Placing positive values at the center of our lives
Changing ourselves and our lives to overcome our addictions can be hard work. Finding recovery on our own is also hard. Without other people to support and encourage us, it is difficult to make the challenging changes that recovery demands. We can fall back into old habits all too easily.
We have emphasized the inevitability of suffering in life and the need to face up to this – mindfully and with kindness. At times this can become grueling, as we battle with old habits and meet painful experiences again. So it’s worth reflecting on why we have chosen to do this. We started this reflection in Step Four, when we looked at the costs and benefits of our addiction and of recovery. However, we can take this further by reflecting on what is truly valuable to us, what we really want our lives to be about, and what sort of person we deeply want to be. If we are clear about what is important to us and what we really value, it is easier to steer our lives in a meaningful direction, and it helps us to keep on track when the going gets tough.
In this step, we will explore values in general and how to approach them. We will then look at the Three Jewels, which are seen in Buddhism as the most important values. The Three Jewels are the Buddha (Awakened mind), the Dharma (the nature of reality and the teachings of the Buddha), and the sangha (the spiritual community). In looking at the Three Jewels, we will have the chance to see how values can support a rich life free of addiction. We hope that the perspective of one spiritual tradition – Buddhism – will be helpful whether you are Buddhist, from another spiritual tradition, or from none.
Our values are very precious to us, which is why in Buddhism they are called jewels, treasures, or gems. Sometimes, because they are precious, we keep them hidden, even from ourselves. We might then feel that we have no values. Particularly if our lives have been difficult and we have struggled with a lot of suffering, we may have lost sight of our values, or it may have felt too dangerous to have any. We may have had the experience of expressing something important to us, only to have someone else belittle it. Or we might have tried to act on our values, only to be thwarted by difficulties in our lives.
We have two ways to start to get in touch with our values, two ways of finding out what is important to us.
First, take a breathing space, AGE, to help center yourself.
Now, reflect: if you could change everything about yourself, what would you not want to change? What characteristics about yourself would you want to keep? In terms of how you approach the world, how you behave toward other people, what would you like to keep the same? What does this tell you about what is important to you? What is important in your life? What qualities or values matter to you?
Imagining a party at the end of your life
In this exercise you imagine that from this day onward, you live your life in the way that you would most like to live it, according to your most precious values. Now imagine a party toward the end of your life, perhaps a birthday celebration. You could imagine it as a small and intimate affair or as a big ball in a grand palace. Allow yourself to imagine freely the sort of celebration it is.
At the party there are various friends and perhaps family. (As it is in the imagination, you could have people there who might no longer be alive.) As part of the celebration, some of the guests speak about the good qualities that you have displayed during your life. Bring to mind someone who cares about you, and imagine this person stepping forward and rejoicing in some of your qualities. What does this person say? What do they particularly rejoice in about you? As you do this exercise, remember to keep breathing and, as best you can, allow whatever feelings show up.
Now bring to mind another person. They too step forward and speak of your fine qualities. What do they say? Pause for a moment and notice your breathing.
Finally bring to mind a third person. Allow this person to step forward and describe your qualities and how you have lived them out. What does this person say? Pause again, following your breath, before leaving the party in your mind.
Take some time now to write down the responses of the three people.
Values as a direction and as a refuge
There are two ways in which we can look at values: in terms of a direction in our lives and as a refuge.
Values as a direction
Values act like a compass that shows us which way to go. For example, if honesty is an important value, then this will guide how we endeavor to act in our relationships. Values are pointers of the way rather than a destination. We don’t ever arrive at perfect honesty. Instead, honesty is something we try to bring into our relationships moment by moment as best we can. Inevitably, we won’t be living by our values all the time and will sometimes go against them. The good thing about values is that we can always get back to them in the next moment, as soon as we remember.
As well as showing us how to act, values can direct us toward important goals. For example, if we value helping other people, we might decide that we want to move away from our administrative job to one that has an element of direct caring for others, or we may wish to free up some time to do volunteer work that involves helping others. If creating beauty is important to us, we might decide to join a choir or enroll in an art class. When we act on our values and move toward goals that express them, we are likely to feel more satisfied and nourished in our lives.
Values as a refuge
In everyday language, a refuge is a place to go when we are in danger. It is a place of safety, like a hut on a mountain that can keep us warm and dry in a raging storm. In the face of suffering, recollecting our values and trying to act on them can give us strength. For example, if a loving relationship with our children is important, keeping this in mind may help us when our child is misbehaving – or when we are separated from our children – and we are tempted to return to our addiction to drown the pain.
We can reflect on what we do when things are difficult, what we go to for refuge. We are likely to have used our addiction as a refuge to cope with difficulties, and we may have engaged in other damaging behavior, such as self-harm or getting involved in destructive relationships, to manage painful emotions. We call these refuges that don’t help us in the long run false refuges. False refuges look like they are going to be reliable, are going to relieve our pain, but they let us down. They don’t work, except perhaps in the short term. They are like a derelict house, empty, without life or breath, with weak walls and a leaky roof. We flee from the storm only to find that the rain starts to come through the roof. Then, as the wind picks up, the whole structure blows over, and we are left exposed to the elements with pieces of the building falling on us. We are no nearer to safety. Instead we are soaked and have cuts all over from the fallen timber.
So as well as reflecting on where we go for refuge, we can reflect on how helpful our refuges are. Perhaps we will want to let go of some, and we may be able to find others that reflect deeper values, that are more helpful and constructive. We can look at our refuges as the things we place at the center of our lives, or what we choose to turn our lives over to. Our addictions or compulsive behaviors will be among the things at the center of our lives. This means that we spend the majority of our time thinking about things related to our addiction, and that most of our decisions will be based around the addiction. It means that we have gone for refuge to the addiction, in the hope that it will support us, help us, keep us safe.
Placing what you value at the center of your life
Pause now and reflect on some of the following questions:
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What do you take refuge in? |
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What do you turn to when life gets difficult? |
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What is at the center of your life? |
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What occupies your thoughts? |
Having identified what you turn to for refuge, reflect on how helpful it really is when times are hard.
Are there refuges that you would like to let go of?
If you could put the three most valuable things to support your recovery at the center of your life, what would they be?
Sometimes we are not aware of what we use as a refuge until circumstances change in our lives, as Janet discovered after her husband stopped drinking. Janet had grown up in a drinking environment. Her father had been a heavy drinker and died of complications from alcohol misuse. Janet had never touched alcohol, but found herself married to a man who drank excessively.
She was devoted to her husband, Bob, and supported him as he tried to give up drinking, relapsed, and went back on the bottle. Bob was never sober for very long. Although he wasn’t violent when drinking, he would become argumentative, and gradually his health declined so that he needed more and more care from Janet. Janet would complain to her friends about her husband’s drinking. She rarely criticized Bob directly, although in some of their bigger fights she would threaten to leave him if he did not stop. Finally Bob made a more determined effort to give it up. His health improved and he was less irritable.
At first Janet was delighted. Then she found herself becoming more on edge, depressed, and touchy. She could not understand herself. After a big argument, largely provoked by Janet, Bob hit the bottle again. Janet told her friends she was disappointed that Bob had started drinking, but at the same time she began to recognize – with some discomfort – that she was also relieved. Without her role as Bob’s caregiver, she did not know who she was and felt lost. Caring for Bob had become a false refuge for Janet. This was the thing at the center of her life.
Janet had built her self-worth on her identity as a caregiver. She had taken refuge in Bob – the drinking Bob – and, when he changed, she felt let down.
It is a real test of a relationship when someone dear to us changes. Of course people are changing all the time, but we may not notice it unless the changes are more marked, such as when someone becomes seriously ill, embarks on a spiritual path, or gives up an addiction. To the extent that we have gone to them for refuge as a particular, fixed person, it is a false refuge and we will be let down. Individuals are not the best thing to put at the center of our lives, because they are human and will let us down. We have no control over another person. However, putting a relationship at the center of our lives is different because we have more control, and, if it becomes unhealthy, we are able to choose something different to support our recovery.
Exemplars of values, teachings, and community
We are likely to have associated with our values one or more of the following: people who exemplify our values, teachings on how we express our values, and other people – a community – with whom we share the values. We may find these three aspects not just with positive values that support recovery, but also when our values are caught up in addiction.
For example, a parent who was dependent on alcohol may have influenced us – more or less consciously – to take up drinking heavily. The drinking may have served the value of appearing strong or confident. Alternatively, with a value of wanting to explore altered states of consciousness, our drug use may have been inspired by figures from popular or alternative culture.
As we became more involved with our addiction, we may have learned and talked a lot about the effects of different types of drugs, and how best to obtain the maximum effect from them. We have probably associated with other people who shared our addiction.
Where our values are tied up in addiction, we will need to find either new, more positive, values or a different way of expressing our values – new exemplars, new teachings, and a new community. For example, in recovery, if a value that is dear to us and that we want to pursue is truthfulness, we may find it helpful to find out about people who have exemplified speaking truthfully. It will support us to learn how we go about being more truthful in our lives, and we will benefit from being in contact with other people who share our value and also are trying to be truthful in their lives.
To understand how we can make the most of our positive values, we will look at how values, with their exemplars, teachings, and community, are enacted in Buddhism. The core value in Buddhism is the realization of reality, of how things really are, which is called Awakening or Enlightenment. By “reality” we mean the nature of human existence, such as the inevitability of suffering, which we explored in Step One, and impermanence, which we looked at in Step Three. Realization of reality, from this perspective, means understanding deeply and coming to terms with the transient, ever-changing nature of life. It means seeing how we cause ourselves suffering by trying to hold on to things that are changing. The chief exemplar in Buddhism is the historical Buddha, who realized reality through his own efforts and gained Awakening. The Buddha’s teachings that help us to realize reality are called the Dharma, a term also used to refer to the nature of reality itself. The spiritual community (or followers of the Buddha) is the sangha. The Buddha, Dharma, and sangha are refuges in the sense that they can give an orientation to our lives, which provides meaning, support, and direction. We speak about going for refuge to the Buddha, the Dharma, and the sangha in the following pages, but we are aware that Buddhism may be completely new to you, or you may have a different religion or no religion at all. So use this as an example, and think about what could be the equivalent for you to place at the center of your life. It could be God, Allah, nature, something that offers you a vision of potential.
Going for refuge to the Buddha
When we go for refuge to the Buddha, we are taking the Buddha as an example of what is possible for human beings. We are taking refuge in the ideal of an Awakened mind, a mind that has wisdom, knowledge, compassion, and insight. Just as the Buddha became Enlightened, so too, we can become Enlightened. Buddhism holds that this is possible for all men and women. We all have Buddha nature, that is, the potential for Awakening. This can be very encouraging. Even though our minds are often full of craving and ill will, and clouded by spiritual ignorance, they also have the seeds of liberation within them. It can be inspiring to reflect on what is possible for human beings. Especially when we are struggling, it can be helpful to recollect that we have the potential for tremendous positive change.
By reading about the Buddha’s life, we can get a feeling for what one who is fully Awake is like. We can see how the Buddha behaved in different situations; how he responded to the people he met. This can be a touchstone for our own lives. We could ask ourselves: how might the Buddha act in this situation that we are facing?
Around the time of the Buddha, or perhaps shortly afterwards, his disciples developed a practice called “recollection of the Buddha” (Buddhanusati). His disciples were widely scattered across northern India. Without the benefit of rapid transport or telecommunications, they had to rely on what they knew of the Buddha from his teachings, from the stories they had heard about him, and, if they were lucky, from having met him. They would turn this over in their minds, holding the Buddha in their hearts, and perhaps seeing him in their minds’ eyes. Through doing this they would develop an inner sense of the Buddha upon which they could draw.
We too can practice recollection of the Buddha. We can’t meet him in the flesh, but we can find out about his life and reflect on him, so that we too can develop an inner sense of the Buddha. We can call on this inner sense of the Buddha when we are distressed, struggling, or not sure what to do.
As we get to know the Buddha in this way, we may feel gratitude toward him, both for his example and for his teachings that have come down to us, to help us find freedom from our suffering. Many of the rituals in Buddhism are both a reflection of this sense of gratitude and a means to develop it and our inner sense of the Buddha. These rituals include chanting mantras and reciting devotional verses. We might also visualize the Buddha. To help us, we create a beautiful shrine, which usually has an image of the Buddha, often with flowers, incense, and candles. Flowers represent the Dharma, and especially – with their fleeting beauty – the teaching of impermanence. Candles represent wisdom and the light of the Buddhist teachings. Incense represents the sangha, as the perfuming effect of the spiritual community on the world.
In this context we speak of “worshipping” the Buddha. By worshipping the Buddha, we are not making him a creator God or expecting him to intercede in the affairs of our daily lives. Rather, worship in Buddhism is a practice of cultivating respect, devotion, and gratitude for someone who can show us, through their example and teachings, a way to free ourselves from suffering. We are developing an inner feeling for the Buddha, which can encourage and guide us. In worshipping the Buddha we are cultivating a sense of appreciation for the direction and meaning in our lives that the Buddha points to.
Where is your special place at home where you can sit quietly on your own and reflect on the potential of human beings? If you don’t have a special place at home, perhaps you could create one and build a small shrine/altar out of things that inspire you.
Going for refuge to the Dharma
The word “Dharma” has the dual meaning of reality (the way things are), and the teachings that show us the way to realize reality. When we go for refuge to the Dharma, we are putting the teachings of the Buddha into practice in our lives and moving toward reality. We are aligning our lives with how things are.
When we go against how things are, it is like bumping into furniture in a room, and we suffer. For example, if we are on a train that is running late or sitting in a car in a traffic jam, we may find ourselves getting tense and irritated because we are delayed. The reality is the train is running late or there is a traffic jam that we are stuck in. No amount of cursing or getting annoyed about it will change the facts. Wanting it to be different is of course understandable, and we may choose to take actions to ameliorate the situation, like calling a friend to say we will be late. However, the response of becoming irate is us moving against reality, and so we suffer. When we go for refuge to the Dharma (as reality), we are accepting how things are.
When we are in a difficult or uncomfortable situation, we can ask ourselves: “What is the reality of this situation?” Is our response to it – our thoughts and emotions – helping or making it worse?
Inevitably, we carry expectations about how the world is or should be. Sometimes we don’t realize that we are holding expectations until they are not met. For example, we expect our normally reliable friend to meet us when they said they would.
I was waiting for a friend at the Tate Gallery. At that time (some years ago) I did not have a mobile phone. As the time passed with no sign of my friend, I felt mounting frustration, with thoughts alternating between concern that something untoward had happened to my friend and thoughts of how inconsiderate he was in not turning up. In fact he had turned up on time – but at the other Tate Gallery (there are two in London). We had failed beforehand to clarify which one we were meeting at. Or rather, each of us had assumed it was clear which Tate we were referring to. My unconscious assumption was that my friend should have understood which Tate I meant.
Experiences like this can show us how we expect things to be a certain way and how that expectation can cause us to suffer. The more rigidly we hold to our expectations, the more we are likely to suffer. Generally, the way we expect things to be is our way. We unconsciously hold ourselves at the center of the universe. The train should not be running late and there should not be a traffic jam that is delaying me.
In the bigger picture, traffic jams and train delays are just what happens. When we go for refuge, we see this bigger picture. This creates space around what is happening and our immediate emotional response. We are not so caught up in the grip of our emotions. The space and clarity allow us to see what might be the most helpful thing we can do in this situation.
Humor helps. If we can smile at what is happening – seeing the absurdity of feeling that we are or should be at the center of the universe – we may be able to loosen the hold of unhelpful emotional responses.
So we can go for refuge to the Dharma by asking ourselves: “What is the reality of this situation? What is really happening now?” This is the Dharma as reality. The Dharma is both reality and the teachings that move us toward alignment with reality. Hence we can also go for refuge to the Dharma by asking ourselves: “What teaching or practice would be helpful right now? What quality is needed in this situation? What quality is being asked of me right now?”
For example, the traffic jam could be an opportunity to practice patience. We could use the moment to reflect that probably other people in the traffic jam are feeling frustrated. We could sympathize with them and wish them well. Alternatively, we could use the moments to practice mindfulness of the body. We could feel the body’s contact with the car seat. We might notice tensions in the body and try to let them go, perhaps with an out-breath. If we are feeling irritable, we could use the traffic jam as an opportunity to reflect on anger and ill will. We might observe how being irritable affects the body and mind, causing contraction and suffering. We could see how futile and unhelpful this response is.
Then again, it might be a chance to cultivate compassion. Perhaps we are feeling ill will in the traffic jam and finding it hard to let go of, even though at some level we know it is unhelpful. So we could try to bring some kindness and compassion toward ourselves, as suffering beings caught yet again by our painful emotional responses.
We can always go for refuge to the Dharma. At each moment we have the chance to try to see things more clearly and to put into practice the teachings of the Buddha. Of course, a lot of the time we are likely to be running on automatic pilot, being ruled by our habits. Yet, as soon as we come to, we have the opportunity to get back into the driver’s seat of our lives. We can recollect ourselves and go for refuge to the Dharma.
Sometimes we may feel disappointed in ourselves for not having lived up to our ideals. We may reprimand ourselves for having acted unhelpfully, being on autopilot, or taking shelter in false refuges. Yet this too is an opportunity to go for refuge to the Dharma. Rather than create more suffering by wishing that what was done had not been done, we can reflect on how to respond creatively to where we are now.
Life happens moment by moment. Only in the moment that we are in right now can we make changes, respond differently. We can reflect on the past in order to learn from it, but we can only act in the present. So each moment is a fresh opportunity to go for refuge to the Dharma and to try to live our lives fully, in accordance with what is most important to us.
What teachings do we go to for refuge? Take this opportunity to reflect on some of the teachings we have shared with you in the book so far. Which one resonates for you? Which teaching or teachings would you like to put more at the center of your life? There may be other teachings that have helped you on your journey to recovery. Include those too.
Going for refuge to the sangha
It is important to find a like-minded community, a community of people who want recovery. Placing the recovery community at the center of your life can be a real jewel. We see this very much in the twelve-step community. Part of its success lies in providing meetings and fellowship for its members. If you are not part of a twelve-step community, it is important to find a group of people who have similar ideals to yours, so that your recovery will be supported. This can mean going forth from unhelpful relationships that have kept us stuck. Letting go of friends we used to drink, smoke, or take drugs with. As you can see, it’s not easy. We need a lot of courage to move on and make new friendships.
Graham’s story
Graham had tried a number of times to give up drinking. He had ended up several times in hospital in excruciating pain with pancreatitis due to his drinking. Each time he came out of the hospital, he swore that he would not touch another drop. The trouble was, everyone he knew drank. All of his friends drank, his father had died of complications from alcohol misuse, and his remaining family, his brother and mother, also had drinking problems. Once out of the hospital he would avoid his friends. He didn’t answer his phone or respond to texts. When someone came to the door, he pretended he was out. He would only go out after dark so that he wouldn’t bump into drinkers he knew.
Sooner or later, something would happen. The first time, his brother came to stay. His brother had pleaded with him to put him up for a while. They reached an agreement that his brother would not drink in Graham’s home. His brother kept to this for a while, then he brought in a bottle and Graham was soon sharing it. Another time, when he ran out to buy some milk, he was accosted unexpectedly by an old drinking friend. His friend persuaded him to come to the pub, “just for one drink,” and soon Graham was back to heavy drinking. This time, more determined than ever, Graham was still more vigilant at keeping to himself. However, he found himself pacing his small apartment, restless, irritated, and bored. He felt hopeless about ever sustaining abstinence.
In this mood of resignation he went out, thinking maybe he would buy a can of beer. He ran into an old drinking friend, Trevor, whom he hadn’t seen for some time. He expected Trevor to talk him into going to the pub for a drink, to which Graham would put up no resistance. However, it turned out that his friend had been sober for almost a year. Trevor had sought help from the local alcohol-treatment services, had been attending Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) meetings, and had started going to meditation classes. Trevor had had a long-standing interest in eastern religions and had dabbled in Buddhism in the past. Now that he was sober, he had renewed his pursuit of Buddhism and was enthusiastic about meditation. Rather than go to the pub, Trevor persuaded Graham to come along to AA meetings and a meditation class.
Both marked a turning point for Graham. He found that he responded to meditation and to the teachings of the Buddha. Prior to this, he had in a sense been “white-knuckling” sobriety. It was only at the point of meeting Trevor that his recovery really began. What was key for Graham was seeing someone who had made the sort of changes that he wanted to make. Trevor showed him that it was possible to break out of the cycle of addiction and find a more fulfilling way of life.
We can see the benefit of mutual aid in setups like twelve-step groups or “Self Management And Recovery Training” (SMART Recovery). Aside from any benefits of these particular methods, they provide compelling evidence for the possibility of breaking free from addiction. This is an important function of the sangha. When we go for refuge to the sangha, we take inspiration from other people who have put into practice the teachings of the Buddha. We may not need a spiritually advanced person, let alone a fully Enlightened being; someone who has a little more experience than we do can show us that it is possible to make meaningful changes in our lives.
Once we have started to make changes, it is helpful to have other people around us who support us in our recovery. Graham found it helpful to get to know some people at the meditation class. He also derived considerable support from his ongoing friendship with Trevor and from AA meetings. When he was struggling, he would call Trevor, or Trevor would call him, and encourage him to keep going. Sometimes Graham did not understand what a teacher was getting at, and Trevor would have the knack of explaining things in simple terms or lending Graham an inspiring book to read.
Which of your friends support your recovery by way of example? Take a look in your life. You may have friends who go to meditation classes, twelve-step meetings, yoga, and all sorts of other self-development courses. Ask them about what they are up to. If you don’t have any friends who could support your recovery, search online and you will find plenty of information about places to meet other people in recovery.
Taking refuge in the sangha is not all plain sailing
The sangha can be the most practically helpful of the three refuges. When it works well, we can gain support and inspiration from other people in the sangha. Making friends with others who share our values, who are making strides in their recovery and cultivating a more enriching and satisfying life, can be both rewarding and enjoyable. However, the sangha is made up of aspiring individuals, with their faults and shortcomings. Even if someone is ordained into a spiritual or religious tradition, a teacher or a nun or monk, it does not mean they are a Buddha or an impeccable individual.
The real sangha refuge consists of those people with true spiritual insight. The greater someone’s insight, the more likely they are to be reliable. Their behavior is more likely to be skillful and, should they knowingly make a mistake, they would want to make amends. Yet even outstanding followers of the Buddha can have blind spots, or be more developed in some areas than in others. Moreover, it is very difficult to ascertain how spiritually advanced someone is, and only then after sustained contact over a long period. Add to this our own shortcomings and conditioning, and we have the potential for interpersonal challenges and difficulties.
Sandra had been inspired by watching a TV program on Buddhism. She was fed up with her life, which revolved around skunk, crack, and other drugs. After seeing the program, she decided to pay a visit to a local Buddhist center that she had walked past many times, but never been in. Still coming down after a crack binge, she attended an introductory class. She felt extremely awkward. Everyone there seemed to be middle-class, white, and professional. Sandra was from a black, working-class background and had never held a job. Although she could not connect to the other people attending the class, she enjoyed the humor and teachings of the class leader. She sensed that there was something important for her here and, being determined, decided to give it a go.
It took Sandra a long time to make friendships in the sangha. She attended sporadically, falling back into drug use, but slowly and with difficulty built up connections, eventually finding some people in the sangha she could feel at ease with.
To go beyond our background and our conditioning is a big challenge. It requires patience and perseverance to see through our individual particularities and connect to others through our common humanity. Going for refuge to the sangha is seeing the way in which others – despite differences in temperament and background – are putting the teachings of the Buddha into practice in their lives. When we can do that, we can feel a connection and resonance within the sangha that is deeply satisfying.
Elaine’s story
Elaine had recently stopped using stimulants and Ecstasy. In contrast to Sandra, Elaine felt comfortable in the sangha right away. Like most of the people in the room, she was white, and recognized others from a counterculture background that she identified with. She warmed both to the other participants she met at classes and to the teachers. She felt at home practicing the Dharma and was glad to have found a drug-free environment where she felt safe and welcomed. She attended a weekend retreat, which went well, and then decided to do a ten-day retreat. During the longer retreat, she was disappointed that the food was not vegan and mentioned this to one of the leaders. To her surprise, the teacher did not seem interested in the issue of veganism, either from the perspective of animal life or from that of climate and ecology. She raised it with another teacher, whom she experienced as being dismissive. Elaine felt put out and her confidence in the teachers wavered. They had seemed such good people, but now they appeared to her to be seriously flawed.
Elaine had a bumpy time coming to terms with this. Over the ensuing period she came to value the qualities that she saw in other members of the sangha, while at the same time seeing they were not perfect human beings. She found a few people who were as passionate as she was about veganism. However, she was able to appreciate that other people – though sincerely following the teachings of the Buddha – did not feel so strongly about this area of ethics. She recognized that, just as she could fall into righteous indignation and ill will, others, even with more experience than her, were still prey to unskillful states of mind that could sometimes be expressed in speech or behavior.
Inevitably, as human beings with our varied backgrounds and personalities, we will have different issues to work with and will place greater importance on some areas of practice than others. For example, if we are trying to practice avoiding taking life, we might decide to be vegan (since the dairy industry generally relies on keeping cows lactating but kills many of the young calves that are born as a result of repeated insemination) and feel strongly about this, as Elaine did. However, someone else might be more concerned about working on avoiding harsh speech and creating kind, harmonious speech.
As we get to know each other, we will bump up against each other’s differences. We may experience those differences as fascinating and stimulating, or they may feel wrong and annoying. Either way, there is the potential to learn about ourselves, and to find creative ways of responding skillfully to one another. If we can remember to be patient and inquisitive, and to recollect that each person is doing their best within their own limitations, then we may find the sangha a rich practice.
The sangha can be a place where like-minded people gather together. If we are in recovery this may well be a twelve-step group, a social-networking group like Meet Up that you have organized, or a therapy group. If you are in recovery and are looking for a spiritual community that is open to discussing issues of addiction, your sangha may be at a place where people gather together and meditate or pray. It is important to surround ourselves with people who share similar ideals to ours, because they will help us to grow and develop. Once upon a time we may have surrounded ourselves with people who had addictions or compulsive behaviors, and therefore it would have been a lot more challenging to get well. Not impossible, but this company would most definitely be a pull away from our recovery.
Going for refuge moment by moment
The three refuges are always available to us. We can at any moment bring to mind the example of the Buddha as a source of inspiration. We can reflect on what is really going on, what aspect of reality is manifesting now. We can consider which teaching of the Dharma would be helpful at this point in time.
We have in this and earlier steps explored the teachings of the four noble truths, the four reminders, the practice of admitting our faults, the five training principles, the practice of cultivating loving-kindness and mindfulness, and going for refuge to the Three Jewels. Choose one of the teachings and explore it more.
We can recollect the sangha either by considering what someone we respect would do in this situation, or recalling that we are part of the sangha. To the extent that we go for refuge to the Three Jewels, we can feel ourselves part of a web or movement, which extends across space and through time, of people endeavoring to create wiser, kinder, and more fulfilling lives on this planet.
We won’t manage to go for refuge all the time. We will fall back or forget the refuges. However, we can always come back to them, as soon as we remember. As we take refuge more and more deeply and more and more frequently, the urge toward addictive behavior moves to the edge of our minds, and healthier things begin to emerge at the center of our lives.
What this means is that our addictions never totally go away. They can go into remission, and therefore have less of a gravitational pull on us. We may one day be able to look at a bottle of alcohol, or a doughnut, and not feel we have to grasp it and consume it. But these gravitational pulls can always surface. This is why it is so important to set up the conditions for recovery. It is easy to become distracted, and before we know it our obsessive thoughts will emerge at the center of our lives. Then the acting out of those thoughts follows.
When we go for refuge to the Three Jewels, we are recognizing the importance of the conditions we need to keep us safe. The Three Jewels are refuges because they lead us away from addiction and allow our recovery to blossom.
Many people who have had recovery for fifteen or more years, sadly, have relapsed. Many did not have a spiritual path, or had gone for refuge to their work or relationships. Although a spiritual path is not foolproof, placing values at the center of our lives will inspire us and help us to grow. That can be a refuge, and, especially when we are struggling, will most definitely help to maintain our abstinence and sobriety.
Becoming aware of what inspires us
Pause now, take a few breaths, and then give yourself five minutes to reflect on the following questions:
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What values are most important to you? |
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Who have you seen, read about, or heard about that most embodies your values? |
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What teachings are you inspired to reflect on? |
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Who do you know that shares your values? Or how could you get to know more people who share your values? |
Recap
In Step Six, we place positive values at the center of our lives, values that will support us in our recovery. We recognize that our addiction is a false refuge and cannot bring about true happiness and contentment. We go for refuge to a community that offers the ideal of recovery, sobriety, and abstinence.
This is a gentle reminder for us to pause at the end of Step Six, and take a three-minute breathing space.