In case somebody shoots me,

In case someone does me in,

Here’s what you should know about me.

I am a loyal, dependable friend.

I eat ice cream with a fork.

I love bacon, but I’m allergic to pork.

Cookies with sprinkles are my favorite treat.

I know it’s gross, but I like to smell my own feet.

In sixth grade I made all A’s,

By eighth grade I was more into babes.

There’s a secret only my mother knows.

Every Mother’s Day I polish her toes.

There are lots of things I plan to do.

Spend a summer working at the Louvre,

Take my sister to New York on the train,

Convince my dad to ride in an airplane,

Show my brother how to have a good time
playing chess instead of drinking wine.

Only some things end sooner than you want,

Like your first kiss and fourth-period lunch.

So if I die before I’m done,

Don’t let ’em forget

While I was here, I had me some fun.