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“I’m going to jump!” Kevin shouted over his shoulder. The overweight man stood on the ledge of the Centralian Immigration Office’s rooftop, a magnificent building at least thirty stories high.
No one moved a muscle aside from Roman, who took one step closer to Kevin.
“Easy, buddy,” he called to the middle-aged immigration advisor. Roman didn’t particularly like Kevin, but seeing someone melt down and/or commit suicide was a terrible way to start a Monday.
“It’s his first attempt, right?” Nadine, the woman standing next to Roman, asked.
“Yeah, he’s been struggling lately,” Roman told her under his breath, the tone of his voice indicating that he was looking for sympathy. He hadn’t spoken to Nadine often, but he’d definitely noticed her—the new employee in the Immigration Inspection for Fast Travel Powers Department.
“Really?”
“I should know. He sits in the cubicle next to me. Come down, Kevin!” Roman shouted, without taking his eyes off Nadine.
It was a long way down, and it was technically illegal to commit suicide. The paperwork Kevin would leave his family to fill out alone would put fear in the eyes of any middle-of-the-road administrator.
But Roman wasn’t focused on the details now. If his shorter, more robust counterpart wanted to end it all, that was his problem.
Truth was, Roman had been trying to figure out a way to introduce himself to Nadine for months now, ever since she’d started at the Centralian Immigration Offices.
And Roman was the type of guy ready to seize any opportunity presented to him.
“I try to talk to Kevin—you know, be friendly,” he said coolly. “I invited him out once. It was just for lunch, but I definitely would’ve split the bill with him. Definitely.”
For a non-exemplar, Nadine was as fit as a super.
Lean, thin, with green eyes and blondish-brown hair she usually wore in a bun, there was an exotic beauty about her, something Roman couldn’t quite place. Another thing he liked about her was the fact that she always wore tight dresses, even on casual Fridays. He appreciated Nadine’s attention to detail, and was just about to compliment her on her earrings when Kevin shouted.
“I’m going to jump!” A breeze whipped up, and Kevin nearly lost his balance. The top-heavy man regained his composure, snorting as he yelled, “I’ll do it! I’ll fucking do it!”
There were about twenty people on the rooftop now, all murmuring as they waited to see if Kevin would do it or not.
“Anyway, like I was saying, I tried to be friends with the guy. Hell, I even gave him a donut a few weeks back. Well, I brought the whole office donuts.” Roman raised an eyebrow at her. “You didn’t happen to get one, did you?”
Nadine thought about it for a moment. “Are you sure it was you that brought them? I thought they were a gift from management for making us work through the last holiday.”
Roman maintained his grin. “On the surface, yes, but who do you think wrote to HR and suggested it?”
“I’m going to jump!”
Roman considered his next options carefully. He could try to talk his officemate down from the ledge, which would be the right thing to do; or he could continue to talk to Nadine, which would be the smart thing to do.
He chose the latter.
“You’re new here, right?” Roman asked her as more people gathered behind them.
What Nadine didn’t know was that Roman had been quietly collecting as much info on her as he could. Nothing stalker-like, just asking if anyone knew her and, more importantly, if she was single. All he’d needed was an in, and it had come to him as a surprise that this happened to be Kevin’s attempted suicide.
“That’s right, I’m new around here. Or newish. Nadine,” she said, shaking his hand. He held her hand for just a second longer than he should have, judging its weight.
“Roman Martin, Immigration Advisor.”
“I think I’ve seen your signature on a few of the documents I’ve processed. A big signature, right? A little messy.”
He shrugged. “I was going for avant-garde, but messy will do.”
“Nice to meet you, Roman.”
“Same, Nadine.”
“Do you think he’ll do it?” the green-eyed woman asked, returning her focus to Kevin, who was all but flapping his arms like wings at this point. There was a glint on her right hand, a peculiar silver ring that Roman hadn’t noticed before.
“Kevin has threatened to do it before, which reminds me...”
Everyone loved a hero, and even though Roman wasn’t a super, that didn’t mean he couldn’t save someone. So, after giving Nadine the dashing smile he’d perfected over the years, Roman strolled over to Kevin and started speaking to him as casually as possible.
“Hey, pal, any chance you’ll come down from there?” he asked, “I could really, and I mean really, use a little love in that regard.”
“Love?” Kevin sobbed, snot dripping from the tip of his nose. The wind pressed through his thinning hair, tossing his cowlick around. “What do you know about love?”
“Relax, Kevin. What’s got you so angry and upset, anyway?”
“My wife left me for a super, an old college fling of hers. A fucking Type III Class D. A flyer. I caught them fucking in my living room. Fly-fucking.”
“Fly-fucking?”
“Suspended upside down, midair. Fuck! I’m jumping, dammit—everyone stay back!” Kevin called over his shoulder. “Screw this world! To hell with Centralia!”
“Cool it,” Roman said, inching just a little closer. “Hey, remember Nadine? The one I told you about? You know, the inspector for Fast Travels?”
“She’s here too?”
Roman threw his thumb over his shoulder. “Everyone’s here. Well, everyone aside from Selena, but that’s fine. No one likes her anyway. Look, Kevin, point is, we’re with you. We’re here to support you.”
“Fucking jump already!” someone from the back of the crowd called out.
“Hey!” Roman barked to the man. “Don’t listen to him, Kevin. I think that was a warehouse guy, anyway. Those guys suck. I don’t even know why Centralian Immigration has a warehouse.”
Kevin rolled his eyes. “To house older documents. All paper files must be kept!” he said, pointing a finger over his head. “Now step back, Roman, I’m saying goodbye to this shitty life.”
“Kevin.” Roman laughed in a fake way. “Come on, pal, you don’t want to jump. Talk about a way to go. Do me a solid here—Nadine is watching. Besides, you don’t want to leave your family with the paperwork. You know what I mean. Lots of paperwork...”
“My family? All I have is my wife, and look what she’s done to me! She cheated with a super! They were going at it floating horizontally in my living room. I saw it!”
“You already told me that.”
“She was orgasming when I walked in. Ever see someone orgasm upside down? Fuck him! Fuck her! And fuck Centralia!” Kevin threw his arms wide, preparing to jump.
“Do it!” one of the warehouse guys called out.
Roman turned and pointed at the man. “Keep your mouth shut.”
The warehouse worker bit his lip and slipped back into the crowd, not able to match his bark with his bite.
“Wasn’t it an arranged marriage anyway?” Roman asked, looking back to Kevin.
“What? Don’t be ridiculous. How long have I known you?”
“Two years? Has it really been two years? Damn, it sure has. That’s depressing. Got room for me up there? Ha! I’m kidding; please come down.”
“Two years? I bet you don’t even know my wife’s name.”
Roman considered this for a moment. “Jane? Was it Jane? Or no—it was something with a K. Kathy? Kathy and Kevin? At least that sounds good together.”
“Screw you, Roman.” Kevin lifted his chin high and looked at his coworker over the bridge of his nose.
“Ah, don’t be like tha—”
With a deep breath in, Kevin bent his knees and jumped backward.
