Being willing to step onto the path of recovery and discover freedom
Vision and transformation
In the last three steps we have painted a vision of existence. In particular, we have drawn attention to the nature of suffering and the universality of impermanence. Everything changes. We can relate to change in a fearful way that keeps us on the path of suffering, or we can open up to change. We can begin to see that we can change and our lives can change. We can get a glimpse of a different sort of life: a life without addiction and one that has the taste of freedom.
If we want this life of freedom, we will have to make some changes. We can describe the way to freedom as a path of vision and a path of transformation. First of all, we see that change is the nature of existence, and that we could be different; we could be free from suffering. This is the path of vision. Then we need to choose to step onto the path of transformation, if the vision is to be more than just a good idea, like an old book gathering dust on our bookshelf.
To recover, we need a vision that is bigger than our addiction. We need to want the vision to be realized, more than we want the glass of wine, line of coke, that gamble, chocolate bar, or our compulsive behaviors. We need to listen to our heart’s whisper that actually does want recovery, more than to the loud clashing thoughts of our addictions.
Seeing things as they really are is critical to recovery. All too often, we tend to think that the only people with addictions are those dependent on drugs or alcohol. It can be tempting to underplay our own problems. If we can admit that we have compulsive behaviors, or are addicted to things like food, pharmaceutical drugs, smoking, shopping, working out, or indeed alcohol or illegal drugs, we have begun to see clearly. However, it does not stop there. Staying awake to this can be tremendously challenging.
There are things we can do to help us see more clearly, and to act on what we see. We may think that we want recovery, but if we are still manifesting compulsive behaviors, still dependent on our addictions, maybe we don’t see how we can change, or maybe we want our addiction more than we want recovery.
If we can admit that we want the food, the drug, the cigarette, the avoidance strategy more than we want recovery, we can begin to see clearly what is getting in our way. It’s hard to admit, but if we are still engaging in our addiction, it is a fact that we don’t want recovery enough to change. We have to stop playing the game of recovery, and admit the truth to ourselves.
Take a moment to reflect on this question: what do you want more, your recovery or your addiction? If your answer is “your recovery,” and you are still addicted, then you are not seeing clearly. If you really wanted recovery more, you would have it.
The moment we decide to pick up our drug of choice, we are blocking out what is at stake. That choice may mean losing our families, our jobs, our relationships. But once we have made that decision, we tell ourselves: “It’s too late now, why stop?” If we were choosing the things that we believe matter to us, we would not turn to our addiction.
This can be uncomfortable to accept. But every time we reach for our addiction we are making a choice. To recover, we must find or be inspired by something that we want more than our addiction. We need vision.
When we step onto the path of recovery, we have to want recovery more than our drug of choice. Using the breath, the three-minute breathing space, AGE, and kindness toward ourselves can give us the space to choose something different.
Kindness to help us step onto the path of recovery
It is as if we have been sitting for a long time in a darkened room with the curtains closed. The last time we looked out, it was a cold, gray winter’s day, scarcely any lighter than in our room – no point in going out there. But we are completely fed up with our life in here, feeling like a prisoner in our own home. So we get up and draw back the curtains a little way, to peek out again.
It still looks cold out there, but some of the clouds have parted and there is some weak sunshine glistening on the rooftops. There is a sense that spring is on its way. Maybe it is time to put on a coat and brave the world outside. It’s not going to be comfortable and maybe we hesitate at the door. The familiarity of the darkened room draws us back. But the world out there is brighter, bigger, and richer. We step over the threshold and meet the world.
Step Four is about getting ourselves ready to move out into the world. It’s about making the decision to risk stepping into the unknown. We are invited to step onto the path of recovery. That’s not an easy step to take. It probably won’t be a one-time decision, but one that we will have to make again and again. We will keep coming back to this theme throughout the book to remind us to hold the ideal of recovery in our minds.
The decision to choose recovery, to move toward freedom, is a matter of the heart. If our emotions are not involved in the decision to change, or if we approach change in a bullying or forced way, without kindness, we are unlikely to be able to sustain any changes we attempt. We have to want recovery because we want it, not because somebody else wants it for us.
Kindness can help us to face up to the difficult thoughts and emotions that we experience. It can help to strengthen our desire to move toward recovery.
Throughout this step, we suggest several reflective exercises. Don’t feel you have to do all of them. We suggest you do what resonates for you. We are all different and each reflection will speak to different people.
The most important thing is that you give yourself kindness. We all need kindness if we are to step onto the path of transformation and recovery. Take a moment to reflect on the four basic needs of the heart that we spoke about in Step Two: attention, affection, appreciation, and acceptance. Take three minutes to check in with yourself and give yourself some attention by noticing yourself, your thoughts and feelings, and give yourself some affection, appreciation, and acceptance. You can stop what you are doing at any moment and cultivate these qualities.
Tania’s story
Tania had worked a lot on her various addictions over the years. She had had an eating disorder, misused stimulants, and been dependent on alcohol. For periods of time she had managed to get abstinent, stop bingeing and vomiting, and come off all drugs. She would eat healthily, do yoga, and make contact with her non-using friends.
For a few weeks or even months she would think that she had conquered her addictions. She would feel great for a while, then, almost imperceptibly, things would start to unravel.
A few times she got into relationships. She enjoyed the intimacy, but after a while she would feel taken advantage of. She noticed a pattern: she felt that she had to take care of her boyfriend, and felt criticized by him if she ventured to share some of her difficulties. This would get worse until she found herself bingeing and vomiting again or back on drugs.
At other times she avoided getting into a relationship, but she would start to feel lonely. In her loneliness she might turn to drink as a solace. Or she might throw herself into activity: intensive yoga, lots of twelve-step meetings, and volunteer work in three different places.
Sooner or later she would feel overwhelmed by all of this, crash, and start bingeing or using drugs and alcohol again.
Each time Tania would pick herself up. Usually she would seek some professional help to get back on track. This time, when she stopped drinking and stimulant use, she felt particularly wretched. She felt hopeless about ever getting to a place of sustained recovery.
Talking about Tania’s attitude to herself and her approach to recovery, her therapist mentioned one word: kindness. Tania burst into tears. In that moment she recognized that kindness had been lacking in how she went about things.
Tania’s approach to herself had been to push, cajole, and criticize. When she did yoga she was pushing her body, and usually criticizing it for not being flexible and fit enough. When doing volunteer work, she chastised herself if she was not working harder and longer than the paid employees. Even the men she chose to get involved with were a project in which she ended up not being good enough. It was time for a different approach. She needed to soften her heart.
Even though Tania knew that kindness was what she needed to move on in her recovery, she wasn’t sure how to go about it. It took some time to find ways to bring more kindness into her life.
Take a pause from reading just now. Give yourself five minutes. Settle your body into a comfortable posture. If you are sitting, allow your body to come into an upright posture without forcing or straining. If you are lying down, become aware of your spine. Take one or two deep breaths, exhaling slowly. Say to yourself gently and slowly the word “kindness.” Notice any effects in your body, any images that come to mind, or any thoughts or feelings that appear. As best you can, try to be interested in any responses, whether pleasant or unpleasant. If there is no response, that is completely fine too.
How we practice this step
Approaching kindness
Kindness is integral to successful recovery and finding freedom from our suffering. However, it is something that many of us struggle with, especially being kind and loving toward ourselves.
To begin, it is worth recognizing what we associate kindness with. Some of these associations may have appeared when you did the short exercise above. Perhaps the connotations of kindness are for you wholly positive. If so, that is a good foundation on which to bring more kindness onto your path of recovery.
For many of us, the idea of being kind to ourselves or others can bring mixed or uncomfortable feelings. It’s worth catching the negative connotations. Do we feel kindness is weak, soppy, and sentimental? Do we feel that being kind means to be a doormat that others will walk over? Do we feel that we should be kind to others, but it is wrong to be kind to ourselves or that we don’t deserve it? Whatever our responses or associations, we can try to bring a friendly curiosity to them.
By kindness, we mean a quality of friendliness and interest in whatever is happening. It includes warmth, consideration, and thoughtfulness. True kindness sees to the heart of the matter and meets whatever is there with a desire to help and support. Importantly, real kindness is both for ourselves and others. Just as the sun shines impartially on the whole earth, touching with warmth wherever it lands, so kindness – in the way we mean it here – reaches out and touches all beings, including ourselves, without discrimination.
We can think of kindness as having three aspects: feeling, thought, and intention. The feeling side of kindness includes warmth, care, and sympathy. Our thoughts are involved, in that true kindness sees what is really happening. It has an element of understanding or wisdom. The intention side of kindness is the urge to be helpful, and will lead to constructive action wherever that is possible.
How kindness looks in practice will depend on the context, and may not always be obvious. For example, if we have been working hard, taking a break with a cup of tea and a slice of cake might be an act of kindness toward ourselves. However, if eating cake, biscuits, or chocolate becomes our default response to stress, so that we regularly eat for comfort, reaching for the cake may no longer be a kindness.
How we are kind to others is also not straightforward, as the following examples illustrate.
Angela had been married to Bill for over twenty years. Bill had started to develop numbness and weakness in his legs due to his drinking. When he was drinking particularly heavily, this got worse, and he could no longer leave the house to buy alcohol. He would then beg Angela to buy it for him. Seeing her husband helpless, Angela felt it was only kind to do what he asked. Only later in therapy did Angela see that she was buying the alcohol for Bill to avoid conflict and to feel needed. True kindness for Angela meant not colluding with Bill’s drinking. It meant finding the courage to stand up for herself and find her own worth independent of being needed by Bill.
Doris and Eve’s story
Doris had begun to get withdrawal seizures when she stopped drinking. Her partner Eve had never previously obtained alcohol for her. Doris had been advised not to stop drinking suddenly and to continue drinking until arrangements for medical detoxification could be made. As Doris was finding it harder to get out, she asked Eve to buy her alcohol. Eve was reluctant to do this, but she saw that it was the best way to keep Doris safe until the detoxification could happen. She agreed to do it on this occasion.
Both Eve and Angela were faced with requests to provide alcohol to partners with a drinking problem. For Angela to buy alcohol was not really kind, since it did not help Bill to change his damaging drinking, whereas for Eve it was a means to assist Doris to become free of her drinking.
Cultivating kindness
There are many ways of bringing more kindness into our lives. Meditation, or taking time out to be quiet, can be a kind act, as it can be a way to take care of ourselves and gain perspective on our lives. Tania had a special place in her local park where she liked to sit on the grass among a group of birch trees. She enjoyed looking at the silver-white bark, the graceful branches, and the leaves dancing in the breeze. For her it was a good way to be quiet and content, without the compulsive need to do something.
Back at her apartment, she would bring this place to mind. Sitting on a chair with her eyes closed, she could find a sense of ease with herself. At these times she was more able to discover what she needed to do to look after herself. Sitting in meditation like this, she would also bring to mind friends and other people, inviting them to join her in her special place and wishing them well.
Take some time now to pause. Give yourself five minutes. Settle into your body and take one or two deep breaths. Bring to mind a place where you feel at ease. It could be a real place that you have visited, perhaps on holiday, or it could be somewhere completely imagined. Alternatively, it could be a mixture of the two – your favorite beach high up in the sky, but without the garbage and just the weather and temperature that you like. Bring the place as vividly to mind as possible. What can you hear? What can you see? What smells and tastes are there? What can you feel with your body? Don’t force or struggle. Just ask yourself the question for each sense and see what happens. If nothing particular comes to mind, that is fine. Allow yourself to enjoy being in this special place. Let yourself be at ease and wish yourself well and to be at peace.
Sometimes we find it hard to feel kindness toward ourselves. If we have developed a habit of being harsh and critical toward ourselves, it can take time and patience to cultivate a more loving, kinder attitude. Perhaps we could remember ourselves as children. Or bring to mind a child that we know and care about. If that child were suffering, how would we like to meet and be with him or her? If we could give the child something, what would it be? That child is within us too. We could allow ourselves to feel with that child, to find out what he or she needs. Perhaps we could imagine taking the child in our arms and responding to him or her with love and kindness.
If we are unkind to ourselves, we will inevitably be unkind to everything around us. We will love everything the way we love ourselves. When we begin to cultivate self-kindness, everything in our life will begin to change. Just try for yourself.
Weighing the benefits and costs of addiction
Addictive behaviors don’t just come out of the blue. There may be an element of chance – we may have been invited to a party with people we didn’t know and offered a drink or some cocaine, and that high we experienced set us off on a road to addiction. Once we have tried the substance or engaged in the behavior, we return to it for certain reasons. We want to enjoy the high again or we want to be part of the in-crowd. Maybe we drink because it makes it easier to socialize. Perhaps control of our food intake helps us to feel more self-confident, or heroin helps us to forget all our worries. We may have grown up in homes where the abuse of alcohol, illegal or pharmaceutical drugs, food, or money was the norm, and so it may seem normal for us as adults too. As the addiction takes hold, these reasons may change. In the end, it may be just that our behavior relieves withdrawal symptoms, and we don’t feel we could live any other way. Nevertheless, whatever our addiction, there is something that we get from it.
The other side is that there are costs to our addiction. At first, these costs may be insignificant. Smoking perhaps leaves the young body with a dry mouth or a morning cough. Serious trouble such as cancer or chest disease may only arrive years later. For others, there may be big costs early on, such as contracting hepatitis C from a first injection, or getting pregnant from unprotected sex while intoxicated.
In this respect, addiction is like almost any other behavior: there are benefits and costs. Shopping online saves us time, and we may find what we want at a cheaper price, but we may end up buying more than we had intended (because it is so easy to click the “add to shopping cart” button). If we go to the movies with our friends, we might have an enjoyable night out, but then struggle to get up early the following day and feel tired at work.
Since most actions have two sides to them, we often have mixed feelings about what choice to make. It may be relatively easy to just go to the movie and not worry about being tired the following day, or to say to our friends: “Not today, I need to get to bed early. How about we go out on Saturday?” Where the stakes are higher, such as changing one’s career in mid-life or moving to another country, there may be much more soul-searching and ambivalence.
Once addiction is entrenched, stepping away from it onto the path of recovery is a big decision, and there are likely to be mixed feelings. Thus, we need to make this choice with open eyes. We can do this by reflecting on the costs of our addiction. What troubles and difficulties has it caused in our lives? What will we lose by giving it up? What advantages or benefits do we gain from our addiction? What will it mean for our lives to let go of these benefits?
Tom’s story
Tom was trying to change his gambling. Here is the list of benefits and costs he came up with:
Benefits of gambling |
Costs of gambling |
• I find it exciting.• I may be able to make a lot of money quickly.• I forget about my worries.• I feel confident. |
• I lose a lot of money and am in debt.• It makes me unreliable.• My girlfriends leave me.• I neglect other important areas in my life like my family.• Gambling rules my life. |
For this exercise to have any meaning, it requires us to be completely honest with ourselves. It may take some time to see all the consequences, positive and negative, of our addictive behavior.
And it is not just about numbers. Tom listed four advantages/benefits and five disadvantages/costs to gambling, but that did not immediately mean that the costs outweighed the benefits. The various items will weigh differently at different times. When Tom was feeling bored or anxious, the draw of the excitement of gambling seemed to outweigh everything else. He chose gambling over his family. After his flutter he would feel even more guilty, and the cycle of his gambling was perpetuated.
The cost that Tom found most painful, which led him to want to change, was neglecting his family, especially his young daughter. He was haunted by the image of his beautiful daughter in tears because he had failed to show up for her birthday. This image caused a turnaround for Tom. Whenever the craving for gambling arose, he pictured his daughter in tears. He had finally connected to something he wanted more than his gambling. He began to choose his daughter instead of the gambling every time the urge to gamble arose.
Weighing up the benefits and costs of our addiction
You can fill in your own list below:
Benefits of my addiction |
Costs of my addiction |
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The time for courage and compassion
When we start to examine what our addictions have cost us – the damage we have done to ourselves and the hurt we have caused to those dear to us – it can feel overwhelming. This in itself can lead us back to our addictions as we seek to block out the painful experiences.
When Molly first began to think about giving up drinking, although she was concerned about the health effects, like Tom, the desire to be a good parent was her strongest reason for wanting to change. However, recollecting how she had failed her children again and again filled her with pain and self-recrimination.
She thought of herself as the worst mother in the world. She taunted herself with just how bad a mother she was, that she could put drinking before the care of her darling daughter and son. Many times she had promised to give it up altogether, only to start drinking again in secret. It would then escalate, and her own mother would have to take over the care of the children. Now her mother had complete custody of her children and Molly could only see them if she was supervised. Molly found this humiliating. The whole situation felt hopeless. She felt that she could never make it up to her children. The more she thought about it, the more pointless it seemed to make an effort. The very pain of it all drove her back to drinking.
It is at these times that we need some courage and self-compassion to face the situation. Compassion literally means to feel or suffer with. To break out of the cycle of pain– addiction–recrimination–pain–addiction requires kindness. When loving-kindness meets suffering, it is transformed into compassion. It is the compassion that is able to sit right alongside pain and sensitively feel with it, and then respond in a caring way. Like a willow tree, with leaves fluttering, compassion bends in the storm but is not broken. In the storm of our painful emotions and negative self-criticism, it is compassion that can see us through.
Take a pause right now. Give yourself five minutes. Settle your body and allow it to come to rest. Bring to mind one of the costs of your addiction. Allow yourself to notice the effect of bringing this to mind, especially in the body. If you find your mind is spinning off into critical thoughts, try to keep coming back to the sensations in the body, particularly in the chest or heart area. Use your breath to breathe with whatever is happening. Allow the breath to be like a friend, touching whatever is painful with compassion. Breathe with whatever pain or hurt there is, whether caused to yourself or to others.
When we bring kindness and compassion to our pain, it is not to let ourselves off the hook for what we have done, or to gloss over or to make it OK that we have hurt others. We may well feel regret, but beating ourselves up with recrimination is not going to help. Bringing compassion to what we have done allows us to accept what has happened, rather than flee from it (usually back into addictive behavior). As in Step Two, we allow ourselves to feel the pain – any regrets or remorse – without making the pain worse by adding more suffering to it, so that we can move on. What has happened has happened and, if we want things to be different, we can only change our behavior from now onward.
Letting go of our addiction stands between us and recovery. The pain of the costs of our addiction also stands between us and our recovery, and makes it harder to let go. It is like saying goodbye to a friend. It can feel like a bereavement. The pain of letting go is the grief that we can be scared to experience. What will comfort us now? What will keep the messy feelings at bay? The fear of letting go of our addiction and facing the pain in our lives, including the pain of the costs of our addiction, is like a fast-running river that blocks our path. We are scared to enter the river for fear of being carried away or drowning – and sometimes that is how our pain can appear to us.
Unfortunately there is no way around it. Though we look up and down the riverbank, there is no way to the other side without crossing it, and there is no easy bridge. We may have spent a lot of time trying to circumvent the pain: trying to ignore it or argue with ourselves that it doesn’t matter. Or we may wallow in it, tell ourselves how bad we are, and then return to our addiction. That’s like stepping into the river and sitting down in it near the bank, feeling miserable, and then stepping back onto the same side of the river. Compassion is like a life raft or a floating log that can help us cross the river. It will help make a gentler ride over the sometimes turbulent water.
Ask yourself: what does my addiction give me? Do I need what it gives me? If I do: how can I give (some of) those things to myself without turning to my addiction?
Compassion can help us cross the river of our pain, because it changes our relationship to pain. When we bring kindness to our suffering and that of others, this is compassion in action. When we can stop fighting or avoiding our pain, we no longer need our addiction, which was perhaps the best way that we had found to cope with our pain. Kindness and compassion offer a different response to our pain, instead of reacting with addictive behavior.
Molly needed to find compassion to come to terms with the damage she had caused herself and the pain she had brought to her children. She had to find the courage to admit what her drinking had led to, but without falling into harsh self-blame. It took her some time to steer a way between self-pity and self-blame. Each time she felt herself drawn toward one or the other, and had the urge to block out the pain with a drink, she stopped what she was doing, took a deep breath, and then felt the sensations in her body. She imagined the breath like a warm, kind light, so that, with each in-breath, she imagined her body was filling with kindness. Paying attention to the bodily sensations and the breath in this way enabled her to let go of her painful thoughts, and contain the difficult emotions in an atmosphere of kindness, which made them more bearable.
Admittedly, it can be hard to give ourselves compassion when we are in the throes of an addiction, or suffering physically or mentally. However, if we can be kind to ourselves in our darkest moments, or when someone has abused us or hurt us, we begin to conquer self-criticism, self-judgment, self-doubt, and self-hatred. We can learn to cultivate kindness toward ourselves and all other beings through loving-kindness meditation. We encourage you to try this practice. Practicing loving-kindness meditation has transformed many people’s lives, including our own.
In the box below, we explain the first stage of the loving-kindness meditation, which focuses on cultivating kindness toward ourselves. The rest of the practice, in which we cultivate kindness toward others, is described in the tools section at the end of the book.
Read the following instructions and then put the book down. Give yourself ten minutes to reflect on loving-kindness.
There are different ways to approach this meditation, so it’s worth experimenting to see what works best for you. You can also combine some of the different approaches together. Here are some suggestions:
Imagine your heart as a flower opening up, or use another image that evokes loving-kindness for you.
Put your hand on your heart and breathe into your heart, feeling your chest rising and falling.
Imagine moving kindness around your whole body, or filling your whole body with kindness.
Say a phrase to yourself, wishing yourself kindness. Imagine that each phrase is like a tiny pebble and your body is like a pool or lake. As you say each phrase, imagine the pebble dropping into your body and kindness rippling throughout your body.
Begin by making yourself comfortable. Prepare yourself by cultivating the basic attitudes of the heart. Pay attention to yourself. Notice yourself. Be affectionate to yourself by giving yourself a metaphorical hug. Appreciate yourself for opening up this book and being willing to read what we have to say. And then just accept yourself in this moment right here and now.
Start to imagine loving-kindness radiating in your body. Try to visualize yourself in your mind’s eye. If this is tough, then think of a photo you like of yourself and imagine that, or imagine yourself as a baby. If this still feels uncomfortable, then just whisper your name silently until you feel connected with yourself. If this feels overwhelming, you could imagine a helpless puppy or kitten, and radiating loving-kindness toward it. Once you feel that loving-kindness, radiate it toward yourself. It is important for us to work at cultivating this. For many of us, it can feel challenging to begin with, but, the more we do it, the more our heart opens up toward ourselves. Sitting with our direct experience of discomfort or fear, without pushing it away or getting caught up in the stories about it, can be an expression of loving-kindness. When we can sit with these feelings, compassion for ourselves will eventually appear, and loving-kindness will begin to flow.
The most important thing is to have the strong wish for yourself not to suffer. So if you cannot take on any of the above suggestions, just sit with the strong wish for yourself not to suffer and see what this feels like.
Then begin saying silently to yourself the following phrases, which can also help with cultivating loving-kindness:
May I be happy.
May I be well.
May I be kind toward my suffering.
May I be free of all suffering.
Then pause, perhaps use one of the suggestions above to help radiate loving-kindness. After a few minutes, say the phrases again, seeing if you can feel them drop into your body on a visceral level. Don’t worry if you can’t feel loving-kindness. Having the intention of loving-kindness is enough right now. You may even feel sadness and have some tears. This is an opportunity to be kind to yourself and not criticize yourself for feeling tearful or crying.
Now put the book down and practice. Of course, pick it up again if you can’t remember everything.
One method of cultivating compassion is called “giving and taking.” We take the suffering and, in return, give compassion. As a preparation, we give ourselves some loving-kindness for at least a few minutes. Then, as we breathe in we imagine the breath as dark smoke. We imagine that we are breathing in the pain. As we breathe out we visualize or sense the breath as pure white light like moonbeams, soothing the suffering. We can do this with our own pain or with the suffering of others.
At first it can seem a little strange to deliberately breathe in pain. In fact, what we are doing is opening up to whatever is already there. It is a turning toward and accepting what is. We just do it moment by moment, breath by breath. If it becomes overwhelming and unbearable, it usually means we have got caught up in a story about the pain. Our thoughts have spun off, as they easily do. So we try to stay with the bodily sensations, coming back to them again and again, one breath at a time.
The out-breath is like a wish. We wish from the bottom of our hearts to alleviate all pain, and we imagine that wish contained in the moonbeams of our out-breath. Sometimes our wish is a bit shaky or not very strong. That’s OK. We just do what we can for now, and remember that it’s a practice. We are gradually building up the capacity of our hearts to be able to meet more and more pain with compassion, to be able to hold more and more of what life throws at us.
Reflecting on the benefits of recovery
Counting the costs of our addiction, especially with an attitude of kindness and compassion, can help motivate us to step onto the path of recovery. The other side to this, which can also help our motivation, is reflecting on the desirability of recovery. We can give our imaginations free rein to feel what recovery would be like for us. Perhaps there was a time earlier in our lives when we weren’t so caught up in our addictive behavior. Recalling that time may bring us something of the flavor of how recovery could be. Perhaps we know somebody who is already further along in recovery than we are. Contact with people who have already made steps in their recovery is extremely helpful. It is inspiring to meet people who have made significant changes in their lives and it can give us a sense of what recovery can look like. It also lets us know that recovery really is possible. No matter how much our addiction is costing us and how attractive recovery might seem, if we don’t think that it is possible, any motivation to change is likely to fall away.
Giles’s story
Giles had started his drug-using career with LSD. He saw himself as an explorer, pursuing altered states of consciousness. He tried other hallucinogens, Ecstasy, and stimulants. Although he barely noticed it, his experience changed from exploring to managing his mood. Eventually, he became dependent on stimulants and benzodiazepines. He needed the lift to enable him to go out, and diazepam to manage the comedown and his increasing anxiety. He became thoroughly fed up with himself and his life. He desperately wanted to be free of his addiction, but despaired of ever finding a way out. He hated himself for wasting his life.
One day he bumped into an old friend he hadn’t seen for some time. They had used drugs together, but his friend had stopped. He meditated now and suggested to Giles that he give meditation a try. Giles’s first response was cynical: he couldn’t imagine it working for him, and he felt critical of his friend.
Back home, Giles turned over in his mind the meeting with his friend. He realized that he had felt envious of him. He had a certain ease and confidence that Giles had not known in his friend before, and Giles wanted something of that. He saw that his envy was just another trap that would keep him stuck. He thought that, after all, his friend had really been trying to help him. In the safety of his own home, Giles reflected that perhaps he could put his pride and arrogance aside, and appreciate his friend for who he appeared to have become and for wanting to help him.
As he reflected, he recollected his early trips on LSD. What he remembered was the drive that was in him then to find meaning and significance in his life, which he had sought through chemically induced altered states of mind. He had been seeking a sense of real freedom. Meditation was partly attractive because it might be another way to altered states of consciousness. It might also bring him something that he had glimpsed in his friend, a sense of ease and freedom. Maybe he could get out of this trap of addiction after all and find what he had been looking for all along.
Just as counting the cost of addiction needs to be done with compassion, so too, when we reflect on the benefits of recovery, we need to be held with kindness and appreciation. Without any kindness, when Giles contemplated recovery, he spiraled back down into self-criticism for having wasted his life and into hopelessness. The turning point for him was being appreciative of his friend. This allowed him to have a kinder attitude toward himself, making it possible for him to turn toward recovery.
Benefits and costs of recovery
To help strengthen your desire for recovery, it can be helpful to reflect on the benefits and costs of recovery. You can reflect on your own recovery and think about its benefits and costs, filling in the list below.
Benefits of recovery |
Costs of recovery |
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Cultivating appreciation and gratitude
Appreciation and gratitude are helpful allies on the road to recovery. So often our minds habitually turn to what is wrong and what we are lacking. This only feeds ill will and despondency. Starting to appreciate what we do have can turn our lives around. We can notice the simple things in our lives such as the sunshine, the fresh air, the trees in the park, and the food we eat. In a cynical frame of mind, this can all sound trite. However, if we can let go of that mind-set, we can open up to the beauty of our lives.
Appreciating other people can sometimes be more difficult. Like Giles, we can get caught up in pride and envy. We may feel that, if we admit that we are grateful to someone, it puts us in their power and demeans us. However, true gratitude is not like that. Gratitude and appreciation are more like gifts that we can give to others, and in doing so we bestow an open heart on ourselves.
Take five minutes to reflect on making changes. Settle your body and follow a breath or two. Ask yourself: what do you not want to change in your life? If it were possible to erase parts of your life, including your memories, what would you not want to rub out? What do you appreciate in your life? You could include people and relationships, animals, education, possessions, the planet and nature, music and art – whatever your mind turns to.
Notice the effect of doing this, especially in your body and your emotions. If you were in recovery, which of these could you have more of or appreciate and enjoy more fully? What could be the benefits for you of stepping onto the path of recovery?
Finally, if we are to be able to transform ourselves, it will help us to begin to cultivate more gratitude in our lives. Every night before you go to sleep you could ask yourself: “What do I have gratitude for in my life?” It could be having clean water to drink, or having a job, or being able to read this book.
Recap
In Step Four, we need to be willing to step onto the path of recovery and connect to a vision that is greater than our addiction or compulsive behaviors. We need to begin to identify things we want more than our addiction. We can begin to discover this new freedom by cultivating loving-kindness in our lives. It is like blowing onto coals: after a while, a flame arises. We must keep on diligently practicing loving-kindness toward ourselves, so that one day we will choose the path that leads to recovery instead of the path that leads to our addiction.
This is a gentle reminder for us to pause at the end of Step Four, and take a three-minute breathing space.