control me. They tried to make me into another obedient citizen of Medlock.”
The crowd booed, shaking their heads back and forth again and again and—
“When they realised they couldn’t control me, they sedated me with a drug.” Helios. “A drug that warped my view of the world, changed my mind, and caused me to see the demons that live amongst us.” Demons? “It was a lotus fruit, a way for them to keep us sedated, keep us in line, keep us quiet.” Lotus fruit?
“See?” Saffron nudged Indie. “The drug must’ve hurt her, like it hurt Ray.” She looked at him for a response, but all she saw was his face twisting together as his eyes became one. What? Nothing felt right—it didn’t. What was in that pill?
The fire danced with the crowd, swivelling and spiralling to the beat of the music. Is fire supposed to look like that? Saffron’s shadow swayed along with it, stretching itself to stand upright. It’s definitely not supposed to look like that. She looked up to the many windows that looked back at her. It really is a miracle no teachers have caught us. Let’s hope no one’s watching. But someone’s always watching—no, something is always watching. Something was watching.
“We were given the drug for an experiment.” As Ashiya’s voice came to a crescendo, so did the cello music. An experiment? The trial. The caliginent trial. Concentrate. Listen to every. single. word. “But they didn’t care how we reacted, if we lived, if we died. They just saw us as data.” Is it all just a meaningless experiment? “Society doesn’t care about us, about people who rebel, about young people in Detention, about anyone. They’re so wrapped up in their own greed they’ll push great weights on their chests for all eternity without ever looking at anything outside their own selfishness.”
What is she talking about? The crowd shouted out again—some booed and some cheered, but the noise merged into one howling mess. Is she even talking? Or is her mouth just moving and words are coming out? What? No, concentrate. Listen. To. Her.
“They don’t even care about all of us here!” Ashiya shouted. “They’re not watching us or listening to us right now. What kind of an institution is this really? One that simply sedates its inmates and uses them in frivolous medical trials instead of doing anything to help us? Instead of doing anything to save us?” Just like how they didn’t save Ray. No one saved Ray. “They don’t care what we’re doing. They don’t care who is living, who is surviving, who is dying. They probably won’t even care when I die too.” She paused. “Will anyone care?”
Saffron looked across the crowd, trying to focus on the people she thought she knew. Focus. Focus. Fo-cus? That’s a strange word. She could just about see the bright-blue hair of one person, but they disappeared as quickly as she had found them. Is it even a word? The crowd was merging together, forming one incoherent mess–—Concentrate on Ashiya. She looked back up at Ashiya, seeing her face, her clothes, her pain blurring together. Focus. Fo-cus. Everything spun and twisted and coiled around her vision— Concentrate. You have to try and concen—what is going on?
“And now,” Ashiya continued. “Now I must confront the caliginent beasts they planted inside my mind and vanquish them back to whence they came.”
The crowd cheered again, captivated by her siren voice. Their cheers tried to match the pitch of the cello’s notes too but didn’t quite line up the way Ashiya’s voice did. Instead they formed more discordant harmonies, screeching against one another in clashes of notes.
“Whence? Did she really just use the word whence?” Indie whispered, nudging Saffron’s arm.
Yeah, she did. Saffron smiled at him. His face looks so strange. She blinked at him. Did he always have one eye?
Then the drumbeat returned. It sped up the music with its constant tapping, tapping, tapping, falling under the cello’s tune. Ashiya jumped down from the table in one swift motion, moving in time with the music. How is she going to vanquish the caliginent? She walked through the crowd, whose applause suddenly had become an explosion of hisses. How is she going to fight it off when Ray couldn’t? Then she stopped in front of the fire. Is it how Curtis had to fight the caliginent? She held out her hands in front of her, waving them through the smoke. It’s nighttime after all. The caliginent will be coming. It’s coming. It’s here. Isn’t it? It was. I’m here. The shadows shifted around the crowd, reaching out to grab them all. But Saffron didn’t notice anything.
“Let us banish our own greed and cleanse ourselves of the sins of others,” Ashiya announced. What is she talking about? “Let us sail into the underworld and call forth the lost souls of the demons together!” Lost souls of the demons? “Let us stop repressing our caliginent beasts, and instead let’s bring them back into the mortal realm. Let us bring them into our lives to make us whole once more.”
The crowd chanted along with the beat of the music. But they were each saying something different. They all moved their mouths and let whatever random words they felt come out—demons, fire, words, hope, control, drugs, Ashiya, together, more words, flames—forming a cacophony of words that mashed together. It sounded insane. It is insane.
“This. Is. So. Matchstick,” Indie said in time with the crowd’s chanting. Saffron tried to look at him again, but her eyes were fixed on the fire—the flames, the danger, the beast.
“Louder!” Ashiya yelled as the crowd raised their voices, screaming any random word they chose—devil, demon, sorcerer, words, help, darkness, Helios, fear, blood, shadow, Shade, more words, life—shouting them out again and again and…
Saffron knew people inside the building must be hearing them by now—there’s no way they’re not hearing us. Yet no lights were on; no faces appeared at the windows; no one seemed to care. Maybe the teachers really don’t watch us. Maybe no one cares about us. No one cares about me. And why would they? Why. Would. They?
“Why. Are. We. Here?” Indie shouted into the screams as he tried to catch Saffron’s eyes.
She flicked her gaze towards him. His features were patterning together. What? His smile faded into a frown. What? He was pulling at his earlobe, tearing at it, clawing at it—no. She turned back to the flames; they were easier to fo-cus on. Are they? Yes, the flames had the same surge of energy she did. They understood her. Do they? They were part of her.
Suddenly Ashiya let out a violent scream that pierced through my ears.
The crowd went silent. The cello halted its tune. But the THUD of the drumbeat carried on.
If you show fear or weakness.
Ashiya fell to her knees into the mud, inches away from the flames as smoke twirled into her face.
If you show tears or misery.
Her eyes retreated into the back of her head.
The shadow will catch you and eat your mind.
Her face stared up at the sky.
The shadow will turn you into prey.
Saffron stared down at Ashiya through the sparks of fire, which flickered and rippled, roaring to life. The never-ending drumbeat floated through her body as her feet tapped along to the tempo, the THUD—
The shadow is coming.
THUD—
“It’s coming!” Ashiya yelled, as the crowd repeated her words in poisonous screams.
THUD.
“It’s here!”
It’s here to take you away.
II
“The demons are here!” Ashiya shouted at the top of her voice. “They’ve always been here!” She was on her knees, sinking into the mud. She was so close to the hellish flames, letting them dance before her. “They never left!”
The music became a mess of instruments. There was woodwind, brass, strings—yet it felt like they were fighting for the tune, clawing at one another to take over the jarring melody. And the drumbeat was still there—it’s always there—yet it was moving faster. It was no longer in time to the music but striving ahead of it, trying to run away from it.
Saffron’s eyes burned as she watched the huge convex of fire. The flames parted, and she felt a dark spirit rise up from the smoke. The caliginent. Flickers of faces and eyes and teeth and grins moved upwards through the air. Is it really here? Is the caliginent here? I’M HERE. The flames felt brighter as the world seemed darker. She tried to look elsewhere, but she couldn’t move her head; she couldn’t move away. Her flameful eyes were locked on to the dancing, twirling patterns of the fire. It’s always been here? I watched her intently as she seemed to watch me back. It never left my side.
“You thought you could control me. You thought you could punish me for misbehaving. You thought your drug would make me fall in line,” Ashiya howled into the fire. The drug. The delusions. “You thought wrong. Nothing can control us.” The paranoia. “We are free.” The mania. “We will never bow to your will.” The seizures. “Nevermore.” The hallucinations. “Even your demons cannot stop us!” The caliginent.
The pit of fire became a huge bonfire, attempting to burn the caliginent demons alive in a sacrificial ritual. Saffron peered into the heart of the flames, past the glowing light, towards the centre of the fire. But all she could see was an infinite sea of darkness. Darkness? It was a darkness that had been following her for a while now, that had been crawling closer to her every day. It was a beast, a Scylla, something that was trying to stop her from returning home to stability, to the real world. It was trying to reach her, to enter your mind and take over your body, to turn you into a caliginent, to take you away. It threatened the boundaries of reality, of sanity. And it could smell the cracks that were forming in her mind. It knew she was falling apart, breaking from the inside out.
Saffron stared farther into the darkness, then farther again, and again, until she saw it form a shape, a body. It was almost humanoid in its form, almost. It drew her in, pulling her closer towards the fire, then closer again and again. It forced her to drop to her knees, inches from the flames. She felt the heat on her face as her knees sank into the muddy ground. She couldn’t move away—you can’t get away. She couldn’t look away—you’re mine now.
“We are not mindless, planetary souls you can manipulate!” Ashiya’s voice cracked under the weight of her words. “We are human beings who have free will and who will fight! We will always fight against you. No matter how hard you try to stop us.” Stop us. “We will fight to the death for our freedom!” To the death. “And even then our freedom will not die.” Die.
Saffron watched Ashiya through the flames, which were eager to feed off her broken mind. They were both kneeling in the mud, drawn in by the fire, almost mirroring each other, almost. Then she noticed the people around them. They were holding hands. They were forming a circle around them—no, there was another circle around that and another around that and… She counted nine circles. And they were all dancing, skipping, laughing. Laughing? Yes, they were laughing. Laughing at you.
They moved with the loud, clashing notes of the music, jerking their bodies in time to the disrupting rhythm. Their blank uniforms blurred together, falling into one. They contrasted sharply against the deep darkness in the heart of the flames. They were much brighter, much clearer, as though they were attempting to fight off the darkness—even though no one can fight it off—as though they were trying to contain it in the innermost circle—even though nothing could contain such an uncontrollable darkness—as though they were trying to stop the caliginent from getting free, even though I was so close to her now.
The circles of people chanted, shouting out word after word after word. Saffron could barely make out any one sound, but her mind merged them together, into words, sentences, into Ray’s stories, his rhymes, his warnings. “The shadow will catch you and eat your mind.” Their voices grew louder. “The shadow will turn you into prey.” They became more in sync with one another, with every syllable. “The shadow is coming. It’s coming. It’s here,” they screamed. “It’s here to take you away!”
“We’re not scared of you, demons!” Ashiya’s voice croaked with fading breath. “You cannot kill me!” Kill me? “You cannot control me!” Control me? “No matter how much you want me to submit, no matter what drugs you choose to poison my glass with, I will fight to the death for our freedom!” And even then our freedom will not die.
Then the inner circle of people moved in closer. And closer. And. Closer. They smiled down at them with tilted heads. They look so creepy. So very creepy. Then suddenly they moved as one, moving their stares onto Ashiya. Then Saffron. Ashiya. Then Saffron. Ashiya.
“I’m not scared of you—I’m not,” Ashiya croaked, but her voice was failing. “I’m not, I’m—”
Saffron’s vision blurred and twisted her mind. She wanted to get to Ashiya, wanted to speak to her. She tried looking at her, crawling to her, reaching out to her—but she couldn’t. Her body felt frozen and lifeless. All she could do was watch the hive of people move around them.
Then one of them grabbed her by the shoulder—please stop hurting that shoulder—then used it to pull her back hard, dragging her away. Stop it. Until her back fell against the ground with a THUD, soaking her clothes in mud. She was now perfectly centred in the circle, next to Ashiya. Ashiya. Is she okay? What did the drug do to her? What did the caliginent do to— But then she saw Ashiya was laughing. Laughing? Her voice was croaked and cracked, but still she laughed and laughed and laughed, letting out all the air left in her lungs until her laughter was silent. And even then she kept laughing.
What is happening? Saffron looked through the circles of people as they skipped around her, but she couldn’t fo-cus on anything. Her mind was lost in the madness of it all. Except the fire. She could see the fire. The flames. The heat. She saw the smoke move around her, pirouetting in time to the music, leaping through her hair. She looked closer, and closer, and closer, until she saw past the flames, through the darkness, and out to the other side of Hell. She saw a figure that looked like Ray. The fight against yourself is such a fearful war…
Ray? Yes, Ray. It is a fight against your very existence, where all your dreams become a nightmare truth. He stood there with his relaxed posture, his purple football scarf, and his bright-white trainers. And all your thoughts turn into torture and torment. He had his stupid one-sided smile plastered on his face. And his cold, dead eyes were staring at Saffron.
“Ray?” Saffron’s voice croaked. It was painful to speak.
Flames danced around his body. Why didn’t you tell us what was happening to you? He held on to his favourite, purple hip flask as he smiled hazily at Saffron. Why didn’t you tell me? His eyes were glowing flames of red. Why didn’t you let us in? Tears of fire fell from his face. Why didn’t you let me in? I saw them fall from her face too. You should have let me in.
She reached out her hand towards him, towards the flames. It was my fault, wasn’t it? She moved her hands into the smoke, going farther towards the fire itself. This shouldn’t have happened. I just wanted to save you. She felt like she was part of the smoke, part of the shadows. I should’ve saved you. Why didn’t I save you? Why didn’t I save anyone? Her hands touched the fire, and her shoelace bracelet seemed to burn in the flames. Am I fated to lose everyone around me? Her entire hand burned. To return home empty and alone? The pain stung her body with blistering heat. Lost and frightened? Yet still she kept her hand outstretched towards him, lost in the flames like an angel of light. Hopeless?
“Saffron!” Arms wrapped around her body and pulled her away from the fire, freeing her from its grasp. “What are you doing?” It hurts. “Are you okay?” It hurts so much.
Her eyes felt as heavy as her shoulders of Atlas, heavy with despair, with pain, with the weight of the world. She tried looking around to find the voice, but the pain, the pain, the pain brought her back to her hand, to the burn, to the fire. What is wrong with me?
“Come on.” The arms tightened around her waist—get off—then raised her off the ground—stop it—and placed her onto her feet. “Hey!” She had to see Ray. Ray? Where is he? She had to save him. She had to show him that someone was still looking for him, that someone still cared about him. “Saffron! Please!”
She blinked several times. The music stopped. When did it stop? She looked away from the fire, away from her hand, and back to reality, right? She saw trainers that were far too big for their feet. Indie. “Hey.” She watched the colours merge together as Indie’s blurry face appeared in front of her. Thank Hell you’re here.
“Let’s get out of here.”
Out of here? The pain in her hand felt like it was rising, as though she were still trapped inside the fire. Why would we get out of here? Or the fire was trapped inside her.
“Okay?”
Okay? Why would anything be okay? “But what about Ray?” Saffron asked. He’s there. We can save him. “We can save him.”
“We’re going.” Going? He put her arm over his shoulder and helped her walk away from the fire.
Wait. “Wait. But we need to save Ray from the shadows. From the caliginent.” We need to defeat them. Saffron resisted his grip and pushed him off. We can’t leave him. We can’t leave Ray.
“Saffron, please, we don’t-we don’t have time.” He tried to meet her eyes, but she couldn’t find him.
She turned around, back towards the blazing fire, back towards the figure of Ray—
But the fire was no longer there. The crowd of people weren’t there either. Instead, all she saw was a blinding darkness covering the scene in an endless abyss. No, there was something more to it. Feet were standing on the muddy ground. No, they were boots.
She moved her eyes upwards, squinting through its shroud of shadows. Legs were attached to the boots. And a torso was stitched onto them. Then arms were on that. Arms? Arms that looked more like sharpened claws shaped into a scythe. And above all that was a tilted head. Its fanged teeth were dripping with hunger, its red eyes burning with flames as they stared down at her.
She stumbled backwards, away from the large shadow of impenetrable darkness that towered before her. She choked on the air—air? No, that wasn’t the smoke-filled air. That was breath. Cold, frosted breath that was beating out from the monstrous shadow in time to her racing heart.
“Saffron.” Indie grabbed her hand.
She turned towards him. “What is that? What is it? Why is it here?”
“Please, let’s just go.” Indie pulled her backwards.
“No, it’s here. It’s here. It’s actually here. Look, Indie. It. Is. Here—”
BEEP. BEEP. BEEP.
A loud alarm suddenly screeched over the top of them.
BEEP. BEEP. BEEP.
A blinding, flashing red light spun around and around and—
BEEP. BEEP. BEEP.
Saffron turned back to look at the mountain of darkness, but it had dissipated into the night’s air. “What’s going on? Where is it? Where did it go?” Saffron tried to fo-cus. She tried to look at Indie. At the crowd of people. At Ashiya. But she couldn’t see anyone. It was all blurring together. It was all becoming one mess of a world—it’s always one mess of a world.
BEEP. BEEP. BEEP.
“Saffron,” Indie’s voice was in her ear. “You-you have to act as normal as possible, okay? Don’t say anything. Keep-keep silent. Keep your head down and your eyes down. Don’t let them see that you’ve taken a pill. Don’t let them know how messed up you are.” Don’t let anyone know how messed up you are. “Okay?” Don’t let anyone see the truth.
BEEP. BEEP. BEEP.
She felt Indie’s hand in hers. She looked at it, seeing that her hand wasn’t burned, if it ever really had burned. And her shoelace bracelet was still intact, swinging against her wrist. Act normal. Put on a show. Okay? Yes. Okay. I can do this. I do this every day. What’s one more?
BEEP. BEEP. BE—
“Get down on the ground!” Mr Woods’s voice bellowed as the alarm stopped.
What’s one more?
“Now!”
III
“Come on, Saffron,” Indie whispered as he helped her to the ground, still holding her hand, squeezing it tightly. “Please-please, Saffron. Please.”
“Get down on the ground!”
Get it together. Come on. Concentrate. Come. On. Saffron’s world was blurring and twisting and coiling. Nothing was still. Nothing made any sense. Nothing ever makes any sense. But Indie’s hand anchored her back to some sort of reality, some sort of world. Get. It. Together.
Somehow she made it to the ground. I don’t know how. I don’t know how either.
“Lie down!” Mr Woods yelled. “With your face on the ground and your hands behind your back!”
Too many instructions. Too many. What did he say? What was the first one? Did I do the first one? Saffron looked at everyone else. They all seemed to be more or less complying. A few were struggling as much as she was, but somehow they all found their way to the right position.
“Saffron, look at me,” Indie whispered, showing her what to do.
She copied him, but her movements were stiff and strange. It didn’t feel right. Nothing felt right. Nothing is right. She put her face on the ground. It was wet and muddy. It felt like she was sinking into the mud, drowning in her despair, in her regrets, in her guilt, drowning just like Ray.
“Look at me,” Indie whispered. “It’s okay. It’s here.”
“What? It’s here?” It’s here to take you—
“I’m here, Saffron. I’m-I’m here. I’m here.”
He’s here. He’s always here. She looked at him. She concentrated on his face. On his long, black hair with fading purple strands. He’s always been here. His dark, kind eyes. He blames you for everything, you know?
“Hurry up!” Mr Woods marched around the yard. He had his posh, southern accent on and his straight, rigid posture, which means he’s putting on a show. Just like the rest of us.
A swarm of teachers walked into the yard after him. There were five…ten…fifteen…thirty of them. Thirty? No. Maybe more. There were more teachers than she had ever seen. She didn’t even realise that many staff worked in Detention, especially at this time—what time is it again? She didn’t realise how closely they were watching her, always watching. And she definitely didn’t realise how closely I was watching her.
Mr Woods squelched his feet in the mud as he went to examine each prisoner, yelling at anyone who was out of place. “I said put your face on the ground and your hands behind your back! Now! Hurry up!”
Act normal. Keep your head down. Keep your mouth shut. Don’t bring any attention to yourself and they won’t notice you’re not right; they won’t notice you’re not okay; they won’t notice you’re falling apart.
“Now then, missy. I thought I told you to stop making my job harder than it already is?” Mr Woods’s voice echoed in her ear. Why does he always pick on me? “I knew you wouldn’t be able to last one night.” He put his muddy boot next to her face. Why is he such a condescending little—concentrate. Act normal. Be normal. “So. Why don’t you tell me exactly what you’ve been doing out here?” Don’t look up. Don’t say a word. Don’t draw any attention. “Answer me!”
Indie nodded at her, as if to give her permission to speak, to tell her it was okay, that she could do this. I can do this. She took a breath in—
She burst out coughing as she breathed in splatters of mud.
“Hey!” Mr Woods’s large claws came down on her. “Saffron!” He grabbed her shirt then pulled her off the ground and onto her feet. “Are you okay?”
She stumbled as she stood up, still coughing and spluttering—get yourself together. Her clothes and face and hair dripped with mud. You really need to have a shower after this—concentrate. Come on. Fo-cus. She found her feet, barely. She found her stability, did she? And most important, she found her smile, as always.
“Is that better?” Mr Woods frowned as he looked at her face.
She stopped coughing. She looked at Mr Woods. His face was blurring together. I can do this. I can act normal. I can. Act. Normal.
“Have you taken something?” he said, quieter.
“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” she started, surprising herself with how confidently she spoke.
Mr Woods frowned again, then darted his eyes to look at the other prisoners, the other teachers, the audience he had to impress. He stood straighter. He spoke louder. “So why don’t you tell us all what’s been going on then, missy?”
Put on a show, just like he is. It’s all just one big show. “There was a fire outside,” she said, trying to keep steady eye contact. Or is that too much eye contact?
“A fire?” He sighed.
“Yes. We didn’t know what to do as no teachers were around.” Her lies fell from her tongue like honey—this is too easy. Why is it so easy? “So we decided to stop it ourselves. After all, we didn’t want Detention to burn down, did we?”
Some of the prisoners laughed, trying to muffle it in their hands or in the mud. But somehow it only grew louder. It felt as though the world was laughing at her—wasn’t it?
Saffron looked back towards the people on the ground. But none of them were moving. They were all still. And quiet. So quiet.
“Right,” Mr Woods said with another sigh.
She looked back at him—concentrate. Stay in the moment. Stay here. Stay with me.
“So there just happened to be an accidental fire? That perfectly formed in the centre of a muddy field?”
“Exactly. What are the chances? It’s lucky no one got hurt.” She kept her gaze on Mr Woods’s harsh blue eyes, looking at one then the other. One then the other. As long as she kept moving from one then the other, one then the other, she could keep up her concentration. Maybe this is too easy because I’m not doing as well as I think I am. I never do as well as I think I am.
“And the alcohol? What about that?” Mr Woods walked around her. She tried to follow his eyes but kept losing them. “Missy?”
Stop calling me that. “Al-co-hol?” she said innocently. “What’s al-co-hol?”
She heard muffled laughter again from behind her, growing louder and louder and—
But still nothing was there. Or was it? No, nothing was there. What about the caliginent? The caliginent is coming. It’s here. Is it still here? It’s still nighttime. It still has its chance to attack. Wait. Where’s Ashiya? Did it get Ashiya?
“You think you’re smart?” Mr Woods spoke even louder, trying to intimidate anyone he could.
“I think I’m brave. Aren’t you glad I saved your life and stopped you from burning in this building?” She kept up her smile, but smiling is so exhausting. She kept her eyes open, but life is so exhausting. She felt her body wanting to stop, wanting to rest, wanting everything to be over—
“I think you’ve earned another trip to the Quiet Room.” Mr Woods gave a thin, dry smile.
The Quiet Room? Isolation? No, I can’t go there again. I can’t. Suddenly Saffron felt Mr Woods’s hands on her wrists as he pinned them behind her back. He can’t take me there again. He can’t. Can he?
The other teachers stood in a line, watching her, laughing at her, taunting her. Are they laughing? The other prisoners were laughing too. They couldn’t stop laughing. Or maybe they were drowning? Gasping for air as they breathed in mud? Gasping for life? The shadows of the night crept closer too, silently watching her. The audience was watching her. Everything was watching her. The caliginent is watching you. It’s coming closer. And closer. And—
“Stop!” A voice suddenly shouted above everything else.
A figure in a trench coat stepped out. It was Sylver. Thank Hell. He will save me. Right?
“What are you doing?” Sylver said with a sharp fierceness.
Saffron struggled to form a word. She felt too weak and tired—you are weak and tired.
“Mr Woods, what are you doing?” Sylver spoke out, louder.
Mr Woods kept hold of Saffron’s wrists. “She started this entire rebellion, Officer. They were all out of their rooms after hours. They lit a fire. They were drinking alcohol. And I’m pretty sure they were doing drugs. Look at their faces, mate. Look at their eyes.” He pulled Saffron’s head back by her hair. “Look.”
“Let go of her,” Sylver commanded.
“But look, mate, they’ve obviously—”
“I said let go of her.” Sylver’s voice grew in volume. “Now!”
Mr Woods let go of Saffron, pushing her to the side. She almost stumbled off her feet as she searched for her balance, her stability.
“You know you don’t have the authority to do this.” Sylver stepped closer to Mr Woods.
“But they were breaking the rules, numerous different rules. And I caught them. So I had to give them some punishment to set an example—”
“You didn’t have to do anything. You’re supposed to wait for your superiors.”
“But they were—”
“You are supposed to wait,” Sylver said, slower.
Mr Woods bit his tongue. “I’m sorry, Officer.”
Sylver looked back at the row of teachers. “Take them all back to their rooms!”
“Their rooms?” Mr Woods said. “But they’ve been drinking and taking illegal substances. You can’t just—”
“Take them all back to their rooms. Now,” Sylver shouted even louder.
The teachers moved in. Saffron tried to watch them, but their shapes blurred into one another. It seemed like they were effortlessly picking up the prisoners from the floor and taking them inside, taking them away.
“Officer,” Mr Woods said as politely as he could, but even Saffron sensed the frustration boiling inside him. “I must disagree. We cannot let them get away—”
“You’re not in charge here, are you?” Sylver looked back at him.
Mr Woods bit his tongue harder.
“Are you?”
“No.” Mr Woods kept his head down.
“Then do as I say.”
Saffron wanted to smirk and join in the cacophony of laughter, but she held it back. She needed to be normal, to fit in, to pretend she was okay—she was always okay. Why would you ever not be okay?
Mr Woods grabbed her wrists again, digging in deeper this time. She almost cried out in pain—but she didn’t. She couldn’t let anyone see her pain. She had to bury it deeper and deeper and deeper—
“Let’s go then, missy,” he spoke in a much quieter voice, almost regretfully so. “Looks like you’ve got yourself out of another mess.”
He pushed her back towards the door, along with the sea of other prisoners.
Then someone in the crowd screamed.
Then another screamed.
And another. “We need some help over here!”
What’s going on? Saffron looked through the crowd of people, but there were so many, too many. Everyone was huddled together, overlapping one another, merging into one another. Nothing was clear. Nothing was stable. Nothing was right.
“Get her to a hospital!”
“Now! Come on! Move!”
More screams. More movement. More chaos.
Is it the caliginent? It’s here, isn’t it? It’s really here. And now it’s got someone. Now it’s attacked. Now it’s—
“Quickly!”
Then a shadow moved past her. A shadow that looked like two people carrying Ashiya. Carrying? Or maybe they were devouring her, eating her, consuming her. Maybe they were tearing off her limbs and ripping away her flesh. Maybe they were going to take away her life, just as they had taken away Ray’s.
IV
The caliginent got Ashiya. It got her. It hurt her. Ashiya had been surrounded by other prisoners at the séance. She had fallen into the circles, the laughter, the noise. Saffron hadn’t kept track of her, as instead she had lost herself in the fire. But why didn’t you keep track of her? Why didn’t you look after her? Why didn’t you save her?
And now Ashiya wasn’t moving. She wasn’t breathing. She wasn’t living— The caliginent got her. It got her. Just like it got Ray. Ashiya took the drug. She got hurt by Helios. And now she’s fallen victim to the caliginent. It killed her. Just like it killed Ray. I shouldn’t have left her, not now, not at night, not when the caliginent is known to strike. I should’ve protected her. I should’ve protected Ray…
But how could Helios do that? How could their drug kill people? And why would they kill Ashiya? What did she do? She was loud and smart and rebellious. Just like Ray. Maybe they wanted to silence her. Just like Ray. Maybe they wanted to get rid of her. Just like Ray. And now they have. They’ve done it. They’ve drugged her. They’ve hurt her. They’ve killed her.
Just. Like. Ray.
“No,” Saffron’s weakened voice said. “They couldn’t have hurt her too.”
“Keep your mouth shut before you get yourself into any more trouble.” Mr Woods kept his hands around her wrists. “You’re lucky you’re not getting any punishment. So if I were you, I’d count my blessings.”
“Is she still alive? I can’t lose her as well. I can’t—”
“What are you talking about? Have you actually taken something?”
“I let them take Ray. I let them have him. I didn’t save him. I didn’t do anything.”
“Okay, missy. I think you need to sleep this off, then you’ll be—”
“Is she alive? Can you just tell me if she’s alive?”
“Didn’t you hear me? I said—”
Suddenly Saffron kicked out her foot behind her, right into Mr Woods.
Mr Woods let go of her wrists as he screamed out in pain.
“What are you doing?” he shouted, clutching his leg as he stumbled backwards.
“I’m sorry, but I have to save her.” She moved away. “I have to save Ray.”
Then she ran.
“Hey! Where are you going?” he shouted after her. “Come back!”
She didn’t look back. She couldn’t. Her eyes were stuck on the shadow of Ashiya as she ran ahead. She pushed past rows of other prisoners, of teachers, of me. She pushed past them all. Hurry up. I have to save her. I have to do something. I have to—
The shadow of Ashiya was ahead of her, somewhere. Or at least what she thought was Ashiya, right? Right? Or maybe it was more than that. Maybe she was running towards the twists of shadows that had been running towards her—keep going, don’t stop now. She had to catch up to it. She had to see if Ashiya was alive. She had to save her. Save her? You can’t save anyone. You can’t even save yourself.
Saffron pushed her way back into the wide, open corridor. Some prisoners were going back into their cells. Some teachers were standing around. No one was looking at her. No one cared about her. She fell into a sprint, running down the corridor, clinging to its darkness. She could see the shadow of Ashiya in front of her—it’s getting away. She had to catch up to it. I have to. Even if it meant finally facing the demons that were facing her. Don’t stop.
“Stop!” voices yelled after her.
“Come back, missy!”
She reached the frosted-glass door at the end of the corridor. The teachers had left it wide-open, as though they were inviting her inside. She kept her eyes ahead of her at the shadow, the shadow that was somewhere, somewhere, there? Within the darkness? Something is in the darkness. Something is moving in the darkness. She ran through the door and into the narrow corridor. Something is there. No, something is here. She saw Ashiya far ahead of her, going up the staircase—right? It’s not just my eyes playing tricks on me? The world around her was growing darker and darker and—no. It was never just my eyes playing tricks on me. The corridor was getting narrower and narrower and—there was always something there. Her own shadow seemed to be growing larger and larger—and there was always something to worry about. And larger.
She pushed her way through it all, driving forwards, squeezing through the tight corridors. I have to reach her. She clung on to every drop of energy she had. I have to save her. She forced herself through the familiar, tenebrous paths. I have to catch up to her. Catch up to what? Catch up to everything. Everything? Everything.
“Stop running now!”
She sprinted up the staircase. She jumped up the stairs one at a time—two at a time, three at a time, four at a time, five at a time? Six at a time? The steps were merging into one another, melting into a deep pit of nothingness. It felt as though they wanted to swallow her whole and keep her locked in the pits of Detention forever.
“Come back here!”
Keep going. You can reach it. You can reach everything. Saffron’s lungs were collapsing. You can finally catch up to what you’ve been running from. She searched for air, gasping for it, begging for it. But it kept getting away as quickly as she took it in. You can finally let it back in. The air was moving too fast for her. It was escaping her. It was leaving her. Everything is leaving you. Everyone has left you. But still she ran and ran and ran up the stairs—you’re all alone. You’re always all alone. She didn’t even know how many floors she had moved up, if any. She didn’t know where she was or which corridor she was now on—they were all the same. Everything was the same—it never changes, not unless you change it.
And then she saw Ashiya’s shadow again, the movement in the darkness again, the strange slither of silhouettes—follow it. Follow the shadow. Find it. Join it. Let it in. She ran up the stairs after it—let it all back in—running faster and harder and—
She stopped at a glowing white door. Helios.
Don’t stop. Keep going. What are you doing? Keep. Going.
“What are you doing?”
She pushed it open—that’s it. Keep running. You’re almost there. You’re almost here. Don’t stop.
“Stop!”
She ran into the reception room. It seemed to be the same as it was the last time she was here: some boxes, some stray furniture, some blank walls. But no shadow of Ashiya. Keep going. Come on. Hurry up. You can still catch the caliginent. You can still let everything you’ve been hiding back into the light.
She pushed through the next double doors into the blindingly bright stairwell. Hurry up. Then she began to move up the stairs again. One step at a time—two steps, five steps, ten steps… Come on. Her lungs were flat and empty now. She felt the weight of them collapsing in on themselves. Come. On. I watched her eyes closing, wishing they could rest, even just for a moment—not now; hurry up. Her whole body was tired. So. Tired. Hurry. Up. She just wanted to stop—I said not now—she just wanted to give in—you can’t—she just wanted it all to end—it will. Just come a little closer to the darkness. Just come into the shadows. That’s it. Keep going. Just a little farther…
She looked up. The shadowy figure was in the next corridor up ahead of her, up one more flight of stairs, just one more flight. But it didn’t look like Ashiya. It’s not. She focused on the figure as intensely as she could. It was a humanoid shape, but the limbs weren’t right. They were broken and misaligned as though they’d been stitched together to imitate a human. Its posture was curved and twisted as it stood there, patiently waiting for her. And she knew it had been waiting for her for a long time. You can reach it. She knew it was time to finally face me. You can—
Suddenly a hand grabbed her wrist from behind. Then another hand grabbed her other wrist. And claws dug into her skin. She tried to resist but couldn’t. Her body was drained of energy and swimming in weakness. Her mind felt like it had been shattered into pieces, as it was so lost, so confused. But you were so close. You were almost there. Almost.
“Saffie.” It was Sylver’s voice behind her. But it was bitter and harsh, filled with a brutal viciousness. “What have you done?”
She looked back at him, but his body was drowning in his mask of a trench coat. “Sylver, listen to me. The drug, the Helios drug, is hurting people. It hurt Ray. And now it’s hurt Ashiya. She’s hurt; she’s really hurt. She was all delusional and in pain and, and—I have to save her. I can’t lose her, not like I lost Ray.” Lost Ray? He’s not lost. He’s dead. Go on. Say it. Say that he’s dead. Just say it.
His face had a cold, uncaring expression over it, as though he didn’t have a soul within it. “Now isn’t the time for excuses. You’re in so much trouble.” He clipped a pair of handcuffs onto her wrists, pressing them tightly into her skin.
“Trouble? Who cares about trouble? Listen to me. It’s the trial. It’s hurting people. That’s the thing that hurt Ray. It’s the thing that… The thing that…” That killed Ray. Go on, say it. Say it!
“What have you done?” Sylver pulled her back down the staircase, away from the figure and back into the depths of Hell, where the monstrous shadows waited to devour her. “What the Hell have you done?”
Her lungs felt broken. Her body cried out in pain. Everything was falling apart. She was falling apart. She had always been falling apart. “But Sylver, wait. I have to save Ashiya. I have to save Ray—”
“It’s Officer Sylvester. You know that.” Did she?