Embracing impermanence to show us that our suffering can end
In Steps One and Two, we explore suffering in great detail. The good news is, in Step Three, we come to see how there is an end to suffering. The third noble truth tells us that there is an end to the cycle of suffering. When we realize that there is an end to suffering, a new freedom and happiness can emerge in our lives.
This liberating realization can begin to free us from craving. Impermanence is pivotal. If things did not change, there would be no end to suffering. Knowing that everything changes means that suffering must end too. We do not always have to be the person with addictions, compulsive or obsessive behaviors. However, although we might know in principle that everything changes, we can easily forget it or behave as if it weren’t true. For example, when we identify with being an alcoholic or an addict, this says that we believe our identity is fixed and unchanging.
In the twelve-step fellowships, we know that it is very important to identify as an addict/alcoholic etc., so that we never forget that we have the disease of addiction. In the Buddhist teachings we believe to have recovery, you must study the self, which is looking at all the identities that have trapped us. We learn these identities are labels, and often stories in the mind. When we realize this we can begin to let go of these identities that have shaped our lives, and see we are much more than the addiction that has enslaved us. We always remember that we are liberating ourselves from the suffering of addiction by staying on the Buddhist path, or by living the Buddhist teachings breath by breath. Because we know that, as Adyashanti says: “Once you think you have got it you have lost it.” Recovery from addiction is a lifetime quest.
If we start to pay careful attention to our experience, we will find that nothing stays the same. All around us we can see the changes in the weather and the seasons. Even seemingly solid things like buildings age, and new ones are built. Our bodies too change as we move from childhood into adulthood and old age. Our minds change even faster; our thoughts and feelings come and go. Even that first high we had is never experienced in the same way.
This means we can change. If we embrace impermanence, we can shape our lives in helpful directions and let go of unhelpful habits. Even when things are difficult, we can remember that they will change in time. Permanence is a concept in the mind that has no existence in living reality. When we hold on to the idea of things being permanent we cause ourselves suffering, since sooner or later they will change.
Living with the truth of impermanence can help us to find freedom. This freedom will bring about an end to suffering, which is a welcome relief. It can help us to know that even if our lives are in chaos right now, they will change. Seeing impermanence, we let go of our thoughts that say “It can’t change” or “It won’t change.” We are always changing: this is the law of nature.
The significance of impermanence
When we go about our daily lives, we can assume a degree of stability. We assume that when we sit on a chair it will take our weight. We assume that when we turn the ignition key in the car the engine will start, just as it did last time we drove. When we turn on the shower in the morning, we expect water to appear. We see the bus coming and we anticipate that our body will let us run to catch it.
We assume that people, places, and things will stay pretty much the same and behave in the way that they have in the past. To constantly doubt this would stop us in our tracks. If we felt we had to check the chair each time to see if it really would hold our weight, or expected someone always to be lying to us when we had never known them to lie, we would find it hard to do anything.
So for practical purposes, we rely on our world having some predictability. We learn that we need to leave for work at a certain hour in the morning, or the traffic will be so heavy that we will arrive late. We get to know the quiet times in the supermarket when there won’t be a long queue. We find that a certain friend will be a good ear when we are having problems, but it’s not a good idea to ask them for help to put up shelves.
However, if we hold too tightly to the expectation that things won’t change, we are likely to suffer. At some point the chair will break. Maybe one day our friend won’t be listening to us with the usual attention (perhaps they are unwell or have suffered a loss).
Inevitably we will get ill and our bodies won’t function as well as they did, and the bloom of our youth will evaporate.
If we continue turning to our addiction, expecting our anxieties and worries to subside, one day we will find it doesn’t work anymore. We increase our fix in the hope of it numbing our feelings. It still does not work, and we spiral down in our addiction, sometimes ending up on the streets.
We can recognize the truth of change or we can rail against it or pretend it is not happening. Closing our eyes to impermanence puts us under strain as we fend off any evidence to the contrary.
Getting annoyed at change – unless it leads to some constructive action – causes stress and can make us bitter. Finding a way to live with impermanence can reduce unnecessary suffering and bring a peaceful quality to our lives.
Difficulties are impermanent
Sometimes our lives feel stuck. When we are facing painful times, it can feel as though the pain will never end. This is partly a natural response. Physical and mental pain can trigger a defensive survival mode. For example, if your back suddenly goes into painful spasm, the intense pain can fill the mind so that it is hard to pay attention to anything else. It can feel as though there is nothing but pain in our lives. The same can happen with mental pain, such as when a partner leaves us.
Holly had long enjoyed drinking fine wines with her husband. She would often end up drunk, especially on weekends, but she managed to keep her high-powered job running smoothly. Then, after a short and unexpected illness, her husband died. Her world fell apart. She hit the bottle more than before, and her work started to be affected to the extent that she could no longer do her job. The pain of her losses seemed unbearable and she drank throughout the day to try to cope with it. At this time Holly felt that her suffering would never change and she turned to alcohol to drown out her despair.
In survival mode, our mind is taken up with the pain and seems unable to look beyond it. Yet even these intensely painful experiences will change. In fact, they are changing all the time. If we pay attention to physical pain, we may notice that the sensations wax and wane; they may move about the body. Mental pain often comes in surges. Alongside these sensations there are often thoughts, a whole narrative even, that in the moment seem as if they are permanent. This makes the experience worse and gives it a hopeless quality. We tend to tense up to bear the pain, although the extra tension just adds to the discomfort, as we saw in Step Two.
If we can pay attention to the changing nature of our experience – even when it is very difficult – we are less likely to feel so hopeless. If we can see our thoughts as just thoughts, we may be able to lessen their grip. We can watch the thoughts that say “This is unbearable” or “This is never going to change” as just thoughts that come and go in the mind. Sometimes they may be loud and commanding, sometimes soft and seductive. They are still thoughts, the mind’s story about what is happening.
Paying attention in this way, we move from being caught up in the pain and the story about it to being a silent observer of the whole show. The painful sensations and the difficult thoughts are still there, but that’s not everything. We are not so caught up in them, and they don’t drive our lives in the same old way. Seeing impermanence at times of difficulty can bring us this bigger perspective. Instead of being in the grip of the painful thoughts and feelings, we are able to contain them and move beyond them.
Perhaps the most important message of impermanence is that we can change. Not only is everything around us changing, we too are changing. We can cooperate with the process of change by not feeding unhelpful habits and nurturing helpful ones. Each time we feel the impulse to act in a way that won’t help us, we have the opportunity to do something different. As the old adage goes, if we keep doing the same thing, we will get the same result.
If we act even a little differently, we can start to make changes in our lives. In their book on stress, Mark Williams (who developed the mindfulness approach to depression: Mindfulness-Based Cognitive Therapy for depression or MBCT) and Danny Penman encourage practicing “habit releasers.”1
Changing things that we do repeatedly can help us to break habits, bringing more awareness and creativity into our lives. For example, if we have a usual spot where we sit in a meeting, we could choose a different seat. Even though it is a small change, we may find we have a different perspective and feel differently. If we tend to watch TV all evening, we could make a deliberate choice about what we will watch, and try turning the TV off between those programs.
Impermanence doesn’t mean that anything is possible. Even though both of us can play a musical instrument, it is highly unlikely that we will become rock stars in this lifetime. Part of the secret is holding what is possible lightly. We can’t know where this mysterious life will take us; all we can do is take the next step. So even if we never become rock stars, movie directors, or fashion models, the urge to be those things might point us in a direction. Dusting off the guitar and strumming again might bring in a new dimension of satisfaction. Making time to watch interesting films or pay more attention to the clothes we choose to wear might be a valuable movement in our lives.
Pete’s story
Pete had been drinking heavily for many years. To begin with, it was just on weekends. Gradually, it crept into the weekdays and then he started to need a drink to get him going in the mornings. He used to go out drinking with friends and would return home drunk. Eventually his girlfriend got fed up with his drinking and left him. He was discovered drinking at work and was fired. He had always drunk more than his friends, who began to distance themselves from him. In the end he was just drinking at home, alone. He was getting behind on his rent, and the threat of eviction was looming.
On his way to buy alcohol, he passed out and found himself in the hospital, where the doctor told him that he had liver cirrhosis and that, if he continued to drink, he would not have long to live. Pete went home and was straight back on the bottle. He couldn’t see the point in doing anything else. He felt that he had lost everything valuable in his life and his only solace was drink. What was the point in changing now?
It was springtime and, out of his apartment window, Pete noticed a cherry tree coming into bloom across the street. He remembered how he always enjoyed watching it bloom each year: the deep pink buds, then the blush blossom smothering the boughs and finally the petals scattering like confetti and lying in the street. He didn’t want this to be the last time he saw the cherry flower. Somehow, seeing the budding cherry filled him with hope. Maybe he didn’t have to live out the rest of his life with things going from bad to worse. Perhaps he could make some changes and alter the direction of his life.
Before Pete had his cherry-blossom moment, if you had asked him about change, he might have said “Yes, things change – they get worse!” Another version of this we sometimes hear is, “Whenever I try to improve my life, make an effort, something comes along and knocks me back. There is no point in trying.”
There are two sides to impermanence. We experience things coming into being, arising, appearing, and things going, disappearing, ending. Often we have a bias to seeing only one side. So we notice perhaps only the endings. When viewed in this way, impermanence can seem devastating. Step Three asks us to pay attention to both sides.
When life is difficult, especially when we have experienced a number of setbacks, it is easy to fall into a mindset that believes it can never get any better. This is the mind making an assumption of permanence; we believe that we are always going to feel this bad. The urge, then, is to continue with our addictive behavior. We feel that there is no point in doing anything differently, and we believe that the addiction, such as drinking, helps to blot out the uncomfortable feelings. We may get some temporary relief, but in the longer term it just compounds matters, as the addictive behavior itself adds to our problems. To see impermanence at these times can help us to see that change is possible. We can make constructive changes to our lives, and our lives can improve.
This does not mean that past tragedies are erased. We can’t change the past, but we can change our interpretations of the past. We can only work with our minds and our lives as they are right now. We can only work with what we are experiencing in each moment. Part of that is changing our relationship to what has happened in the past. That’s something we will be exploring more later in the book.
The importance of Step Three is to see that change is possible. If we do not believe that we can change, there will be no reason to try to make any changes, and we are likely to remain stuck.
Jackie’s story
Jackie had been using crack cocaine since her teens. She remembered the first time that she had smoked it. She felt confident and invincible. All the troubles of her life vanished. The effect stayed with her for a while, but then wore off. She began to use crack more and more frequently. Each time she would get a lift, but not like that first time. The comedown was more marked and she started to use tranquilizers to help. In her heart she knew that this was not a helpful way of living, but she kept trying to get back to that first high.
A turning point came after a prolonged binge on crack when the comedown was particularly severe. She felt depressed and suicidal. Then she saw that she was never going to get that first high again. It was gone. And she was never going to get to a place where she could always feel high, where none of life’s troubles could touch her. She had to learn to live her life and face its difficulties. Seeing that the past had gone, and letting go of wanting to hold on to the past, enabled Jackie to move forward. She had finally accepted change in her life.
We begin practicing Step Three by paying more attention to the small changes in our lives. We can notice the changes in the weather and the changes of light during the day. We can watch the trees change in the park or perhaps buy some flowers for our home and follow their movement from bud to bloom to fading.
Noticing change
Take ten minutes or more to do this reflection. You can do it while walking, sitting outside, or in your home looking out of an open window. If possible, choose a place that has some plants, such as a garden or a park. If you are outside, notice the sensation of the air as it meets your body. If you wish, slow down your pace. There is no hurry to get anywhere. Notice the quality of the light. Is it bright or dull, sharp or soft? Try to get a feel for the time of day and notice any changes in the light. Is there a breeze, a strong wind, or is it completely still? Notice any changes in the movement of the air – gusts of wind or increased stillness. If there are any clouds, notice their shapes and colors. With its undefinable shape, each cloud is unique; you have never seen one exactly like this one and you will never see another one exactly the same again. If you can, watch how the shape changes. Pay attention to plant life. Notice any signs of new life: new leaves opening, flower buds or new growth sprouting from the ground. Even in winter, you may be able to see the buds of trees waiting for the spring to burst. Notice the mature leaves or flowers in full bloom. Look for any aging or decaying leaves, flowers, or shoots. If there are buildings, notice any signs of recent work: fresh paint or new brick for example. Is any of the paintwork peeling, or are any of the bricks eroding?
As you observe all the changes around you – the weather, the plants, the buildings – notice how you feel. Seeing the changes, do you feel happy, sad, indifferent, fearful, joyful, or what? As best you can, stay open to whatever feelings arise.
Like the clouds and the plants, you are changing moment by moment. See if you can notice any changes from when you began this reflection. Are there different thoughts or feelings? Does your body feel any different? Can you recall another walk you took in the past? How were you different then from how you are now? How do you feel about changes in yourself? Can you allow change to be present in your life?
Sometimes we forget that, once upon a time, we lived without being under the complete control of our addiction. We can think we have always had an addiction. Yes, for some people addiction began in the womb, for example in fetal alcohol syndrome (FAS), but there was a time when the person did not drink. Many people with FAS choose not to drink because they do not want to live with the consequences of drinking.
Remember, we are always changing. When we recover we are not the same people we were before we had an addiction. We have grown into someone different; this can be scary.
Find a picture of yourself as a child, look at it deeply, and then look in a mirror and see how you have changed.
Sometimes we forget how small and vulnerable we once were. This small child is always with us. Begin to nurture her or him and take care of this little one. Perhaps when you see small children in the streets, you can have the thought: “I was small like that once.” This thought can help to open up your heart to self-love.
Now look at a picture of yourself before your addiction began. Look at every detail of yourself in the picture. Now look at yourself in the mirror, and look at every detail of yourself today.
Mohammed was too scared to recover because he knew he had damaged his brain through drinking. He did not want to face the change and so kept on relapsing, because of his fears. When he was finally able to let go of his addiction, he found it incredibly hard to accept that his brain did not work in the same way. Once, he had had what he called a scientific brain, one that remembered every calculus and theory. Now he was fortunate if he could remember someone’s name after meeting them.
Slowly, Mohammed began to accept the change, to let go of his old identity as a scientist, and to pursue other interests. Although he had changed, he could see that his life was not over. In letting go of his old identity, he was able to face his fears of having damaged his brain, stop beating himself up with unhelpful thinking, and step onto the road of recovery.
We can watch our moods and thoughts coming and going. Sometimes we get completely caught up in a particular set of thoughts, a story about our lives. Later it is not there, or we get caught up in another narrative. Our minds are like a great pageant, or a parade with floats and marching bands. Perhaps the band is marching to the tune of “You are a loser, your life is going nowhere.” Or maybe there is a glamorous woman on the float with a banner that reads “Just one fix and your worries will go.” When we get caught up in our thoughts and feelings, it is as if we join the parade or leap up onto the float. Instead, we can train ourselves to watch our minds like a bystander following the whole spectacle from the pavement. Since everything changes, even the most compelling thoughts and emotions will pass.
When desire for our addictive behavior arrives, if we just notice it, rather than acting on it, we can watch the craving arise, grow, peak, and then wane. We might feel the first itch, then see how it fills our minds and perhaps creates mounting tension in our bodies. We might notice the persuasive thoughts: “I really need some chocolate to cope with this” or “Just one drink wouldn’t hurt.” If we can stay with the desire, following our minds and bodies, we will notice as it comes and goes. This is sometimes called urge surfing. Like a surfer riding the waves, we watch our experiences and ride the waves of our minds.
When craving is triggered, there is an emotion that has made you feel uncomfortable. Fear, sadness, and anxiety are a few, and even emotions like excitement, happiness, and pleasure can make you feel uncomfortable. The uncomfortable emotion impacts you on a subtle physical level. The body can have unpleasant sensations, and you want to move away from feeling this discomfort. If you are aware of the emotions you are feeling, or even if you realize they have been triggered, stop what you are doing, practice the three-minute breathing space, AGE, and then say to yourself:
This is a moment of craving
Craving is energy arising and ceasing
I don’t have to identify with this energy
I trust the sensation of craving will pass.
Take time out with your breath. Occupy your breath. Your breath is the key to change. Feel the breath filling your lungs, feel your chest and belly expand, and then feel the breath passing back out again as the chest subsides with the out-breath. Perhaps give yourself a metaphorical hug.
In bringing attention to impermanence, we are trying to get a bigger picture. The great sweep of change over time can give us a perspective on our lives that can keep us from getting stuck in our immediate difficulties.
To do this, we need a balanced perspective that includes both arising and falling away. If we start to feel bleak when we contemplate impermanence, it usually means we are paying attention to only one side. We might feel that there is no point because we will lose anything good that we might gain. This needs to be balanced by attending to new (welcome) things coming into being or new possibilities opening up, even if they are small.
We can try to catch the bias that would have us only notice the unpleasant and ignore or discount the pleasant aspects of our experience. As described in the Joni Mitchell song “Both Sides Now” (from the album Clouds, 1969), if we pay attention to both sides of our experience, we may find that we begin to loosen the hard certainties of our lives, the stories that keep us stuck. We may start to open up into the wonderful mystery and richness of a life fully attended to.
The power of mantra
For centuries, many spiritual traditions in Africa and Asia have used mantras to heal the soul. One of the oldest mantras is the sacred syllable om. It is often used to close a yoga session, and precedes many other mantras. It is said that when we chant this syllable, its vibration assists our psychic integration. Many schools of Buddhism use the practice of chanting mantras. There are all sorts of mantras in Buddhism, which can evoke compassion, kindness, joy, and equanimity.
Sometimes words, concepts, and exercises can just be too much in the moment when we are suffering. The Buddhist teachings offer the practice of chanting mantras, which are sacred syllables that resonate in the body and bring about positive emotions. These mantras often belong to archetypal bodhisattvas or Enlightened beings. We can think of bodhisattvas as mythical beings who have committed to help alleviate all the world’s suffering, or as representations of the Awakened mind. We can relate to bodhisattvas as forces outside of us that we can tap into, or as symbols for what we can become at our best, our potential residing deep in our minds and hearts. Two of the best-known bodhisattvas are Tara and Avalokitesvara. When we chant their mantras or bring them to mind, we can imagine them radiating compassion.
One of the most famous mantras belongs to Avalokitesvara: om mani padme hum. If we chant this mantra, it is believed, we will develop compassion in our hearts. Another figure associated with compassion is the female bodhisattva Green Tara. Tara is said to protect people from ordinary worldly dangers, and from the three factors that cause human suffering: greed, hatred, and delusion. Green Tara’s mantra is a playful chant of her name: om tare tuttare ture svaha.
If you are a more devotional type of person, the chanting of mantras may work for you. They can most definitely help quiet the mind, if you feel that the meditation and reflection exercises are too hard because of all the chatter going on inside your head.
For some people, the thought of sitting down to reflect or meditate can be their worst nightmare. If our minds are very busy, or we are experiencing strong, painful emotions, we might feel that right now we can’t face sitting with these experiences with just the breath.
One quite simple thing that we can do when we feel consumed by something negative is chant a mantra. This can enable us to take time out from our toxic, obsessive thinking. At times of difficulty, a mantra may be able to hold our attention more easily than the breath. By not feeding our unhelpful thinking, we can start to break some of the hold it has over us.
The power of mantra can help us to change our lives. Reciting mantras could be seen as similar to repeating an affirmation like “I love myself,” or “I matter.” Nobody knows exactly how mantras work, but people who recite them know they have the capacity to purify the heart. Mantras are believed to protect the mind from anger, hatred, and fear, and bring about psychic integration. Reciting mantras helps bring the whole body alive.
You can listen to mantras on our website (http://thebuddhistcentre.com/eightsteps) and hear how they are chanted. Try your best to pronounce the mantras correctly, but don’t get too caught up in the enunciation: intention is the most important thing.
Put this book down and sit somewhere you feel comfortable. You may wish to light a candle or some incense. Begin to ground yourself, connecting with your breath, and with the soles of your feet and your sitting bones. And just breathe. Put your hands together in a prayer position and raise them to your heart. Or sit with your hands in your lap, palms facing up and with your hands on top of each other with thumbs touching.
When you feel settled, try chanting one of the mantras below for about five minutes. Pause before going on to the next. Or do some research into mantras and find one that resonates with your heart. Then repeat it over and over, not worrying too much about pronunciation, but with the desire to transform your anger, hatred, and fear, or with the desire for true happiness. If you get tongue-tied, just pause and start again, finding your own rhythm and sound.
Chant for at least five minutes and see how it feels. If this feels more comfortable than meditating, then begin with chanting mantras as your practice. These are some of the mantras that we use in our Buddhist tradition:
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om mani padme hum |
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om tare tuttare ture svaha |
While chanting a mantra, you could imagine your whole self being transformed. Feel a sense of compassion filling your whole body. Trust that the moment will pass. Trust that all moments of craving are impermanent.
Once your mind is settled and feels more quiet, you could begin to reflect on the following questions:
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What has changed in your life during the past ten years? |
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What has changed in your life during the past five years? |
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What has changed in your life during the past year? |
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What has changed in your life today? |
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What has changed in your life in the past hour? |
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If there was an end to suffering, what would it look like in your life today? |
In Step Three, we embrace the fact that there is an end to suffering, that everything in our lives is impermanent, including our addictions, compulsive and obsessive behaviors. We accept that change is possible. We begin to pay attention to small changes in our lives. We do this by practicing one of the meditative exercises to help us slow down.
This is a gentle reminder for us to pause at the end of Step Three, and take a three-minute breathing space.