DAY SOMETHING. WHATEVER. WHO CARES?

I

Now you’ve almost completely crashed. Now you’ve almost lost everything you’ve ever known.

“Stop it!” Saffron’s eyes burned with fear as she stared at the knife. Her claws gripped its handle with malicious intent as she pointed the blade into Sylver’s neck.

“You all right?” Sylver’s hands shook as he kept them raised. “What are you doing?” What are you doing with your life?

The narrow corridor sneered at her. What the Hell are you doing? She looked around it, searching through the creeping shadows sharpening their scimitars of darkness. You’re looking for me? The corridor was the same cloned copy of all the others. So you still want me? The same narrow frame that was closing in on her, devouring her. You still want me to take off your hideous mask? But this one had the door to the Quiet Room at the end. Isn’t it time to finally give it up and end your performance at last? The room she didn’t want to get trapped inside again. We’re in the final act, after all. It’ll soon be time to take your bow. The room she couldn’t get trapped inside with me again.

“Saffie? What’s going on?”

“How did I get here?” You were too focused on me to even notice what was happening around you. Yet you still didn’t choose to let me in. But why not? You’ve seen me now. You know what I am. Who I am. So why don’t you just accept me? You can’t keep me locked outside forever. You can’t repress me for the rest of your life.

“Don’t you remember?” Remember? You don’t remember anything. Sylver kept his eyes on the knife as he gulped back his panic. “Why don’t you put the knife down?” But don’t you want to remember it all?

“Shut up. No.” You don’t even remember Ray, do you? Not really. You remember his smile, his appearance, his hip flask, his purple football scarf, his messy handwriting. But you don’t really remember him. You won’t let yourself remember. Why won’t you let yourself? Why won’t you let me—

“Hey. Did you hear me? Are you okay?”

“I’m fine,” she said defiantly, not letting him see the pain she was in or how close to tears she was. “I’m fine.”

“Then do you want to put the knife down?” Do you want to stop this endless charade? This mask you can’t let go of? “Please,” Sylver spoke firmer. “Put the knife down.” Are you going to listen to him? Are you going to listen to anyone else for once in your pathetic life?

“Why would I ever trust you, Sylver?”

“It’s still Officer Sylvester.”

“No, it’s not.”

“Okay, it’s not now.” He slowly took off his trench coat. Then his grasp around it slipped as his hands shook with fear, letting the coat fall to the floor. If he can take his mask off, why can’t you? Why. Can’t. You?

“You can’t trick me, even without that stupid coat on. You pretend it’s a costume, but it’s not—it’s who you are. You’re one of them, another Shade officer, another monster who wants to hurt me.”

“What? No, it’s just a coat. I’m showing you I have nothing to hide. See?” He was right. He didn’t have anything on him, except a radio, a ring of keys, and a pair of handcuffs attached to his belt. But she didn’t believe him. How could she believe him? How could she ever believe anyone ever again?

“How can I trust you?” She tried to focus on him, on his black curly hair, which matched hers. On his sunken eyes. On the bruise where Indie had punched him. And the other bruise next to that. “You made me take that drug. You poisoned my mind. You hurt me.” She moved the knife closer to his neck. Did he? Or did you do that to yourself?

“Hey, wait a second.” He put his palms back up. “Getting that drug means you don’t have to stay in Detention for longer.” His words choked on his dread. “I know it can be hard to adjust to, but after a week or so it’s all right—it’s helpful.” It is helpful. I’m helping you, can’t you see that?

A shadow moved in the corner of her eye. Only slightly. But it definitely moved. Didn’t it?

“No. Don’t lie to me.” She kept her eyes on Sylver. On her prey. On the knife in her hand. On the small cut she was making on his neck.

“I’m not. It is helpful.”

“It’s not. Stop saying that!”

“It is. Why would they be selling it otherwise?”

Wait. “Wait.” What did he say? “They’re selling the drug?” She pushed the knife farther into his skin, cutting through his flesh.

“Please. Put the knife down. Then we can talk—”

“How can they be selling the drug?”

A small trickle of blood fell from his neck.

“Please put the knife—”

“Just tell me!”

“Okay, yes. They’re selling it. That’s what the whole trial has been for. The mayor wants to use it in his campaign, to get people to vote for him by promising a miracle drug.” Miracle drug? “Then he’s selling it for profit.” Profit? “And cutting down on Detention numbers because of it.”

“What? It’s just for profit?” So all your pain has been for profit. “That can’t be right.” So all of Ray’s pain was for profit too? “It can’t be.” So his death was done for profit? “No.” He died so others can be rich. “No!”

Another shadow moved in the corner of her eye—

She looked to the side. Then she saw me again. She saw I really was still there. She saw I had never left. I was standing in front of the Quiet Room door. It’s time. You can’t keep running away from me. You can’t keep ignoring me and repressing me. The exhausted corridor hid me in its shadows, but she could see through them now. She could see through it all. She could see I looked exactly like she did. I was a perfect reflection, except I still seemed so much weaker. So much worse. So much more of a broken mess than she was.

“Saffie, please don’t be an idiot. Stop—”

“Get away from me!” She saw bruises and cuts across my body. She saw my red eyes burning with pain, with so much pain. And it was her pain. Her pain that she needed to feel, that she needed to take, that she needed to let back in. And she saw I was slowly walking towards her, wearing her muddied military boots. Getting closer. And closer. And—

Don’t panic. I don’t want to fight you. I never wanted to fight you. I just wanted you to see me properly. After all, we’re finally in the centre of Hell, in the icy depths of the Devil itself. You’re finally face-to-face with the real me. With the real you.

“Saffie, please, you’re hurting—”

“No! Get away from me!” She turned away, blocking me out of her vision. But you can’t get away from me really. You can’t get rid of a caliginent. You can only learn how to live with one. I know you don’t like my anger, my darkness, my pain, my torture—but you need it. You need me just as much as I need you.

“Away? From what? Saffie, maybe we should calm down and let go of the knife. Please just stop—” He wants you to stop. Everyone wants you to stop. Even Ray would’ve wanted you to stop. Yes, Ray. Remember him? The whole reason you started investigating Helios in the first place? The whole reason this story even exists? It seemed fun at first, didn’t it? Trying to discover who killed him, trying to taste the sweetness of revenge. But then it all recoiled in on itself; then its true bitter taste came through.

You act like you cared about Ray, like he meant a lot to you. But all you’ve thought about is his caliginent darkness. But what about him? What. About. Him? He was more than just his stupid one-sided smile. His messy handwriting. His purple hip flask. He was always so much more. But you don’t even remember the end of his play. The end of his life. His funeral. His death. His final words to you. So why won’t you just let it all back in? Ray’s death was the hardest day we’ve ever had to face—

“Stop it!” Stop it? You’ve been journeying to the centre of Hell for so long now, trying to find the Devil that put you there. But now we’re in the centre, surely you realise you were the evil you were looking for? You were the only real darkness in your life? The only caliginent here?

“Saffie.” Sylver’s voice was soft and quiet. “Just breathe. I know the drug is horrible at first, but you’ll get through it. It’ll become easier over time. It’ll help.”

“No. The drug isn’t helping, it’s hurting me. How can they be selling this for profit? I can’t let them. I can’t.” So how are you going to stop the mayor from selling the drug? How are you going to stop Ray’s Dad from making it? How are you going to stop everyone in Medlock from going through the same pain you’re in? How are you going to stop people from dying like Ray did? How are you going to save everyone?

“Saffie—”

“Shut up! You’re probably the one who gave Ray the drug, aren’t you? You’re probably the one who made him take it, aren’t you?” She didn’t even realise how much she was pressing the knife into his neck.

“If you want to hurt me for Ray, you can go ahead and hurt me. I deserve it.” He was looking at the small cut on Saffron’s cheek that he had made the first day she arrived. It still hadn’t healed. It was taunting him with how relentlessly it stuck to her. “I should’ve stopped him. I shouldn’t have even arrested him in the first place. There are a lot of things I regret.”

There are a lot of things you regret too, aren’t there? THUD. THUD. THUD. You still believe you could’ve stopped his death. You still believe you could’ve helped him. Yet you won’t even accept how he died. You won’t even accept the truth. “No. It was the drug. The drug...” killed him. Say it killed him. Say he’s dead. Say it. Just admit it. “No.” Say it! Just finally admit that he’s dead and he’s never coming back! “I have to stop them. I can’t let them sell that drug. I can’t let others get hurt the way Ray did. I can’t let them…” Die. You can’t let them die. Just like how Ray died. Go on—say it. “No. Please…” Saffron shut her eyes, hiding herself away from the torturous world. Say it already! “It was my fault he…” Died. Say it. Say it! “I should’ve saved him.” You should have saved everyone. “So now I have to stop the drug. I have to—”

“What are you talking about? It wasn’t your fault.” It was. “It wasn’t—”

“I have to stop Ray’s Dad.” What are you doing? No you don’t. “I have to confront him in a final parlour scene.” What the Hell are you doing? You don’t. “He’s the culprit, the tyrant who’s leading Helios.” Is he? “I have to prove it was all his fault and show that he’s the ultimate treacherous betrayer; he’s the one farthest within the ice; he’s the one we can blame for—”

“You don’t have to do anything. You don’t have to save everyone.” You don’t have to keep the world on your shoulders. “Just please put the knife down. Please—”

A rush of blood poured down the knife from Sylver’s neck. Saffron didn’t see how hard she was pushing the knife into his flesh as she kept her eyes shut. Yet still she pushed it in farther.

“Please—”

“I can do it. I can.” Can what? Try to prove the drug caused Ray’s death? Try to give yourself a reason for his death? Try to find some closure that doesn’t exist? Try to finish your murder mystery? Try to accept anything except reality?

THUD. THUD. THUD.

“Please, will you stop—” Stop trying to save everyone. Stop trying to save the whole world. You couldn’t save Ray. What makes you think you can save anyone else? You can’t even save yourself.

“No—”

“Saffie!”

She opened her eyes, looking at the blood gushing from his neck. Then she pulled the knife away from him with a shock of disbelief.

Sylver coughed through staggered breaths, pressing his hand to his neck to slow the stream of dark blood. Pain strangled his throat as he gasped against its torturous agony.

“I have to do this,” Saffron continued. “I have to face Ray’s Dad and stop all this. I have to save everyone.”

“Is that…” Sylver’s voice was weak and rough. “Is that why we’re here?”

She followed his gaze. She saw they were no longer by the Quiet Room. The world had turned without her once more. Now they were on a staircase, looking up to a white, glowing door ahead of them. A door with Helios written across it.

II

THUD. THUD. THUD. You’re really going back to Helios, to the garden, to so-called paradise? You know only misery will find you there.

Sylver swayed as he fought the pain swarming through his body. You’re running out of time. He had wiped the blood from his neck but had really only smudged it. You don’t have much longer left. He still had bruises on his face where Indie had hurt him. Saffron swore he also had more bruises that she hadn’t yet seen, but she couldn’t be certain. It’s almost the end of this whole performance.

“Just act normal,” Saffron whispered to him as they walked through the Helios door. “Pretend you’re fine.”

Fine? Does he look “fine” to you? She had made him wear his own handcuffs, then had placed his trench coat over shoulders, resting on him to hide his hands that were tied behind his back. Is anything about this situation “fine”? She had flipped up the collar to hide his bleeding neck, but she knew he still didn’t look “fine.” She knew he hadn’t been fine in a long time. Maybe even longer than her.

“Seriously?” His voice was weak and trembling.

THUD. THUD. THUD.

They walked into the reception area. The room was almost the same as it had been the last time she was there. Almost. It was still full of an enamel white colour, with boxes and stray furniture scattered around. But now there was one huge difference. Now the room wasn’t empty. Now she wasn’t going to get away. Now someone was sitting behind the desk.

They seemed old and tired as they groggily looked up. Large, square glasses sat on their nose and a Helios badge swung around their neck. “Can I help you?” they asked, looking at their watch for a long moment before looking back at them.

Saffron had hidden the knife back in her sleeve, ready to bring it out any second, ready to hurt anyone who stood in her way and burn the world that had burned her—

“Hello.” Sylver stepped forwards, smiling to hide his pain. “We’re here to see Moses.” His voice was dry and harsh.

“Oh, right.” They nodded, flipping through a large book with scribbles of writing across it. “Do you have an appointment?” They spoke in a low voice that lingered on the last syllable of each word they said, as though they didn’t have the energy to start the next. They’re going to see Sylver is hurt. They’re going to see you’re not normal. You’re not fine. You never have been—

“No, we don’t.” Sylver leaned against the desk to stop his body from shaking. “This is rather an urgent matter.”

“Oh, of course, Officer. They nodded then glanced at their watch for another long moment before looking back to the book. “Right… Well, you might be able to catch him now before he leaves for the play.”

The play? “The play?” Saffron said, without even realising it. Indie’s play? The play you should’ve been performing in? The play you told him you’d be a part of?

“Yes, it should be starting soon. Moses will be going with the mayor, so he can’t be too late.”

“The mayor is here?” Saffron asked. The mayor? The person who’s selling the drug for profit? The person you have to stop if you want to stop the drug? If you want to stop others from dying just as Ray died? “Stop it,” she whispered under her breath. Who are you kidding? You can’t save anyone. You never could.

The person behind the desk edged away, frowning at Saffron.

“She’s fine.” Sylver kept up his smile, drawing their attention back to him.

Fine? You’re not fine. You only pretend you are. Who the Hell are you without that mask on? Do you remember anymore?

“She doesn’t look fine,” they said. You don’t. You never have.

“That’s why we need to speak to Moses.”

The person behind the desk was hesitant. They clearly knew something was wrong—anyone would be able to see that something was wrong, that something had always been wrong. They were hovering their hand over a phone, ready to call someone, ready to get Saffron locked up, ready to keep her in Detention for the rest of her life—

THUD. THUD. THUD. She felt the shadows scuttle into the room as my cold presence entered. The room grew darker and an eerie silence echoed as I stepped towards her. But she didn’t acknowledge them. Instead she carried on pushing them out of her mind, repressing their pain, stopping their memories.

“Can we go and see him?” Sylver spoke more commandingly, more like a real Shade officer. “Now?”

The person nodded at him. “You know the way.”

“Great. Thanks.” He nodded back with a sigh of relief, then walked to the double doors.

Saffron followed him, moving away from the shadows that were crawling through the room. Stop moving already. Stop running. The eyes of the person behind the desk watched them until they disappeared. Stop everything.

“So Indie’s play is tonight?” Saffron said as she hurried through the doors, stepping lightly in her plain tennis shoes.

They walked out into the bright stairwell. The never-ending light beamed down on them with fierce intent, like stage lights that made it impossible to see the audience watching.

“Yeah.” Sylver was losing the energy to speak.

“How is it so soon? What day is it even?” You’re losing reality. You’re losing yourself. You’re losing everything. “We better hurry up, shall we?”

Sylver’s eyes were looking towards the corner of the stairwell, at the red dot of a security camera that Saffron swore hadn’t been there last time.

“I said we better hurry up. I think it was pretty obvious something wasn’t right.”

“Something isn’t right. You’re not right.” Sylver climbed the stairs. “You haven’t been right in a long time… Probably since…” You know what he wants to say. We’re tired of this now. We’re tired of all this. And aren’t you tired too? Aren’t you ready for it all to end?

THUD. THUD. THUD.

They made their way up one flight of stairs.

“Breathe, Saffie. Just breathe. I don’t care what your plans are here. I don’t care what you feel like you ‘have’ to do. Just remember to breathe, okay?”

She didn’t respond. Her body was exhausted. It barely felt like she was walking anymore. It felt more like she was slithering. What are you even doing here really? You say you’ve been trying to figure out a mystery. You say you want one final parlour scene. But the truth is you’ve always known how Ray died. There’s nothing left to figure out. There are no more clues to find. There’s no closure. All you can do now is—

Breathe. Just breathe.

Two flights.

Don’t you want to remember instead of constantly repressing everything? Don’t you want to remember the good as well as the bad? Don’t you want to remember him for who he was? Who he really was? You’ve become so obsessed with his death that you’ve forgotten about his life.

Breathe. THUD. THUD. THUD. Just breathe.

You’ve forgotten all the fun nights you had together, going on adventures, getting into trouble, making terrible decisions. You’ve forgotten all the movies you watched together, constantly looking for action, for entertainment, for an escape. You’ve forgotten his obsession with trainers, the long queues you stood in to get his next pair. You’ve forgotten all the cold mornings you spent watching his annoying football games. You’ve forgotten all the arguments you had as your egos constantly clashed. You’ve forgotten all the jokes you shared, all the laughter you shared. You’ve forgotten how much he hurt you at the end. How much he pushed you away. How painful it was when he left. And you’ve forgotten how lonely you’ve been without him.

Three flights.

They walked along the corridor, towards a bright white door of light.

There is no point going inside or trying to confront Ray’s Dad. Closure doesn’t exist, not really. The answers you’ve been looking for have been right in front of you all this time. I stepped out in front of the door, blocking her path. Right in front of you.

Instinctively she stumbled away from me, away from my face, which was exactly like hers; away from my bruises, my cuts, my pain— Breathe. Just breathe. But she didn’t run away this time. She knew she couldn’t run away anymore. She knew it was time to let me in.

“Here’s his office,” Sylver said. Breathe.

I reached out my hand towards her. You want to remember Ray’s death? You want to finally remember it all? Come on. Take my hand. It’s time to let it all back in.

“Are you ready?” Sylver asked.

Breathe. Just breathe.

I reached out my hand closer towards her. Then I coiled it around her shoulder, which was still swimming with pain. I finally had her— Ray’s death was the hardest day we’ve ever had to face. It was a sunny morning. It seemed so normal. We didn’t want to get out of bed. We wanted to lie in. But then we heard the phone ring—

Wait.

Breathe. Just—

Why aren’t we breathing?

We have to breathe.

Why aren’t we breathing?

We’re not breathing.